Lee Goldberg

Beyond the Beyond Sale

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Stand_beyond
As I mentioned here before, I’ve got hundreds of copies of my book BEYOND THE BEYOND that I need to unload to create room in my garage for my Mom’s stuff. In the last few days, I’ve donated books to the New Orleans Public Library as well as Better World Books, among others. But I still have plenty left.

I’ll be glad to send you a signed copy for $9.99, which includes media mail postage to anywhere in the United States. 

BEYOND THE BEYOND is about ex-cop Charlie Willis, who handles “special security” for Pinnacle Pictures. His job: to protect the studio and its stars, to stop scandals before they explode, to the
keep the peace in the land of make-believe. How he does it is up to him. In this book, a sequel to “My Gun Has Bullets,” he has to protect the president of a fledgling TV network from an assassin, an A-list screenwriter from his homicidal agent, and the cast of a cult TV series from its legion of rabid,
homicidal fans.

Here’s a sampling of the critical praise for the book:

“Goldberg uses just about everything he can think of to send up the studio system, fandom, Star Trek, Trekkies, agents, actors… you name it, he’ll make you laugh about it.” Analog

"An outrageously entertaining take on the loathsome folkways of contemporary
showbiz,"Kirkus Reviews

“Mr. Goldberg has an observant eye and a wicked pen!” Washington  Times

“Beyond the Beyond reads like a modern-day Alice in Wonderland set against the venal world of the TV industry. It’s wonderfully revealing and uncannily accurate,” Vancouver Sun

"Stingingly funny! B+" Entertainment Weekly

"Some of the easily recognizable actors, agents and producers who are mercilessly ribbed may find
it hard to crack a smile at the author’s gag-strewn prose. Likewise those seekers after politically correct entertainment. But the rest of us should have no trouble….the novel’s satiric slant is strong enough to have an effigy of Goldberg beamed into outer space at the next Star Trek convention," Los Angeles Times

And yet, there were still 600 copies that didn’t sell. Even with a giant penis on the cover. Can you imagine that? If you’d like to buy one of them for $9.99,  just click on the button below:




What Should I Do With Hundreds of TV Guides?

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My Mom is moving to a smaller place close to the beach… so I am cleaning out my garage to give her some storage space. And I have come to the painful realization that it’s time to get rid of my 100s of  TV GUIDES. I don’t have the time or patience to scan each cover and sell’em individually on eBay… so I am coming to you, my loyal readers, for suggestions on what to do with them.  Is there a library I could donate them to, perhaps?  And while you’re at it, have you got any ideas on what I should do with:

  • 600 copies of BEYOND THE BEYOND?
  • 100s of publicity and set photos from movie & TV press kits? (the kits themselves are long gone)
  • A few hundred issues of STARLOG magazine?

I’ve got four weeks until she moves her stuff into my garage…

You Just Know This Idiot Loves FanFic…

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My brother Tod has a weekly feature on his blog in which he skewers the "fucktards" who write Letters to Parade seeking answers from the fictional Walter Scott. Well,  Tod could probably do the same with some of the people who write to TV Guide.

Take Susan A. Davis of Newport, Vermont for example.

She’s peeved about the season finale of CSI, which showed Grissom and Sara in bed together in the closing moments of the episode. TV Guide called it a shocking season finale. But since I only watched two episodes of CSI this season, I didn’t realize I was supposed to be shocked. I just figured the two characters were doing the nasty monkey together now. I wasn’t shocked. In fact, I didn’t care. But let’s get back to Susan A. Davis of Newport, Vermont. She wrote:

The writers ought to sit in a corner with their faces to the wall and chant the following: Don’t mess with canon. Don’t mess with canon. Don’t mess with canon.

"Canon" is a term that fanfic writers like to use to refer to the backstory established in the TV shows, movies, books and comics that they are ripping off.  So what makes Susan A. Davis of Newport, Vermont a raging fucktard is that she doesn’t seem to grasp that  she was watching  the actual, original, CSI tv show…not reading CSI fanfic or CSI/X-Files cross-over fic or CSI slash fic or even the William Petersen Real Person Slash Fic that she probably loves.  Because if she did comprehend that she was watching the actual, original, CSI tv show, then she’d know that canon is whatever the creators of CSI say it is.  The writer/producers decide who the characters are and what they are going to do…they create the canon.

You may not like what the writer/producers come up with, you may think they’ve jumped the shark and fucked it, too… but it’s what’s happening on the actual, original, CSI tv show, which is still written and produced by the same folks who did the pilot, and that, Susan A. Davis of Newport Vermont,  makes whatever they do "canon."

So, I submit that Susan A. Davis of Newport, Vermont, should sit in a corner with her face to the wall and chant "I am a fucktard, I am a fucktard, I am a fucktard…"

Fan Fliction

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The New York Times reports today that lots of fans are making their own STAR TREK movies and episodes — which I hereby dub fan fliction– and that Paramount has turned a blind corporate eye to it as long as no one tries to make a buck from their work.

Up to two dozen of these fan-made "Star Trek" projects are in
various stages of completion, depending what you count as a
full-fledged production. Dutch and Belgian fans are filming an episode;
there is a Scottish production in the works at www.ussintrepid.org.uk.

There is a group in Los Angeles that has filmed more than 40 episodes, according to its Web site, www.hiddenfrontier.com, and has explored gay themes that the original series never imagined. Episodes by a group in Austin, Tex., at www.starshipexeter.com,
feature a ship whose crew had the misfortune of being turned into salt
in an episode of the original "Star Trek," but has now been repopulated
by Texans.

"I think the networks — Paramount, CBS — I don’t think they’re
giving the fans the ‘Trek’ they’re looking for," said Mr. Sieber, a
40-year-old engineer for a government contractor who likens his "Star
Trek" project, at www.starshipfarragut.com, to "online community theater."

"The fans are saying, look, if we can’t get what we want on
television, the technology is out there for us to do it ourselves," he
added.

And viewers are responding. One series, at www.newvoyages.com,
and based in Ticonderoga, N.Y., boasts of 30 million downloads. It has
become so popular that Walter Koenig, the actor who played Chekov in
the original "Star Trek," is guest starring in an episode, and George
Takei, who played Sulu, is slated to shoot another one later this year.
D. C. Fontana, a writer from the original "Star Trek" series, has
written a script.

I’ve seen "Star Trek: The New Voyages" and, as I posted here in December, I was very impressed:

The acting and writing are cringe-inducing but everything else is
amazing. I can’t believe what these imaginative and extremely talented
film-makers were able to accomplish on a shoe-string budget (though it
helps to have the FX pros from STAR TREK ENTERPRISE over-seeing the
effects).

[…]Watching the first two episodes of NEW VOYAGES makes you realize what
ENTERPRISE should have been:  a return to the STAR TREK we all fell in
love with. Note to Paramount: It’s not too late. 

Gimme Gimme Gimme

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I’m a TV writer/producer and a novelist. I don’t buy scripts, finance movies, publish books, or take on apprentices. And I’m not a celebrity.

Even so, every day I get emails from strangers asking me to buy their scripts, read their scripts, plug their blogs, blurb their books, or take them on as apprentices. I still don’t understand why. But the vast majority of those appeals are so badly presented, I can’t imagine that any of them  could ever work. Here’s a sampling of some I’ve received this week, the names  have been changed to protect the guilty.

I think this woman wants me to take her on as some kind of apprentice…or buy her life story…or just pay attention to her. I’m not sure:

I’m a 36 year old
black woman who has always desired to write for a living.  Thus my blog at XYZ.  Please don’t think I’m some rags to riches story in the
making as I’m not.  The closest I’ve ever been to the ghetto was driving
past fast on my way to visit some unfortunate relative.  LOL!  I am
FABULOUS.  just FABULOUS as you’ll soon find out. I have a gazillion
ideas and a gazillion/gamillion stories.[…]

Please visit my site and take me on as someone to mentor.  You could be the man who
discovered the next Shonda Rhimes. Come on…take a chance.  I’m EXACTLY
the sort of story Oprah would EAT UP!

Another complete stranger wants me to call him or give him my phone number using this come on:

I’m the publisher of XYZ.com, which is regularly ranked in the Top 5% off all sites on the web and cited by international, national and regional media. Is there a number I might reach you at or can you please call me at XXXXX when you have a moment?

Why would I want to do that? When I asked him what he wanted to talk about, he replied:

A forthcoming online project I’m working on.

Uh-huh. Needless to say, I haven’t called. Another person wants me to read his script:

Please take a look at XYZ.  We are now being read by the Hallmark Channel, Noah Wiley, Erique LaSalle and John Schneider and Albert Brooks’ manager. We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Why would I want to read the script? What’s the point? And if all those stars are reading the script, what the heck do you need me for anyway (though, in point of fact, the stars aren’t reading the script, their "reader" is reading the script). 

A self-published author wants me to blurb his book:

My first novel is now on sale.  Please see: XYZ.com.  I’m writing to request a blurb and any other help you believe is appropriate for its promotion.  I’ve receive several blurbs, including one from XYZ, that I will put on a poster to boost local
attention.

Who could resist a note like that? Not only will I blurb it,  I’m going to give him the  deed to my house.

Recommended Publishers

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A reader posed this question to me in an email:

I read your comments about Publish America, and so I thought I would write and ask what publishers you would recommend for an aspiring writer trying to get their first short novel published?

Reputable ones. It’s a simple as that.  Publish America isn’t one of them. They are a vanity press in disguise.

Here’s another piece of advice, since you’re asking: Don’t get involved with any publisher that asks you to pay to be published.  They should pay you, not the other way around.

I would also be extremely leary of  any publishers that are strictly print-on-demand. I’m not saying all the  non-pay-to-be-published POD presses are dishonest, far from it, some of their founders really love books and respect authors… but many of those "publishers" tend to be on very shaky commercial footing at best. Take what happened with Quiet Storm, for example.  On the other hand, Ellora’s Cave has become very successful and treats their authors well (though they have some of the most laughably horrible "covers" I’ve ever seen).

I’m No Help

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For some reason, Fridays is the day I seem to get the most blog-related email.  Here’s one from Kelly Cyr:

I read through your blog and find you extremely negative and cynical. You
also hold yourself well above the rest of us writers. Maybe you should find
another line of work. I don’t think writing suits you at all. Honey, I don’t
think you would be anyone enjoyable to be around at all. Go find another
occupation and get happier. The stuff you write only brings people down and
was of no help to me at all. 

I’ll share a secret with you, Kelly. I’m not half as talented as most of the writers I know and I live in fear that some day people are going to figure that out. You’re obviously way ahead of the pack on that one. 

But I have to correct you on a couple of other things:  I am the happiest guy you will ever meet. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful and supportive family, lots of friends, good health, and a career doing what I love (despite my obvious lack of talent).

I’m sorry that my work saddens you. If you came here looking for help with your career, your relationships, or your pursuit of inner peace, you definitely came to the wrong place. My blog isn’t an advice column and I’m not Walter Scott. This is my collection of rantings, ramblings, and opinions on this and that. Sometimes I answer questions, but I’m not here to help you sell your script, get your book published,  train your dog to fetch, discover spiritual enlightenment, or become multiply orgasmic (though I am told reading my DIAGNOSIS MURDER books helps a lot with that). I’m here because I’m procrastinating when I should be writing. Try my brother Tod’s blog instead or write a letter to Parade.

Thingies III

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I’m the oldest of four children. My 11 year-old daughter suddenly
realized, in the wake of her "Human Growth and Development Class," what
this meant.

"Grandma had sex four times? I can’t imagine even doing it once!"

Thingies II

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So my 11-year-old daughter gets home from her "Human Growth and Development" class at school and has some questions about sex.

"Why does a man’s thingie have to get so big?"  she asked.

"So he can get his sperm inside of  a woman and fertilize the egg," I said.

"Couldn’t he just mail it to the woman so she could put it in herself?"