#1 New York Times Bestselling Author & TV Producer
I got this email tonight.
In fact , It’s a great pleasure to me to send this letter especially for you
because I admired with your fantastic series which one of them like (( Martial law )) — please : contact with mbc tv and tell them to show your series (( martial law )) , call for me on number : XXXXXXXXXXXX in kuwait country – or send me on this e-email XXXXXX@hotmail.com as soon as possible thank you
I wonder if it’s too late to call Kuwait?
First there was the PublishAmerica scam, now comes another vanity press masquerading as a publisher. I got this email from a reader here:
Hi All, I was just ready to submit my novel (which took about 8
years to write) to PA. Boy, glad I did some reasearch first, Whew!Any ideas/comments about www.american-book.com before I submit?
So I checked the site out. The company is called American Book Publishing. They proudly proclaim:
We don’t abide by today’s conventional book publishers’ wisdom. We don’t conduct
business as usual, at least not in book publishing.
They certainly don’t. In their author submission guidelines, they say:
We provide our authors all the professional services of editors, book designers, and book publicists to ensure their success.
In other words, you ARE A CUSTOMER.
We may issue publishing contracts with offers of financial advances to authors who have been published and have already established their popularity.
Conventional publishers don’t work that way. When they say "we may issue publishing contracts with offers of financial advances," it means that their standard practice is that they don’t. But they will kindly make an exception if they can trade on your good name. How thoughtful of them.
We may issue publishing contracts to professional writers who have become accomplished in their writing career and the contract may neither offer an advance or request a deposit.
A deposit??? This should be your big, fat tip-off that this is a vanity press eager to take advantage of your desperation to be published. But just in case you missed that subtle clue, they go on to say…
We may issue publishing contracts to talented writers who have not been published before or become accomplished in their writing career, and this contract may request a one-time deposit of $780 that is returned to the author the first quarter after the book has been formally released.
Publishers pay you, you don’t pay them. Don’t let your desperation to be published blind you into throwing your money away on a vanity press trying to pass itself off as something else. Open your eyes!
If you want to be self-published, at least go to a company like iUniverse that doesn’t pretend to be something it isn’t.
I got this email today:
Hey Lee,
I just discovered your site and look forward to visiting it more often. I’m new to writing mysteries and wondered if you, by chance, are aware of any books that are a study of the mystery genre that utilize equations or diagrams when it comes to analyzing how mysteries work…I know
this is probably an esoteric request but I just thought I’d ask because when I study mysteries I tend to see the orchestration & plotting of the suspects and clues in an almost mathematical equation…is that a common approach to the structural part of mysteries?Anyway I know you’re a busy guy but I just thought I’d pick your brain with this question…all the best, Matthew
Um, I dunno, Matthew. But there’s a new series called NUMBERS premiering on CBS Sunday about a guy who uses math to solve crimes. Does that count?
I got this email today…
Hello,
I am a 21 year old aspiring model/actress/entertainer, my name is Melinda XYZ. My dream and goal is to
work in all different aspects of the entertainment industry. I have the attitude
and personality that it takes to make it in this industry.
I am fun, energetic, and a beautiful 21 year old female that has the drive to make it "big" in the entertainment industry. I am very comfortable in front of the camera and in of people!
I am really interested in working with you.
Could you please help me out. I know that you are busy but
I seem to keep ending up with the people contacting me only for "adult films"
and I dont want to put myself in that situation. Could you possibly help me
out a little – PLEASE..Stats:
Birthday: October 24, 1983
Eyes:
Hazel
Hair: Light Brown
Height: 5’3"
Weight: 102
Pants: 3
Bust:
34c
Waist: 22
Hips: 34
Shoe: 6.5
Size: 3Please feel free to contact me or my manager. My
numbers are;
Home: XXX-XXX-XXXX
Work: XXX-XXX-XXXX ext 2171 please feel free to call me at work any time. My address is XXXXXXXXXX. My manager’s address is XXXXXXXXXX. My email address is XXXXXXXXXX.
Gee, I can’t imagine why she’d only be getting offers from porn producers, can you?
Do you think it could be because her impersonal pitch reads like a singles ad… or worse, like one of those email come-ons from women inviting you to call them for some hot phone sex?
I don’t know what makes her think that junk mailing this pitch, packed with important details like her shoe size, will get her a job offer from anyone but a porn producer.
I wonder if her "manager" gave her this wonderful advice….
UPDATE (1/22/05) – I got this email today:
4 Cheating House Wife have been matched for you in your area:
1)
Danielle, 120 lbs, 5’9, 36c, 14 miles away, available Jan 15-17th
2) Emily,
128 lbs, 5’7, 36d, 11 miles away, available most week nights ( looking for
side-fling)
3) Hannah, 121 lbs, 5’8, 34b, 5 miles away, available Jan
13-17th
4) Melissa, 127 lbs, 5’8, 36c, 13 miles away, available most week
nights ( looking for side-fling)All 4 women are waiting to speak with
you live & have photos. Webcam’s are available for all 4.
I wonder if they want to be actresses too…
I received this email today.
Dear Sir,Did you like the 1993 movie Falling Down starring Michael Douglas? I’ve got
a screenplay Forty Plus about a computer operator who goes postal when the
mainframe computer is phased out.Forty Plus is also more than that; it is an action screenplay in the
tradition of The French Connection/Traffic/ To Live in Die in L.A with car
chases never before attempted on screen, a gun battle at the Seattle Airport
between a korean druglord, who peddles cocaine and metamphetamine from his
pharmacy in Koreatown, and his henchmen against Detective Sam Trout and the
police.Please let me know if you are interested in Forty Plus.Sincerely,
I replied:
I’m a writer. I don’t buy scripts, I write them. And you’re not going to sell yours by sending out blind emails to strangers.
You might wonder why I keep posting these emails — the ones where people try to peddle their scripts to me and I write them back and tell them I’m not interested.
I do it to embarrass them, of course.
Sounds cruel, doesn’t it? I hope so. Because I post a mere fraction of the "Buy My Script" solicitations I get each week. It’s pointless to send these queries to me (I’M NOT A MOVIE PRODUCER) and I’m hoping the prospect of ending up on my blog will get people to stop doing it.
UPDATE — It gets even better. A couple hours after I posted this, I got another email from the same fellow. Here it is:
Dear Mr. Goldberg,I don’t expect you to buy my script. I’ll be honest- my screenplay Forty
Plus needs polishing that only a professional writer like you can give it. You
may modify it any way you wish. I’m willing to give you exclusive rights to it
and you can be the first writer with me merely being listed as "based on an idea
by Robert Butler"- you can have 80% of the profits and I’ll have the rest. I’m
willing to sign anything you give me. Just ask yourself, does not the concept of
the story sound intriguing?- a korean druglord, Chung Ho Lee, who is a
pharmacist by day in Koreatown selling cocaine from his drugstore, by night he
is a druglord commanding an army of hitmen that do his bidding to wipe out the
competition and throw in a loose canon like Ben Rand, who goes postal when he
loses his job when the mainframe computer is phased out and they both are out on
a mission and their destination is the Seattle airport with Detective Sam Trout
hot on their trail.Please think about it.Sincerely,
Gee, I think I’m gonna pass. But you may feel free to take him up on his exciting offer.
UPDATE (1-14-05) – I sent Bob an email saying I wasn’t interested in his script and wishing him luck with it. Here’s his response:
You’re not interested- I’ve heard that song a million times. In other
words, you are not up to the challenge of producing something new, different and
controversial- just the standard by the numbers, status quo fare. Mr. Producer I
wish you the best of luck in your illustrious career! You obviously have an
active imagination.Good day sir.
Someone sent me the following "disclaimer" from the main page of the "Jesse Travis Angst Fanfiction Site." (Jesse is a character in Diagnosis Murder).
Disclaimer- The following fanfiction is the property of the author however the
characters and world of Diagnosis Murder do not unless stated otherwise, i.e.
original characters.
I find it amusing that the writer considers his fanfic "the property of the author", but he feels no qualms about pilfering someone else’s characters in his work. Amazing double-standard there, huh?
The site is, I’m told, just one part of Angst Fanfiction World of Sparkycola. I’m almost afraid to ask… what the heck is angst fanfiction? How is it different from hurt/comfort or a good spanking?
I received this note in my email box this morning.
I’m another writer who has been tinkering with a story about con artists. If you are telling a story from the perspective of the morally wrong person does there need to be justification (aside from money) for these people to do what they are doing?
Also… I want one of my main characters to be a bit quiet/precise with his words… what can I do to make him more interesting.Thank you for presenting your talents for questioning.
The answer to your first question is no. Beyond that, the best advice I can give you is to read some books that are from the pov of a "morally wrong person." Donald Westlake’s PARKER novels come immediately to mind, as well as Gary Disher’s
WYATT novels, Thomas Perry’s BUTCHERS BOY, Lawrence Block’s HITMAN, and Barry Eisler’s RAIN series, to name just a few. You might also look at Dan J. Marlowe’s THE NAME OF THE GAME IS DEATH and Jim Thompson’s THE GRIFTERS (the basis for the movie the same name, screenplay by Donald Westlake).
As for your second question, I can’t answer that. It’s up to you, my friend. That’s what being a writer is all about.
I received the following email this morning. I’ve deleted the name and phone numbers, but otherwise I haven’t changed a thing…
My name is X, im am 16.
I have an idea of a drama tv show and I was want to sell it, so I was wondering
if you want it, or if you know a producer that will. My phone number is XYZ. Thank you so much.
If this was written by a 16-year-0ld, it doesn’t say much for the quality of education in our country…
I received this email today:
I read your blog frequently and am always interested in the TV/movie production insights you provide. I was also interested in your comments on TV private eyes. Now since you write a show that includes a doctor, perhaps you’d give us your thoughts on your fave TV doctor.They run the gamut from Dr. Kildare to Marcus Welby to Dr. Carter on ER with side shoots going off to Hawkeye Pierce and Trapper John, MD and the entire cast of "Scrubs".
Peter Tietjen
I like Dr. McCoy (Star Trek), Dr. Adams (Gunsmoke), Rafferty (Patrick McGoohan from the short-lived series "Rafferty"), and Dr. Greene on ER. I also like Hugh Laurie as Dr. House in the new Fox series.
What about the rest of you?
I received this email:
I’m looking for someone to work with to spice-up and sell shows with. If you are in
the area I’d love to get together and see if we could make something happen with
a few ideas I have.
I replied:
Thanks, but no thanks. I’ve got plenty of ideas… and I’m busy enough just
trying to sell my own stuff. But I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors!
He replied:
You’re busy, I understand. Thanks anyway. If you could just tell me one thing…how do you promote your ideas? The
reason I ask is that from the people I’ve talked to, I mean, from what they’ve
told me, it’s wonder how any shows get made…I get this vision of a dog chasing
its tail.For example, A&E TV, the parent network for History Channel says, "we
do not review unsolicited submissions." Are they saying that they come up with
every show? Does a writer have to sell a production company on the idea who then
produces the show, show it at a festival in hopes that someone buys it? Or is
that whole "we do not review unsolicited submissions" stuff crap? What’s the
deal?
I replied:
First off, and no offense intended, but if you don’t already know the
answers to those questions, you probably aren’t experienced enough to be
pitching TV shows to networks now anyway.I have no idea how the non-fiction/reality show game is played. When it
comes to dramatic series, I recommend you read chapter 17, "Your Really Great
Idea for a TV Show," from my book SUCCESSFUL TELEVISION WRITING.