Television

On the DorothyL digest, a mailing list for mystery fans, someone wrote:

Someone said they couldn’t watch Hawaii because they lived there, and someone else said they couldn’t watch CSI because of all the mistakes.

That’s how I feel about medical shows. First, it’s too much like being at work. Second, none of them get it right. That includes ER and especially Diagnosis Murder. I spend too much time yelling at the TV, and don’t enjoy it. I can’t do the “suspension of reality” thing with medical shows. So I gave up watching them, and watch the shows with subject matters that I don’t have a background in.

I hear this complaint a lot… so I decided to reply, and here’s what I said:

It doesn’t bug me that characters on TV can always get a parking space on a busy street, right in front of where they are going… or that buildings identified as “Police Headquarters” or “Community General Hospital” are actually something else in real life…or that a street a character drives down in a chase doesn’t actually intersect with the next street we see the car on… those are simply the realities of creating a fictional reality… of using the “real world” as stage.

As for the medical, legal, and forensic gaffes in shows like Diagnosis Murder, Missing, and Hunter (to name a few shows I’ve been associated with), there are lots of reasons. One, sometimes reality doesn’t work for the demands of telling a compelling, fast-moving story in 46 minutes (do you really want to wait weeks for DNA on “CSI”? Or doesn’t it make more sense for story-telling purposes to get it in 10 seconds?). Two, we aren’t doctors, FBI agents, or cops… nor are we writing/producing documentaries… errors of fact are inevitable. And three, accuracy isn’t our priority… entertainment is. It’s all make-believe anyway. As long as you are entertained, does it really matter? We always make up things that don’t exist in fiction… and sometimes where reality and fiction collide, there are errors. I shrug most of them off.

Last week, I had my first acting role in a half-hour comedy. I got to play…

Lee Goldberg.

That’s right, I had to play me. A complex, compelling character with lots of quirky levels.

The role was part of a TV Land pilot called TV KITSCHEN, starring Martin Mull and Fred Willard. It’s a scripted talkshow (ala FERNWOOD TONIGHT) about TV culture. The pilot was written by Tom Hill and directed by Ted Lange, the bartender from THE LOVE BOAT. I was invited as a “Television Expert” to introduce clips from busted pilots which, if TV KITSCHEN goes, would be a regular feature of the show.

I’ve been on TV before as a guest — talking about my books, or pilots, or whatever series I’m doing — and I’m usually very relaxed and comfortable on camera. But this was the first time I had to learn lines and “act” natural… and do it opposite two comedy legends who like to improvise.

I was probably awful but it was exciting and I had a great time. And Ted Lange told me I’m a natural. Did I mention he was on THE LOVE BOAT? Every actor in television was on that show at one time or another. If Ted doesn’t know raw acting talent when he sees it, who does?

So after much thought, I’ve decided that if Pierce Brosnan really is stepping down as Bond, I’d like to throw my name in for consideration.

From ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY-

The Best TV Shows That Never Were (ABC, TV-PG)
You couldn’t pay me to watch ABC crap like According to Jim (wait a minute, they do pay me to watch that…or at least they used to), but John Denver as a karate-chopping, guitar-strumming FBI agent? I’m in. So in. Denver’s turn in Higher Ground is just one of the failed TV pilots that turn up in this fun and fast-paced special, which also includes Peter Boyle reincarnated as a talking bulldog in something called Poochinski. That’s right, you heard me-Poochinski. B+ (Dalton Ross)

From PEOPLE

Finally airing after two years on ABC’s shelf, this summer special turns a bunch of lemons into refreshing lemonade. Best TV Shows, based on the book Unsold Television Pilots by coexecutive producer Lee Goldberg, is a breezy hour of clips from sample episodes of series that the networks decided against ordering. Not surprisingly, most of them stink- which is why the special is such a good time. You’ll slap your head in disbelief- try not to hurt yourself- at the idea of John Denver as a singing FBI agent. You’ll wonder whether Joe Penny as a samurai district attorney would have been funnier – unintentionally – that John Belushi’s Saturday Night Live. And you’ll think Scott Bakula is pretty down to earth in Star Trek: Enterprise after you see him in a busted pilot as a wacky scientist who accidentally merges with a satellite. For tube-historians, this is a must see. (3 out of 4 stars)

From TV GUIDE:

Actually, most of this cheeky clip-show special consists of appallingly bad scenes from the worst high concept television pilots ever rejected by the networks: Dennis Franz rides a horse in NYPD MOUNTED; Peter Boyle plays a dead cop reincarnated as a dog in POOCHINSKI and John Denver fights — and sings — as an FBI agent in HIGHER GROUND. Although it’s an entertaining hour, you’ll find yourself echoing the refrains “What were they thinking?” and “Look at that stupid thing!” SCORE 7 out of 10.

A woman recently approached me at a signing for my latest DM book and said she hadn’t read them until now because “everybody knows TV tie-ins are crap.” She loved my book, but had to get past her built-in distrust of anything with a TV character’s face on the cover.

What got her to take a chance on my book was the blurbs from authors she trusted and enjoyed…. otherwise, she never would have picked it up. She was stunned that the book wasn’t hack work (she’s also started reading Max Alan Collins’ “CSI” books and is loving them…)

This got me wondering… is her general opinion about TV tie-ins something most people share? Does everybody immediately look at a TV tie-in mystery and think “it’s got to be hack work?” This hasn’t stopped the “Star Trek” novels from becoming huge hits…and an industry unto themselves. But is this a fluke? What do you think? And if you share her opinion, what would it take to get you to give a TV-inspired novel a chance?

My brother Tod recommended Wil Wheaton’s blog to me a while back and I finally got around to reading it (in fact, Tod even wrote a Las Vegas Mercury column about the blog). Wheaton, you may recall, was the kid in STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION… and his blog is surprisingly sharp, witty, and candid. It starts with his explanation of why he started blogging in the first place…an epiphany at Hooters (hey, if you’re gonna have one, there are worse places it could happen).

We walked in ahead of the lunchtime rush, so we could sit wherever we liked. We stood in the doorway, Bob Seger blaring above our heads that he was workin’ on a night move, and chose the section with the hottest waitress in the joint. As we were taking our seats, she came over to our table: a cute-but-not-beautiful girl in her early 20s. Bleached-blond, fake tan, long legs. Hooters. Her name tag said “Destiny.” She flirted with us as she took our order, all smiles and giggles. We ordered wings. Super Fire Hot, baby.

Somewhere in that day, while I was battling the forces of polygonal evil on Battle.Net, I was hit with an inspiration: I would make a website and let the world know that I was still alive and still working.

I know from personal experience that he’s worked since his days on the Enterprise… I hired him in an episode of DIAGNOSIS MURDER and he did a great job.

Just when you thought reality shows couldn’t get worse… Variety reports that Endemol, the folks behind BIG BROTHER, have two new reality formats they are debuting in Europe.

They’re called SPERM RACE and MAKE ME A MOM. Honest. I’m not making this up…

Endemol has said that despite the obvious shock value of the format titles, the subject matter addresses a serious problem– infertility– in an entertaining and informative manner.

Yep, there’s nothing more entertaining than watching infertile couples try to conceive. I can’t wait to see the CBS version…