Law & Order: The Sitcom

by

In last night’s episode of LAW AND ORDER, Elizabeth Rohm left the cast after several seasons blandly portraying a junior prosecutor. The episode, of course, really had nothing to do with her character… they saved her exit for the tag. Most of the time, the cops or ADAs who leave LAW AND ORDER are shot or killed… so I was waiting for her to get plugged on the court house steps. Instead, they went for what will probably go down as the biggest, unintentional laugh of the season.

Law_and_order_1The D.A., played by Fred Dalton Thompson, calls her character into his office and, because she often lets emotion cloud her judgement, fires her. If they left it at that Donald Trump-esque moment, that would have been fine. Instead, they had to go one more beat…

"Is it because I’m a lesbian?" she asked.

The D.A says no, it’s not because you’re a lesbian. She sighs,
relieved, and says I’m glad,  and that was the end of the episode.

The throwaway line was a complete, and uproarious, nonsequitor. Her character’s sexuality, straight or gay, has never come up in all the years she’s been on the show. Nor have they discussed the sexuality of any other regular. So what was the point of the line?  It certainly didn’t come off as drama, that’s for sure. It came off as an unintentional joke.

Good News for Screenwriters Over Forty

by

Variety reports that Alvin Sargent, 74, has made a "seven figure deal" to write the screenplays for  SPIDERMAN 3 and SPIDERMAN 4.

The deal caps a spectacular second wind for Sargent, a two-time Oscar winner
who will turn 74 in April and has shown that well-honed character development
skills can make a veteran writer more valuable than the twentysomething
comicbook geeks who usually get these jobs.

Sargent, who began his writing career on television shows like "Route 66,"
won his Oscars for "Ordinary People" and "Julia" and was Oscar-nommed for "Paper
Moon." He is widely credited with whipping a problematic "Spider-Man 2" script
into shape, but he has evolved into the voice of the franchise, in much the same
way his peer Robert Towne has on the "Mission: Impossible" series.

Sargent got sole screen credit on the sequel but also did uncredited rewrite
work on the first film, which was penned by David Koepp.

How Not To Sell a Movie

by

I received this email today.

Dear Sir,
Did you like the 1993 movie Falling Down starring Michael Douglas? I’ve got
a screenplay Forty Plus about a computer operator who goes postal when the
mainframe computer is phased out.
Forty Plus is also more than that; it is an action screenplay in the
tradition of The French Connection/Traffic/ To Live in Die in L.A with car
chases never before attempted on screen, a gun battle at the Seattle Airport
between a korean druglord, who peddles cocaine and metamphetamine from his
pharmacy in Koreatown, and his henchmen against Detective Sam Trout and the
police.
Please let me know if you are interested in Forty Plus.
Sincerely,

I replied:

I’m a writer. I don’t buy scripts, I write them. And you’re not going to sell yours by sending out blind emails to strangers.

You might wonder why I keep posting these emails — the ones where people try to peddle their scripts to me and I write them back and tell them I’m not interested.
I do it to embarrass them, of course.
Sounds cruel, doesn’t it? I hope so. Because I post a mere fraction of the "Buy My Script" solicitations I get each week. It’s pointless to send these queries to me (I’M NOT A MOVIE PRODUCER) and I’m hoping the prospect of ending up on my blog will get people to stop doing it.

UPDATE  —  It gets even better. A couple hours after I posted this, I got another email from the same fellow. Here it is:

Dear Mr. Goldberg,
I don’t expect you to buy my script. I’ll be honest- my screenplay Forty
Plus needs polishing that only a professional writer like you can give it. You
may modify it any way you wish. I’m willing to give you exclusive rights to it
and you can be the first writer with me merely being listed as "based on an idea
by Robert Butler"- you can have 80% of the profits and I’ll have the rest. I’m
willing to sign anything you give me. Just ask yourself, does not the concept of
the story sound intriguing?- a korean druglord, Chung Ho Lee, who is a
pharmacist by day in Koreatown selling cocaine from his drugstore, by night he
is a druglord commanding an army of hitmen that do his bidding to wipe out the
competition and throw in a loose canon like Ben Rand, who goes postal when he
loses his job when the mainframe computer is phased out and they both are out on
a mission and their destination is the Seattle airport with Detective Sam Trout
hot on their trail.
Please think about it.
Sincerely,

Gee, I think I’m gonna pass. But you may feel free to take him up on his exciting offer.

UPDATE (1-14-05) –  I sent Bob an email saying I wasn’t interested in his script and wishing him luck with it. Here’s his response:

You’re not interested- I’ve heard that song a million times. In other
words, you are not up to the challenge of producing something new, different and
controversial- just the standard by the numbers, status quo fare. Mr. Producer I
wish you the best of luck in your illustrious career! You obviously have an
active imagination.
Good day sir.

 

Angst Fanfic

by

Someone sent me the following "disclaimer" from the main page of the "Jesse Travis Angst Fanfiction Site." (Jesse is a character in Diagnosis Murder).

Disclaimer- The following fanfiction is the property of the author however the
characters and world of Diagnosis Murder do not unless stated otherwise, i.e.
original characters.

I find it amusing that the writer considers his fanfic "the property of the author", but he feels no qualms about pilfering someone else’s characters in his work. Amazing double-standard there, huh?

The site is, I’m told, just one part of  Angst Fanfiction World of Sparkycola.  I’m almost afraid to ask… what the heck is angst fanfiction? How is it different from hurt/comfort or a good spanking? 

Author, Reread Thyself

by

In his enewsletter, mystery writer Michael Jecks talks about the constant juggling act that prolific writers have to perform.

Every time one book is ready to launch, I have to plan the next to be written.
And at the same time, of course, I’m receiving the next to be published so that
I can go through the copy editor’s notes. That’s why at any time of the year I
tend to be working on three different titles simultaneously, and it’s also why
authors should always reread their most recently published books before being
interviewed about them.

During a radio interview, the host asked him a specific plot question about his novel… and he couldn’t answer.

In the two years between writing the book and the interview, I had written The Merchant’s Partner, A Moorland Hanging, and
synopses for two more books. I had scarcely thought about The
Last Templar, beyond being glad that it was in print and selling well. I
couldn’t remember the names of the victims, the perpetrators, or the motives for
their crimes. It was a salutary experience, and one I won’t forget in a hurry.

I can see the same thing happening to me some day. I will be sure to follow his advice…

C’mon Get Happy!

by

My sisters Karen & Linda have a gripe.

Lee often quotes Tod in his blog but he rarely quotes either of us, his two really funny and talented sisters. However, we won’t harp on that because we don’t really talk about all that mystery shmistery stuff that his fans (or in some cases, his enemies) like to read.

That is about to change.  My sisters, my brother, and I all have new books coming out in November — Linda Woods & Karen Dinino’s  art book VISUAL CHRONICLES, Tod Goldberg’s short story collection SIMPLIFY, and my detective yarn THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE.  PartridgefamWe’re going to hit the road together, like the Partridge Family. I’m Keith, of course. Tod is Danny. Karen is Laurie. And Linda is Tracy.  We aren’t going to sing… but we’ll sign books, tell lies, and probably make an art project or two.

My art-minded sisters have also launched a new feature on their blog of interest to folks here.

We do know something about books, and in an effort to bind the 4 of us in the literary world, a new feature of this blog is born… Judging a Book by its Cover.

Be sure to check it out… and watch this space over the coming months for more news about my sisters and their first book.

Are Murder Mysteries Immoral?

by

There was a post today on DorothyL, the mystery digest,  that really bugged me.

My spouse and I recently had an argument about the morality of showing a
murder in every episode–the implication being that people, especially children, would take away the impression that the world is a violent and  menacing place. I countered with the argument that the show contains a  fundamental morality in the search to apprehend the evil-doers and bring them to justice. I think the same applies to writing murder mysteries.

The world is a violent and menacing place….and one murder-a-week on any TV series is a far cry from the number of murders that are actually committed in the United States each day. But beyond that, how could a murder mystery possibly be construed as immoral? It’s wrong to murder somebody… and that’s the basic assumption & message of every murder mystery ever written. 

That said, does that make Barry Eisler’s RAIN series, or Lawrence Block’s HITMAN series, or Thomas Perry’s BUTCHER BOY, or Donald Westlake’s PARKER books immoral to read and enjoy because the protagonists engage in immoral behavior?

This is the kind of neanderthal thinking that gets books banned… and leads to things like that English teacher who was castigated for asking high school students to write a murder mystery in her creative writing course.

Then again, a lot of folks on DorothyL also think MONK is offensive because it makes fun of someone with obsessive compulsive disorder.

Something More Pathetic Than Those Full Page Ads in Variety…

by

From Defamer:

JaywriterbillboardOtherpeoplesblogs
snaps a couple of pictures of this billboard (click on image to see larger view) physically located near the
intersection of Sunset and Highland, and metaphysically situated at the
intersection of "writerly desperation" and "too much money lying around."
Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to hire a dozen hookers wearing sandwich boards
detailing his pitch to camp out in front of NBC’s offices in Burbank?

The writer should meet up with those guys at the Colonial Fan Force.

 

Does Everyone Have A Book In Them?

by

…not according to my brother Tod, the literary novelist who teaches creative writing at UCLA Extension, among other places.

It’s hard for me to say that I teach creative writing because I firmly believe
that talent cannot be taught. Either you can string two words together or you
can’t, and what I am able to do is either provide direction or try to foster
talent in a particular way. There are tools, certainly, that a writer needs, but
I don’t prescribe to the idea that everyone has a novel inside them, just like I
don’t believe everyone has a brain surgeon or a plumber or a lawyer inside
them. 

He also talks about some of his experiences as a teacher.

There are three things I try to suss out the first night:

1. Who is the crazy person (there’s always, always one).

2. Who is the person who will disagree with everything I say.

3. Who is the person who will be offended by my constant use of the word
"fuck" as a place holder for my thoughts, as in, "It’s hard to say whether or
not a first present tense story about a woman with an imaginary friend who
commits murders while the main character is asleep, but only kills the people
the main character dreams of, will sell. I mean, it’s like, fuck.  You know?"