Five hundred people, mostly women, showed up to see fifty male mystery authors at the 9th annual Men of Mystery luncheon and booksigning in Irvine today. During the autograph session, I was sitting at a table signing books with Thomas Greanias and my brother Tod when a guy came up to me to ask a question…
"My wife read a Monk book you wrote, I don't know which one, but he was wearing a raincoat."
"Okay," I said.
"She thought it was terrible. Have you written a Monk book that's good?"
"And she thinks your brother is fat and that you're stupid," Tod said to me.
I laughed. The guy looked at Tod. "I don't understand."
"You just came over here and told Lee that your wife hated his book."
The guy looked at Tod with a bewildered expression on his face. "That's why I want to know which one is good." He looked at me. "Can you recommend one?"
"What didn't she like about the book?" I asked.
"She said it was very, very dark."
"My Monk book," I said.
"Yes," he said. "The one with the raincoat."
"Oh, that must be the Monk book I wrote about pedophilia," I said.
To be honest, I forgot what was said after that though I remember that my brother was busy typing on his Blackberry, giggling to himself as he updated his Facebook page with the conversation.
Later, at the end-of-the-day signing, a woman came up to me and asked:
"Did Dick Van Dyke have any medical training?"
"No," I said.
"Then how was he able to play a doctor on TV?"
"He was acting," I said.
"You can do that?"
"Tobey Maguire wasn't bitten by a spider and imbued with super powers and he was able to play Spiderman."
She shook her head in astonishment. ""Weren't you worried about getting sued by people? What if they followed his advice and got killed?"
"Then they were too dumb to live," I said. "Natural selection."
She walked away. I think she was insulted.
Finally, at the cocktail reception for the authors, a woman standing beside me said hello.
"I'm Carole," she tugged at the name tag on her chest. "Want an excuse to stare at my boobs?"
"Do I need one?" I asked.
"It helps," she said.
"I'm a happily married man," I said. "The only boobs I'm allowed to stare at are my wife's."