The Mail I Get

I am going to be RICH!

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I got this email today:

Dear Goldberg

My name is Charles Kobenan a Banker and
accountant with BIAO BANK Abidjan.I am the personal accounts manager to
Engr Lake Goldberg a National of your country, who used to work with an
oil servicing company here in Cote Ivoire.

My client, his wife,
and their three children were involved in the ill fated Kenya Airways
crash in the coasts of Abidjan in January 2000 in which all passengers
on board died. Since then I have made several inquiries to your embassy
to locate any of my clients extended relatives but thas been
unsuccessful.After several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace
his last name over the internet,to see if I could locate any member of
his family hence I contacted you.

Of particular interest is
this huge deposit with our bank here in,where the deceased has an
account valued at about ($16 million US dollars).They have issued me a
notice to pro vide the next of kin or the bank will declare the account
unservisable and thereby send the funds to the bank treasury.Since I
have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over last 6years
now, I will seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the
deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of
this account valued at ($16million US dollars) can be paid to you and
then you and I can share the money.

All
I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal
through.I guarantee that this will be executed under all legitimate
arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. In your
reply mail, I want you to give me your full names, address, date of
birth, telephone and fax numbers.If you can handle this with me, reach
me now for more details.

Thanking you for your anticipated cooperation.
Sincerely,

This sounds like a terrific idea idea to me.  I am going to send him whatever he wants, especially my checking account and social security numbers if he asks for them, because this legitimate opportunity to get rich is just too good to pass up. This is my lucky day!

Gimme Gimme Gimme

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I’m a TV writer/producer and a novelist. I don’t buy scripts, finance movies, publish books, or take on apprentices. And I’m not a celebrity.

Even so, every day I get emails from strangers asking me to buy their scripts, read their scripts, plug their blogs, blurb their books, or take them on as apprentices. I still don’t understand why. But the vast majority of those appeals are so badly presented, I can’t imagine that any of them  could ever work. Here’s a sampling of some I’ve received this week, the names  have been changed to protect the guilty.

I think this woman wants me to take her on as some kind of apprentice…or buy her life story…or just pay attention to her. I’m not sure:

I’m a 36 year old
black woman who has always desired to write for a living.  Thus my blog at XYZ.  Please don’t think I’m some rags to riches story in the
making as I’m not.  The closest I’ve ever been to the ghetto was driving
past fast on my way to visit some unfortunate relative.  LOL!  I am
FABULOUS.  just FABULOUS as you’ll soon find out. I have a gazillion
ideas and a gazillion/gamillion stories.[…]

Please visit my site and take me on as someone to mentor.  You could be the man who
discovered the next Shonda Rhimes. Come on…take a chance.  I’m EXACTLY
the sort of story Oprah would EAT UP!

Another complete stranger wants me to call him or give him my phone number using this come on:

I’m the publisher of XYZ.com, which is regularly ranked in the Top 5% off all sites on the web and cited by international, national and regional media. Is there a number I might reach you at or can you please call me at XXXXX when you have a moment?

Why would I want to do that? When I asked him what he wanted to talk about, he replied:

A forthcoming online project I’m working on.

Uh-huh. Needless to say, I haven’t called. Another person wants me to read his script:

Please take a look at XYZ.  We are now being read by the Hallmark Channel, Noah Wiley, Erique LaSalle and John Schneider and Albert Brooks’ manager. We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Why would I want to read the script? What’s the point? And if all those stars are reading the script, what the heck do you need me for anyway (though, in point of fact, the stars aren’t reading the script, their "reader" is reading the script). 

A self-published author wants me to blurb his book:

My first novel is now on sale.  Please see: XYZ.com.  I’m writing to request a blurb and any other help you believe is appropriate for its promotion.  I’ve receive several blurbs, including one from XYZ, that I will put on a poster to boost local
attention.

Who could resist a note like that? Not only will I blurb it,  I’m going to give him the  deed to my house.

Recommended Publishers

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A reader posed this question to me in an email:

I read your comments about Publish America, and so I thought I would write and ask what publishers you would recommend for an aspiring writer trying to get their first short novel published?

Reputable ones. It’s a simple as that.  Publish America isn’t one of them. They are a vanity press in disguise.

Here’s another piece of advice, since you’re asking: Don’t get involved with any publisher that asks you to pay to be published.  They should pay you, not the other way around.

I would also be extremely leary of  any publishers that are strictly print-on-demand. I’m not saying all the  non-pay-to-be-published POD presses are dishonest, far from it, some of their founders really love books and respect authors… but many of those "publishers" tend to be on very shaky commercial footing at best. Take what happened with Quiet Storm, for example.  On the other hand, Ellora’s Cave has become very successful and treats their authors well (though they have some of the most laughably horrible "covers" I’ve ever seen).

I’m No Help

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For some reason, Fridays is the day I seem to get the most blog-related email.  Here’s one from Kelly Cyr:

I read through your blog and find you extremely negative and cynical. You
also hold yourself well above the rest of us writers. Maybe you should find
another line of work. I don’t think writing suits you at all. Honey, I don’t
think you would be anyone enjoyable to be around at all. Go find another
occupation and get happier. The stuff you write only brings people down and
was of no help to me at all. 

I’ll share a secret with you, Kelly. I’m not half as talented as most of the writers I know and I live in fear that some day people are going to figure that out. You’re obviously way ahead of the pack on that one. 

But I have to correct you on a couple of other things:  I am the happiest guy you will ever meet. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful and supportive family, lots of friends, good health, and a career doing what I love (despite my obvious lack of talent).

I’m sorry that my work saddens you. If you came here looking for help with your career, your relationships, or your pursuit of inner peace, you definitely came to the wrong place. My blog isn’t an advice column and I’m not Walter Scott. This is my collection of rantings, ramblings, and opinions on this and that. Sometimes I answer questions, but I’m not here to help you sell your script, get your book published,  train your dog to fetch, discover spiritual enlightenment, or become multiply orgasmic (though I am told reading my DIAGNOSIS MURDER books helps a lot with that). I’m here because I’m procrastinating when I should be writing. Try my brother Tod’s blog instead or write a letter to Parade.

Lester Dent’s Fiction Formula

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Dent2
I got this email from "Bigby" today:

Lester Dent, the pulp writer who created Doc Savage
(and I believe wrote all or most of the Shadow stories) and God knows how many
others once gave his formula for any 6000 word pulp story… which is EXACTLY
the four-act structure for TV. He even breaks those six thousand words into four,
1500 word acts…Absolutely fascinating.

Bigby is right.  Dent’s formula reads almost exactly like the four-act structure of an episodic teleplay. For example, here is how Dent describes the first 1500 words of a story:

  1. First line, or as near thereto as possible, introduce the hero
    and swat him with a fistful of trouble. Hint at a mystery, a menace or
    a problem to be solved–something the hero has to cope with.
  2. The hero pitches in to cope with his fistful of trouble. (He
    tries to fathom the mystery, defeat the menace, or solve the problem.)
  3. Introduce ALL the other characters as soon as possible. Bring
    them on in action.
  4. Hero’s endevours land him in an actual physical conflict near the
    end of the first 1500 words.
  5. Near the end of first 1500 words, there is a complete surprise
    twist in the plot development.

That’s pretty darn close to what the first Act of any episode has to accomplish. The first Act sets up the central conflicts of the story:  what the hero has at stake, what others have at stake, what his goals are and the obstacles that prevent him from achieving his aims. Dent says much the same thing, only in a different words ("He
tries to fathom the mystery, defeat the menace, or solve the problem."). Dent’s advice is worth taking — whether you are writing a thrilling short story or a spec episode of a TV show.

Another Great Idea for a TV Series

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I got this email today:

I am just beginning my venture into the world of television.  More specifically, I am trying to find out how
to go about presenting my idea for a television series.  I think it’s a
terrific idea and have mentioned it to several friends, co-workers, and
family members for feedback.  They all agree it sounds like something
they would really be interested in watching.  My question is HOW do I
get started in something like this?
 
I’ve had this idea for a few years, and there is nothing on TV
similar to it.  I just have no idea how, where, and to whom to present
my ideas.  I am a good writer as well, but I have never written
anything "dialogue-related", such as a play or TV series.

I politely replied by directing her to two of my previous posts here on the same topic. But I could have answered her question by rewriting her note:

I am just beginning my venture into the world of automotive design.  More specifically, I am trying to find out how
to go about presenting my idea for a new car.  I think it’s a
terrific design and have shown it to several friends, co-workers, and
family members for feedback.  They all agree it looks like a car they’d be really interested in owning.  My question is HOW do I
get started in something like this?
 
I’ve had this idea for a few years, and there is nothing on the road that’s similar to it.  I just have no idea how, where, and to whom to present
my ideas.  I am a good artist as well, but I have never designed
anything "automotive-related", such as a motorcycle or truck.

No one in their right mind would ever write a note like that to a car designer. It would be insane. So why would you send it to a TV writer? Because TV isn’t car design. It doesn’t involve complex engineering and manufacturing.

Think again.

One season of an hour-long TV series costs $50 million to produce. It takes a crew of several hundred to make it happen…and the resources of a studio (aka a factory for producing TV shows and movies). No one is going to gamble that much money, or entrust that much responsibility, to someone who has never done anything "dialogue-related."

There’s no short-cut to creating a TV series, designing a car, becoming a doctor, or becoming a great chef. It takes knowledge. It takes skill. It takes work. It takes experience.  Simple as that. You start at the bottom, learn the basics, and work your way up.

Nobody Wants to Read Your Adaptation of CHILDHOOD’S END

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I got this email the other day:

Suppose you adapt something that you love (a novel or a comic or short story) and it turns out very good. Would it be ethical to use this as a writing sample? Would it be a good idea? Would it demonstrate to a producer or agent your ability to adapt other materials?

On the one hand this seems to me very much like fanfic in that you’re using characters and a world created by some one to which you have no rights. On the other hand when you spec a TV show, which you do use as a writing sample, you’re doing the exact same thing.

I have to admit that these are questions nobody has ever asked me before.  The answer is no, you should not adapt someone else’s novel for your spec script.  And here’s why:

1) The point of a spec feature is to show off your unique voice and your ability to tell a compelling, original story. No producer is going to be impressed if you adapt THE DAVINCI CODE as your spec.

2) The point of an episodic spec is to show your ability to capture the structure, voice, characters, and tone of an existing TV series.  Basing your spec on a book, comic, or pre-existing movie tells a producer absolutely nothing about your grasp of the four-act structure or your ability to mimick the voice of a TV character.

3) You don’t own the book, comic book, or short story. It’s not yours to adapt. It’s stealing.

4) It’s not even remotely the same thing as writing a spec episode of an existing TV series. It’s accepted practice within the TV industry that it’s okay to write an episode of an existing series for the sole purpose of using it as a writing sample. You’re given a free pass, essentially, to play with characters you don’t own because there’s an understanding you’re not going to publish it, produce it, or sell it. A spec episodic script is a sample of your work, a way for producers to gauge if you can mimic the plotting, voice, structure, and tone of a TV series.

5) It’s an enormous cheat. Let’s be honest, you’re turning to a book, comic book, or other pre-existing property
because you’re too lazy to do the work involved in coming up with an
original story. Or you don’t have the skills to mimic an episode of a TV show. Or you’re so blinded by fanboy love of the material that
you can’t see what a stupid idea it is to send out your own adaptation.
Here are some of the least offensive things agents and producers will
think of you if you send out your unsolicited adaptation of  CATCHER IN
THE RYE or CAPTAIN MARVEL or your reimagining of SEAQUEST DSV:  "Loser,"
"geek," "never been laid," "speaks fluent Klingon," "talentless
amateur," "moron," "loves Real Person Slash Fic," "Collects unicorn
statuettes,"  "Lives with his Mother," "Dimwit," and "Longs for the return
of the original BATTLESTAR GALACTICA."

All that said, I vaguely recall reading somewhere that John Irving gave a young director the rights to one of his books (perhaps A WIDOW FOR ONE YEAR or OWEN MEANY) based on an  screenplay adaptation of the novel that the film-maker wrote on spec to impress the novelist.  But that’s a unique situation and very different from what you’re proposing.

It’s Offensive

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I got this email today:

It’s = "It is."
Its = possessive

From your website:

"I’ve written here before about the unethically close relationship between
Writer’s Digest and it’s vanity press advertisers."

"The CW has leaked it’s fall schedule… and it doesn’t include EVERWOOD or
REBA."

Please stop offending your readers with such sloppiness and/or ignorance.

Very Truly Yours,
Pinky

It’s sloppiness. I know the rule, but I make the mistake anyway. It’s one of my many flaws. I also have a hard time spelling "marriage," "villain," "similar," "envelope," and "weird" correctly. But I don’t spend a lot of time proofing my blog posts (okay, none at all), so if you offend that easily, I suggest you visit my brother’s blog instead and make sure he’s using the term "fucktard" correctly.

Who Am I? The Sequel

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I got another email from Doug Mannington at Point of Impact today:

Greetings – I am looking to purchase 5 text link ads on neilgaiman.com/journal/

Each ad is two to three words in length and can be placed anywhere on your page as long as the ads are visible on the majority of pages on your website. I would be willing to pay for 3 months of advertising up front.

Would you be interested?

Looking forward to your response,

Doug

I replied to Doug that I’ve double checked my birth certificate, driver’s license and passport and I’m still pretty sure that I am not Neil Gaiman.  But I could be Pierce Brosnan.