Not Enough Hurtin’

A DM fan clued me in to this amusing post about my book "The Waking Nightmare"  from the Diagnosis Murder message board on PAX, which I no longer frequent.  I think after reading this you’ll understand why.

I’ve come across others who feel that
the reason Lee Goldberg portrays Steve so horribly is a personal attack
on Barry Van Dyke.

friend of mine bought the Waking Nightmare. I don’t know if she plans
on buying another one. Lee Goldberg has Mark performing a feat that
would be impossible at Mark Sloan’s age. Steve could have probably done
it with his training.

What also gets me mad is that Lee Goldberg
has no problem having Mark get hurt numerous times, Jack and Jesse
once, but when I asked him to hurt Steve. He said that was stupid!

heard Steve gets slightly hurt in this one. But the damage is done.
More and more I’m finding people who are fed up with the way Steve is
treated in Lee Goldberg’s DM books.

Steve Hurt/Comfort Fan
Steve Angst Fan
Steve and Mark Relationship Fan
Steve and Ellen Fan

In deference to Betty, I’m going to hurt Steve in the next book. Any suggestions, folks,  on how he should be injured or maimed? 

19 thoughts on “Not Enough Hurtin’”

  1. I have a few suggestions, but they shouldn’t be taken seriously, it’s a joke**.
    1) Kill him off.
    2) He can get shot in the hiney, that’d be funny.
    3) He trips over his own feet and breaks a toe.
    Now I like Steve, and Jesse is my favourite. But why can’t people understand that Mark is the book? He is the series. He is Diagnosis Murder! Everyone else is just a by the way. Quit your whining children and stop being so narrow minded.
    1. Something said or done to evoke laughter or amusement, especially an amusing story with a punch line.
    2. A mischievous trick; a prank.
    3. An amusing or ludicrous incident or situation.
    4. Informal.
    a. Something not to be taken seriously; a triviality: The accident was no joke.
    b. An object of amusement or laughter; a laughingstock: His loud tie was the joke of the office.

  2. Is it just me, or do DM fanficcers really have no f***ing clue that they’re playing in someone else’s sandbox? No, really. Please. Direct me to the hurt/comfort and slash shelves at Barnes & Noble. Forget the Ben Franklin bio or MOBY DICK or the latest Pelecanos. I want REAL literature, baby! When’s Philip Roth going to do a Portnoy/Nathan Zuckerman slash? How about having Lehane write Bubba hurt/comfort* tome? Hey! Don’t Cussler, Clancy, and esp. Stuart Woods do Marty Stus (male Mary Sues) in their own original worlds? Sign me up, baby! I’m clearin’ the bookshelves! [/sarcasm]
    *Actually, a Bubba h/c story would be worth the money for the sheer comedic value, but I doubt Lehane would do it.

  3. You can’t go wrong with a speargun accident while undersea fishing. OTOH, after reading David’s comment above, I would second the idea of an impacted object in Steve’s rectum.

  4. I’ll bet you Betty weighs in at well over 200 pounds and hasn’t had a good fuck in ten years. Who else would get all hot and bothered at the thought of Barry Van Dyke getting his lashings? You better hope this crazy woman isn’t your kid’s fourth grade teacher…

  5. Sexually-repressed llamas are always good for personal injury.
    Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything.
    Stop looking at me like that.

  6. You’d think the title of the show would give them a clue as to who the main character is – Diagnosis Murder. Diagnosis. As in, something a doctor would do. Like, say, Dr Mark Sloan. If the show was called Deduction: Murder, then fair enough. These people are insane, and they must never, ever find out your home address…

  7. Let’s see, how about a high cholesterol count from all those bear claws he ate in “Waking Nightmare?” An impacted colon? If that’s all he’s been eating, that boy’s gonna need some roughage or he’ll be discussing his next case with Dad Elvis-style.
    “I’ve come across others who feel that the reason Lee Goldberg portrays Steve so horribly is a personal attack on Barry Van Dyke.”
    Four years is a long time to hold a grudge, Lee. Let it go.

  8. Ok, I’m about to walk a very fine line here.
    For me, Diagnosis Murder was always about the four characters. I loved seeing the four friends trying to gather clues and solve the mystery. And yes, it was always Mark who solved the crime, as it should be since he’s the main character. But with the help of his friends.
    I always liked Murder, She Wrote best when it was in Cabot Cove because we had the Sherrif (either one. I loved them both) and Doc to help her out. Their friendships were great as well.
    So, while the story is ultimate about Mark, it works best for me when all of them are around.
    Having said that, I don’t count how many times each character is hurt or how many lines they say. The books are fantastic because they capture the characters while telling great stories. As long as Lee keeps writing stuff like that, I’ll keep reading.

  9. I’m writing Steve exactly the same way we did when we wrote and produced the TV series. I don’t think I’m ridiculing the character or the actor who played him. I like Steve Sloan… I love the relationship he has with Mark, Jesse and Amanda. But hurt/comfort Betty, whose obsession with pain and suffering creeps me out, is right about one thing — I do focus a lot more on Mark than we did on the show. Dr. Mark Sloan was the center of the show and he is the hero of the books… it’s HIS face on the cover, after all.
    The fact is, the ONLY reason we relied on the supporting characters as much as we did on the show was because of Dick’s work schedule. But they were still *supporting characters.* The network would certainly have preferred a lot more of Mark Sloan and a lot less of the other characters. The network wouldn’t have cared have cared if we lost all the supporting characters as long as we still had Mark Sloan.

  10. Frakman,
    While I have no idea what Betty looks like, or what her love life is like… the pleasure she gets from the idea of characters being hurt and then comforted…and her unwillingness to understand why I won’t cater specifically to her narrow, and rather kinky desires, DOES give me the creeps. There’s an obvious sexual undercurrent to her hurt/comfort obsession… which is why it amuses me that she’s so bothered by “adult material without warning,” whatever *that* is. But if I want to torture Steve, preferably while he’s shirtless, and have all the other characters sobbing over his ordeal, she’d stand up and applaud and call it fine literature.
    Instead of satisfying her particular form of soft, S&M kink… I think I’ll cater instead to the tens of thousands of other people who are buying my books…and, of course, the ones who want me to have Mark and Steve wear women’s undergarments…and the folks who want me to add more scenes with the characters “grooming.”

  11. “I always liked Murder, She Wrote best when it was in Cabot Cove because we had the Sherrif (either one.”
    We? Are you a resident of Cabot Cove, Maine? I grew up in Maine but not the coves: Cabot and Crabapple. They’re fictional.

  12. It’s been brought to my attention that, as a former fanficcer, I’ve been unduly harsh on Betty. And what a bad fanficcer I was, what with indulging in character development and plots and other nonsense that hack writers like Lee usually employ, it’s a wonder I even managed to slip the surly bonds of OPS*.
    So, therefore, to make it up to Betty, mesa propose Lee has Steve horribly mangled by a chainsaw serial killer, losing three out of four limbs and another appendage of Lee’s choice. (He’s a creative guy. I’m sure he’ll make a great choice.) Mark can then comfort him while Jesse attaches bionic limbs and a cybernetic… um… whatever that other appendage was.
    Jim Winter
    Desperate Housewives meth party fan
    Jenna Jameson/Anything that moves fan
    Hagar the Horrible/Snoopy slash fanatic
    *Short for “Other People’s Sandboxes,” where one might dwell whilst figuring out what the hell they’re going to write when they grow up. (I figured it out, but the growing up part’s been a bit of a sticking point.)

  13. You know, it’s an amazing coincidence, but when I read that the guy who was attacked by chimps had his scrotum ripped off, I immediately thought of Steve Sloan!


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