Lee returns from vacation today, so let me say thank you for allowing me to come into your homes in his absence. I hope I haven’t turned you off of his site permanently. I swear, he’ll be back with his normal take on all things TV and books. However…before I go…before Lee finds this himself and I am therefore angered at my own lack of ability to find odd and perverse things on my own, please note that Ulli’s Roy Orbison In Clingfilm Website is up and running and shames, I say, shames!, the Steve Perry one below for sheer erotic fan fic oddity. My favorite begins thusly:
In this fantasy Roy Orbison and I are the pilots of a magnificent rocket ship powering through space.
‘Adjust thrusters, Mr. Haarbürste,’ says Roy tersely, his calm capable hands adjusting the controls, the stars reflected in his trademark dark glasses.
‘At once, mein Kapitan!’ The precision-engineered BMW engines send us zooming through the stratosphere and push us back into our upholstered flight-seats.
‘Make your report, Lieutenant Jetta.’
The screen wired to the pod where Jetta nestles snugly flickers into life. ‘WE ARE LEAVING EARTH’S ATMOSPHERE AND ON COURSE FOR SPACE’ says the read-out.
And concludes with:
Everything goes strange. It feels as though my internal organs are sucked out through my ears.
And then…
‘I scoffed at the time but now I perceive you were wise. You will wrap me in cling-film at once.’
Roy unbuckles from his seat and floats out into the middle of the cabin. ‘Commence,’ he says.
We have gone back in time and I will have to wrap Roy all over again!
In space, no-one can hear you squeak with pleasure.
Welcome home, Lee. Enjoy the hate mail.
—Tod