Breastmania

I was searching the Internet, trying to learn more about Lee E. Wells, the author of the novel DAY OF THE OUTLAW, the basis for the great western movie of the same name that I watched yesterday, when I came across this hilarious review for his novel PAGEANT. Here's an excerpt:

While the plot travels like a rickety go-cart on the highway of disaster, all the characters are grabbing woman-flesh like it's going out of style. Neither protagonist can make it out of a room without plunging their eyes down the "swell of breasts", "the dark beginning of the valley between breasts" (!?), "full, white, tip-tilted breasts", "the outer curves of breasts", "the untanned swell of the upper curve of her breasts" and  "the swelling curve of upper breasts", "gold-bordered curves", "full-rounded breasts", "water-plastered breasts" and a score of relatively-tactful "full-figures". (For the record, these phrases are all in the first three chapters.)

 Why do his descriptions of breasts all sound like directions to my house? Follow the outer curve until the highway swells up the fully-rounded, untamed, tip-tilted hill, then plunges into the valley.