The Mail I Get

The Mail I Get

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I received this from an aspiring writer:

Sorry, but I just got taken at PublishAmerica because I was stupid and then I read your blog or whatever they call it. Would you please advise me how you got into publishing your books if not indie? Your publisher is Penguin and that's a high profile publisher but what about us little guys/girls who can't get their foot in the door. I wish you would mentor people because I have almost given up on being published, well I did have something in Playgirl about twelve years ago but that doesn't count because it was on a dare from a friend. My favorite Mr. Monk book is Mr. Monk in Outer Space if that helps grease the palm. Thank and have a great day. Carolyn

It's insanely easy now…so easy, that I have no sympathy for anyone who gets taken by obvious scams like PublishAmerica. 

You can get your book onto Amazon and the Kindle — worldwide! —and onto Barnes & Noble and the Nook for free. Yes, for free.  So besides your professionally copyedited manuscript, here is what you need:

1. A cover for your book. You can design one yourself, have a friend do it, or go to any number of talented cover designers out there.

2. Your book, in Word format, formatted into .prc and .epub formats (those are the files used by the Kindle and the Nook) and PDF (the file used for the trade paperbacks published for FREE by CreateSpace and Lulu). You should leave the formatting of your books to the experts or you'll regret it later.

3. Everything you need to know about uploading your books to Amazon you can find here. Everything you need to know about uploading your books to B&N you can find here 

4. Or you can skip steps 2&3 and go to www.Smashwords.com, which will do all of that for you in exchange for a percentage of your sales. I don't recommend that, however, since their automated formatting often makes your book look funky and ultimately that costs you sales. You will, however, need to use Smashwords to get onto the Kobo, Sony, and iPad ebook platforms…and for that, you will need a specially formatted Word file, from a professional formatter, that will cut down on the number of formatting errors Smashwords would otherwise create.

5. To create a trade paperback edition of your book, I would use CreateSpace,a print-on-demand service owned by Amazon. It will cost you nothing…CreateSpace takes their cut from each sale you make. If you let your cover artist and your formatter know that you also want to do a paperback edition, they can give you the special PDF files of the cover and the interior that you will need to upload to CreateSpace to do that.

The Mail I Get

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Whenever a new MONK book comes out, I get swamped with lots of mail from fans. Most of it is very kind and I love to get it. But I also get some like these:

i love your books and really want to read them, but my libary's stock of your books are out. any ideas? But if you want to be really nice, you would mail a hardcover copy of your latest book to:
XYZ 
Edison, NJ 08817 

Here's another:

Mr. Goldberg – I am a Monk fan and I love your books. However, you really go too far sometimes with his idiosyncracies. With the pestilence and world destruction when he sees a crack in the sidewalk type of thing. It's really far above and beyond his behavior on screen, and makes for a bad read. I usually have to skip over all those areas, and I find those silly discussions clutter the books and detract from the reading experience. Otherwise, the books are very entertaining. 

And another:

My mother loves your books and gets them from the library all the time. I told her I knew you so please send her a signed copy by March 1 because that is her birthday. Here is her address: XYZ Sign it with your full name and say something clever (You can come up with that on your own). I would like to meet you some day because you are so funny.

 

The Mail I Get

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I got this urgent email today. The subject heading was "Very Important Message.': 

Lee, I know you don't know me as well as I don't know you either and you can e-mail me here at this address : XYZ . I just want to ask you how soon can you e-mail me because I have something I really need to ask you and it's very important. It's your show of Diagnosis Murder : The Sins of the Father. What I'm asking you for is the whole summary plot of the second part of the show. Lee, I'm sorry I put this message in here first before I introduced myself, I'm sorry Lee I apologise. Hello, My name is Christopher XYZ and I'd really like to hear from you as soon as possible. I would like to hear back from you about this matter. Lee, Have a yourself a great and wonderful evening. And may God bless you and your whole family with his love and grants you with all of his peace ! Have all of yourselves a Blessed and joyful Christmas ! I look forward to hearing from really soon.

 

I'd left Diagnosis Murder before the "Sins of the Father" episode came along. But I immediately grasped the urgency of the situation and knew that I should probably drop everything I was doing, screen the episode, and write a detailed, minute-by-minute summary for Christopher as soon as humanly possible. Lives could be at stake.

Instead, being  lazy and irresponsible, I googled the episode, found a summary, and sent the guy the link, all in about two minutes. I spent another minute on this grave matter and found the entire episode on YouTube and sent him the link to that as well.

But this left me with a Very Important Message of my own for Christopher…

Have you ever heard of Google?

The Mail I Get

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Matt-on-Madeline-IslandMost of the time, I use this regular feature of my blog to make fun of people who send me really stupid emails or solicitations. Or I use it to answer a good question someone has about publishing or screenwriting. This time it's different. Apparently, I've inspired a very talented writer to hatch an insane scheme. Here's an email I got from author Matt Forbeck:

Just wanted to let you know how you helped inspire me to set off on an insane plan for next year called 12 for '12, in which I plan to write (and then self-publish) a novel a month for the entirety of 2012. I've been sitting on the fence about this for a while, but watching your progress toward self-publishing has been nudging me off.

It finally took the emergence of Kickstarter to shove me over. I set up a drive to help fund the first trilogy of books by taking pre-orders for them. It's going well so far, and I'm looking forward to one hell of a ride for the rest of the year.

Anyhow, thanks again for advocating for authors looking out for themselves and trying new things.

Clearly, Matt is crazy. But maybe it's a healthy insanity, if there is such a thing. I can't imagine writing 12 novels in 12 months by myself ( the Dead Man monthly series that I'm doing with Amazon's 47North imprint is being written with a dozen other writers). 

Matt has already raised over $6000 on Kickstarter, which is more than most publishers are offering as advances these days, so he maybe he is really on to something. And considering how prolific and versatile he is, if any writer can pull this off, it's him.

The Mail I Get

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The clueless desperation of some aspiring writers is absolutely cringe-inducing. Here's a recent example from my emailbox:

Hi…I know you are busy…but…would you at least read my bio with a very short paragraph from my novel and give me some suggestion on how to have an agent read something? Please…I am not asking you a lot…I've attached my bio, and if you are interested…please…would you give it to your agent for me? Thank you for taking the time to read.

I politely declined to read her bio or the sample from her book. She didn't take the hint. A short time later she wrote back to me:

Hi Lee, I apologize for bothering you again.. I remember you told me that you didn't want to read my book…but I was wondering if you could give it to your agent to read… It's really important, my true story and I really believe it's a very good one…have a look at my blog at least to be sure I'm good…would you do that?

No, I told her, I would not.

What makes people think that I routinely forward work by strangers to my agent? I don't want my agent spending his time reading work by strangers. I want him out there finding work for me!  

That's not to say I haven't referred writers to my agent. I have. But they have always been good friends or students of mine that I know well and who I can vouch for as writers and as great human beings.  I have never referred strangers to my agent and never will. So don't ask.

The Mail I Get

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I received this email this morning. I have removed the author’s last name to spare him embarrassment. 

Hello,

My name is Sean L.

I discovered you through J.A. Konrath’s blog.

Basically, I’m just getting into the world of self-publishing. I’ve recently published my first ebook through the Kindle and I’m looking for ways to get my name out there to the masses.

If you’re interested in helping me, I have a few ideas.

Thank you for your time!

Regards,

Sean

Here is the reply that I just sent him:

I am so glad that you have some ideas to help me get your name out there to the masses, because I am stumped.

I set everything aside that I was doing this morning, including writing my book that’s due on Nov. 1 and my efforts to publicize Amazon/47North’s launch of the “Dead Man” series this week, to put some serious thought into how to make you a success, and my mind was just a blank. Maybe that’s because you’re a complete stranger to me, but that’s no excuse for my lack of inspiration.

This is so incredibly frustrating for me since I know how important reaching the masses is for you. But rest assured, I will be devoting the day, if not the entire month, perhaps even the remaining days of my life, to this important task, so please forward to me as soon as humanly possible your  ideas on how I can best promote you.

Lee

His response:

So…..no then?

He may be clueless, but at least he has a sense of humor.

The Mail I Get

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I got this email from Mark Sanders, a MONK fan.

I enjoy watching the reruns of Monk and reading your book, Mr. Monk and The Dirty Cop.   Though the personality Natalie had in the book, seemed more like Sharona.   It was a good read, however, I don't think I would have paid the $22.00 cover price.    I got it on sell for $5.00.

I replied:

I'm so glad that you were able to find my book at a bargain price. Of course, that means we'll have to eat beans this week… 

The Mail I Get – Review Bot Edition

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I have been getting a lot of  book review requests that I assume are generated by some kind of "review bot" that has mined my name from Amazon. Here's an example:

Dear Lee Goldberg:

I got your name from the list of Amazon Top Reviewers. I’ve written a book, “When The Shadows Began To Dance.” I noticed from your Amazon profile that you frequently review spiritual fantasy books. If you think you might be interested in reading my book and posting an honest review of it on Amazon, I’ll gladly send a complimentary copy if you’ll reply with your postal mailing address. There is no obligation, of course.

Best Regards,

Yamaya Cruz

I have never reviewed a spiritual fantasy book in my life, Yamaya Cruz. So I don't know why you think I would like to read your book, Yamaya Cruz. I hope, Yamaya Cruz, that you didn't spend a lot of money on this ineffective mailing campaign.

I also don't review get-rich-quick books, though that didn't stop me from getting this:

 

Hello Lee:

I got your name from Amazon's list of Top Reviewers. I've written a book, "1-800-Awesome: Tactics for Making $10,000 an Hour" and I noticed from your Amazon profile that you frequently review a variety of book genres. I have read some of your reviews and found them to be thoughtful and well written and I value your opinion.

If you are interested in reviewing my book, please email back and I will send you a free PDF version.  I sincerely appreciate your help.

Thank you!

Chris Rugh

I'm sure Chris has never read one of my reviews. If he had, he'd know this is not a book that would ever appeal to me.  I would much rather read "1-800-Awesome:  Tactics For Not Getting Spammed for Reviews by Dimwit Authors."

Speaking of bots…

My brother Tod, who has been nominated for the Los Angeles Times Book Prize and has many published novels to his credit, recently got a solicitation from Kyle Oakeson, who is trying to raise money to fund a publishing  outfit called CentsPress. The email read, in part:

Hello, 

I found your information from your website/blog. I like your writing, and I thought I would inform you about an upcoming publishing company that I will be starting this year that can help you to make a little change for your work.

[…]CentsPress will be an online marketplace for hobby and novice writers, and it bridges the gap between unpublished or self-published authors and professional authors. Essentially, authors will be able to list an ebook on the website of either a short-story, poetry, or short drama–anything less than 32pgs. Once listed, the work becomes available for purchase by the world. But that's not the cool thing about what CentsPress does. CentsPress is designed around socializing with, tracking, and gathering important input from audiences. 

Right now I'm in the fundraising/financing business stage. I've started a crowd funding campaign online […]  I encourage you to go check it out. 

To which my brother replied:

Hi Kyle, 

I'm really glad you like my writing. What's your favorite part of my writing? Is it my hobby writing or my novice writing? It's important for me to know before I send you some money.
Tod
To which Kyle responded:
Tod,
Sorry about that, maybe you know of some writers who would take an interest in this project. Obviously it isn't for everyone–anyone who has already been published, like yourself, probably wouldn't take an interest in it…
-Kyle
Then why the hell did you send him your lame solicitation, Kyle? If this is any indication of your attention to detail, and how you will be running your publishing company, you are doomed to failure (but, having seen his pitch, I think he's pretty much doomed anyway).
It never ceases to amaze me how lazy and inept aspiring authors and publishers can be when trying to whip up attention for themselves. There isn't anything quite as lazy and inept as sending a solicitation to someone you claim to be familiar with and yet clearly know nothing about…  

 

 

The Mail I Get

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Apparently, as an author, I have an obligation to society to be a creative writing instructor and agent at large for anyone who has written a book. Here's an excerpt from an email I got today:

[…]I haven't been able to get my novel published.  Several notable editors and agents who have seen it were, in their rejections, very complimentary about the writing quality, the plot, etc., etc.  Maybe this was just professional courtesy, though it felt authentic.   I think they just didn't see massive commercial potential, or a referral from a big name.

I do think it's a good book and should be published. And I wonder what you think.

XYZ  is an off-off-beat detective novel. That is, I think it's off-beat in unusual ways, and "on beat" as well.  I hope you'll read it, send me your thoughts on it and, if you really love it or greatly respect it, volunteer an effective connection that could get it published or filmed. 

The manuscript of the novel is attached.

Keep in mind, this lady is a complete stranger. Here's how I replied:

Thank you for your note and your kind words. I'm afraid I just don't have time to read your book and give you comments. I have a novel due on Nov. 1, and I just signed a 12-book deal with Amazon that requires me to deliver a book-a-month. Yes, you read right, a book-a-month. I also do not feel comfortable reading books-in-progress by people who a) aren't close friends or family or b) students of mine in a class, so I have deleted your manuscript unread. I hope you understand.  

She did not. She fired back a one-line response.

It's not a book in progress. It's complete.

So I wrote her back:

Yes, I understand that. What I mean is, it's not a galley of a book that's about to be published. It's an unsold manuscript…and you want a critique, which I don't have the time to do. Nor is it my practice to read unpublished manuscripts sent to me by strangers.

Again, she still didn't get it. She replied:

That's not really what I was after. I don't need a critique.  But never mind. Thanks anyway.

No, that's exactly what she was after. In fact, she wanted that and more. She wanted me to stop what I am doing to read a book from a total stranger, evaluate it, and then pass it along to all the contacts I've made in publishing and film.

I've certainly done that before…the difference is, it's been for family, friends, or students of mine. People that I know, that I have a relationship with, personally or professionally. But who is this woman to me? Nobody.

It just astonishes me how incredibly presumptuous some people can be.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a manuscript to send to Stephen King that I'd like him read, give me his opinion on, and then send to his editor and his contacts at Dreamworks. We've never met, but that doesn't matter. He owes me. I've read some of his books.

The Mail I Get

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How not to solicit a review:

The digital galley proofs of my new biothriller XYZ are now ready for review. […]I am not requesting a complete review, just one to three sentences giving your general opinion of the novel. You probably won't need to read the entire book, just enough of it to to form some general impressions. Of course, if you prefer reading it all the way through in order to write a more complete review, please do.