Dick Van Dyke’s Address

I got this email today:

I’m a HUGE fan of Dick VanDyke’s and would like his home address so that I can send him a letter and maybe a Christmas card each year. I also would like to send him a picture of my son, who is also named Dick and ask him some questions about what it was like doing The Dick Van Dyke Show and Diagnosis Murder. If you could give me his address itwould be great and it could be just betwen us.

And I got this email today, too:

I know you have probably gotten tons of requests about this, but….I have
been searching and searching the internet looking for Dick Van Dyke’s address
and have not been successful. I was wondering if you had it orknew where I could
get it? I would really appreciate any help! Thanks!

You’re right, I do get asked this a lot, twice in one day, in fact. But I don’t mind. Here’s my answer to you both. Not only do I have Dick’s home address and phone number, but I also have his cell phone number. I can also tell you how to reach his son, his grandson, his daughter, and his son-in-law. I think I may even have his wife’s cell phone number as well. I will be glad to pass them along to you, along with his driver’s license and social security numbers. If there is any other way I can help you invade the privacy of this legendary entertainer, please don’t hesitate to ask. Oh, I also have the home addresses and phone numbers of the regular cast
and all the guest stars who appeared on DIAGNOSIS MURDER, as well as information on how to reach the stars of  all the other
shows I have done. If you would like those, too, just let me know and I’ll get them to you right away. I’m sure the actors wouldn’t mind…

…or you could write to Dick in care of the William Morris Agency, which represents him.

What the Heck Is She Talking About??

I got this email today…

Are you the director of one on one? If so reply to XYZ  my email adress because I have good ideas, and if I gave you these ideas I would want be on the show. If so I would need you to send me 4 tickets to one on one, I think in California. And I would be on the new season in summer. If you write back you can send the questions and I will fill them and I’m asking you to take me very seriously. I really want this and need this. I know I could make the show even better than it is. And if your not the director and you know him or her  please send this to him or her. I know your a very inportant man so please take the time to read this and help me out.

I have no idea who this woman is confusing me with or what the show is
that she is talking about. But I thought the note would amuse you…

 

Sandra Brown says No to Fanfic

I posted this back in January, but since Holly Lisle has been taking some flack from fanficcers for her stance against fanfiction, it’s worth posting again…

Bestselling author Sandra Brown  doesn’t like fanfic based on her work and wants her fans to help her find it.  She posts this note on her site.

A Word About "Fan Fiction"

We post excerpts from some of Sandra’s more recent books so that you, the
reader, can make more informed purchasing decisions.  We now ask that you
  help us in return.  Fan Fiction is illegal.  Taking characters from an
  author’s work and adapting stories
around them constitutes copyright infringement. 

If you discover "Fan Fiction" of Mrs. Brown’s work, please don’t
hesitate to email us.

How Hated Am I?

I got this email today:

Do you realize that EVERYBODY in fandom hates your fucking guts you asshole?

I think it was from my Mom, but I’m going to answer it anyway. No, I had no idea. So, for fun, I thought I’d take a look at what some people are saying. Here’s a sampling:

From Jocelyn’s Other Desk:

Thy lips rot off, Lee Goldberg!  Thou jarring, fat-kidneyed scullian!  You speak an infinite deal of nothing!  […] Goldbergs one and all, thine sole name blisters our tongues.  Thou hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs.

From Nobody Knows Anything Blog:

I understand the impulse to write and read fanfic—you want to live in
this wonderful world as much as you can, and twenty-four hours a year
or one book every two years or whatever just isn’t cutting it for you.
There are several novel series that I am forever hoping will just happen to have a new installment at the bookstore every time I check. But
fanfic is like a steak dinner made out of meringue—might look the real
thing, but it’s not really going to fill you up.

From Dawn Rivers Baker’s Blog:

You know, it’s all very well to nitpick about the legal shimmies and shakes of fanfic,
but the legal stuff doesn’t cover what it must be like for the author
who feels violated by other people dipping their fingers into the
author’s creation. All you really have to do to "get" the author’s perspective is to ask a victim how it feels to have just been raped.

From Nick Mamatas:

Mystery writer and TV producer Lee Goldberg picks up a stick and whacks a hornet’s nest by taking on fanfic.
I have no dog in the fight; after all, what can I say? NOBODY had
better RIP-OFF my ORiGINAL CHARACTERS like … uh … Jack Kerouac and uhm Cthulhu and William S. Burroughs and and and…
However, I do like a good brawl, especially when everyone is so
obviously speaking past one another. "It’s illegal!" "It’s a hobby!"
"It’s illegal!" "It’s a hobby!" Haven’t these people ever heard of an
illegal hobby before? They sure seem to be acting like they run their
neighborhood meth labs.

Read more

Tod on Walter Scott

The best reason to read my brother Tod’s blog is his hilarious weekly dissection of Walter Scott’s Personality Parade column. I open the Parade magazine that comes bundled with my LA Times each Sunday trying to guess which stupid questions and inane answers are going to become the topic of Tod’s blog post. This week’s column was tough to guess, because it was a goldmine of inanity. You can see the questions that Tod tackled here. I knew he’d pick the Desperate Housewives question, but I was surprised he let this question-and-answer go:

I was surprised that Kenny Chesney was at the Academy of Country Music Awards without his new bride, Renee Zellweger. Where was she? Stella Wilson, Charlotte N.C.

The pair prefer to say out of each other’s spotlight, so Zellweger,36, was not in the audience last month in Las Vegas when Chesney, 37, was named Entertainer of the Year. (Our sources say she was at the hotel next door, but Kenny’s rep would only tell us "Renee was busy elsewhere"). The actress did attend a party afterward with her hubby.

Care to correct the oversight, Tod? 

Do I Read Everything?

I got this email today:

I’ve written several comments on your blog and you’ve never responded to any of them. Do you read all the comments on your blog?

Sadly, no. If a post gets five or six c0mments, I might read them all. But in general, I usually browse the comments on a blog entry of mine for the first day or two after I post it and then I move on. It would take way, way too much of my time to keep up on all the comments posted on all my blog entries… especially when the numbers of comments on the fanfic posts can number in the 100s (there have been 5308 comments posted on my blog in the last 14 months).  Besides, the blog comments often spin off into other topics or become personal squabbles between anonymous strangers who have nothing to do with me.

Holly Lisle Says No to Fanfic

Novelist Holly Lisle promises to prosecute anybody who circulates  fanfic based on her work because "fanfic writers demonstrate not just blatant disregard for, but
active antagonism toward, the wishes of individual authors on this
issue."

UPDATE (6-24-05) Holly posted this as a comment on another blog entry:

"Ten years ago, I was, if not wildly supportive of the idea of
fanfic, at least tolerant of it. A few fans asked if they could write
fanfic using my characters, I told them they could as long as they
understood that they could not publish it and that I owned all rights
to the characters, and that under no circumstances would I be willing
to read what they’d written.

Times changed, associates started having to take legal action
against people who were writing in their worlds without permission, and
I asked my fans to please discontinue writing fanfiction in my worlds.
Which they did.

There were some fanfic writers posting in these threads who said
they would respect the wishes of authors who stated clearly that they
didn’t want fanfic written around their characters or worlds.

So obviously there are still some decent people like my fans who are
writing fanfic, and I feel badly about having to post a harsh notice
informing all fanfic writers that under no circumstances will I condone
any fanfic set in my worlds, and that any such writing that IS done
will be treated as derivative work and prosecuted.

Looking at the quality of people posting here, however — people who
are actively hostile toward the creators of the original work, who hold
the rights of the original creators in complete disregard, and who
state that they don’t care whether the original creators want them
writing in their worlds or not — that they intend to do what they want
until someone forces them to stop — I’m confident that the posting of
my notice is necessary.

As for taking heat from the people who have chosen to use my
statements as an opportunity to vilify me — ah, well. They’ve also
done a pretty good job of disseminating my wishing across a number of
sites and boards, thus decreasing the chances that someone writing
fanfic in one of my worlds could claim ignorance of my clearly worded
hands-off post.

So, to all of you who have been spreading the word for me, my deepest thanks."

Novik Chimes In

Naomi Novik, one of the two "pro-fanfic" guests on OPEN SOURCE, comments on the radio show and the discussion here on her blog.
To give you a sense of the bizarre logic behind her arguments, she believes
that writing reference books about television (like my book UNSOLD
TELEVISION PILOTS)  is no different than fanfic.

And the books in the last category profit off the creations of others
*without* authorization — because legally you don’t need to have
authorization to report facts. So in the venn diagram of ‘borrowing
characters to write fiction’ and ‘use without authorization’, where
fanfic writers are in the intersection, he’s got one foot in either
camp even while he’s going after the people in the middle.

Need I say more? Okay, a little more. Here’s how she feels about authors who object to fanfic about their work:

I realized after posting, that the joking remark above might seem to
imply an insult any author who does object to fanfic. Not my intention
— I do understand individual authors who feel strongly that they don’t
want fanfic on their own work out there. If an author feels an intense
negative reaction to fanfic on her work, that is a completely valid
feeling. I don’t think that it obliges people to respect that feeling,
but it’s not ridiculous, it’s how she feels, and I personally do
respect that reaction out of courtesy.

Courtesy?? What
courtesy? She isn’t showing authors any courtesy at all. She "respects
the reaction," but not the author.  Her attitude is basically this:
Fuck JK Rowling if she doesn’t like stories about Harry using his magic
wand to have sex with everybody at Hogwarts.  Anything she writes
belongs to me to use however I see fit.

Her arrogance and stupidity is mind-boggling. Between her, and the
guy who made the "We more emotionally attached" comment
, I think you
get a pretty accurate picture of the fanfic community and how they
think. Scary, isn’t it?

(I was amused, though, but her inadvertent acknowledgement of the central hypocrisy of fanficcers. If someday fanfic is written based on one of her
novel, she won’t read..

  …any of the fanfic anyway (just not worth the
potential legal headaches), so what difference does it make to me?

That statement says so much. Fanficcers see absolutely nothing wrong with stealing the work of other writers, even if it the author of the work is opposed to it, but
would sue any novelist or TV producer they think may have stolen something from their
fanfic.  Their work should be protected, it’s everybody else’s that up for grabs…)

The Difference Between Tie-Ins and Fanfic

In a comment to my post "What Stupid About It, someone asked what the difference is between someone who writes tie-ins and someone who writes fanfic… beyond the fact that tie-ins are written with the consent of the author/right’s holder.

There’s a big difference.

I was hired to write DIAGNOSIS MURDER and MONK novels. It’s something I am being paid to do. It’s not like I woke up one morning with a burning desire to write DIAGNOSIS MURDER novels, wrote one up, and sent it off to a publisher (or, as a fanficcer would do, posted it on the web).  The publisher came to me and asked me to write them. 

I would never write a book using someone else’s characters unless I was hired to do so. It would never even occur to me because the characters aren’t mine

Given a choice, I would only write novels and TV shows of my own creation. But I have to make a living and I take the work that comes my way…and that includes writing-for-hire, whether it’s on someone else’s TV show or original tie-in novels based on characters I didn’t create. Ultimately, however, what motivates me as a writer is to express myself…not the work of someone else.

That’s the big difference between me and a fanficcer.

Given a choice, fanficcers "write" fanfic. 

More Books on UNSOLD PILOTS?

I got this email today:

I am a television trivia addict from Sydney Australia and a couple years ago I ordered copies of your books Unsold TV Pilots  55 – 76 & Unsold TV Pilots 77 – 89.I thoroughly enjoyed them and read them both from  cover to cover and then read them again. I was wondering when i can expect a third (and  maybe fourth edition) covering the Unsold Pilots from seasons 90 – 05.

I’m glad you enjoyed the books and I appreciate the kind words. I don’t intend to do another volume…nowadays, information on pilots is readily available on a number of industry databases (TVTracker.com is one). Besides, I’m
just too busy!

That said, I still casually collect the data just in case I ever do another Unsold Pilots TV special (I’ve written and produced two over the years —  THE BEST TV SHOWS THAT NEVER WERE last season for ABC and THE GREATEST SHOWS YOU NEVER SAW for CBS).