My Family

The Best 25 List Yet…

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…comes from my brother Tod. It's "25 Random Things I Hate About F**ktards On Facebook I Don't Know In The Least But Who, Nonetheless, Are My 'Friends.'" Here are some of my laugh-out-loud favorites:

4. I hate that I know you just got home from work and are having a Lean Cuisine and watching your VHS collection of Benson reruns.

8. I hate that you have been stalking my sisters Linda and Karen and now suddenly figure out that even though they won't speak to you, it might be neat to become friends with me, and my brother, and my mother, and my cousin Mike, and my cousin Danny, and my uncle Burl, and my wife Wendy. And none of us know who the f**k you are. And so we email each other and say, "Who the f**k is Irene?" And we all agree that we don't know. And then we agree, after reading your profile, that you need mental help and need to scrapbook a whole lot f**king less than you do. 

24. I hate you, you dumb motherf**ker, who sent my agent a book and said that you were my friend and when she asked me, "Is this person your friend?" I said, "Uh, not that I know of." And then I got a wild idea and looked on facebook and there you were.

Mysterical-E is Tied In

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Gerald So's column at Mysterical-E today is an appreciation of media tie-ins. He writes, in part:

A common misconception is that tie-ins are poorly or quickly
written, and while some have seemed that way to me, as my reading
tastes have matured, I've been able to choose better-written material.
What makes me personally pick up a tie-in novel or comic book these
days? The author has to have some experience writing for the original
medium and the new one, as Monk novelist Lee Goldberg has with USA
Network's Monk. Because Goldberg has written for the show, and because
he is a novelist in his own right, he's well suited to bring Monk to
the page.

[…]In
some ways, tie-in writing is more difficult than creating characters
and a story from scratch. Tie-in writers have to deliver the best of
both worlds: what the existing fan base enjoys about the original
concept and what the new fan base expects from the new concept. For
example, Tod Goldberg's first tie-in, Burn Notice: The Fix
delivered the wry spycraft from the TV show but also delivered an
intricate plot better suited to a novel than to TV's usual 44 minutes.

Thanks, Gerald!

I Should Be Appointed Secretary of State Because My Mom Had Her Picture Taken With Gerald Ford

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You know how much I like to trash publishing scams. Well, now my brother Tod is jumping into the fray with an expose of BK Nelson Literary Agency and their, um, "qualifications":

I can't think of a better reason to sign with BK Nelson other than she was associated with a law firm that, uh, had a partner whose daughter married Paul McCartney. If anyone can think of a stranger biographical note in an agent's bio, please, forward it to me. It's pretty much the equivalent of me saying you should buy my books because I once worked at a staffing service that sent temps to Disney (which was founded by Walt Disney).

My Quotable Family

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Coming from a family chock full of writers and journalists means we all know how to give a good quote to a reporter. My Uncle Stan Barer, a University of Washington regent, was asked by the Seattle Post Intelligencer to comment on the severe funding cutbacks the university is facing from the state.

"We take better care of our prisoners than of our students," UW Regent Stanley Barer said Thursday. "Maybe we ought to have prisoners stay here at night so that we can get the money."

Dreams Coming True

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Illustrating Stories has posted an interview with my sister Linda Woods, who shares a frequent lament I hear from writers…

"The challenge for me is balancing the business side of my career with the creative side. There doesn't seem to be enough time to ever get caught up!" 

On the other hand, like many writers I know, she also talks about how lucky she is to be doing what she loves.

"I'm really fortunate that a lot of my creative dreams have come true already. There have been many moments in my career when I have thought OK, I CAN DIE NOW! "

That has been so true for me and for my brother Tod, with whom I've enjoyed many of those "dream come true moments"  chatting together with one of our literary idols. I'm so glad that it's happening for Linda, too.

Book Worming

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My brother Tod does an amazing impersonation of KCRW's Bookworm host Michael Silverblatt. His impersonati0n is SO good, it's even amazing in print:

Silverblatt: Tod, I am struck by the power in
your prose, the way words tumble from the page like mercury, like
Jupiter, like Pluto, once a planet, but no more a planet, now just a
bit of stardust, like your words, floating, inexorably, through, time.
And yet, I find that your words are also like play-dough, in that when
I eat them I find them at first…salty…yet…plain…and I found
myself yearning for…bite…verve…only found in the works of people
like Rilke, like Rick Springfield, whose girl, while Jessie's, was, in
fact, no longer, like Pluto. Yes?

Me: I'm just happy to be on the show, Mike.

His account of his trip to the Vegas Valley Book Festival is pretty funny, too.

Lee & Tod at Barnes & Noble

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My brother Tod and I signed our new books (MR. MONK GOES TO GERMANY and BURN NOTICE: THE FIX) at Barnes & Noble in Calabasas today. It will be our last event together until Men of Mystery in November. I'll let Tod tell you about the Really Stupid Conversation he had with an aspiring author…I have no doubt at all that he will be blogging about it in excruciating, and hilarious, detail. I practically bit through my tongue so I wouldn't laugh.

The store is a block from my house, so a lot of my neighbors showed up, which was nice, and so did actor Matt Kaminsky (who I have killed once on DIAGNOSIS MURDER and once on MARTIAL LAW), TV writer and blogger Lisa Klink, B&N's  West Coast Regional Community Relations Director Jan Lindstrom (who treated me to a lovely lunch), KTLA's Stephanie Edwards, and my sister Linda, who took this picture (I don't know what looks worse, letting my bad arm hang at my side or hiding it behind my back, where it looks like I am scratching my ass. If I was smart, I would have just put my hand in my pocket).

We sold a bunch of books but there are still plenty of signed copies on hand if your travels take you to Calabasas, or if you are one of the TMZ or tabloid photographers who hang out in the parking lot 24/7 waiting for Jessica Simpson, Pamela Anderson, Jennifer Aniston, Adam Sandler, Angelina Jolie, or any of the other stars who shop at The Commons.

Expanding Literacy through Narcissism

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The front page of this Sunday's Los Angeles Times Calendar section features a big essay by my brother Tod discussing his experience writing BURN NOTICE: THE FIX and his research into the business of tie-in writing. I was approached to write the novels, but I declined and recommended Tod, who I knew was perfect for the job:

My brother was right: I was the perfect person. The only problem was my
advanced sense of artistic self. I had long, twisting conversations
with my agent, my wife and the kid who makes my sandwiches at Quiznos
about the literary equity I'd accrued, about how writing a tie-in might
somehow sully my career and other topics concerning my navel. My agent
told me to take a deep breath, get lucid and call her back after I did
some research…

So he did. Read his very funny article and find out what he learned.

UPDATE 8-25-2008: Tod's article got a surprisingly unsnarky mention on GAWKER, some love on TV Squad and some attention from Publisher's Weekly's Book Maven.

UPDATE 8-26-2008: TV Squad also gave Tod's book a rave review.