Television

How NOT to Sell Your Book to Television

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I got this unsolicited email today:

I have published a book and am interested in selling the television rights. I will send you a copy upon request, but you can go to http://www.authorhouse.com/ and see a synopsis and excerpts from sample chapters. The book is titled "Six Days of the Pigs" and I wrote it under the pen name R.J. Carrie-Reddington. In retrospect, it was probably a mistake to publish it under a pen name, but if you are interested, I can explain my reasons for doing so. Thanks for your attention. If you are interested in representing me, please advise.

How’s that for salesmanship? After reading that compelling pitch, is it any wonder this book was self-published? Ordinarily, I would have deleted the message and moved on… but I’m writing under an insane deadline, so any opportunity for procrastination is, of course, welcome. And I haven’t posted anything on my blog in a while. So I checked out the site. Here’s how R.J. Carrie-Reddington describes his novel:

A story about the people of Eastern North Carolina, awash with hogs, and the men, women and children caught in a mixture of loving and fighting between the love of good living and the love of money. The story is about how powerful politicians and bureaucrats are pitted against citizens who want to live a life of quality. It tells about six days of fast-moving events which are the culmination of simmering happenings of romance, illicit sex and violence that leads to murder. The six days end with a horrific tale of fire and mass destruction, and teaches a lesson. The plot was set in a real time of events. The story depicts the interaction between power and money seekers and those average folks who kept functioning routinely each day…

I’m not sure I’ve ever read a book where "the plot was set in a real time of events." So I gave the first chapter a peek…and didn’t get past the powerful first line:

Midway between dawn and sunrise the Tuesday morning air, heavy with nature’s fog, reeked with the acrid odor of pig feces as the skinny white man stood at the edge of the front porch, listening to Addie cry.

Now I know why he approached me. I’m a skinny white man and I wrote for "The Highwayman." If anyone can make television that reeks of the acrid odor of pig feces, it’s me!

I’m an Actor Now…

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Last week, I had my first acting role in a half-hour comedy. I got to play…

Lee Goldberg.

That’s right, I had to play me. A complex, compelling character with lots of quirky levels.

The role was part of a TV Land pilot called TV KITSCHEN, starring Martin Mull and Fred Willard. It’s a scripted talkshow (ala FERNWOOD TONIGHT) about TV culture. The pilot was written by Tom Hill and directed by Ted Lange, the bartender from THE LOVE BOAT. I was invited as a “Television Expert” to introduce clips from busted pilots which, if TV KITSCHEN goes, would be a regular feature of the show.

I’ve been on TV before as a guest — talking about my books, or pilots, or whatever series I’m doing — and I’m usually very relaxed and comfortable on camera. But this was the first time I had to learn lines and “act” natural… and do it opposite two comedy legends who like to improvise.

I was probably awful but it was exciting and I had a great time. And Ted Lange told me I’m a natural. Did I mention he was on THE LOVE BOAT? Every actor in television was on that show at one time or another. If Ted doesn’t know raw acting talent when he sees it, who does?

So after much thought, I’ve decided that if Pierce Brosnan really is stepping down as Bond, I’d like to throw my name in for consideration.

More “Best TV Shows…” Review

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From ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY-

The Best TV Shows That Never Were (ABC, TV-PG)
You couldn’t pay me to watch ABC crap like According to Jim (wait a minute, they do pay me to watch that…or at least they used to), but John Denver as a karate-chopping, guitar-strumming FBI agent? I’m in. So in. Denver’s turn in Higher Ground is just one of the failed TV pilots that turn up in this fun and fast-paced special, which also includes Peter Boyle reincarnated as a talking bulldog in something called Poochinski. That’s right, you heard me-Poochinski. B+ (Dalton Ross)

From PEOPLE

Finally airing after two years on ABC’s shelf, this summer special turns a bunch of lemons into refreshing lemonade. Best TV Shows, based on the book Unsold Television Pilots by coexecutive producer Lee Goldberg, is a breezy hour of clips from sample episodes of series that the networks decided against ordering. Not surprisingly, most of them stink- which is why the special is such a good time. You’ll slap your head in disbelief- try not to hurt yourself- at the idea of John Denver as a singing FBI agent. You’ll wonder whether Joe Penny as a samurai district attorney would have been funnier – unintentionally – that John Belushi’s Saturday Night Live. And you’ll think Scott Bakula is pretty down to earth in Star Trek: Enterprise after you see him in a busted pilot as a wacky scientist who accidentally merges with a satellite. For tube-historians, this is a must see. (3 out of 4 stars)

From TV GUIDE:

Actually, most of this cheeky clip-show special consists of appallingly bad scenes from the worst high concept television pilots ever rejected by the networks: Dennis Franz rides a horse in NYPD MOUNTED; Peter Boyle plays a dead cop reincarnated as a dog in POOCHINSKI and John Denver fights — and sings — as an FBI agent in HIGHER GROUND. Although it’s an entertaining hour, you’ll find yourself echoing the refrains “What were they thinking?” and “Look at that stupid thing!” SCORE 7 out of 10.

TV Tie-Ins Are Crap

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A woman recently approached me at a signing for my latest DM book and said she hadn’t read them until now because “everybody knows TV tie-ins are crap.” She loved my book, but had to get past her built-in distrust of anything with a TV character’s face on the cover.

What got her to take a chance on my book was the blurbs from authors she trusted and enjoyed…. otherwise, she never would have picked it up. She was stunned that the book wasn’t hack work (she’s also started reading Max Alan Collins’ “CSI” books and is loving them…)

This got me wondering… is her general opinion about TV tie-ins something most people share? Does everybody immediately look at a TV tie-in mystery and think “it’s got to be hack work?” This hasn’t stopped the “Star Trek” novels from becoming huge hits…and an industry unto themselves. But is this a fluke? What do you think? And if you share her opinion, what would it take to get you to give a TV-inspired novel a chance?

Missing Isn’t

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missingyr2titlesLifetime has picked up “Missing,” starring Vivica Fox and Caterina Scorsone, for five more episodes, bringing the second-season order to eighteen episodes (the same number as last season). The show has been doing great in the ratings and winning praise from critics nationwide…even those who weren’t so fond of season one, which starred Gloria Reuben. Having worked as a writer/producer on both seasons, I can say that Vivica has certainly “vivified” the show, inspiring everyone with her incredible energy and enthusiasm. It has been a terrific season that is getting better and better… even many fans who were criticizing the second season on the Lifetime discussion board have changed their minds. If you haven’t watched the show yet, which airs Saturdays at 10 pm, what are you waiting for?

Wil Wheaton is Still Alive

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My brother Tod recommended Wil Wheaton’s blog to me a while back and I finally got around to reading it (in fact, Tod even wrote a Las Vegas Mercury column about the blog). Wheaton, you may recall, was the kid in STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION… and his blog is surprisingly sharp, witty, and candid. It starts with his explanation of why he started blogging in the first place…an epiphany at Hooters (hey, if you’re gonna have one, there are worse places it could happen).

We walked in ahead of the lunchtime rush, so we could sit wherever we liked. We stood in the doorway, Bob Seger blaring above our heads that he was workin’ on a night move, and chose the section with the hottest waitress in the joint. As we were taking our seats, she came over to our table: a cute-but-not-beautiful girl in her early 20s. Bleached-blond, fake tan, long legs. Hooters. Her name tag said “Destiny.” She flirted with us as she took our order, all smiles and giggles. We ordered wings. Super Fire Hot, baby.

She stood up, and left to put in our order. Darin and I stared at each other. We still had it, and it felt good.

She’d only walked a few steps, when she stopped suddenly, turned around, and came back to our table. She looked at me, lustily. “Can I ask you something?”

“Oh, hell, yeah, Willie,” I thought to myself, “The ladies still want your sweet action!”

My throat went dry. My face flushed and my pulse quickened.

“Sure,” I croaked.

She screwed up her courage and leaned close to me, her full, pouting lips just inches from mine. Her perfume embraced me. Her ample cleavage seductively longed to bust out from beneath her thin cotton T-shirt. She drew a nervous breath, bit down on the corner of her mouth, and asked, breathlessly,”Didn’t you used to be an actor?”

“WHAT?! USED TO BE?! I STILL AM!” I hollered, as images of a hot Hooters threesome were replaced with images of myself on Celebrity Boxing.

She immediately knew that she made a mistake. She thought quickly, licked her lips, self-consciously fussed with her over-processed hair and tried again:”Oh, I mean, weren’t you an actor when you were a kid?”

All I could do was numbly answer,”Yeah, when I was a kid,” as I hung my head and ordered the first of many pints of Guinness.

Funny story, right? Yeah, funny like when you watch another guy get kicked in the nuts.

In the days that followed, I tried to write it off. Tried to bolster my wounded self-esteem by telling myself that she was just a Hooters waitress, so she didn’t matter.

But the truth was, this simple, scantily clad waitress had driven home with painful acuity my deepest fear: I was a has-been. I “used to be” an actor, when I was a kid. That weekend, my wife was out of town and I found myself in front of my computer, surfing the Internet, playing Diablo II, doing anything I could to get that Hooters waitress out of my mind.

Yes, that’s how badly it hurt me: I was actively trying to get a Hooters waitress out of my mind. While my wife was out of town.

Somewhere in that day, while I was battling the forces of polygonal evil on Battle.Net, I was hit with an inspiration: I would make a website and let the world know that I was still alive and still working.

I know from personal experience that he’s worked since his days on the Enterprise… I hired him in an episode of DIAGNOSIS MURDER and he did a great job.

The Amazing Sperm Race

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Just when you thought reality shows couldn’t get worse… Variety reports that Endemol, the folks behind BIG BROTHER, have two new reality formats they are debuting in Europe.

They’re called SPERM RACE and MAKE ME A MOM. Honest. I’m not making this up…

Endemol has said that despite the obvious shock value of the format titles, the subject matter addresses a serious problem– infertility– in an entertaining and informative manner.

Yep, there’s nothing more entertaining than watching infertile couples try to conceive. I can’t wait to see the CBS version…

Unadulterated Plugs

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MonktitlecardOur episode of MONK, “Mr. Monk and The Godfather,” airs this Friday, July 23 on the USA Network… and while you’re at it, don’t miss the latest episode of MISSING, which airs on Saturdays at 10 pm. on Lifetime.

Dick Wolf is My Hero

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jorja_fox_1Dick Wolf is a hero among many writer-producer-showrunners… and not because he’s a brilliant writer who has created some of the best dramas on television today.

It’s because he isn’t afraid to fire his stars. Ever since he fired the leads of “New York Undercover” when they demanded salary increases and perks, producers have been cheering him. And his willingness to repeatedly recast “Law and Order” has wowed us, too. Wolf has proven that as long as you aren’t doing a single-lead show, it’s the franchise that’s the star, not the actors in it. He empowered producers to do what had been unthinkable and frightening before… booting out your stars.

Wolf’s spirit was being channeled over at the offices of “CSI” this week, when the producers abruptly fired Jorja Fox and George Eads when they didn’t show up for work while demanding salary bumps five years into their seven year contracts.

I hope that put a little chill into the hearts of more than a few series leads in town.

Fan Bigotry

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Space1999_2My dust-ups with the “Save Karina” fans the last couple of days… and a recent invitation to speak on a panel at Comic-Con next month… reminded me of something that happened at a Worldcon many years ago.

At the time, I was a writer for STARLOG, and the editors hosted a panel called “Meet the Starlog Writers,” or something like that. Much to my surprise, quite a few people showed up… though many of them were dressed as Klingons or trying to squeeze into Federation uniforms that were two-sizes too small.

Anyway, there were a lot of inane questions… (“if they did a mirror-universe episode of LOST IN SPACE, what color do you think their uniforms would be?”). Finally, one guy stood up and complained about how inane and stupid the questions were… how could people be some obsessed with such drivel when there were far more interesting and provocative issues to explore.

My ears perked up. Maybe something interesting was finally going to happen…

The guy said “It’s time we confronted the issue of fan bigotry.”

Wow. Fan bigotry. It sounded important. It sounded provocative. Though I had no idea what he was talking about…

The guy went on, “We can’t turn our backs to it any more. We can’t pretend it doesn’t exists. We must deal with the hatred and unfairness shown by Star Trek fans towards Space: 1999 fans once and for all!”

I must admit I broke out laughing…

The poor guy turned bright red, quaking with rage… “This is a SERIOUS issue!”

Of course, that only made it worse.

I wasn’t subscribing to VARIETY at the time, but I bet he took out an ad….