Lee Goldberg

The Darkest Depths of Man

by

I had to go in to see a doctor for a flexible sigmoidoscopy. For those of you who don’t know what that means, a doctor shoves a tube up your butt and takes a sightseeing tour of your colon.  This probably qualifies as "more about me than you ever wanted to know," but if not, read on.

The doctor who performed this thrilling task was a strikingly beautiful young woman…which made me even more uncomfortable than the exam itself. I would have preferred if my doctor was a man…or if  she looked like the rectum she was examining.

Here’s my question to you: what difference did it make? I’m a very happily married man and would never stray… so I’m definitely not on the make (and even if I was, the offices of a colon & rectum specialist isn’t really the hottest pick-up spot in town. "Hey, baby, now that you’ve seen my rectum, want to go out some time?" or "This has been fun. What do you say you pull that garden hose out of my butt and lets go to dinner?").  So why was I more uncomfortable with an attractive woman doing the exam
than I would have been with a man or an atrociously ugly woman?

(And why do I have a feeling of deja vu with this post? Have I asked this question before? Or is this a question my bowel-movement obsessed brother has asked on his blog or his old newspaper column?)

Staffing Season

by

I received this email today:

Lee – as a fringe writer (some low rent success –
but definitely not made) and an avid reader of Successful Television Writing, a question…
When DOES staffing season officially kick off.
I’m always hearing about the "Start of Staffing Season" and you mention it in STW, but I’ve never seen a time when this is  actually going… Late April?

This is how I replied:

It’s not really a staffing "season," more like a couple of staffing "weeks."

The networks announce their fall schedules — the new shows they are picking up and the old shows they are either renewing or cancelling — in late May.  Staffing the new shows, and some positions on returning series, begins almost immediately (though some confident, or at least extremely optimistic, pilot producers actually start taking "get to know you" meetings with potential staffers in early May, before they know whether or not their shows will get picked up).

 
Because most series begin shooting episodes in early July, the staffing season is a very narrow window of opportunity, just about four or five weeks.  If you don’t land a job during those short, competitive, anxiety-filled weeks, odds are you will be sitting out the season (though you may get a freelance gig or a pilot).  That said, there’s another staffing with that opens up a crack around August, when it’s clear that some showrunners and staffers aren’t cut out for their jobs and a quick change needs to be made… and then the window opens a bit again around Thanksgiving, when producers may look to make staff changes for "the back nine" if it looks likely their shows will get a full season pick-up.

 

LitNazi Questionnaire

by

On his blog, my brother Tod fills out the questionnaire the Citizens For Literary Standards are sending to candidates for the Blue Valley School Board in Overland Park, KS. His answers to their  self-serving questions makes for good reading… which, of course, means it would be banned if these "citizens" had their way.

The Citizens for Literary Standards, you may recall,  seek to "inform parents and the community about poor quality literature and vulgar subject matter (profanity, sex, occultism) in  graded reading assignments."  Books these LitNazis want to ban from high school include such "poor quality literature"  as ALL THE PRETTY HORSES, ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST, BELOVED, LORDS OF DISCIPLINE, CATCHER IN THE RYE, OF MICE AND MEN,  and I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS.

It makes sense to me. As we all know, reading CATCHER IN THE RYE has turned generations of Americans into Satan-worshipping, drug-addicted, sociopathic liberals. 

 

USC or NYU?

by

I got this email today:

Dear Lee,

You are one of the rare few to have both a successful television career and an accessible email address. I am an almost out of high school  eighteen-year-old to pursue a career in TV.
Next year, I will enroll in the screenwriting program at either USC or NYU. I’ve gotten tons of  advice from guidance counselors, family members — even a chatty, slightly overzealous cab driver. I wanted to ascertain whether you believe one school has a significant advantage over the other. I’m inclined to stay on the east  coast for a few years before I make the move to LA, for what I assume will be  the majority of my working life. And I tell myself that a solid spec and good people skills are what really matter. But then I read those oh-so-persuasive articles about the SoCal-educated Josh Schwartz wunderkinds of TV. The ones who sell scripts right out of college, and are helming their own shows before they can get rental cars. And it seems they always throw in a “thanks to those Trojans!” shout out. So, If you can offer any advice, I’d really appreciate it. That cabbie made a damn good U-turn, but I’m not sure he knew a  ton about scripted television.

Here’s how I replied:

If you want to pursue a career in TV writing & producing, you should go to USC… but not because their screenwriting program is any better than the one at NYU.  It’s about proximity. Even though lots of shows are filmed in NY, the TV business is in LA.  If you want to be in this business, you’ve got to be here. Simple as that.

Here’s why:  your diploma isn’t going to get you any work.  A diploma, in the TV writing biz, means nothing. What counts? Talent, skill, personality and luck….but even that isn’t enough. You also need  connections and
opportunities, both of which are more likely to come your way here…where the TV industry is based.

That’s why I went to UCLA rather than other schools.  But most of what I learned wasn’t in the classroom. For one thing, I didn’t study screenwriting… I got an equally useless degree in Communications, so I could get a job in P.R. or advertising or reporting if I failed as a writer.

The real classroom, for me, was L.A. itself.  Because the people who write, produce, and buy TV shows are here, you
have many more chances to hear from them and meet them and learn from
them. TV writers and producers are speaking at seminars all over town. So are network and studio execs.  Not a week goes by where some experienced writer/producer isn’t sharing the secrets of his craft to the public somewhere in the city. There are regular seminars all the time at places like  UCLA, WGA, ATAS, USC, The Museum of Broadcasting, AFI, even the local Barnes & Noble (where they often have Screenwriting groups that meet and invite guests… I know, becuase I’ve spoken to a few of them). These programs are either free or  cheaper than a bargain matinee. 

Equally important are the people you meet in the audience at these seminars…many of whom have the same aspirations as you. Odds are you’ll make some friends… some of whom are likely to become writer/producers  or agents or industry execs some day…and will form your inner circle of connections in the biz. It happened to me that way. A lot of the people I work with today are people I sat with at Museum of Broadcasting seminars or in line for tapings of TAXI and SOAP (Oh God, I’m dating myself!)

The Industry, and valuable information about it, also permeate the media
here. There are  weekly programs and regular commentaries about the Industry
on our local NPR stations. Industry news and interviews with writers also get much bigger play in
the Los Angeles Times, LA Weekly, Los Angeles Magazine and other local
media than anywhere else in the country. Why? Because, as I may
have mentioned six or seven times already, the TV industry is here…in L.A, not NY.

So my advice? Buy a copy of SUCCESSFUL TELEVISION WRITING at your local bookstore, get a subscription to DAILY VARIETY, and start looking for student housing at USC.

A Day in The Life

by

I’m in a strange place right now…

I finished my last Diagnosis Murder novel and delivered it to my editor a few weeks ago.  Bill Rabkin and I just turned in a pitch to a network for a TV movie we’re up to write. It’s still a few weeks away from staffing season, so there’s no episodic TV work right now. And I delivered my story to my editor for the next (the seventh!) Diagnosis Murder novel…so I’m awaiting formal go-ahead before I start the detailed plotting and actual writing.

So, in other words,  I don’t have a hell of a lot to do.  I’m in a holding pattern until I hear from the network on the M.O.W., or my editor on the book, or staffing season begins and we start going to meetings.

As is typical at times like this, I’m antsy. I cleaned up my office, did some filing, paid my bills, organized my bookshelves, put labels on my home-recorded DVDs. I got my cars serviced, I scheduled repairs around the house, and I even fixed myself up… going in for long overdue appointments with my doctor and my dentist for annual checkups (which I haven’t had in years, so I guess I’m using the term "annual" very loosely).

I feel good about taking care of things that I’ve overlooked for the last two years of non-stop writing activity but, at the same time, I’m not quite myself. I’m eager to start writing something else…even though I’ve been looking forward for so long to time off, especially with the 12 months I’ve had (two broken arms, two surgeries, 18 episodes to write/develop, one death in the family, three novels to write, etc.).

We’re heading out on a family road trip for my daughter’s March vacation, driving to the Grand Canyon and Sante Fe, and that will be fun, but until then…

…why can’t I just curl up in a chair with a good book, relax, and enjoy the peace? God knows I have plenty of books to read!

Frankenstein & Ally

by

Frankensteinandally_1Tomorrow, I’ll be signing "Diagnosis Murder: The Waking Nightmare" at Mysteries to Die For in Thousand Oaks, CA with that famous author, Madison Goldberg, who is touring to support her new bestseller, "Frankenstein & Ally and other Scary Stories." She’ll also be signing copies of her previous blockbustersRobotfighting_1 "The Adventures of Kitty Wonder:  Robot Fighting" and Lotsofkilling"Adventures of Kitty Wonder: Lots of Killing."  In addition to writing thrilling stories, she’s the artist behind her provocative covers (click on the pictures for larger images). I’m obviously riding on her pigtails…

The Birds and The Bees

by

My daughter finally asked us The Big Question…. where do babies come from… though not in so many words. More like in so many questions.

She started one afternoon last week when she was alone with my wife.

"I know babies grow in a Mommy’s tummy," Maddie said.  "But how does it get there?"

My wife gave her a very romantic version, about how a man and a woman fall in love, and get married, and from their love comes a child. Maddie wasn’t satisfied with the Hallmark card approach.

"So what does the Dad do?" Maddie asked. "Give the Mommy a special pill?"

"No," my wife said, and explained that the man has the seed and the woman has the egg in her tummy. The man gives the seed to the woman and fertilizes the egg, which grows into a baby.

"How does he do that?"

"With his penis," my wife said bluntly.  "He puts his penis in the woman’s vagina."

Maddie’s eyes went wide and she said in horror: "You have GOT to be kidding."

And that was the end of that… not another word was said… until I got home.

We were in the car, on the way to dinner, when Maddie said:  "You won’t believe the story Mom told me today."

I had an idea what was coming. "What did she tell you?"

"I’m warning you, it’s GROSS. Mom said that to make a baby, a man puts his penis in a woman’s vagina!" Maddie said laughing a little too hard. "She really said that."

"It’s true."

"I’d like the real story." Maddie said.

"That’s it," I said.

"No way," Maddie said. "Tell me the truth." 

"It’s the truth," I said and I explained again  about the seed and the egg.  I glanced in the rearview mirror and could see Maddie staring at me hard.  "I’m not kidding, honest."

"I don’t understand," she said.  "Where do you get the seed? And how can you hold it with your… thingie?"

"It’s not like a pumpkin seed or an apple seed," I said.

"I don’t get it," she said.

So I explained about sperm while my wife squirmed in her seat, afraid I was going to go into too much detail.  She didn’t have to worry. I wasn’t ready to go into any more detail, either…unless pressed.

"Is it hard to get the seed into a lady?" Maddie asked.

"Oh yeah," I said.

My wife stifled a giggle.

I braced myself for more questions. And to my great relief, and my wife’s, Maddie decided that was enough for one night.

But there’s always tomorrow…

Dive! Dive!

by

This has been a big weekend for reader mail. I wasn’t going to post this…but then the sender posted a comment here.

Hello Mr Goldberg. I’m a fan of yours in a way. I’m actually a fan of
SeaQuest DSV/2032. the show it self maybe cancelled and maybe 10 years old. but to me I’d rather have watched seaQuest over star trek anyday. Now this is just my opinion, but me and many fans firmly beleive the show still has life, and that it still has a future, the shows quote said it the best "For
Beneath The Surface Lies The Future" well today isnt that reality? minus the aliens and pissed off gods and 100 foot crocodiles, seaQuest was actually a good show. oh by the way sorry I shoulda said this sooner, my name is  Tristen Tokarchuk. I’m the co-writer of one of the Fan fiction series based
on seaQuest 2032. Except we moved up 8 years to the year 2040, with two new Vessels, the close to 700      Meter UEO Atlantis ASV 8100, and the 500 Meter UEO SeaQuest ASV 4600III. If possible would you like to view Atlantis? If you would heres the link: http://www.geocites.com/atlantisasv. I’m also  the head writer of a realitively new fan fic series called "Enterprise DSV" based in the year 2066. i will send you some pics attached to this message
of the Atlantis and SeaQuest. I do have one quesrion though, would it be possible to get a detailed schematic of the SeaQuest DSV 4600I&II.

Here’s what I wrote to Tristen:

You obviously have a lot of energy and talent…and have devoted it to various re-imaginings of SeaQuest and Star Trek. Now it’s time for you to move on to something original, a universe that is entirely your own.  If you really want to be a writer, you should move past fan fiction and try creating your own characters, your own worlds. You will be surprised just how exciting it can be…and a bit scary, too, but that’s part of the fun of writing.

But perhaps you don’t want to be a writer. Perhaps your true calling is art and design (you certainly have the talent!).  Instead of creating new logos and ships for SeaQuest… how about creating entirely new, original vessels that have nothing to do with the look, feel, and style of the show? Create someting that exists entirely in your own imagination. I know you can do it, because the drawings you sent me certainly prove you have a lot of creativity.  Why not give it a try?