Jasper Fforde on Fanfic

Novelist Jasper Fforde ("The Eyre Affair," "Well of Lost Plots," etc.) shares his views on fanfic.

My thoughts on Fan Fiction are pretty much this: That it seems strange to want
to copy or ‘augment’ someone else’s work when you could expend just as much
energy and have a lot more fun making up your own. I feel, and I think with good
reason, very proprietorial about Thursday and all her escapades; clearly I can’t
stop you writing and playing what you want in private, and am very flattered
that you wish to do so. But anything published in any form whatsoever – and that
specifically includes the internet – I cannot encourage, nor approve of.

Tod vs The Fanficcers

Once again, my brother Tod takes on the fanfic universe.  First he did it with his column, now he’s doing it with Letters to The Editor.  He wrote to Writers Digest this month, criticizing them for an idiotic article (then again, aren’t most of the articles in that magazine pretty lame?)  that suggested that writing fanfic might be a good way to learn how to write.  As a successful novelist and acclaimed teacher of creative writing, Tod thinks otherswise. In part, he said:

Being handed a character…isn’t equal to the organic process you must
go through to create real, living characters. Writing fiction isn’t
about getting a shorthand lesson in creativity via someone else’s
established characters; rather, it’s the process of learning how to
create vivid characters and story lines from your own minds. Writing
fanfiction to learn how to write a novel is like filling in a crossword
puzzle with the belief that someone will hand you a doctorate
afterward.

Naturally, this has pissed off a lot of fanficcers, including some folks who are writing their own Harry Potter novels. Like this woman, for instance…

Well, Tod Goldberg, I majorly disagree. To begin with, I think
fanfiction gives people the courage to write. One, because you can put
up your work in a welcoming atmosphere and not have to go through the
self-esteem destruction of trying to get published. Two, you can get
your work read by someone other than your mother. Even if you
write something and set up a web site for people to read, you’re not
likely to get the draw that you would putting up a story at a fanfic
site. Three, you don’t have to go through the very hard work of making
up a background, allowing a writer to jump write in and write!

She has, of course, just proven Tod’s point…but I doubt she noticed.  But far be it from me to dive back into that  debate again.  I’ll leave that to Tod over on his blog.

Translation please?

I got this email tonight.

In fact , It’s a great pleasure to me to send this letter especially for you
because I admired with your fantastic series which one of them like (( Martial law )) — please : contact with mbc tv and tell them to show your series (( martial law )) , call for me on number : XXXXXXXXXXXX  in kuwait country – or send me on this e-email XXXXXX@hotmail.com as soon as possible          thank you

I wonder if it’s too late to call Kuwait?

Another Publishing Scam…they just keep coming, don’t they?

First there was the PublishAmerica scam, now comes another vanity press masquerading as a publisher. I got this email from a reader here:

Hi All, I was just ready to submit my novel (which took about 8
years to write) to PA. Boy, glad I did some reasearch first, Whew!

Any ideas/comments about www.american-book.com before I submit?

So I checked the site out. The company is called American Book Publishing. They proudly proclaim:

We don’t abide by today’s conventional book publishers’ wisdom. We don’t conduct
business as usual, at least not in book publishing.

They certainly don’t.  In their author submission guidelines, they say:

We provide our authors all the professional services of editors, book designers, and book publicists to ensure their success.

In other words, you ARE A CUSTOMER.

We may issue publishing contracts with offers of financial advances to authors who have been published and have already established their popularity.

Conventional publishers don’t work that way. When they say "we may issue publishing contracts with offers of financial advances," it means that their standard practice is that  they don’t. But they will kindly make an exception if they can trade on your  good name.  How thoughtful of them.

We may issue publishing contracts to professional writers who have become accomplished in their writing career and the contract may neither offer an advance or request a deposit.

A deposit??? This should be your big, fat tip-off that this is a vanity press eager to take advantage of your desperation to be published.  But just in case you missed that subtle clue, they go on to say…

We may issue publishing contracts to talented writers who have not been published before or become accomplished in their writing career, and this contract may request a one-time deposit of $780 that is returned to the author the first quarter after the book has been formally released.

Publishers pay you, you don’t pay them. Don’t let your desperation to be published blind you into throwing your money away on a vanity press trying to  pass itself off as something else. Open your eyes!

If you want to be self-published, at least go to a company like iUniverse that doesn’t pretend to be something it isn’t.

Sidelined

Sorry there have been so few postings here over the last couple of days… somehow I managed to throw out my back and am hobbling around like a guy who’s testicles have been crushed in a vice.  Feels kind of like that, too. Strange thing is, I have no idea how I hurt myself.  A visit to the chiropractor today hasn’t improved my condition.  And I’m still in physical therapy three mornings a week for my arm… and wearing a new splint/torture device that basically makes it impossible for me to type with my right arm for three hours each day.

In the midst of all this, I’m also working hard to finish my sixth Diagnosis Murder novel to meet a March deadline…knowing that, between now and then, I’m attending/speaking at the San Francisco Writers Conference and Left Coast Crime in El Paso.

Maybe that’s what hurt my back… sitting at my desk writing.

Who knew writing could be so strenuous?

2 + 2 = DEAD

I got this email today:

Hey Lee,

I just discovered your site and look forward to visiting it more often. I’m new to writing mysteries and wondered if you, by chance, are aware of any books that are a study of the mystery genre that utilize equations or diagrams when it comes to analyzing how mysteries work…I know
this is probably an esoteric request but I just thought I’d ask because when I study mysteries I tend to see the orchestration & plotting of the  suspects and clues in an almost mathematical equation…is that a common  approach to the structural part of mysteries?

Anyway I know you’re a  busy guy but I just thought I’d pick your brain with this question…all the  best, Matthew

Um, I dunno, Matthew. But there’s a new series called NUMBERS premiering on CBS Sunday about a guy who uses math to solve crimes. Does that count?

How Not To Make it Big in Hollywood

I got this email today…

Hello,
I am a 21 year old aspiring model/actress/entertainer, my name is  Melinda XYZ. My dream and goal is to
work in all different aspects of the entertainment industry. I have the attitude
and personality that it takes to make it in this industry.
I am fun, energetic, and a beautiful 21 year old female that has the drive to make it "big" in the entertainment industry. I am very comfortable in front of the camera and in of people!
I am really interested in working with you.
Could you please help me out. I know that you are busy but
I seem to keep ending up with the people contacting me only for "adult films"
and I dont want to put myself in that situation. Could you possibly help me
out a little – PLEASE..

Stats:
Birthday: October 24, 1983
Eyes:
Hazel
Hair: Light Brown
Height: 5’3"
Weight: 102
Pants: 3
Bust:
34c
Waist: 22
Hips: 34
Shoe: 6.5
Size: 3
 
Please feel free to contact me or my manager. My
numbers are;
Home: XXX-XXX-XXXX
Work: XXX-XXX-XXXX ext 2171 please feel free to call me at work any time. My address is XXXXXXXXXX. My manager’s address is XXXXXXXXXX. My email address is XXXXXXXXXX.

Gee, I can’t imagine  why she’d only be getting offers from porn producers, can you?

Do you think it could be because her impersonal pitch reads like a singles ad… or worse, like one of those email come-ons from women inviting you to call them for some hot phone sex?

I don’t know what makes her think that junk mailing this pitch, packed with important details like her shoe size, will get her a job offer from anyone but a porn producer.

I wonder if her "manager" gave her this wonderful advice….

UPDATE (1/22/05) – I got this email today:

4 Cheating House Wife have been matched for you in your area:

1)
Danielle, 120 lbs, 5’9, 36c, 14 miles away, available Jan 15-17th
2) Emily,
128 lbs, 5’7, 36d, 11 miles away, available most week nights ( looking for
side-fling)
3) Hannah, 121 lbs, 5’8, 34b, 5 miles away, available Jan
13-17th
4) Melissa, 127 lbs, 5’8, 36c, 13 miles away, available most week
nights ( looking for side-fling)

All 4 women are waiting to speak with
you live & have photos. Webcam’s are available for all 4.

I wonder if they want to be actresses too…

Outsourcing Signings

Author Margaret Atwood has stirred up quite a controversy by creating a "remote booksigning device" that would allow her to "attend" booksignings without actually being there.  She wrote about her invention, and the controversy, in today’s Los Angeles Times.

In an effort to simplify the most grueling part of the book-publication process
— the dreaded Author Tour — I dreamed up the concept of a remote book-signing
device. (I’ve spent far too many evenings crawling around on hotel room floors,
eating Pringles because I was too exhausted to call room service, so I needed
this!) The author would be able to relax at his or her home base and could see
and speak with a book buyer in a bookstore thousands of miles away. That much
can happen already.

But in addition, the author would be able to
actually sign — in real time, and with real ink — the book buyer’s book (or the
singer’s album, or the actor’s photograph). You would no longer have to be in
the bookstore to write "Happy Birthday, Aunt Sylvia." You would simply write on
a little pad (somewhat like the one the UPS messenger brings to your door) and
on the other end, your message and signature would be duplicated in the book.

Think of the plane trips avoided, the beer nuts left uneaten in the
hotel mini-bar, and — from the publisher’s point of view — the money saved! For
it costs a lot to whiz a bunch of disoriented and grumpy authors around the
world.

That’s exactly what she’s doing…thinking of the author or,more accurately, herself. What she’s proposing is the customer support approach towards her readers.  What’s wrong with an automated menu and no live operator? What’s wrong if that live operator is someone you can barely understand in Singapore or India? It’s still customer service, right? RIGHT?

She’s forgetting the personal touch, the human interaction. The respect. It’s not just the signature that’s important to most readers, it’s the chance to meet someone who has had a dramatic and often emotional impact on their lives and imaginations. It’s a way to meet someone who has inspired and entertained you. It’s also a way for authors to see the face of the people they are writing for, the people who have supported them in their art. It’s a way to say "Thank you," for both author and reader.  It’s not just a signature. And looking into a computer screen and shaking hands with a robot arm isn’t quite the same thing. What’s astonishing is that she doesn’t get that… or maybe she does.

The only difference between the author-at-a-distance and the author-in-the-flesh
would be that no author’s DNA would get onto the book, and no readers’ germs
would get onto the author.

I think this is where she betrays her real attitudes towards signings and her readers.  But there’s something else I find personally offensive about her booksigning-at-a-distance machine: it’s her broad, caricatured characterization of authors as cranky assholes who think it’s a burden to meet readers.

This may come as shock to Margaret Atwood and everyone else on the planet Vulcan, but lots of authors enjoy meeting their readers, enjoy the personal contact, and derive enormous pleasure from being able to sign their books in person.

She may have unintentionally succeeded in her goal of avoiding book tours. Given her attitude towards signing and readers, who would ever want this woman to sign their books again? Who would ever want her in their store? Not me.

How Not To Sell a Movie

I received this email today.

Dear Sir,
Did you like the 1993 movie Falling Down starring Michael Douglas? I’ve got
a screenplay Forty Plus about a computer operator who goes postal when the
mainframe computer is phased out.
Forty Plus is also more than that; it is an action screenplay in the
tradition of The French Connection/Traffic/ To Live in Die in L.A with car
chases never before attempted on screen, a gun battle at the Seattle Airport
between a korean druglord, who peddles cocaine and metamphetamine from his
pharmacy in Koreatown, and his henchmen against Detective Sam Trout and the
police.
Please let me know if you are interested in Forty Plus.
Sincerely,

I replied:

I’m a writer. I don’t buy scripts, I write them. And you’re not going to sell yours by sending out blind emails to strangers.

You might wonder why I keep posting these emails — the ones where people try to peddle their scripts to me and I write them back and tell them I’m not interested.
I do it to embarrass them, of course.
Sounds cruel, doesn’t it? I hope so. Because I post a mere fraction of the "Buy My Script" solicitations I get each week. It’s pointless to send these queries to me (I’M NOT A MOVIE PRODUCER) and I’m hoping the prospect of ending up on my blog will get people to stop doing it.

UPDATE  —  It gets even better. A couple hours after I posted this, I got another email from the same fellow. Here it is:

Dear Mr. Goldberg,
I don’t expect you to buy my script. I’ll be honest- my screenplay Forty
Plus needs polishing that only a professional writer like you can give it. You
may modify it any way you wish. I’m willing to give you exclusive rights to it
and you can be the first writer with me merely being listed as "based on an idea
by Robert Butler"- you can have 80% of the profits and I’ll have the rest. I’m
willing to sign anything you give me. Just ask yourself, does not the concept of
the story sound intriguing?- a korean druglord, Chung Ho Lee, who is a
pharmacist by day in Koreatown selling cocaine from his drugstore, by night he
is a druglord commanding an army of hitmen that do his bidding to wipe out the
competition and throw in a loose canon like Ben Rand, who goes postal when he
loses his job when the mainframe computer is phased out and they both are out on
a mission and their destination is the Seattle airport with Detective Sam Trout
hot on their trail.
Please think about it.
Sincerely,

Gee, I think I’m gonna pass. But you may feel free to take him up on his exciting offer.

UPDATE (1-14-05) –  I sent Bob an email saying I wasn’t interested in his script and wishing him luck with it. Here’s his response:

You’re not interested- I’ve heard that song a million times. In other
words, you are not up to the challenge of producing something new, different and
controversial- just the standard by the numbers, status quo fare. Mr. Producer I
wish you the best of luck in your illustrious career! You obviously have an
active imagination.
Good day sir.