Where are the Characters?

James Hess asks:

Why is it programs like "Diagnosis Murder", "Monk", "Columbo", etc.,
which are based on memorable characters, are so few and far between? It
seems to me that if a network executive were honestly interested in
creating and producing a ratings winning series they would a) focus on
mysteries, b) focus on a character that appeals in an off-beat manner
to the masses, and c) is built on good writing.

For one thing, all the examples you cited skew very old in terms of audience demographics. (yes, even MONK).  While I happen to agree with your take on what makes a good show, procedurals are the rage now with audiences. In a procedural, it’s the procedure that’s the star, not the characters… which is why there can be three identical versions of CSI set in different cities. And why we have shows like MEDICAL INVESTIGATION,

But character isn’t missing from TV… there’s plenty of character in NYPD BLUE, THE SHIELD, LAW AND ORDER: SVU,  BOSTON LEGAL, THE SOPRANOS, WITHOUT A TRACE, etc. There just aren’t as many  single-lead mystery shows as there used to be.

There’s LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT. There’s MEDIUM. There’s HOUSE, MD.  And coming up, there’s BLIND JUSTICE.

What I think you’re really commenting on is how few quirky, light-hearted, whodunits with single leads. Now there’s only one, MONK… but Hallmark Channel is taking a crack at it with MACBRIDE, JANE DOE, and MYSTERY WOMAN. And USA is bringing back KOJAK. So the genre isn’t completely dead…

I Don’t Want to Find You An Agent, II

The guy who wrote the letter that prompted the previous post replied today.  He wanted me to read his script and, if I liked it, recommend him to my agent.  In a nutshell, I said I wouldn’t, and listed all the reasons why, concluding with this advice: Don’t send me your script, and don’t send it to any other
professional writer either. It’s a stupid idea
. Here’s his response:

Your use of the word
"professional" here implies that you regard me as an amateur. Your use of the
word "stupid" needs no comment. Well, it’s true that I’m not a professional
in the sense that I never got paid for my screenwriting up to now. However,
as I indicated in my (very polite) message to you, I have a long career
behind me as a journalist. I was hoping for a more mature response from you
on that basis alone — at least a response that does not belabor the obvious.

You’d think he would have put his journalism skills to use and a) read
my blog before emailing me and discovered  the many, many posts where I discuss the
pointlessness of sending your scripts and series ideas to me and b) he would have
researched the industry a bit and realized sending his script to a
screenwriter was not the best way to find an agent or break into the business.

Would you have been so patronizing if I had a name other than
Mohamed? Or if I was not a Canadian? Perhaps not. At any rate, your comments
are duly noted and I wish you continuing success with Diagnosis Murder
and whatever else it is that you do.

Ah yes, the last gasp of the desperate… the racism, sexism,  ageism, or xenophobia card. To be honest, I didn’t even notice his name or where he came from. I didn’t bother to read that part of his original email since I had absolutely no intention of contacting him about his screenplays. But you’ll notice that rather than learn from his mistake, and accept that his proposal  might have been wrong-headed, he has to flail around for some other, hidden reason that I won’t read his scripts. With an attitude like that, it’s not surprising to me he’s been entering his scripts into competitions for five years instead of selling them.

I Don’t Want To Find You An Agent

I got an email today from a guy who says he’s been writing scripts and entering competitions for the last five years, ever since he got his MFA from York Univeristy in Toronto.  He can’t get seem to get any "reputable agents" to read his work.

I’m sure you can see where this is going. So here is my very presumptuous request: I’d like to send you one of my scripts. Read it when you have a moment — even if its a year from now. If you like it good, you can refer me to your agent. If you don’t, no harm, no foul.

I assure you that it will NOT be a waste of your time.

I get this request, oh, about 80 times a month. It makes no sense to me.  So, to all eighty of you getting ready to write me the same email next month, here’s why it’s a dumb idea to ask me to read your script and refer it to my agent.

1) I’m a writer, I’m trying to market and sell my own work, not yours

2)  It’s not my job to screen potential clients for my agent.  Finding clients is his job. I like to think he works for me rather than the other way around.  Besides, I want him spending his time on the phone getting me work, not looking for new clients who will divert his full attention from me, me, me.  (That’s not to say I haven’t recommended clients to my agent… I have,
many times. He’s even signed up a few. But they were close friends of
mine or people I’ve worked with and admire).

3)  I’m not a studio or network development executive. I don’t care if you’ve written a good script.  I’m not hiring writers. If I was, I’d hire myself.

4)  When I am looking for writers to hire on staff or invite in to pitch for episodic TV assignments, I only read writing samples that come through agents. Why?  Well, we said it best in our book, "Successful Television Writing" —

You probably think that’s because we’re a close-knit group of elitist jerks who want to horde all the money and opportunities for ourselves, and agents are just one more gigantic obstacle
we’ve come up with to keep you out.

You’re right. Sort of.

Agents are the first line of defense for us. They read through all the crap to find the very best people, the writers they can make a living on. And the only way an agent is going to make a living
is if his clients are talented, professional and will do a consistently good job for us, the producers.
The great thing about this system, for us, is that the agent has a real motivation to find the best writers out there, saving us the trouble. Because let’s face it, elitist jerks like us don’t want work any harder than we have to.

But agents do more than save us extra work. They also protect us. That doesn’t mean they’ll take a bullet for us or taste our food to make sure it isn’t poisoned. But they’ll make pretty sure we don’t get sued.

We’ll give you an example of what we’re talking about. Let’s say you sent us a script a month ago in which the hero of our show loses his memory. Then you turn on the TV this week, and what
do you see on our show? A story about the hero losing his memory. You’re going to think we stole it and sue our asses.

There are a lot of similar themes in stories being developed all the time, and a television professional, will understand that. A professional will also understand that the development process is much longer than a month, and that our script was probably written long before yours showed up in the mail. And a
professional will figure that we’ve probably been pitched fifty amnesia stories, because it’s a terrible cliche, right up there with evil doubles and the return of long-lost siblings, that’s eventually done on every show.

But without an agent representing you, and vouching for you, we have no assurance that you are, indeed, a professional.

Which leads me to my next point.  5) I don’t want to read your script because I may be working on something similar.  I don’t want to get accused of stealing your ideas.

So no, don’t send me your script. Don’t try to send it to any other professional writer, either.  It’s a stupid idea.

The Mail They Get

If you’ve enjoyed reading some of the idiotic mail I get, you ought to visit Query Letters I Love, a new blog filled with the letters a Hollywood exec has received from people trying to sell their inept screenplays.

Here’s my favorite:

“Ducks, the Killer Breed” tells the story of some harmless ducks that
are transformed into blood-thirsty fowl by radiation from a meteorite
that lands on their barn.

Imagine you are a 10 year old boy who
lives on a farm and owns some ducks. Now imagine that one night a
meteorite crashes into the barn, bathing the ducks in radiation from
outer space. What would you do when you awoke to find that your pet
ducks had become bloodthirsty fiends?

Note to the reader: lest you find the idea of scary ducks laughable, I
should specify that as a result of being irradiated, these ducks have
grown fangs in their bills. Also, their droppings are acid, and will
melt anything they land on."

(Thanks to Sarah Weinman for tipping me off about the blog).

Translation please?

I got this email tonight.

In fact , It’s a great pleasure to me to send this letter especially for you
because I admired with your fantastic series which one of them like (( Martial law )) — please : contact with mbc tv and tell them to show your series (( martial law )) , call for me on number : XXXXXXXXXXXX  in kuwait country – or send me on this e-email XXXXXX@hotmail.com as soon as possible          thank you

I wonder if it’s too late to call Kuwait?

Another Publishing Scam…they just keep coming, don’t they?

First there was the PublishAmerica scam, now comes another vanity press masquerading as a publisher. I got this email from a reader here:

Hi All, I was just ready to submit my novel (which took about 8
years to write) to PA. Boy, glad I did some reasearch first, Whew!

Any ideas/comments about www.american-book.com before I submit?

So I checked the site out. The company is called American Book Publishing. They proudly proclaim:

We don’t abide by today’s conventional book publishers’ wisdom. We don’t conduct
business as usual, at least not in book publishing.

They certainly don’t.  In their author submission guidelines, they say:

We provide our authors all the professional services of editors, book designers, and book publicists to ensure their success.

In other words, you ARE A CUSTOMER.

We may issue publishing contracts with offers of financial advances to authors who have been published and have already established their popularity.

Conventional publishers don’t work that way. When they say "we may issue publishing contracts with offers of financial advances," it means that their standard practice is that  they don’t. But they will kindly make an exception if they can trade on your  good name.  How thoughtful of them.

We may issue publishing contracts to professional writers who have become accomplished in their writing career and the contract may neither offer an advance or request a deposit.

A deposit??? This should be your big, fat tip-off that this is a vanity press eager to take advantage of your desperation to be published.  But just in case you missed that subtle clue, they go on to say…

We may issue publishing contracts to talented writers who have not been published before or become accomplished in their writing career, and this contract may request a one-time deposit of $780 that is returned to the author the first quarter after the book has been formally released.

Publishers pay you, you don’t pay them. Don’t let your desperation to be published blind you into throwing your money away on a vanity press trying to  pass itself off as something else. Open your eyes!

If you want to be self-published, at least go to a company like iUniverse that doesn’t pretend to be something it isn’t.

2 + 2 = DEAD

I got this email today:

Hey Lee,

I just discovered your site and look forward to visiting it more often. I’m new to writing mysteries and wondered if you, by chance, are aware of any books that are a study of the mystery genre that utilize equations or diagrams when it comes to analyzing how mysteries work…I know
this is probably an esoteric request but I just thought I’d ask because when I study mysteries I tend to see the orchestration & plotting of the  suspects and clues in an almost mathematical equation…is that a common  approach to the structural part of mysteries?

Anyway I know you’re a  busy guy but I just thought I’d pick your brain with this question…all the  best, Matthew

Um, I dunno, Matthew. But there’s a new series called NUMBERS premiering on CBS Sunday about a guy who uses math to solve crimes. Does that count?

How Not To Make it Big in Hollywood

I got this email today…

Hello,
I am a 21 year old aspiring model/actress/entertainer, my name is  Melinda XYZ. My dream and goal is to
work in all different aspects of the entertainment industry. I have the attitude
and personality that it takes to make it in this industry.
I am fun, energetic, and a beautiful 21 year old female that has the drive to make it "big" in the entertainment industry. I am very comfortable in front of the camera and in of people!
I am really interested in working with you.
Could you please help me out. I know that you are busy but
I seem to keep ending up with the people contacting me only for "adult films"
and I dont want to put myself in that situation. Could you possibly help me
out a little – PLEASE..

Stats:
Birthday: October 24, 1983
Eyes:
Hazel
Hair: Light Brown
Height: 5’3"
Weight: 102
Pants: 3
Bust:
34c
Waist: 22
Hips: 34
Shoe: 6.5
Size: 3
 
Please feel free to contact me or my manager. My
numbers are;
Home: XXX-XXX-XXXX
Work: XXX-XXX-XXXX ext 2171 please feel free to call me at work any time. My address is XXXXXXXXXX. My manager’s address is XXXXXXXXXX. My email address is XXXXXXXXXX.

Gee, I can’t imagine  why she’d only be getting offers from porn producers, can you?

Do you think it could be because her impersonal pitch reads like a singles ad… or worse, like one of those email come-ons from women inviting you to call them for some hot phone sex?

I don’t know what makes her think that junk mailing this pitch, packed with important details like her shoe size, will get her a job offer from anyone but a porn producer.

I wonder if her "manager" gave her this wonderful advice….

UPDATE (1/22/05) – I got this email today:

4 Cheating House Wife have been matched for you in your area:

1)
Danielle, 120 lbs, 5’9, 36c, 14 miles away, available Jan 15-17th
2) Emily,
128 lbs, 5’7, 36d, 11 miles away, available most week nights ( looking for
side-fling)
3) Hannah, 121 lbs, 5’8, 34b, 5 miles away, available Jan
13-17th
4) Melissa, 127 lbs, 5’8, 36c, 13 miles away, available most week
nights ( looking for side-fling)

All 4 women are waiting to speak with
you live & have photos. Webcam’s are available for all 4.

I wonder if they want to be actresses too…

How Not To Sell a Movie

I received this email today.

Dear Sir,
Did you like the 1993 movie Falling Down starring Michael Douglas? I’ve got
a screenplay Forty Plus about a computer operator who goes postal when the
mainframe computer is phased out.
Forty Plus is also more than that; it is an action screenplay in the
tradition of The French Connection/Traffic/ To Live in Die in L.A with car
chases never before attempted on screen, a gun battle at the Seattle Airport
between a korean druglord, who peddles cocaine and metamphetamine from his
pharmacy in Koreatown, and his henchmen against Detective Sam Trout and the
police.
Please let me know if you are interested in Forty Plus.
Sincerely,

I replied:

I’m a writer. I don’t buy scripts, I write them. And you’re not going to sell yours by sending out blind emails to strangers.

You might wonder why I keep posting these emails — the ones where people try to peddle their scripts to me and I write them back and tell them I’m not interested.
I do it to embarrass them, of course.
Sounds cruel, doesn’t it? I hope so. Because I post a mere fraction of the "Buy My Script" solicitations I get each week. It’s pointless to send these queries to me (I’M NOT A MOVIE PRODUCER) and I’m hoping the prospect of ending up on my blog will get people to stop doing it.

UPDATE  —  It gets even better. A couple hours after I posted this, I got another email from the same fellow. Here it is:

Dear Mr. Goldberg,
I don’t expect you to buy my script. I’ll be honest- my screenplay Forty
Plus needs polishing that only a professional writer like you can give it. You
may modify it any way you wish. I’m willing to give you exclusive rights to it
and you can be the first writer with me merely being listed as "based on an idea
by Robert Butler"- you can have 80% of the profits and I’ll have the rest. I’m
willing to sign anything you give me. Just ask yourself, does not the concept of
the story sound intriguing?- a korean druglord, Chung Ho Lee, who is a
pharmacist by day in Koreatown selling cocaine from his drugstore, by night he
is a druglord commanding an army of hitmen that do his bidding to wipe out the
competition and throw in a loose canon like Ben Rand, who goes postal when he
loses his job when the mainframe computer is phased out and they both are out on
a mission and their destination is the Seattle airport with Detective Sam Trout
hot on their trail.
Please think about it.
Sincerely,

Gee, I think I’m gonna pass. But you may feel free to take him up on his exciting offer.

UPDATE (1-14-05) –  I sent Bob an email saying I wasn’t interested in his script and wishing him luck with it. Here’s his response:

You’re not interested- I’ve heard that song a million times. In other
words, you are not up to the challenge of producing something new, different and
controversial- just the standard by the numbers, status quo fare. Mr. Producer I
wish you the best of luck in your illustrious career! You obviously have an
active imagination.
Good day sir.

 

Angst Fanfic

Someone sent me the following "disclaimer" from the main page of the "Jesse Travis Angst Fanfiction Site." (Jesse is a character in Diagnosis Murder).

Disclaimer- The following fanfiction is the property of the author however the
characters and world of Diagnosis Murder do not unless stated otherwise, i.e.
original characters.

I find it amusing that the writer considers his fanfic "the property of the author", but he feels no qualms about pilfering someone else’s characters in his work. Amazing double-standard there, huh?

The site is, I’m told, just one part of  Angst Fanfiction World of Sparkycola.  I’m almost afraid to ask… what the heck is angst fanfiction? How is it different from hurt/comfort or a good spanking?