Lee Goldberg

The Mail I Get – NCIS Edition

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I got this very long email from someone who would like NCIS to do an episode about something she experienced as an employee on a cruise ship. It read, in small part:

I'm sure that you get emails like this all the time. I have an idea for an episode of NCIS. I have been searching around the internet trying to figure out how to actually make this happen, and I came across your website. Before you read this, you should know that I am a very. persistant person. […]I used to work onboard a cruise ship. In a nutshell, I witnessed something bad happen in December 2007 at the hands of my boss, my boss's boss, and the onboard Human Resources manager. I tried to report it to someone I thought I could trust, but I apparently trusted the wrong person. She forwarded my emails in its entirety to the gentlemen that I had named, and then things got REALLY bad. I wish they just fired me (I actually resigned), but it was much worse than that. To make a long story short…

She didn't make it short…or comprehensible. She went on for another few thousand words and I still don't understand what happened or if it was even a crime. She went on and on to say, in part:

I would like to pitch the story idea to a writer to create an episode for NCIS. People should be aware of what goes on, and that it can be unsafe in international waters. […]And to answer you next question, which I presume is "Why would the NCIS team investigate something on a cruise ship", I figure that the husband character could have been a former Marine (many cruise ship employees are)[…]Can you help point me in the right direction? I'd like to see the story told. To prove to you that I am not a crazy person, I work for a prestigious film festival.

I was skeptical about her, but once she said she worked at a prestigious film festival, I knew she was cool because nobody unstable, or with unrealistic expectations about the TV business, ever work for film festivals.

I politely told her that I couldn't help her and that there was virtually no way that she'd be able to sell her story to NCIS (not that I could figure out what the heck her story actually was). I suggested that she might have better luck getting her story out, and do more good, by going to a newspaper reporter rather a TV show about fictional detectives.

She got back to me right away with a lengthy, and yet sketchy, explanation of why she couldn't go to the press but could go to a TV cop show to get her message out. She is determined to get NCIS, or some other detective show, to hear her story

I have no interest in selling the story — I don't need, nor want, any money for it. And I'm not crazy enough to think that I would actually write the script. I am very good at what I do, but writing is not what I do. But I do know that the screenwriters get their ideas from somewhere — so I guess what I need is for one of the decision makers to be stumped for story ideas one day, and turn to my story for inspiration.

She vowed to press on and not be discouraged. I thought about writing her back and saying that there's a reason that they say that the stories on shows like LAW AND ORDER, NCIS, and CSI are "ripped from the headlines." Because that's where they get their inspiration, from the news, not from people sending in their personal stories of crime and conspiracy (if that is, indeed, what her story is about). But I decided to let it drop.

More Me

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Ed Gorman has a Q&A interview with me up on his blog as part of his on-going "Pro Files" series of interviews with published authors. Here's an excerpt:

3. What is the greatest pleasure of a writing career?

It's exactly that — having a writing career. I get paid to sit at my computer and make-believe. People pay me to share my fantasies. It doesn't get any better than that.

4. The greatest DIS-pleasure?

The opportunities for writers in book publishing and episodic TV are shrinking every day. It's a scary time to be a professional writer if you aren't already a bestselling author or an A-list screenwriter/TV showrunner.

5. If you have one piece of advice for the publishing world, what is it?

Pay me more.

You’re So Vain

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There were several interesting and informative blog posts on the web this week about self-publishing. 

After publishers rejected his thriller, CNET columnist David Carnoy spent $5000 to self-publish it through Booksurge, against the advice of his agent. He notes that:

The average self-published book sells about 100-150 copies–or 2/3 to 3/4 of your friends and family combined (and don't count on all your Facebook aquaintances buying). I don't have a source for this statistic, but I've seen this stated on several blogs and as a Publishers Weekly article titled "Turning Bad Books into Big Bucks" noted, while traditional publishers aim to publish hundreds of thousands of copies of a few books, self-publishing companies make money by publishing 100 copies of hundreds of thousands of books.

But that reality check didn't stop Carnoy, who does such a good job listing all the substantial pitfalls of self-publishing that I wonder why he bothered to go that route and what he hopes to gain. 

Author J. Steven York points out that vanity presses stress the difficulty of selling your work to a real publisher as a good reason to pay to be published. York concedes that it's true that getting published is hard:

It takes time. The deck is stacked against you, and a lot of the publishing process exists primarily to keep the flood of dreck out, sometimes keeping good books and writers out in the process. If it bothers you, and it probably does, I've got two words for you. Boo. Hoo. Like many things worth doing, getting a book published is work. It requires patience, resilience, and determination. And despite all this (and this is what the vanity publishers don't tell you), it beats the alternative.

[…]If selling your book to a legitimate publisher is too too hard for you, then going to a vanity press won't solve your problem, it will multiply it.

York lists many of the same pitfalls as Carnoy does. In a later post, he takes issue with some of Carnoy's conclusions and challenges the columnist's rationale for self-publishing his novel. York makes a lot of excellent points. His two posts should be required reading for anyone contemplating self-publishing their books.

The Mail I Get — Still More!

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I have two pieces of mail to share with you today. First off is this query from an aspiring screenwriter in Germany:

I am trying to collect experience in "stoffentwicklung" what might be similar to the expression "scriptwriting" for movies and television. I had the Idea to got to Los Angeles- Hollywood to do a trainee, but I really don't know if this is
common in the same way as it is here in Germany. I would be very greatfull if
you could help me on this.

I replied:

I'm not aware of all the trainee opportunities in screenwriting in L.A…but the few that I know about are highly competitive. You would be competing against graduates of the film schools at UCLA, USC and NYU, to name a few. And I suspect the trainee programs are more likely to take a U.S. writer than one from Europe. That said, it couldn't hurt to apply anyway. All it will cost you is a stamp or a click.

I got the following email from a writer who says he's trying to decide whether or not to self-publish his novel. But  it seems to me from his note that he has already decided to self-publish and is trying to justify his decision to himself:

I am an aspiring and intelligent writer who is aware that there are so many less-than-honest companies. Do you despise all self publishing or do you see the value in some authors deciding to self publish? Are there any companies in particular that you have found success with? Do you know approximately how many legitimate literary agents are available in the US and how many manuscripts they take on per year? I know that there are relatively unknown authors that do get the opportunity to publish but is there an average advancement amount that is given to a first timer? How is the figure decided? I am passionate about what I have written and I do not want the manuscript, characters, places, etc to be altered in any way. Can I get a guarantee from a traditional publisher that my work will not be manipulated or misconstrued?

Here's how I replied:

I don't know how many legitimate literary agents there are, or how many manuscripts are published each year, or what the average advance is for new writers. It's irrelevant anyway. It sounds to me like you are asking those questions to justify a decision you've already made to hand over your credit card to a vanity press. What you're implying is that it's just too damn hard to break in… and you don't want to make the effort. And since, on top of that, you refuse to even consider editing your work in any way, then yes, I think it's unlikely that you will find an agent or a publisher.

Why? Because no agent is likely to represent a newbie writer as inflexible  as you appear to be…unless, of course, your work is
mind-blowingly spectacular and amazingly commercial.  And while a real publisher won't edit your work without your consent…they also won't publish it if you are unwilling to make the changes they think are necessary.

So if what you want is your manuscript to be printed in a form resembling a book without any editing whatsoever, then hell yes, call iUniverse right away. You won't sell any copies, and it will cost you a small fortune, but at least it will be printed in book form without any chance of rejection, editing…or  advances and sales. But hey, at least you will have done it your way and avoided any chance of someone telling you something you don't want to hear.

You are, in fact, exactly the kind of person vanity presses pray for…not only do they like the desperate and naive, they also appreciate people whose high opinion of their own work is only matched by their fear of rejection and lack of fortitude.

Do I despise all self-publishing? No, I don't. I despise the vanity presses that prey on the stupidity and desperation of aspiring authors and swindle them out of their money. And I have little patience for newbie writers who are so intent on finding a short-cut that they blind themselves to obvious scams.

Self-publishing is rarely a wise idea for fiction but it can work with non-fiction, especially if you have a strong platform from which to publicize and sell the book,  like teaching a class, hosting a TV or radio show, preaching to a congregation, touring as a speaker, running seminars, etc.

The Mail I Get, Part Two

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I got the strangest piece of spam today from someone named Kelly Kilpatrick:

I'm interested in writing a guest article on your site A Writer's Life in order to increase my writing profile. I'm not sure what the process is for submitting an article for your review or if you have certain requirements, but if you're at all interested I'd appreciate you getting back to me, and I can send you an article for you to consider for publication. I'm planning on writing something related to your existing articles, but if you have something specific in mind just let me know. All I'd ask in return is a by-line with a link pointing back to my site.

Her site offers links to online educational institutions and vocational training services. I'm not linking to it because I don't what to give this woman any traffic.

What's amazing to me is that Kelly thinks that by spamming bloggers, and offering to blog for them, she will increase her "writing profile." She also seems to think that my blog is a magazine, and that people submit posts for my review. (What I actually think what she did was take her standard query letter and substitute "on your site A Writer's Life" where she'd usually insert the name of a magazine). Clearly, Kelly has never visited or read my blog. She also has no idea how to begin a career as a professional writer.

Here's a hint, Kelly: spamming strangers whose blogs you haven't seen and offering to write a post for them is not the way in. It is, however, a terrific way to increase your "idiot profile."

UPDATE: I've seen some of her brilliant blog posts, all of which link back to a variety of different sites that flog online education courses. Most of her inane articles are basically lists (Five Anti-Obama Blogs, Top Firefox Add-Ons You Need, Best On-Line Marketing Guides, etc) with an introductory paragraph. What amused me the most, however, was an article she wrote on how aspiring writers can achieve success. Here's her introduction:

Here’s the thing about writing – it doesn’t come easily to everyone. Yes, a lot of people do know how to speak well and articulate their thoughts with the élan of a skilled orator; but ask them to pen down their thoughts and they’re as out of their element as a deer caught in a pair of headlights. There are some people who have a way with words when they’re given total freedom, when they’re allowed to write on just about anything under the sun.

Apparently, she thinks the way to success is paved with cliches ("As out of their element as a deer caught in a pair of headlights,"  "Allowed to write on just about anything under the sun" etc.) but that particular piece of advice wasn't included in her list. For the record, her amazing advice included start a blog, leave comments on other blogs, and write interesting articles. Wow. I wish I had that sage advice when I was starting out.  Kelly is a writer who is like a fish out of water who is up shit creek without a paddle looking for a needle in a haystack. 

It wouldn't surprise me if "Kelly Kilpatrick" was just a pen name for several bad writers who are paid by a variety online education sites trying to draw hits to their pages.

UPDATE 2/5/09 – She's baaaak. 

Hi Lee, 

We just posted an article, "Top 100 Creative Writing Blogs." I thought I'd bring it to your attention in case you think your readers would find it interesting.

I am happy to let you know that your site has been included in this list.

Either way, thanks for your time!

Kelly

Wow. I am so honored.

Either this spam mill doesn't know that I've already trashed their activities on my blog…or they think linking to me in one of their "lists" will buy me off…or they are doing it for a laugh. Whichever it is, it's just one more indication of how inept they are.

The Mail I Get

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I got an email today from a complete stranger that began with lots of praise for me and my Monk books. Then, after buttering me up, she got to the point:

I'm a pre-published author who is destined for success. My latest book is an 80,000 word erotic-suspense-romance-thriller and I would really appreciate it if you would read the manuscript and give me your detailed critique. I would also like a blurb I could use to help sell it (I will give it prominent placement on the book when it is published). I need your comments no later than Feb. 1, 2009.

My first thought was that this was some kind of prank. But assuming for the sake of a blog post that it's not, I am astonished by the writer's chutzpah. It's ballsy enough to ask someone you don't know to read your book…but to actually give them a deadline? Maybe she thinks the possibility of having my blurb published on her book is irresistable. Her arrogance and cluelessness is rather astonishing. I can't imagine anyone responding positively to her request.  That's basically what I told her:

I'm glad that you enjoy my MONK books. While I appreciate your kind words, I'm not interested in reading your manuscript. It takes a lot of time to read and critique a manuscript…something I might do for a student in a class that I'm teaching, or a close friend, or a member of my family. But you are none of those things. You are a total stranger to me. It's already presumptuous of you to ask someone you don't know to read your raw manuscript — but demanding that they do so by some arbitrary deadline crosses the line into offensive arrogance. This may shock you, but I have a life of my own. I don't appreciate it when a stranger assumes, simply because they like my books,  that I am obligated to set my life aside for them. What were you thinking?!

I'll let you know if I hear back from this idiot.

Specs Appeal

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I don't have the time to gamble on writing a book on spec right now, so I decided to put together a book proposal instead. In fact, that's how I sold MY GUN HAS BULLETS back in the early 90s to St. Martin's Press. 

I've just  finished writing the sample chapters. It's about 35,000 words and, dramatically speaking,  the narrative equivalent of the first act of a three-act movie. It sets up the characters, the stakes and the obstacles ahead. In other words, everything is set in motion. 

Over the next day or so I'll write up a punchy, broad-strokes outline of the rest of the novel. I don't know if the sample chapters are any good, or if my agent will think that the idea is marketable, or if any publisher in this economy will buy the book, but I am as satisified with it  and pleased with myself for meeting my personal deadline of Dec. 1 to get the package done.

Now I'll set those characters aside (if I can) and concentrate on writing my next MONK book.

I Should Be Appointed Secretary of State Because My Mom Had Her Picture Taken With Gerald Ford

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You know how much I like to trash publishing scams. Well, now my brother Tod is jumping into the fray with an expose of BK Nelson Literary Agency and their, um, "qualifications":

I can't think of a better reason to sign with BK Nelson other than she was associated with a law firm that, uh, had a partner whose daughter married Paul McCartney. If anyone can think of a stranger biographical note in an agent's bio, please, forward it to me. It's pretty much the equivalent of me saying you should buy my books because I once worked at a staffing service that sent temps to Disney (which was founded by Walt Disney).

My Quotable Family

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Coming from a family chock full of writers and journalists means we all know how to give a good quote to a reporter. My Uncle Stan Barer, a University of Washington regent, was asked by the Seattle Post Intelligencer to comment on the severe funding cutbacks the university is facing from the state.

"We take better care of our prisoners than of our students," UW Regent Stanley Barer said Thursday. "Maybe we ought to have prisoners stay here at night so that we can get the money."