After the networks announce their fall schedules in May, there’s a mad rush for the handful of available writing staff jobs on the new and returning shows. This nightmarish three-to-four week period is known as "staffing season." Today, TV writer Jane Espenson demystifies it for you on her blog.
Current Affairs
Tie Me Up
I got this email today from my brother Tod about my buddy James Kosub, worldwide President of the Lee Goldberg Fan Club:
You’ll be happy to know that the man who once lambasted you for writing
tie-ins, is now trying to get a job…writing tie-ins. I fucking love that guy!
I had to check this out for myself. Sure enough, Jim is sniffing around for tie-in work:
I sent an email to a gentleman at Black Flame
today, inquiring about possible work on the media tie-ins his imprint
produces… The way I figure it is this: go where the work is… It’ll be a challenge, I’m sure. It’s always easier to work with
wholly original material than with licensed properties, but it’s a
credit and a paycheck, and that’s what matters.
This struck me as an odd switcheroo, coming from a man who once described me as follows:
"For a man who makes his living writing television show
pastiches for those who cannot summon the intellectual wherewithal to tackle
original mystery fiction, he’s painfully full of himself…"
I wish Jim the best of luck in his endeavors to become as painfully full of himself as I am. If you would like to find out more about the tie-in field, I invite you to visit the International Association of Media Tie-in Writers and browse through their wealth of articles on the subject.
The Book Millionaire Scam
My brother Tod beat me to the news that Lori Prokop‘s Book Millionaire scam is back… a "reality show" that promises to grant the winner the "lifestyle of being a successfully published author" and "additional prizes to help achieve the goal of Best Selling and
Celebrity Status."
In other words, Lori will publish the winner through her vanity press ("Bestseller Publishing") and they will get a stack of Lori’s self-published books. Wow. Where can I sign up? And as I predicted, back in April when this scam was first announced, "Book Millionaire" won’t be on any television network…it’s going to be on the web. Videos of the suckers, excuse me, aspiring contestants are up on her site. At least one of them is mortified and wrote to me about it:
I fell for it hook, line and sinker…so of course I sent an email to all my friends to sign up on the site and watch for my audition tape and my really smart lawyer friend found your site and now I want to cry!
Lori Prokop’s scam is so transparent, how could anyone possibly fall for it? So that’s what I asked the lady who sent me the email, and she sent me a lengthy reply. Here are some excerpts:
I was a huge Survivor and Apprentice nut — always wanted
to do one of those shows but did not want to eat bugs or work for Donald
Trump. I was new in self-publishing at the time I sent in my tape….my passion for this business has become my mission.I have a circle of amazing friends who are always in the spot light–I thought it would make great television so
thus I believed the concept. I have a friend on the American Inventor Show, a friend who was
the first person voted off of Survivor and a friend that was on the Today Show…I have read some best
sellers that I felt where only best sellers because they were marketed correctly and I have read some awesome books that will never be on the best seller because they don’t understand marketing. So I believed in the concept. Thinking back I was amazed she was also from Wisconsin.
Wisconsin? What difference does that make? Clearly, this aspiring writer wanted to be a celebrity so badly, and was so jealous of her friends who got on TV, that she jumped blindly into this ridiculous scam without bothering to notice that, even if she won, she would get none of the things she was dreaming of. Lori Prokop can’t give anyone "the lifestyle of a bestselling author" or "celebrity status"…all she can do is offer contestants some of her self-published "get-rich-quick" books, a cheaper rate on leased cars, and tickets to one of her motivational speeches at a Unitarian church.
I have no sympathy whatsoever for the suckers who fell for her scam… they deserve the humiliation and disappointment they are in for. They didn’t think about what they were being offered ("the lifestyle of a bestselling author??"). They didn’t do any research into Lori Prokop or Bestseller Publishing (ten minutes on Google would have been enough). Instead, they gladly deluded themselves because they wanted Lori’s empty promises and outrageous claims to be true…they wanted a short-cut to their dream of being published authors. They have no one to blame but themselves. It’s hucksters like Lori Prokop, who profit on the desperation of aspiring writers, that infuriate me.
UPDATE 4-2-06: My brother Tod and I aren’t the only bloggers outraged by huckster Lori Prokop’s Book Millionaire scam. Journalist Richard Cobbett writes:
Is it wrong to hope that people like Lori Prokop wake up one day to find
their intestines crawling with tapeworms?
If she did, she’d try to sell them on the Internet as "miracle healing tapeworms."
Wit, Grit and Panache
The blurb machine at Crime Fiction Dossier has generated a kudo for THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE.
"Combining humor and suspense together
in a mystery novel is no easy feat, and few writers can accomplish it
with the skill of Lee Goldberg. The Man With the Iron-On Badge
is an affectionate ode to the classic Private Eye novel, told with wit
and grit, and a touch of panache." -Crime Fiction Dossier
"Wit, Grit and Panache." Sounds like a great title for a lousy TV series, doesn’t it? I can see it now…
"Jack Wit is a cop who doesn’t play by the rules, a rogue, a rebel, a loose cannon…Samantha Grit is a beautiful, sexy, undercover operative with degrees in psychology, criminology, and kicking ass… Largo Panache is a mysterious stranger, a thief who can steal anything from anyone anywhere… together they fight crime across the globe. They are WIT, GRIT AND PANACHE."
Crime Doesn’t Pay
Variety reports that the ratings for the premiere of THIEF on FX were underwhelming, posting the network’s lowest ratings yet for the launch of a new drama series. This comes on the heels of the poor performance of the similarly-themed HEIST on NBC last week, despite a lead-in from LAW AND ORDER. Both shows track a gang of thieves as they prepare for a major score.
Debut episode [of THIEF] posted a 1.1 national rating/3
share and 1.4 million adults 18-49, putting it behind a new episode of
"The Real World" (1.3/3, 1.7 million). "Thief" tied in the demo with
Discovery Channel’s "Deadliest Catch," which aired at 9.FX execs remain optimistic, pointing out that ratings for "Thief" are on par
with the most recent season of "The Shield" (2.8 million overall, 1.8
million in 18-49), which was considered a success by all accounts.
Six-episode series starring Andre Braugher as the leader of a
vault-robbing team also earned raves from critics.
Big Day for Two Crime Writers
Variety reports that novelist James Ellroy will adapt Nicci French’s thriller LAND OF THE LIVING for New Line Cinema. Literary agent Joel Gotler will be among the executive producers, presumably for brokering the deal.
Story concerns a promiscuous woman who’s
captured and tortured by a serial killer. After surviving the ordeal,
she has to figure out what happened because cops and even her friends
think she fabricated the story.Alexandra Milchan brought the book to
Ellroy, who just adapted his own "The Night Watchman" at Paramount.
Milchan is producing that pic with Lucas Foster and Erwin Stoff.
My Multiple Bookgasm
The friendly folks at Bookgasm, fans of my most recent DIAGNOSIS MURDER novel, like MR. MONK GOES TO THE FIREHOUSE, too. Among their comments:
Based on a character by Andy Breckman, Shalhoub plays Monk perfectly.
But there’s a little something missing in an hour-long show devoted to
both an intricate mystery and the character’s oddness. There usually
isn’t enough time to explore Monk and why he’s doing what he’s doing.
So enter Lee Goldberg and another excellent TV tie-in book, the first in the series, entitled MR. MONK GOES TO THE FIREHOUSE.
A book-length exploration of Monk is just so much more satisfying
because we get to see more of the detective’s odd little world.Monk’s house is being fumigated so he must temporarily move in with
his long-suffering assistant, Natalie Teeger. The book is written from
her point of view, a clever shift that allows us to be a voyeur on
Monk’s behavior without the constraints that would come from having
Monk explain his own obsessions. Teeger has an adolescent child and
surprisingly, Monk and the child get along well, even though he notes
to the mother that children are “walking cesspools” of disease. The
child is upset because a local firehouse dog has been killed by some
ax-wielding maniac. Monk takes the case.And from there, the
case gets progressively weirder, as do Monk’s habits. First, another
body is found, then Teeger becomes romantically involved with one of
the firemen, and all the while, Monk is slowly driving his assistant
crazy with incessant demands and whacked-out behavior. But there is
always a method to Monk’s peculiar madness, and the way he solves
crimes and deduces facts throughout the plot is thoroughly
entertaining. He sees more than we do, because he sees things that are
out of place. We might see a mess, but Monk sees a catastrophe, and
because of that vision, he is able to know when things are not only not
right, but downright sinister.
There’s nothing quite like a strong Bookgasm to start your day.
Kelley Goes to Mars
Variety reports that David E. Kelley is developing an American version of the hit BBC series LIFE ON MARS, about a cop who is in a near-fatal car wreck and wakes up in 1973. Has he really traveled back in time? Is he dreaming it? Or is he dead? Only the creators of the show and David Kelley know for sure. There was an interesting tid-bit in the article, though…apparently, BOSTON LEGAL is "on the bubble" for renewal.
The Worst of Ken
Emmy-award winning screenwriter Ken Levine shares some of his worst:
1. WHAT’S THE WORST THING YOU’VE EVER WRITTEN?
It’s hard to top (or bottom) AfterMASH. Take the three weakest
characters of MASH, put them in the hilarious confines of a Veteran’s
Hospital and you have a recipe for classic comedy.
For me, it would be a toss-up between the "Rookie School" episode of BAYWATCH (mob moll hides from hitmen in lifeguard training camp!), which I think tops our "Armored Car" episode, which Rolling Stone called the worst episode of television ever written. They must have missed our episode of THE HIGHWAYMAN.
Punishing Yourself
I leave the country for just a couple of days and the nation falls into anarchy. I got this email while I was away:
Your friend James Kosub has posted some damn fine — and damn patriotic —
PUNISHER fan fiction on his blog. I’ve read it and, well, it made me think
and it moved me on an emotional level. And, of course, he mentions you in
the premamble to the post…
Jim is, afterall, the President of my fan club. So I took a peek at his introductory comments:
It isn’t the greatest thing I’ve ever dumped out of my brain and onto
paper, but it’s still a solid, post-9/11 action/commentary story.[…]Coupled with my very positive
experience playing The Punisher on the Xbox, and finally seeing the new movie with Thomas Jane, I figured now was as good a time as any to share.
And already the critical raves are coming in…from his wife.
Still a powerful and effective piece, and it could easily be expanded beyond the "Punisher" main character.
I haven’t read the fanfic, but I doubt anything could capture the enormous cultural, political, and emotional impact of 9-11 quite as well as some of James Kosub’s fanfic stylings. But I’m with Jim’s wife on this one. It’s a crying shame that he chose The Punisher as his muse instead of Willy Wonka.