Me Me Me

Chance Meetings

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I can't go to Costco without running into family, friends, neighbors or people I've worked with. It's like our town center. Today I ran into my brother-in-law and my niece, one of my neighbors, and actor Jeffrey Combs, who I worked with on MARTIAL LAW (and who I bumped into last year at customs at LAX coming back from Europe). We chatted together at my Costco power table and ate our power hot dogs. We discussed the possible SAG strike, the pluses and minuses of working overseas, and the how the TV biz is changing. He's a very nice guy — it's a shame that he's always playing villains. So my quick errand to Costco turned into a two hour trip, but that's okay. I love chance encounters like that. Now I'm sitting in the parking lot at Petco while my wife and daughter look for a sweater for our dog… 

More Me

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Ed Gorman has a Q&A interview with me up on his blog as part of his on-going "Pro Files" series of interviews with published authors. Here's an excerpt:

3. What is the greatest pleasure of a writing career?

It's exactly that — having a writing career. I get paid to sit at my computer and make-believe. People pay me to share my fantasies. It doesn't get any better than that.

4. The greatest DIS-pleasure?

The opportunities for writers in book publishing and episodic TV are shrinking every day. It's a scary time to be a professional writer if you aren't already a bestselling author or an A-list screenwriter/TV showrunner.

5. If you have one piece of advice for the publishing world, what is it?

Pay me more.

Specs Appeal

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I don't have the time to gamble on writing a book on spec right now, so I decided to put together a book proposal instead. In fact, that's how I sold MY GUN HAS BULLETS back in the early 90s to St. Martin's Press. 

I've just  finished writing the sample chapters. It's about 35,000 words and, dramatically speaking,  the narrative equivalent of the first act of a three-act movie. It sets up the characters, the stakes and the obstacles ahead. In other words, everything is set in motion. 

Over the next day or so I'll write up a punchy, broad-strokes outline of the rest of the novel. I don't know if the sample chapters are any good, or if my agent will think that the idea is marketable, or if any publisher in this economy will buy the book, but I am as satisified with it  and pleased with myself for meeting my personal deadline of Dec. 1 to get the package done.

Now I'll set those characters aside (if I can) and concentrate on writing my next MONK book.

Unconvincing As Myself

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Writer Joel Stein was working out at the gym when he was approached by producer Max Mutchnick (of WILL & GRACE) to audition for the starring role in an ABC sitcom pilot. The problem was, Joel wasn't an actor and had never acted before. 

Max insisted I come in, and even though I was well aware that I cannot act, I agreed. As soon as he sent me the script, I started figuring out how to deal with my upcoming money and fame. Within minutes, I pictured myself usurping Max's authority and threatening to leave the show unless they made the writing darker and artsier. This was despite the fact that the script was way better than anything I've ever written, none of which is at all dark and artsy. 

He did the audition but didn't get the part.

The part wound up going to Josh Cooke, who had the advantage of being an actor. And ABC didn't wind up putting it on the air anyway. But I still needed to find out how I did, so I called Max. "You're too cerebral," he said. "You thought about what you were doing. Actors are dumb for a reason. They don't think, they just be. It's like when you make love. You just have to do it." It's as if Max has been secretly talking to my wife.

Stein's story reminded me of the time I also was approached to act in a pilot…though I didn't know at first I was expected to perform in a part.  Let me explain…

Five years ago, a friend of mine at TVLand called me up to say they were doing a talkshow pilot called TV KITSCHEN starring Martin Mull & Fred Willard, who were brilliant in the classic talkshow spoof FERNWOOD 2 NIGHT.  My friend wanted me to be a guest and to talk about one of the worst unsold pilots ever. And if the series went, my "unsold pilot" report would be a regular feature.

It sounded like fun. So I picked a pilot, the horrific TARZAN IN MANHATTAN (Tarzan befriends a cab driver named Jane and teams up with her Dad, a private eye played by Tony Curtis, to fight crime). The idea was that I'd screen some clips and chat about the show with Mull & Willard. I'm pretty comfortable being on camera, and in front of a studio audience, so I wasn't too nervous about it.

Two days before shooting a script arrived at my house…and I discovered that TV KITSCHEN shared more in common with FERNWOOD 2 NIGHT than its two stars and talkshow format.  It was an entirely scripted show, written like a sitcom, and I had dialogue to memorize.  I would be, in effect, playing a character named "Lee Goldberg."  

The problem was that I'm not an actor and I would have to hold my own with Mull & Willard, who are not only professional actors, they are comic geniuses. I was terrified. 

I quickly called up the producer, who convinced me not worry, that it would be fun, and that all I had to do was be myself…as long as I stuck to the script, of course. 

My fear was outweighed by my curiosity. What would it be like to act? Besides, I knew I was perfect for the part. Even if it was a disaster, it would be a memorable experience. So I decided to do it. I spent the next two days running my lines with my wife and my writing staff on MISSING, trying to say them naturally, as if I was me just being me. I was a very unconvincing me. 

The shooting day arrived.  The set looked like the kitchen in a suburban home with a few TVs scattered around it. I was greeted warmly by my friend, the writer/producer, who immediately took me over to the director, Ted Lange, who is best-known for playing the bartender on THE LOVE BOAT. Lange immediately decided I was dressed all wrong for the part and sent me to wardrobe, where they tried to make me look like a college professor. I suggested that a cardigan sweater might be a cliche and that it wasn't something I felt that Lee Goldberg would wear. We had a short discussion about the Lee Goldberg character and I won the cardigan battle. 

I was then sent to make-up, where I met Fred Willard, who I'd met before when he did a guest-shot for me on DIAGNOSIS MURDER. Much to my surprise, he remembered me and the episode and we had a very nice chat. He also told me not to be nervous because he and Mull weren't going to stick to the script anyway.

I spent the next several hours sitting in the bleachers (the studio audience, really a bunch of hired "extras," had already left after recording their reactions, applause and laughter) watching them shoot. Each time Mull & Willard deviated from the script, Lange made them do it again, as written. As a writer, I appreciated it. But as an objective third party, it was obvious that the improv stuff was much better than what was on the page and played more naturally, too. And Mull clearly knew it. His discussions with Lange were getting more and more tense. Don't get me wrong, Mull was polite and professional, but his anger and frustration were clear.

Then it came time for my scene. We did a rehearsal, where I was stilted, awkward, and horrible. At least, I felt that I was. Lange had no notes on my "performance," just instructions regarding blocking  (where I would be and when and where the cameras would be). Mull & Willard were very nice. While they lit everything, I chatted with Mull & Willard, who expressed to me their frustration with the script, and then we discussed unsold pilots that they had done, FERNWOOD 2 NIGHT and other stuff.

When it came time to shoot, I felt much more relaxed with them and the scene played much better (from my POV) than I thought it would. And I know it was because of the chat we had. Our "fictional" conversation became an extension of the one we were having off-camera. They put me completely at ease. I've often wondered if they did that on purpose or if things just worked out that way.

I saw the pilot a few weeks later and didn't cringe with embarrassment when I saw myself. I wasn't great, but I wasn't awful, either. I would have preferred to be myself rather than play myself, but all things considered, the bit played okay. 

But the pilot didn't get picked up and with it the likelihood of me developing a cult following and my own wildly successful LEE GOLDBERG SHOW spin-off died as well. 

Oh well.

I Am Developing a Very Intimate Relationship with my Keyboard

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Sorry I have been largely absent from the blog this week…I've been concentrating most of my energy on researching my next MONK book and writing the "sample" chapters of a stand-alone crime novel. 

My goal is to give my agent a good, representative chunk of the standalone book — about 25-30,000 words — and a breezy outline of the rest after Thanksgiving so she can shop it around while I work on my next MONK (that's assuming that she thinks the spec chapters and the premise of the standalone are any good).

I've had a couple of pilot pitches over the last two weeks — neither of which panned out. But in both cases I met with executives who were new to me, so I see the experiences as a plus. It's always good to make new contacts. 

Speaking of which, I attended a seminar on Tuesday night sponsored by MediaXChange and CapGemini that explored the future of TV drama. Attendees included studio execs, showrunners, broadcasters, media consultants, and web pioneers. It was a very thought-provoking evening that I enjoyed a great deal. They also circulated an interesting report on the Future of Television that you can download here.

My First Time

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You can watch the SPENSER: FOR HIRE episode "If You Knew Sammy," the first produced teleplay by me & William Rabkin, here. It's absolutely free and features future movie star William H. Macy in a supporting role, which he would reprise in our sequel episode, "Play it Again, Sammy" (which was a back-door pilot).

Memory Lane

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Tonight I went to a cocktail party and screening at the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences to celebrate the Archive of American Television's DVD release of the classic series STUDIO ONE. The boxed set contains 17 episodes, including the original, TV production of "Twelve Angry Men," which was long thought to be lost until a rare kinescope turned up recently in the estate of a deceased trial lawyer who collected books, movies and ephemera about the law. So much our priceless TV history has been lost through carelessness and stupidity, but that's another story…

You never know who you are going to bump into at these events and, for me, this one became an unexpected opportunity to revisit the start of my career in television. I ran into Bruce Bilson, who directed the first script Bill Rabkin & I ever had produced, an episode of SPENSER FOR HIRE. We chatted for a bit, and then I spotted Leonard Stern walking across the room. He was one of the executive producers of MURPHY'S LAW, a short-lived series starring George Segal that was our first staff job. I was pleased and flattered that Stern not only remembered me and Bill, but also my book "Unsold Television Pilots" (Stern, in addition to being a legendary writer/producer, is also a publisher, one of the partners behind Price Stern Sloan and now Tallfellow Press).

Jack Klugman, a veteran of many live TV productions, was also at the cocktail party (he was there to speak on a panel after the screening). I said hello, reminded him who I was, and thanked him again for guest-starring in one of our best DIAGNOSIS MURDER episodes, "Voices Carry." I liked the episode and his performance in it so much, that I ended up writing a prequel — the novel "Diagnosis Murder: The Past Tense," which became the most widely acclaimed of the eight novels in the series.  I told him that, too.  He seemed flattered, or maybe he was just being polite.

For a TV nut like me, being able to go to events like this is one of the great things about living in Los Angeles.

Do I Have A Sign Around My Neck that Reads “Ask Me an Incredibly Stupid Question?”

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Five hundred people, mostly women, showed up to see fifty male mystery authors at the 9th annual Men of Mystery luncheon and booksigning in Irvine today. During the autograph session, I was sitting at a table signing books with Thomas Greanias and my brother Tod when a guy came up to me to ask a question…

"My wife read a Monk book you wrote, I don't know which one, but he was wearing a raincoat."

"Okay,"  I said.

"She thought it was terrible.  Have you written a Monk book that's good?"

"And she thinks your brother is fat and that you're stupid," Tod said to me.

I laughed. The guy looked at Tod. "I don't understand."

"You just came over here and told Lee that your wife hated his book."

The guy looked at Tod with a bewildered expression on his face. "That's why I want to know which one is good." He looked at me. "Can you recommend one?"

"What didn't she like about the book?" I asked.

"She said it was very, very dark."

"My Monk book," I said.

"Yes," he said. "The one with the raincoat."

"Oh, that must be the Monk book I wrote about pedophilia," I said.

To be honest, I forgot what was said after that though I remember that my brother was busy typing on his Blackberry, giggling to himself as he updated his Facebook page with the conversation.

Later, at the end-of-the-day signing, a woman came up to me and asked:

"Did Dick Van Dyke have any medical training?"

"No," I said.

"Then how was he able to play a doctor on TV?"

"He was acting," I said.

"You can do that?"

"Tobey Maguire wasn't bitten by a spider and imbued with super powers and he was able to play Spiderman."

She shook her head in astonishment. ""Weren't you worried about getting sued by people? What if they followed his advice and got killed?"

"Then they were too dumb to live," I said. "Natural selection."

She walked away. I think she was insulted.

Finally, at the cocktail reception for the authors, a woman standing beside me said hello.

"I'm Carole," she tugged at the name tag on her chest. "Want an excuse to stare at my boobs?"

"Do I need one?" I asked.

"It helps," she said.

"I'm a happily married man," I said. "The only boobs I'm allowed to stare at are my wife's."

I walked away and immediately told the story to Col. Bob Levinson and Alan Jacobson and pointed the woman out to them. I'm not sure, but I think Bob rushed over there for a look.

Beached 4

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PA230004 (2)The sun was out today in Myrtle Beach, where  I am speaking at the South Carolina Writer's Conference. I had some interesting encounters today…in the elevator, a woman said  to me:

"How much of your books does Tony Shalhoub write?"

"He doesn't write any of part of them," I replied.

"Then why is his face on the cover?"

"Because  he plays Adrian Monk on the TV show."

She narrowed her eyes at me. "Don't you think that's deceiving readers?"

Another woman came up to me later in the day and said "Your books are very funny. Why aren't you as funny in person?"

Before my screenwriting seminar, a woman approached me and said "I'd like to attend your class but there's a more interesting one  at the same time."

Other than those comments, it has been a great day…a long one, and tiring, but a lot of fun anyway. And I had the pleasure of signing with my friend Michael Connelly and introducing him as our keynote speaker. He was an engaging, self-effacing, and inspirational speaker, as always.

Tomorrow I have  two more classes/seminars and then I take a late flight back to Los Angeles. 

Beached 3

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This was the first day of the South Carolina Writer's Conference and I was kept pretty busy. I managed to sneak in a long walk on the beach before the rains came (which have lasted all day and into the night) and my three-hour  "Breaking Into TV Writing" seminar.   I had a great class of aspiring writers and don't have a single stupid question to share with you — though one guy did walk out when I told him I wasn't interested in reading his scripts or his novel-in-progress. I am constantly surprised by how many people read this blog — three people came up and chatted with me about posts they enjoyed or things that they've learned. One woman thanked me for steering her away from making a very expensive mistake with a vanity press. She was so anxious to get her novel published and the vanity press seemed like an attractive short cut to her — but then she realized it was her desperation talking and not her good sense. It made me feel really good to know I saved at least one person from those scammers.