The Mail I Get

The Mail I Get

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MarchauthorsmallFacebook is quickly becoming over-run by people promoting their books…or at least it seems that way from my mailbox. Every day I get cringe-worthy new examples of how not to promote your book. Here's one that I got today from a self-published author:

I just wanted to send greetings from New Orleans and to thank you for adding me as your friend on Facebook. I am an author with a new suspense thriller,
Time Couriers, recent recipient of AmazonClicks Author's Choice Award for March 2009!

Touting yourself as an "AmazonClicks" award-winner is like screaming "I am pathetic!!" as loudly as you possibly can. 

AmazonClicks is an utterly meaningless and honorless non-accolade that has nothing whatsoever to do with Amazon.com.  It's basically a popularity contest among nobodies set-up by a fledgling e-book publisher:

These are the only awards, voted for by ordinary readers and peer authors, where world beating best sellers compete against brand new and often unknown titles from talented writers sometimes struggling to gain recognition for their work.

We also list the winners of all the major literary awards so you can choose from the very best books available. […]
A wide range of thought provoking, amusing, thrilling and heart wrenching works are always nominated. The list shows these initially in the order they are received and then they are rank ordered by votes cast. 

[…]From the hundreds of nominations that can be received each month, only the top titles, most voted for, are listed – an award in itself! 

Participation in the voting and nominations for the AmazonClicks Authors Choice Award is open only to people with an ISBN number of their own. 

The Author's Choice Award is to give peer recognition and so we need to establish the votes for this award are coming from other authors, that is why we ask for an ISBN number of one of your works.

[…]Each person has one vote except authors who can vote once in each category so they get two. A vote will continue to be counted to support a book until that book wins an award in one of the categories (Reader's or Author's Choice) after which is will be removed from that category but may remain in the other if it has also been nominated there.

Well, those were the rules. The response from readers and authors this month has been so low, that AmazonClicks is combining the two "awards" into one. 

After much deliberation, we have decided to merge the Readers and Authors Choice Awards to one monthly 'AmazonClicks Award' for the most popular book. Due to the low votes in April, this will be effective immediately. The good news is that the competition goes on.

That's a relief.  What any of this idoicy has to do with Amazon is beyond me, except that they want to imply a connection where one doesn't exist. 

While this awards hokum isn't a scam in the classic sense — nobody is conning people out of their money — it still preys on the insecurity, naivete and desperation of aspiring authors. 

These self-published authors are so hungry for validation, for acknowledgment of any kind, that they'll jump at anything, no matter how insipid, that offers even the illusion of acclaim and recognition.

Instead, by touting this inane "award," the aspiring authors are humiliating themselves and creating new obstacles to overcome in their quest for publishing success and professional recognition. No reputable agent, editor, or reviewer will ever take an author seriously who considers an AmazonClicks "award" an honor worth touting. 

I feel sorry for this guy.

UPDATE 5-5-09: Pete, the guy behind the AmazonClicks "awards," isn't too pleased about my comments. He says, in part:

basically he accuses us of trading off Amazon's name and running meaningless awards. I'm guessing he's never won an award and is envious of those of you who have attracted hundreds of votes for your titles. If you come across this sort of vitriol, I suggest you just ignore it because his is only one tiny, unknown voice against the many that have praised your achievements.

What's interesting is that now he's going to change the site's name (to scrap the implied connection to Amazon) and is dropping his plans to start an e-book business.

rather than give fuel to the mindless ramblings of people like the aforementioned, I intend to change the name in the near future. […]After long consideration and polling onions around the Internet, I've decided not to pursue the eBook or any other type of selling on line. The new awards site will be just that, exclusively awards.

This is a sharp detour from just a week ago, when he had very different "onions" to report:

A number of surveys, polls and requests for feedback have been conducted to evaluate the eBook proposition and I'm pleased to report overwhelming support in favour. So wheels are now in motion to set this up

Gee, I wonder what changed. I'm sure that his new awards (WalmartClicks? BarnesandNobleClicks? PetCoClicks?) will be just as meaningful, coveted, respected, and renowned as AmazonClicks was.

The Mail I Get

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This one came today from Amazon Customer Service and the subject was "Your Amazon Inquiry." But I didn't make an inquiry. Here's what it said:

My name is Janet; I am a senior member of our Connect team, a part of my job
consists of deciding if AmazonConnect postings adhere to our guidelines. As
such, your account was brought to my attention.

Some of your posts have been found to be spiteful. In order to facilitate
customer buying choices, we encourage authors to discuss their work and
information related to it, however posts that are spiteful will be removed.

If this continues, we will remove your posting privileges from your
AmazonConnect account in accordance with our Conditions of Use.

My Amazon blog is a mirror of this one. I was curious which posts troubled Amazon (if it's really Amazon, of course… it's probably a ruse) and sent this note:

Spiteful? Oh my. Please indicate to me which specific posts of mine you believe are "spiteful" and why so I can better understand Amazon's thinking in this regard.

I'll let you know what they say.

The Mail I Get

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Barbara Early sent me this amusing email

I thought you'd like to know what Amazon is recommending to readers of your books. I'm not sure what make of it. 

Dear Amazon.com Customer,

We've noticed that customers who have purchased or rated Mr. Monk Goes to the Firehouse by Lee Goldberg have also purchased Inside Animal Hoarding: The Case of Barbara Erickson and her 552 Dogs by Arnold Arluke. For this reason, you might like to know that Inside Animal Hoarding: The Case of Barbara Erickson and her 552 Dogs will be released on March 15, 2009. 

The book is described as an indepth look at "one of the largest and most intriguing cases of animal hoarding in recent history." Why that story would be of interest to Monk readers is beyond me. But it does give me an interesting idea for a character that Monk can encounter in the next book…

The Mail I Get

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I am not a publisher, editor, or studio chief. I don't buy books or screenplays. And yet I am constantly being pitched manuscripts and screenplays by aspiring writers.  Here's the introduction from a particularly inept unsolicited pitch that I got today:

Mr. Goldbrg, 

My name is Theodore Chambers, and I am an aspiring author. No, I take that back. I AM an author.
Just not published yet! I have just completed my first novel, and am sending feelers out to highly selected
group of publishing industry luminarios to invite them (you!) to take your seasoned red pen to my
new manuscript and mark away, giving me all your honest thoughts on pacing, character, setting,
theme, and plot devices. I know in my heart of hearts that I am destined to be a famous author,
and I think you will see the potential here for joining me on this journey. Just imagine if Nora Roberts
had come to you, Mr. Goldbrg, and said please look at my first manuscript. If you had accepted
that challenge, you would be spoken of today in even greater tones than you already are. Here is your chance
to make up for missing out on that!

Let me see if I have this straight — since I didn't have the opportunity to read Nora Roberts' first manuscript and be spoken of  in "even greater tones" than I already am, I should now devote days of my time to reading, editing, and critiquing a manuscript from a total stranger who can't even spell my name? Gee, how could I resist an opportunity like that!? But wait, there's more:

Please let me know ASAP if you would like to see the manuscript, or perhaps if you are already intrigued enough
we can possibly discuss potential agents or editors. I am more than willing to cut you in on a finder's fee if anything
comes from you.

How generous. Needless to say, I won't be asking to read his "soon-to-be published novel titled THE ARGOSY AGONY." Clearly, this "destined to be famous author" has simply spammed every established novelist with a blog or website (his "highly selected group of publishing industry luminarios") with his solicitation, which includes a lengthy (and awful) plot summary that's riddled with typos and miss-spellings.  The sad thing is that he doesn't realize what a bad impression he's creating among the "luminarios" that he believes that he's destined to join…and how self-destructive his solicitation actiually is.

The Mail I Get – Unsolicited Filler Edition

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Lately I have been getting unsolicited offers to supply posts for my blog. Here's one that came in today from Amy Currie at Phenix Publicity:

Please find pasted below a contributed piece by author and progressive blogger James Protzman, for your consideration. Co-founder of the liberal blog BlueNC.com, Protzman was inspired to overhaul his new book, "Jesus Swept," by combining not only the elements of fiction writing, but also his experience with blogging and freelance business writing. His article shares his experience and this transition.

First off, as a piece of PR, this solicitation sucks. The first line should grab the person you are trying to sway, not numb them into a coma. Please find pasted below a contributed piece…? Ugh. It's as if Ms. Currie, a "Senior Publicist" at Phenix, didn't even make an effort to craft a creative or interesting pitch. Either Ms. Currie was too busy to care or she has a lot to learn about writing press releases and garnering attention for her clients.

Beyond the inept execution of the release, I find the basic premise of the "campaign" ill-conceived. Most bloggers blog because they have a world view, an agenda, a product, an opinion, a cause, or an idea…or a combination of all those…that they want to share. Why would a blogger be interested in an unsolicited post by another blogger flogging his book? If Protzman's blog is as good and as popular as he claims, wouldn't a post there generate enough interest (and links/trackbacks) on its own? Why would I, or anybody else, want to carry a 600 word essay (essentially an infomercial) by someone we don't know about a book we don't care about?

Well, we might if his essay was the least bit interesting or provocative, which Protzman's is not. Here's an example of his wisdom: 

With one hand in the blogosphere and the other working for business clients, I started a grand revision of my novel, mixing all three forms – blogging, business writing, fiction – into a spicy soup. I’ve learned these three kinds of writing are as different as earth, wind and fire – except when they’re not.

Uh-huh. I'm enlightened, how about you? There's 500 more words of observations like this available to fill space on your blog if you want it…

The Mail I Get

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It's a cliche that everybody thinks their life would make a great story — but now it's not just a story, it's a reality show. I got an email from a guy who thinks there's a show in his budding auto parts business. He writes:

There would be a small but dedicated market for said show on specific cable networks. Not so much featuring the building, but more the economics, structure and work that goes into the business… with the work, cars, and skills being accessories to the focus.
If that interests you, and you would like to discuss further, please let me know. There are a million details, directions and avenues that can be explored within this realm.

I don't know what makes people think that they should share their reality show ideas with me, since I have never written, produced, or created one. But I guess they figure that if you're working in Hollywood, you're plugged into every facet of the TV biz. I'm not. No offense, but you're wasting your time sending me your reality show ideas.

The Mail I Get

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I got an email today asking me about the 1988 ABC TV series MURPHY’S LAW, which starred George Segal as an insurance investigator and Maggie Han as his much-younger girlfriend. The email said, in part:

“I am a big fan of Murphy’s Law, and I am not sure anyone else can answer my question! What happened in the unaired episode? (I believe it was called “All’s Wrong That Ends Wrong”.) And while I have you, were there plans for where the series would
go, had it continued? […] Did you enjoy the series? What was it like working for Michael Gleason and Leonard Stern? There is so little written about the show, I would love to know any of your recollections.”

The series was based on the TRACE and DIGGER novels by Warren Murphy. Michael Gleason, the creator and showrunner of REMINGTON STEELE, was the executive producer and Ernie Wallengren was the supervising producer. Each episode was titled after one of the Murphy’s Laws from the books published by Price Stern & Sloan (a company co-founded by Leonard Stern, one of our producers).

Gleason protege Lee David Zlotoff (who created MacGYVER) wrote and produced the 90-minute pilot which, as I recall, neither ABC nor New World Pictures Television was too happy with. So they brought in Michael, who re-cut it, shot some new scenes, and dropped the melancholy Mike Post theme in favor of a song by Al Jarreau. The idea was to make the show more light-hearted, though there definitely were some on-going dramatic elements regarding Murphy’s battle with alcoholism and his efforts to win visitation rights with his young daughter from his estranged wife, played by Kim Lankford.

I have enormous affection for MURPHY’S LAW because working on it had a lasting impact on me personally and professionally. It was the first staff job that Bill Rabkin and I had ever had…and it came right after the longest writers strike in the history of the TV industry. We wanted the job so bad and it was astonishing to us that we actually got it.We were working on the CBS/Radford lot and sharing a floor with the staff of THIRTYSOMETHING, which was pretty cool, too.

I was a huge admirer of Michael Gleason’s and, frankly, couldn’t believe we were actually working for him. He was so charming, creative, funny and friendly…he couldn’t have made it easier or more exciting for us… but even so, I was intimidated to actually have achieved my dream, and so afraid of failing, that for the first day or two after we got the green-light to write our script I suffered complete writer’s block, which broke only because Bill was there to walk me through it. We wrote two scenes together, line by line, and it was so much fun that I got so caught up in the writing that I forgot to be afraid.

I could go on and on about the show but the best thing about it was that Michael Gleason and Ernie Wallengren were wonderful writers and producers and very nice people. They taught us everything they knew, let us into casting, editing, music spotting and every other aspect of production…and gave us far more responsibility than we had any right to have. They also became more than our bosses…they became very close friends who we would work with again and again over the years. Series regular Kim Lankford introduced her cousin Carrie (or was it her niece?) to Bill, who promptly fell in love and married her…and they are still together today.

To answer your specific questions…we worked closely with Michael Gleason and consider him our mentor. We owe our careers to him and Ernie. We met Leonard Stern many times, but he wasn’t actively involved in the writing or producing of the series.

By the time we shot the 13th episode, we knew we’d been canceled and were going through the motions. The final episode, at New World’s insistence, was designed as a spin-off starring Joan Severance as a thief-turned-insurance investigator. Two versions were cut — one as a MURPHY’S LAW episode, the other as a pilot that largely cut our cast out of the action. I don’t know who had the brilliant idea of trying to sell a spin-off from a canceled show but, needless to say, it went nowhere. At the end of the episode, Murphy wins his long battle for unsupervised visitation rights with his daughter and the final shot is the two of them embracing on an airport runway.  The episode never aired…but I have a copy.

As far as I know, the show has never been in syndication and the only episode ever released to home video was the pilot…

Here’s the main title sequence…

The Mail I Get

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I got this email today from Patrice Schoppe, a displeased MONK reader:

I just read Mr. Monk in Outer Space. Please leave the social commentary
about rich vs. poor to those who are good at it. Do what you do well and write
Monk books about Monk. If you want to write social commentary, do it in a non
fiction book.

I replied:

Ouch!
I'm not aware of any "social commentary" in my MONK books…but now that I have been forewarned, I will be sure to save any future thoughts along those lines for my non-fiction blockbuster on the changing face of American society: "I Saw a Rolls Royce in the Walmart Parking Lot"

He replied:

Hmm. . . . now I know where Monk's personality and ego come from.

The Mail I Get

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I got an email from a self-published author. Here it is, in its entirety (minus his name):

Hello,
Thank you so much for your time and I hope today finds you well. I write today to present 2 works…one fiction, one non-fiction which I am hopeful you may wish to review. Descriptions of both are below as well as links to read the first chapter of each. In the case of the non-fiction work a current press release (with review excerpts) is also below. Looking very forward to hearing from you. 

Wow, what a compelling pitch. Does he really think that would entice anyone to review his work? Well, to be fair, it did entice me to read the descriptions that he included. Here's the one for his non-fiction book (minus the author's name and book title):

An often terrifying journey through XYZ’s childhood in a “haunted” house through to many strange and unexplainable supernatural contacts and occurrences in his later life. Then the twist. A complete second book is added that the author feels was actually sent from an otherworldly source. Multiple cases of connections to the US 9-11 events, even mentions of the flight numbers and a description of the feelings of the World on that day are to be found in this second book. Eerily it was written and copyrighted 4 years prior to the events. XYZ feels his work was “spiritually sent through me to serve as a guide to help bring peace of mind to us all in the post 9-11 World”. 

Gosh, I wonder why he had to self-publish this one. Here's how the author describes himself on his website:

XYZ is many things. Author, award-winning Poet,popular paranormal Blogger, explorer of the strange and unusual, a guiding hand, a creator and developer, and more.

The "and more" should include nutball and sucker. By the way, I feel this entire post was sent to me spiritually from an otherworldly source.

The Mail I Get – The Risk You Take Edition

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Today I got an angry email from Joe Blow whose note was the basis for one of my "Mail I Get" posts. He wrote, in part:

I am really upset that you used my email in your Mail I Get feature. I specifically told you when I wrote to you that I didn't want to see my email turn up in your Mail I Get feature and that's exactly what you did with it.  How could you? 

Because your email was insipid, Joe, and I certainly don't feel any need to comply with your orders. I don't work for you. And if you read my blog enough to know that I regularly post emails that I get, then you should have known better than to send me one if you were afraid of seeing it posted. I've said it before but I will say it again…

1) if you are a stranger, and you send me an email asking for advice, you should assume that I will post your email (minus identifying information) and my answer on my blog so others may benefit from it…or be entertained by it. That said, I probably post less than 10% of the emails I get asking for advice. There are so many blogs out there offering screenwriting and publishing advice, and who do it far better than I do, that I am picky about what I post. It has to be either a really good, or a really inane, question for me to blog about it. Yours, Joe, was really inane.

2) If you send me an email trying to sell me your book, your product, or your service, you should assume I will post your spam on my blog and ridicule it. Most of the pitches I get are too mundane to merit a blog post, though.

3) If you are a vanity press, and you send me a solicitation, you should assume I will post your email on my blog and evicerate you. That should go without saying.

Look at the bright side, Joe.  At least I don't call people fucktards…as other members of my family do.