Dyke Van Dyke

I got this email today from Bradley. I’ve omitted his last name and the title of his show to protect him from  embarrassment. All the typos and errors are his:

Mr. Goldberg,

I’m an independent film producer in Texas. I recently came across your website through the IMDB. I am writing you to tell you about a television that am working on called "XYZ". The pilot episode is currently in early stages of pre-production, and after seeing other projects that you have worked on in the past, I would be very interested in talking to you about working on this show in some capacity, whether it be as a freelance writer, script consultant, or co-producer.

Dyke VanDyke is probably my favorite actor of all time, and even when creating the television version of the show, one of the reoccurring characters was written specifically for him. I’m not saying we
could get him to play the part, although he would be my first choice.

Let me jump in here. I’m writing to tell you about a television that am working on. Is Bradley repairing a television set or building one from scratch? Dyke VanDyke is probably my favorite actor of all time. I’m not familiar with Dyke Van Dyke, but I’m going to watch the next episode of THE L WORD and catch up with some of his/her work.

Okay, back to that letter.  It rambles on with details about the show he’s producing. He wraps things up with:

I the financing to produce the pilot in place, and I would really love to talk to you further about working with me on this show.

Did you ever actually work with Dick VanDyke? Were you ever on the set of the show, or
did you just work on a freelance basis? Do you know a good casting director that would have a way of presenting my offer to Mr. VanDyke?

If you are interested please let me know and I will send you the pilot script as a
PDF file this evening. I truly thing you will like it!

I the financing to produce the pilot in place… I truly thing you will like it. Bradley ought to get the financing in place to take a basic English course.  I the feeling he really needs it, don’t you thing?

What’s really bizarre about this email is that Bradley would like me to work on his show in just about any capacity I want but, as it turns out, he actually has no idea who I am or what I’ve done.

If he’d taken five minutes to browse my credits or visit my website, he’d know I was an executive producer of DIAGNOSIS MURDER and that yes, I’ve probably met Dick Van Dyke once or twice. (Or was he talking about  Dyke Van Dyke? I don’t think Bradley really wants to give Dyke Van Dyke a job on his pilot…since it’s a show about Christians exploring their faith as opposed to, say, butch lesbians exploring their inner manhood).

Bradley, if you’re reading this post, I’ve got some advice for you.  If you are going to send a professional a job offer/query it’s usually a good idea to:

a) Know something about the person you are writing to like, for instance, who they are and what they’ve done.
b) Don’t ask them stupid questions that reveal that you haven’t bothered to find out who they are and what they’ve done.
c) Don’t offer anyone a job unless you know who they are and what they’ve done.
d) When writing to a professional, it’s a good idea to spell check your letter/email so you don’t make a complete fool of yourself.

Thanks for the tempting offer, Bradley, but I think I’ll pass.

12 thoughts on “Dyke Van Dyke”

  1. I think this guy might actually be living a Dick Van Dyke slashfic story where he’s the, uh, slash. “Did you ever see Dick up close? Did you ever smell him? Did you ever cut a lock of his hair off? Did you ever stand so close to him you could feel the heat radiating off of the parts of his body normally covered by a swim suit?”

  2. C’mon, dude. You never heard of Dyke van Dyke? She was a legend in 90’s girl-girl porn. Who could forget her torrid shower scene in “Pumping Irene” with Korkme Coxx and Lena Labia?

  3. I feel a tiny bit sorry for poor Bradley. He obviously has some issues. He can’t use correct grammer, form sentances, read or get people’s names right. The world is against him as a struggling writer. Maybe he should consider a new career path.

  4. I think you should put Brad in touch with the immortal Tono, whose 15 minutes of infamy came courtesy of this blog a few months ago. With Brad and Tono pooling their intellectual capital, great “thinks” could happen.

  5. Actually, Bradley isn’t a struggling writer. He appears to be something of a young entrepreneur in the world of Christian entertainment, where he has had some success producing and cowriting a syndicated radio drama (aligned with ‘Focus on the Family’) and directing a movie. I saw the trailer for the movie on his website — the writing and acting are excruciating but it certainly looks professional.

  6. C’mon, Lee — it’s not like you’ve got a lot of other things on your plate right now. Also, think of all the poor screenwriters starving in China.

  7. The real Dyke Van Dyke lived in Queens, New York, where he sold furniture. Dyke crashed his car on the Van Wyck after lunch at Pho Van. His fiancee, Ars Van Arsdale, was a disciple of William Van den Huevel and a big fan of Dave Van Ronk. Ars Van Arsdale-Van Dyke later dated Bobby Van.

  8. Please, the poor boy merely made a spelling error. Bradley obviously meant to refer to ‘Dyke Van Dick’, the cult She/he actress who is best know for her series of late 1970’s porn films with cross dressing Dutch contortionist Art Finger.
    It’s called ‘GOOGLE’, people!


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