Nobody Wants to Read Your Adaptation of CHILDHOOD’S END

I got this email the other day:

Suppose you adapt something that you love (a novel or a comic or short story) and it turns out very good. Would it be ethical to use this as a writing sample? Would it be a good idea? Would it demonstrate to a producer or agent your ability to adapt other materials?

On the one hand this seems to me very much like fanfic in that you’re using characters and a world created by some one to which you have no rights. On the other hand when you spec a TV show, which you do use as a writing sample, you’re doing the exact same thing.

I have to admit that these are questions nobody has ever asked me before.  The answer is no, you should not adapt someone else’s novel for your spec script.  And here’s why:

1) The point of a spec feature is to show off your unique voice and your ability to tell a compelling, original story. No producer is going to be impressed if you adapt THE DAVINCI CODE as your spec.

2) The point of an episodic spec is to show your ability to capture the structure, voice, characters, and tone of an existing TV series.  Basing your spec on a book, comic, or pre-existing movie tells a producer absolutely nothing about your grasp of the four-act structure or your ability to mimick the voice of a TV character.

3) You don’t own the book, comic book, or short story. It’s not yours to adapt. It’s stealing.

4) It’s not even remotely the same thing as writing a spec episode of an existing TV series. It’s accepted practice within the TV industry that it’s okay to write an episode of an existing series for the sole purpose of using it as a writing sample. You’re given a free pass, essentially, to play with characters you don’t own because there’s an understanding you’re not going to publish it, produce it, or sell it. A spec episodic script is a sample of your work, a way for producers to gauge if you can mimic the plotting, voice, structure, and tone of a TV series.

5) It’s an enormous cheat. Let’s be honest, you’re turning to a book, comic book, or other pre-existing property
because you’re too lazy to do the work involved in coming up with an
original story. Or you don’t have the skills to mimic an episode of a TV show. Or you’re so blinded by fanboy love of the material that
you can’t see what a stupid idea it is to send out your own adaptation.
Here are some of the least offensive things agents and producers will
think of you if you send out your unsolicited adaptation of  CATCHER IN
THE RYE or CAPTAIN MARVEL or your reimagining of SEAQUEST DSV:  "Loser,"
"geek," "never been laid," "speaks fluent Klingon," "talentless
amateur," "moron," "loves Real Person Slash Fic," "Collects unicorn
statuettes,"  "Lives with his Mother," "Dimwit," and "Longs for the return
of the original BATTLESTAR GALACTICA."

All that said, I vaguely recall reading somewhere that John Irving gave a young director the rights to one of his books (perhaps A WIDOW FOR ONE YEAR or OWEN MEANY) based on an  screenplay adaptation of the novel that the film-maker wrote on spec to impress the novelist.  But that’s a unique situation and very different from what you’re proposing.

It’s Offensive

I got this email today:

It’s = "It is."
Its = possessive

From your website:

"I’ve written here before about the unethically close relationship between
Writer’s Digest and it’s vanity press advertisers."

"The CW has leaked it’s fall schedule… and it doesn’t include EVERWOOD or
REBA."

Please stop offending your readers with such sloppiness and/or ignorance.

Very Truly Yours,
Pinky

It’s sloppiness. I know the rule, but I make the mistake anyway. It’s one of my many flaws. I also have a hard time spelling "marriage," "villain," "similar," "envelope," and "weird" correctly. But I don’t spend a lot of time proofing my blog posts (okay, none at all), so if you offend that easily, I suggest you visit my brother’s blog instead and make sure he’s using the term "fucktard" correctly.

The Elusive Fucktardicine Americanas

Every week, my brother Tod hilariously skewers Parade Magazine and the fucktards (and Parade staffers) who pose questions to Walter Scott.  This week, though, Tod is at his best. Here’s my favorite part, which had me choking on my morning bagel:

As a child in the 1960s, I loved the novelty songs of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Are they still around?

It’s
hard to answer the question Jon Brown poses because it works on so many
different levels of consciousness. Are the songs still around? No, Jon,
the songs were stuffed into a time capsule and shot into space, which
is why you never hear them around Christmas anymore. And everyone knows
that once a song stops playing, well, it ceases to exist. Why, it’s
amazing the Star Spangled Banner has lasted so long, but I put that in
the hands of the Lord. You know what also no longer exists? Final
Countdown by Europe. Poof! It failed to exist. It’s no longer "around".
Same with Mickey by Toni Basil. The entire Blow Monkeys catalog.
Remember 99 Luftballons by Nena? Gone. No longer "around".

And then the larger question: Does Jon actually mean Alvin
and the Chipmunks? Does Jon Brown of Natick, Mass, really think Alvin
and the Chipmunks are no longer "around"? Well, that would indicate
that Alvin and the Chipmunks ever, you know, existed. You see, Jon,
they were a cartoon. Louis Leakey discovered in 1975 that cartoons
weren’t, in fact, part of the hominid line and all the history books
had to be rewritten. C. Owen Lovejoy, in his landmark paper on the
subject, noted that cartoons were actually "[D]rawn by people working
in Burbank, California and have no relation to any known lines of human
evolution. In addition, it appears the Brown family of Natick, Mass. is
part of a forgotten link in the parade of humanity known as fucktardicine americanas."

Bum Bum Bum-dee Bum Bum…

I didn’t like MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3…but I absolutely love the soundtrack. I can’t stop listening to it. The score is exhilirating in a way the movie wasn’t. Composer Michael Giacchino did a fantastic reinterpreting Lalo Schifrin’s classic cues and added some great ones of his own. I’m also a huge fan of Giacchino’s THE INCREDIBLES soundtrack, a rousing and fun-loving homage to the John Barry 007 scores of the 60s and 70s (particularly ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE).  I’m hoping the Bond folks pick Giacchino to score CASINO ROYALE…

Who Am I? The Sequel

I got another email from Doug Mannington at Point of Impact today:

Greetings – I am looking to purchase 5 text link ads on neilgaiman.com/journal/

Each ad is two to three words in length and can be placed anywhere on your page as long as the ads are visible on the majority of pages on your website. I would be willing to pay for 3 months of advertising up front.

Would you be interested?

Looking forward to your response,

Doug

I replied to Doug that I’ve double checked my birth certificate, driver’s license and passport and I’m still pretty sure that I am not Neil Gaiman.  But I could be Pierce Brosnan.

Bouchercon

I’ve just booked my hotel room for Bouchercon 2006 in Madison, Wisconsin ( if you attending, and haven’t made room reservations yet, you better hurry — the area hotels are selling out fast). I also received my Anthony Award ballot in the mail this week.  The Anthonys are selected by Bouchercon attendees and any mystery novel published in 2005 is eligible for nomination. I hope if you enjoyed THE MAN WITH THE IRON ON BADGE, and are attending Bouchercon this fall, that you will consider nominating the book for Best Novel when you receive your ballot.  My book aside, I can’t honestly remember all the good stuff that I read that was published in 2005. Please jog my memory with any suggestions you might have in the comment below. The categories are Best Novel, Best First Novel, Best Paperback Original, Best Short Story and Best Critical/Non-fiction Work. Thanks!

Welcome Back, Goldberg

I’ll be teaching the "Beginning Writing for the One-Hour Drama" course at UCLA Extension this summer (taking the baton from my friend Matt Witten). Here’s the info on the course:

Modeled directly on how writers write in the real world of one-hour
dramas, this course focuses on what is most central to creating a
strong script as well as the largest piece (40 percent) of the writer’s
deal with any show: the story and outline. The course goal is for you
to master the process of constructing an airtight story and detailed
outline so that you are ready to write a script for any current show as
quickly and expertly as possible. The steps you take include choosing
the best story for your spec script, mapping it out from beginning to
end, and writing a strong outline in proper script format. In the
process, you learn how to identify and capture the tone, characters,
dialogue, and themes of any one-hour drama series–the key to breaking
and staying in the field. This course also introduces students to the
various genres (police procedurals, medical, legal, etc.) and their
specific rules; what’s popular in the current marketplace; and how to
work within the special requirements of timeslots, outlet, and styles
(for example, single-character drama versus ensemble cast). All student projects must focus on current shows; no pilots.

The enrollment is limited to 20 students, so if you’re interested, act now while there are still some seats left.

Who Am I?

I got this email today:

Greetings – I am looking to purchase 5 text link ads on neilgaiman.com/journal/

Each ad is two to three words in length and can be placed anywhere on your page as long as the ads are visible on the majority of pages on your website. I would be willing to pay for 3 months of advertising up front.  Would you be interested?

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately…but I’m pretty sure that I’m not Neil Gaiman.

The Personal Touch

I got this "personal" email today from Matt Burke at Vendorpro:

I’ve been to your Lee Goldberg website and I think your books are perfect for our stores. I especially like "Diagnosis Murder Series". We work hand in hand with the largest stores in the country, plus thousands of small to medium sized specialty businesses stretched across the U.S. If you want the opportunity to sell your books through major retailers like Barnes and Noble, Borders, Amazon.com, Waldens, Target, QVC, HSN, etc …plus the other 51005 gift stores, 16826 bookstores, and over 24000 mail-order catalogs…check us out.

Here’s what I told Matt. I thanked him for the personal email. It gave me a good indication of his honesty, attention to detail and professionalism… because if he’d really been to my site, he’d know my DIAGNOSIS MURDER books are published by Penguin/Putnam, one of the largest publishers in the world, and are already available at major retailers.  Matt needs to work on his pitch (or at least do his homework) before sending out his junk mail — or, at the very least, give up the pretense that he knows anything about me or my books.

Not Interested

I got this email the other day. Here it is, in its entirety:

For anyone interested.

Real grabber, isn’t it? Who could resist clicking the link after a pitch like that? The link takes you to a blog, where Steve Clackson has posted the first few chapters of SAND STORM, his novel-in-progress, for which he is seeking an agent and publisher. I’m not sure what he hopes to gain by sending me the link. A manuscript critique? A referral to my agent or editor? A TV series option? Whatever it is, I’m not interested. But forget about me…what about the others he’s doubtlessly sent this link to?

Does he really think an agent will stumble on his blog and offer to represent him? Or that a publisher will be so enthralled by his prose that they’ll offer him a book contract? Or that a development exec at some studio will read it and beg to buy the movie rights? Sure, some blogs and websites have led to book and movies deals. But it’s exceedingly rare.

My advice to Steve is to take the chapters down. The book clearly needs lots of work before it’s going to be ready to submit to an agent or publisher. And he isn’t doing himself any favors by posting the rough chapters publicly and — cringe — posting a cheesy, home-made "cover" and — big cringe — linking to a "review" of the pages from some blogger.

Where do people get these really, really bad ideas?

UPDATE 5-26-06:  For reactions and discussions prompted by this post, look here, here, here, here, here and here. The consensus, with a couple of exceptions, seems to be that I’m a bully who reacted too harshly (one blogger, David Thayer,  likened this dust-up to "Godzilla vs. Bambi"). Perhaps that’s true… I was certainly in a sour mood last week.