The Strangest Fanfic Obsession of All

"
Hello, and welcome to my homepage. My name is Ulrich Haarbürste and I like to write stories
about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film. If you have written any stories about Roy
being completely wrapped in clingfilm please send them to me and I may put them up on the site.
If you have a site with stories about other pop stars being wrapped in cling-film mail me and we
can exchange links."

How many people could there be writing about pop stars wrapped in cling-film? It’s too frightening to contemplate.  Somebody has put one of Ulrich’s stories to music and it’s
hilarious…whether it’s meant to be or not, that’s another story.
Here’s the link.

(For more on this, see my brother Tod’s post here in January.)

Stop Looking For A Short Cut

I received a reply from the guy with the great idea for a TV show who needed someone with "industry credibility" to team up with.

Feel the need to vent?  No problem!  Since we don’t each other, it can’t be
personal.  A simple, "not interested" would have done the trick though. 
The television saying you mentioned….we say that same thing in
marketing and advertising!  Since I’m a professional in my chosen field too
(no, really), I receive numerous offers to partner from people looking to break
in.  Though it almost never goes anywhere, I usually offer some slight
encouragement.  The upside is so much greater than the downside and the cost to
let it play out is so insignificant…..so why not?

Instead of offering encouragement, I offer honesty and reality. Obviously, you didn’t want to hear either. You can’t expect to scrawl a drawing of a car on a napkin and sell it to Ford… why should you expect it to happen with a TV series idea? The way to break in is not to look for shortcuts, for a way to start at the top…which is what you are trying to do.  The way to break in is to write a terrific script, get hired as a freelancer on a show, get picked up on staff, then work your way up the writer/producer ladder until you reach the point in your career when someone from a studio or network calls and says "Hey, got any ideas for a series?"

As for the networks buying years of
experience and a track record……I sincerely hope that is true (means better
television).  The jury seems to be out though:  Overnight
successes…..Schwartz, who at 27 created The O.C….Trey Parker and Matt Stone
created South Park while they were still in college.

I figured that’s where you were coming from.  You didn’t do your homework.  Josh Schwartz worked on other shows and wrote other pilots before THE OC.  Parker and Stone made a short animated film, THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS,  that wowed the industry. That short film proved their skill as animators/writers/performers and  they got a series… based on that short film. They weren’t car salesmen from Topeka with a really great idea for an animated TV series.

What must I have been thinking when I contacted
you?  I mean…how on earth could a professional television writer really be
interested in what someone from outside the industry has to offer? 
". CSI, the No. 1 show was created by relative newcomer, Anthony
E. Zuiker…. CBS hired experienced writer-producers Carol Mendelsohn and Ann
Donahue to run the show…"

Again, you aren’t doing your homework. Zuiker didn’t sell his idea by emailing producers with a come-on saying he had a great idea for a show and he just needed someone with "industry credibility" to sell it for him.  He wrote a script.  From the CSI Files Website:

Zuiker himself got his start when childhood friend Dustin Lee Abraham, now a CSI scribe but then an actor, would get Zuiker to
write him monologues for auditions. "I wrote a speech about a man, mentally
retarded, watching his wife give birth. He’s a degenerate gambler, and he went
into an announcing [mode, a play by play]," Zuiker says of the monologue that
got him attention in Hollywood. The speech was turned into a movie, The
Runner
, which was made for seven million dollars. It turned out to be
Zuiker’s gateway to Hollywood.

You’re wowed by what you think are strike-it-big-in-Hollywood-quick stories that really aren’t.  Stop looking for a short-cut.  The best way to sell a series is to write some great scripts. Don’t look for someone with "industry credibility," earn some of your own instead.

Someone Like Me

A friend of mine asked if I knew of any other TV writer/producers who wrote tie-ins based on series they’ve worked on (as I do with DIAGNOSIS MURDER and MONK). I know of one: Ian Kennedy Martin, who wrote original novels based on the terrific UK cop show THE SWEENEY, a series he also created. I think Joe Straczynski may have written some original BABYLON 5 novels (based on the series he created). And, if I recall, one of the STAR TREK VOYAGER producers wrote a novelization of one of her episodes, but I don’t think she wrote an original tie-in. I can’t think of any others… can you?

Xerox’s Vanity

It looks like Xerox is getting into the vanity-press business and using a contest to lure in customers:

Dust off the manuscript that’s hiding under your bed and enter the Xerox
Aspiring Authors Contest. The company is on a nationwide search for the best
work of unpublished fiction to demonstrate the power of digital print-on-demand
as a smart alternative to traditional publishing.

The grand prize winner gets $5000 and a 100 copies of their own book.  (Thanks to Michael Bracken for the heads-up).

Edgar Judge Breaks Confidentiality

Tony Fennelly, one of the Edgar judges in the Best Paperback Original committee, has gone on DorothyL, a discussion group of mystery fans and writers, to air her displeasure about the committee’s choice for the Edgar. She also talks about some of the deliberations (without naming the specific judges she disagreed with). This is the second year in a row that a judge has violated the confidentiality rules that govern Edgar judging and gone public with details about committee deliberations (Hal Glatzer did it last year in far more detail).  This outrageously unprofessional behavior infuriates me. Judges go into the Edgar process knowing from the outset what the rules are and agree to them. Fennelly and Glatzer’s wrong-headed conduct reflects badly on the MWA, the Edgars, their fellow judges, and the award winners. I think it’s time that the MWA consider adopting disciplinary actions against members who violate the confidentiality of Edgar judging. What’s your view?

What To Do Next?

This is a post from my writing/producing partner William Rabkin. He asked me to share it with you so he could get your advice:

I’m facing a big question, and I’d like some advice from others who have
found themselves in this position. I’ve just finished my first novel — aside
from implementing whatever brilliant suggestions my esteemed partner will
inevitably have — and am ready to move on. But I am torn between two projects.
My question is: How do you decide what to start next?
 
The one I just finished was a no-brainer. It was based on a completed
script that had been optioned by a Major Producer, who had then been unable to
set it up anywhere. I knew the story worked and would work even better in book
form.
 
But now the decision is nowhere near as clear cut. I’ve got one sort of
Elmore-Leonard-Meets-PT-Anderson thriller based on a partial script I abandoned
when I realized that what I wanted to accomplish with it could only be done in a
book, not a script. (Not a salable script, anyway, not unless I just finished
writing and directing Boogie Nights.) The other is also a thriller, but more
personal and emotional.
 
I’ve been planning on jumping into the first idea for months. But now that
I’m actually there, my heart and mind keep drifting to the other one. Downside
is, it’s going to be a lot harder. It’s not plotted — the other one is about
half-plotted, and I have a pretty good idea about the final trajectory — and
frankly, there are things in it I’m kind of scared to dive into for personal
reasons. But at the same time, it’s exciting me in a way the other one isn’t.
Sometimes scary is good.
 
As for commercial potential, I’d say they’re about the same. As in, who
knows?
 
My intellect is telling me to do the first one first, knock it out and move
on to the other one as my third novel. But my heart is pulling me in the other
direction. One way or another, I’ve got to commit.
 
If you’re not Lee Goldberg, with deadlines rushing at you every month and a
new book coming out every other week, how do you guys choose your next
project?

On the Radio/On the Air

This is a test, of sorts. I want to see if I can integrate audio and video files into my blog posts. So here is a half-hour radio interview I did last week on Gregory Vleisides’ "Metro Voice"  show on KCWJ in Kansas City:

Download goldberg_interview_.mp3

And here is the sales presentation for THE CHIEF, the unsold pilot I did a few years ago (and talked about in a blog post earlier today):

Download chief.rm

Please let me know if you’re able to download and listen/view these files. Thanks!

An Email I’m Not Going to Answer

I got his creepy email from The Netherlands today:

Hello mr. Goldberg,

How do you do? i’m not so fine.

Iám a big fan of diagnosis murder and also from the familly  van Dyke, but i
don’t no how to write with them, i mis them very much. I hope that i can see
them some time, that’s my dream and it allways will be, because we haven’t no
money to come to America to find them.

Please could you help me? I hope so,’you are my last change.

Weep for the Scammer

Get-rich-quick huckster Lori Prokop is "saddened" that aspiring writers,  whose desperation for publication makes them easy prey, aren’t falling for her transparent BookMillionare Reality Show scam. She writes:

We
are building both a television show, television viewing audience and
online community to highlight the writing community. To see this
slammed by members of the writing community is a sad situation.

It certainly is for her…and probably a real shocker, too.  She was counting on the proven gullibility of aspiring writers.  But I had no idea that all Lori, whose personal email address is Cash@megabestseller.com, really wanted to do was help the community of writers and promote world peace. I feel so guilty.

This
type of slamming saddens me as I can see people who write and
communicate in this manner are hurt, frustrated and need help healing
past wounds. My heart goes out to them but I also request they refrain
from further slams and instead speak directly to me to receive the
facts.

Translation:  "Stop talking about my scam in public, you’re scaring away all the suckers!"

iUniverse or PublishAmerica?

I received this email today:

I was just ready to send my manuscript off to them when I stumbled upon your
article.  Last time I published I used iuniverse.  Do you have any other
feedback that you would like to share with me regarding these two companies?

I replied: I think self-publishing your novel is a mistake, but if you’re going to do it,
go with iUniverse. They are honest about who they are and what they do and
they turn out a very nice looking product.