Writing

Josh Olsen will not read your f–king script

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I know a lot of screenwriters who can sympathize with Josh Olsen, who wrote a column in the Village Voice about all the reasons why he “will not read your fucking script.” He writes, in part:

Which brings us to an ugly truth about many aspiring screenwriters: They think that screenwriting doesn’t actually require the ability to write, just the ability to come up with a cool story that would make a cool movie. Screenwriting is widely regarded as the easiest way to break into the movie business, because it doesn’t require any kind of training, skill or equipment. Everybody can write, right? And because they believe that, they don’t regard working screenwriters with any kind of real respect. They will hand you a piece of inept writing without a second thought, because you do not have to be a writer to be a screenwriter.

[…]What they want is a few tough notes to give the illusion of honesty, and then some pats on the head. What they want–always–is encouragement, even when they shouldn’t get any. Do you have any idea how hard it is to tell someone that they’ve spent a year wasting their time? Do you know how much blood and sweat goes into that criticism? Because you want to tell the truth, but you want to make absolutely certain that it comes across honestly and without cruelty. I did more rewrites on that fucking e-mail than I did on my last three studio projects.

I found this article especially timely since today I received over two dozen requests from complete strangers to read their scripts or listen to their great ideas for TV series. Here’s one I got just a few minutes ago from a stranger on Facebook:

I have a great idea for a TV series…oops, you’ve heard that a million times. But really I do. Can I send you the Treatment I have written and get some help pitching it?

The answer was no. I will not read scripts from strangers unless, of course, I am running a show and I’ve asked agents to send me samples to read for assignments, staff jobs, etc. But I will read scripts from my good friends…and I will occasionally ask them to return the favor. And I certainly will never, ever listen to a TV series idea from someone I don’t know…most of whom, of course, aren’t screenwriters, just someone who is convinced they are more clever than the thousands of professional writers, producers and directors who are pitching series to the networks every day.

UPDATE:  Within minutes after I told the stranger that I wouldn’t read his treatment or give him pitching advice, he wrote this in his Facebook update:

Sick of arrogant TV writers who write crap that we have to watch on TV.

and

I am talking about Lee Goldberg…what a f’n snob…and he sucks.

I wasn’t a fucking snob, and I didn’t suck, until I told him I wouldn’t read his treatment and help him pitch it. This reaction from him proves a point Josh Olsen made in his column:

I will not read your fucking script.
At this point, you should walk away, firm in your conviction that I’m a dick. But if you’re interested in growing as a human being and recognizing that it is, in fact, you who are the dick in this situation, please read on.

Yes. That’s right. I called you a dick. Because you created this situation. You put me in this spot where my only option is to acquiesce to your demands or be the bad guy. That, my friend, is the very definition of a dick move.

[…]You are not owed a read from a professional, even if you think you have an in, and even if you think it’s not a huge imposition. It’s not your choice to make. This needs to be clear–when you ask a professional for their take on your material, you’re not just asking them to take an hour or two out of their life, you’re asking them to give you–gratis–the acquired knowledge, insight, and skill of years of work. It is no different than asking your friend the house painter to paint your living room during his off hours.

.357 Flashback

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Cover Title Text Vigilante 4a I’ve created Kindle editions of my out-of-print, 1985 paperbacks .357 VIGILANTE #3 WHITE WASH and .357 VIGILANTE #4 KILLSTORM …but it will be another six or seven days before they’re “live” on Amazon.  

So in the meantime, I have posted the entire VIGILANTE series, in multiple e-book formats, on Smashwords and in PDF format on Scribd. Here are the links:

.357 Vigilante #1 by Ian Ludlow
Smashwords / Scribd

.357 Vigilante #2 Make Them Pay Smashwords / Scribd

.357 Vigilante #3 White Wash  Smashwords / Scribd

.357 Vigilante #4 Killstorm  Smashwords / Scribd

This is the first time KILLSTORM has been available anywhere on earth. Pinnacle Books, the original publisher of the .357 VIGILANTE series, went out-of-business on the eve of the book’s scheduled publication in 1986. Although the cover painting was completed, and the book was typeset, it never went to press. I couldn’t find a copy of the galley, so I scanned my original manuscript, written back in 1984 while I was still a UCLA student. It’s a relic from the past, full of dated references to the politics, culture, and technology of the time…not to mention all the cliches of the men’s action/adventure fiction that Pinnacle was churning out. But don’t let that stop you from buying it!

UPDATE 9-7-2009: It might be a little while longer before those two titles are available for the Kindle…Amazon has asked me to prove that I am, indeed, “Ian Ludlow,” and that I have the e-rights to the books. So I have to dig up my reversion of rights letter, which I got way back in 1995. I hope I can find it! I guess Amazon has really been stung by people uploading books that they don’t actually own…

Bronson’s Loose!

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BronsonlooseYou don't have to be a DEATH WISH fan — and I'm not — to enjoy BRONSON'S LOOSE! THE MAKING OF THE DEATH WISH FILMS, a highly entertaining and informative book about the making of the cult classic Charles Bronson vigilante film and its lesser (and inevitable) sequels. Author Paul Talbot has done a remarkable job, interviewing all the major players behind the development and production of the DEATH WISH movies (including Brian Garfield, the author of the original novel), and delivering a tight little book that is packed solid with fascinating details and wonderful anecdotes. I strongly recommend it to anyone interested in screenwriting and movie-making. It's a lot of fun to read. 

This is not a new book — it was self-published by Talbot in 2007 through iUniverse. I don't know if that's because it was rejected by every publisher in NY, or if he opted from the get-go to do it himself. Either way, it's a shame it wasn't picked up by a major publisher, its a book that deserves a wide distribution and critical recognition.

Pondering the Ponderosa and Steve Cannell

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I've been reading a bunch of TV and movie reference books lately, most of which have been a disappointment. 

There's a great book to be written about the writing and production of BONANZA, something akin to the brilliant and comprehensive GUNSMOKE: A COMPLETE HISTORY. Sadly, A REFERENCE GUIDE TO BONANZA by Bruce Leiby and Linda F. Lieby, now out in paperback, isn't it. A scant eight pages — eight pages!– are given to the creation, writing and production of the show. The bulk of the book is a workman-like episode guide to the 14 seasons and brief synopses of the TV movies, hardly worth the price of purchase. The only thing interesting and worthwhile about the book are the appendices listing various BONANZA merchandise, books, comics, and records. However, I wish the effort the authors put into gathering so much pointless information — like listing all the shows available on video featuring Tim Matheson — had been focused instead on giving us the definitive history of the show. Consider this a lost opportunity.

The same can be said of STEPHEN J. CANNELL TELEVISION PRODUCTIONS: A HISTORY OF ALL SERIES & PILOTS by Jon Abbott. While the book is far more substantive and detailed than the BONANZA book, it draws entirely on previously published articles and books. The author, based in the UK, doesn't appear to have actually interviewed anyone himself, either at Cannell or at studios or the networks that Cannell worked for. The one person he should have talked to, and didn't, was Steve Cannell, the subject of his book. That is a glaring and crippling fault, obvious in every chapter. The author tries to make-up for that major weakness by relying heavily on his own ponderous and uinformed commentary (often repetitive, obvious and pointless), his critical overview (often meaningless and ridiculously fannish) and his interpretation of events (often dead wrong). That was a big mistake. What is especially irritating is the author's tendancy to make an assumption, and then afterwards treat it as fact. For example, in the RICHIE BROCKLEMAN chapter, he writes:

"The intention may have originally been to introduce the aggravating Brockleman into THE ROCKFORD FILES as a semi-regular partner for Rockford (to take some of the pressure off Garner's aching back). Fortunately, reason prevailed, and the character was instead written into the 1976 pilot film before surfacing in a double-length 1978 episode of ROCKFORD."

Most of the Cannell series, even from his days at Universal, are given full chapters and sketchy (to the point of almost being useless) episode guides…but after UNSUB, for reasons not explained, only passing reference is given to TOP OF THE HILL, BOOKER, BROKEN BADGES, 100 LIVES OF BLACK JACK SAVAGE, PALACE GUARD, MISSING PERSONS, THE LAST PRECINCT, COBRA, STREET JUSTICE, HAWKEYE, MARKER and three of his all-time biggest hits, RENEGADE, THE COMMISH and SILK STALKINGS. Perhaps the author just wasn't able to get video tapes of those shows from his circle of collectors, who he thanks in his acknowledgments, which noticeably doesn't include the names of any people associated with Stephen J. Cannell Productions or his shows. It begs the question — why didn't he actually talk to anybody? I know many of these writers, producers and directors, and I can tell you, they aren't hard to find or unwilling to share their experiences. Maybe he couldn't afford the long-distance phone calls. 

All that said, there is a lot of useful information in the book and, since the definitive book on Cannell has yet to be written, this is not a bad place-holder until somebody writes it (hopefully, Cannell himself will do it some day!). 

The Case of the Piss Poor Gold

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Big_0911EQMM My “novelette”  The Case of the Piss Poor Gold appears in the November issue of Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine, which is shipping to subscribers now and will be available at newsstands across the country next week. The story is an excerpt from my upcoming novel MR. MONK IN TROUBLE and is a “standalone” mystery featuring Adrian Monk’s ancestor Artemis Monk, an assayer in the California gold rush town of Trouble in the 1840s.  

The book is set in the present day, but Adrian finds some startling similarities between the murder he’s solving now…and some of the cases Artemis investigated. The story in EQMM is about one of those cases.

I had a lot of fun writing the “Western Monk” stories in the book…but I couldn’t have pulled it off without help from western pros like Richard Wheeler and Ken Hodgson, who kindly answered my dumb questions and reviewed my rough draft. I hope you enjoy the story now and the book in December!

UPDATE: As if that wasn’t reason enough for me to pick up a dozen copies of the magazine, I just learned that there’s a rave review for MR. MONK AND THE DIRTY COP in the same issue. Jon Breen gives the book three out of four stars and says, in part: “As in the TV series, sharp character comedy combines with ingenious and fairly-clued puzzle-spinning. Don’t miss Lt. Disher’s hilariously non-sensical variation on Sherlock Holmes’ ‘eliminate the impossible’ dictum.”

.357 VIGILANTE is back…run for your lives

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51-ySSZcRjL._SS500_ .357 Vigilante, the first book in my long out-of-print paperback series, is now available in a Kindle edition.

I wrote it under the pseudonym "Ian Ludlow" (so I would be on the shelf next to Robert Ludlum) back when I was a college student in the 1980s. The movie rights were sold to New World Pictures…and my career as a screenwriter was born. Alas, the movie was never made. Here's the scoop on the book:

A Man Can Only Take So Much…Before He Takes Revenge.

.357 VIGILANTE

He lost a father, a friend, a whole way of life…now he's looking for justice down the barrel of a gun.

Brett Macklin was a freewheeling son of sunny California, a collector of vintage cars and a connoisseur of beautiful women. But when his father is gunned down by a street gang, Macklin becomes something else — a deadly weapon against crime. He won't stop until he's wiped out the rapists and killers who have turned Los Angeles into a war zone.

"As stunning as the report of a .357 Magnum, a dynamic premiere effort […] The Best New Paperback Series of the year!" West Coast Review of Books

The sequel, .357 Vigilante #2: Make Them Pay is also available on the Kindle….and will soon be followed by the other books in the series.

Writing Staffs Shrinking

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Variety reports what I've been hearing from TV writer friends for months…writing staffs are shrinking dramatically.

"I definitely feel as if there are (fewer) jobs out there," says Damon Lindelof, exec producer of ABC's LOST. "Whereas new shows from pilots that got picked up used to have 10 to 12 writers — that was the size of our staff in 2004 — we're just eight now.

[…]William Rotko, exec producer of the FBI-themed Patrick Swayze starrer THE BEAST, which finished its one-season run for A&E, says a confluence of events has altered the TV dynamic.

"I don't know if it's a combination of the recession and the prior writers' strike," he says. "They kind of landed one after another. After the writers' strike, it seemed this was going to happen anyway, but the recession sped up the process of reducing the size of the writers' room.

There are also fewer scripted shows than there were in the past. The major networks have all given up offering new, scripted fare on Saturdays, there's more reality shows than ever, and NBC has scrapped five hours of prime-time for Jay Leno's new show.

While cable has picked up some of the slack by producing original dramas, they are short orders with small staffs. It all adds up to the worst job market for TV writers than I have ever seen before. It's shocking to me how many of my friends…experienced, successful scribes, some with shelves of Emmy Awards… are out of work right now. 

Two Jews in Kentucky Part 5

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Here are some photos from the International Mystery Writers Festival…all taken by Bryan Leazenby. You can see more Festival photos here. The first photo below, taken after the Angie Awards show, is me with Sue Grafton. The second is David Breckman, writer/producer of MONK cleaining my podium with Lysol during the presentation.  The third photo is from the First Lady of Mystery dinner honoring Sue…I was the host for the event. That's me with Sue and Zev Buffman. And, finally, one more shot of me covered in BBQ at the opening of the Awards show (You can click on the photos for a larger view)

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Sweet News for Willeford Fans

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Variety reports that Neil LaBute will write and direct an adaptation of Charles Willeford's novel BURNT ORANGE HERESY. It's not Willeford's best novel, but I'm glad to see any of his work make it to the screen. Past adaptations have been a mixed bag… COCKFIGHTER and WOMAN CHASER were great, MIAMI BLUES was a major disappointment. 

Two Jews in Kentucky Part 4

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I had a lot of fun hosting the Angie Awards last night and, despite a few technical glitches, the audience seemed to enjoy it, too. I was stunned to pick up the Owensboro Messenger Inquirer this morning and see this splashed across five columns on the front page:

   Mystery festival’s stars praise event, Owensboro

Lee Goldberg, a writer for the TV show “Monk,” waves a rib while wearing a Moonlite Bar-B-Q Inn T-shirt on Sunday during the annual International Mystery Writers Festival’s Angie Awards ceremony in the Jody Berry Cabaret Theatre at the RiverPark Center. Photo by John Dunham, M-I

By Keith Lawrence, Messenger-Inquirer

Published: Monday, August 17, 2009 12:29 AM CDT

Voice actor Phil Proctor gave a ringing endorsement to Owensboro’s International Mystery Writers Festival in accepting his Angie Award for best featured actor in “Three Blind Mice” on Sunday night at the RiverPark Center.

“I love this festival,” Proctor told the dinner crowd in the center’s Jody Berry Cabaret Theatre. “I love this award. I want this festival to go on forever, and I’ll do everything in my power to see that it does.”

The third annual festival downsized because of the closing of the Executive Inn Rivermont — and the resulting hotel room shortage — and construction along the riverfront.

Instead of stage plays, it produced four radio plays by Agatha Christie — “Personal Call,” “Butter in a Lordly Dish,” “Three Blind Mice” and “Yellow Iris.”

“Personal Call,” a Christie work first performed on the BBC Radio Light Programme on May 31, 1954, won top honors at the festival.

The Angie Awards are named for actress Angela Lansbury, who was honored with the festival’s first First Lady of Mystery award in 2007.

Travis Estes, the center’s director of sales and marketing, said the festival drew more people than had originally been expected.

“We had to add seats for every performance,” he said. “There are still more people coming from out of town than from Owensboro, but the local audience picked up on the weekend from word of mouth.”

David Breckman, a writer, producer and director for the TV show “Monk,” wrote and directed a 10-minute film, “Murder in Kentucky,” during the festival.

“We would like to do more of that in the future,” Estes said. “The mystery genre attracts a more mature demographic, but the Hollywood component brings in younger people to the festival.”

Lee Goldberg, a writer for such shows as “Monk” and “Diagnosis Murder,” was master of ceremonies for the awards show.

He came out in a stained Moonlite Bar-B-Q Inn T-shirt carrying a plate of bones.

Owensboro and the RiverPark Center, Goldberg said, have become “a hotbed of mystery … a major force in the mystery field.”

“Oh, how beautiful,” Melinda Peterson said as she accepted her Angie for best featured actress. “How amazing, warm, kind and generous the people of Owensboro are.”

“I love this town,” Amy Walker said in accepting her award for best actress. “I fell in love with all of you last year.”

Gary Sandy, best known for his work on the TV series “WKRP in Cincinnati,” was named best actor.

“I was just knocked out by the radio guys two years ago,” he said. “May this last forever. To be a part of it is too much.”

Rupert Holmes’ “You’re the Thorn in my Side” was named best song of the festival.

David Ossman was named best director.

Novelist and Louisville native Sue Grafton was named First Lady of Mystery for her work as a novelist in the Kinsey Millhone mysteries — “A is for Alibi, “B is for Burglar”… .

Secretary of State Trey Grayson commissioned 10 people who have appeared at all three festivals as Kentucky Colonels.

Special Angies went to the city of Owensboro, Daviess Fiscal Court, line producer Judith Walcutt, Breckman, Goldberg and David Dial of WNIN-FM in Evansville, which has broadcast the radio plays.

“I think this is a unique thing that sets Owensboro apart,” Mayor Ron Payne said. “It puts us on the map and sells us as a culture center.”

“It looks like it’s been very successful,” Judge-Executive Reid Haire said. “It’s a shot in the arm for tourism and the arts in our community.”

The festival is the brainchild of Zev Buffman, RiverPark president, who produced more than 40 Broadway shows and 150 national tours of Broadway shows early in his career.

Winners List

These are the Angie Awards presented by the International Mystery Writers Festival at the RiverPark Center on Sunday night:

Best Play — “Personal Call”

Best Actor — Gary Sandy as James Brent in “Personal Call”

Best Actress — Amy Walker as Pam Brent in “Personal Call”

Best Featured Actor — Phil Proctor as Paravicini in “Three Blind Mice”

Best Featured Actress — Melinda Peterson as Mrs. Boyle in “Three Blind Mice”

Best Song — Rupert Holmes’ “You’re The Thorn in My Side”

Best Director — David Ossman


My wife saw it and said “I’m so glad you didn’t make a fool of yourself while you were there.” My daughter’s reaction: “Only people in Kentucky will see that, right? It’s not going to be in our newspaper is it?” Me, I loved it.