Roald Dahl Would Be So Pleased

There’s nothing more complimentary to an author than fanfic…or so I am told by fanficcers. I can only imagine how flattered Roald Dahl would be by this Willy Wonka fanfic:

Salt and Mr Wonka had only been standing like that, caught in a
mutual stare, for a couple of seconds. It only felt like much longer
for both of them, and someone was bound to end it.

Willy did. “P…” he mouthed quite inaudibly, “p…” and then
helplessly slid to his knees before Mr Salt, embracing him like that.
Quite the picture of Hamlet in his renaissance bob and velvet coat he
tried to rest his chin against Mr Salt’s groin, which put his head
in a rather awkward angle due to the brim of his top hat being in the

(Thanks to Brad for the link)

15 thoughts on “Roald Dahl Would Be So Pleased”

  1. This is so wrong, in so many ways.
    There’s simply no excuse for even a single instance of the phrase “like that” to appear in a well-written piece, let alone to have it appear twice in two short paragraphs.
    In regards to the stare, why was “someone” bound to end it? Is there some third or fourth party in the scene who might dash in at any moment to separate the two main characters, or was the author simply referring to Mr. Salt and Mr. Wonka? If so, it would have been stronger to say “one of them was bound to end it,” although even this phrase should be self-evident unless the remainder of the story consists entirely of Mr. Salt’s and Mr. Wonka’s thoughts as they gaze into one another’s eyes and slowly starve to death.
    (An aside – why is he Mr. Wonka in one paragraph, and “Willy” in the next? Is this meant to be some sort of subliminal suggestion of the impending action?)
    The second paragraph is a train wreck. If Mr. Wonka is speaking, then say so. If he is mouthing his words, then it is superfluous to remind the reader that they would be inaudible.
    I doubt that Mr. Wonka “slid” to his knees; he might “sink to his knees,” “fall to his knees,” even “collapse to his knees,” but a normal bipedal human being is incapable of “sliding” to their knees unless they have been partially liquefied, and there’s nothing in this passage to suggest this.
    The sentence that begins “Quite the picture..” is incomplete; I would ask the author to please proofread their work before unleashing it upon the suffering reader.
    The final image isn’t clearly written; did Mr. Salt’s groin put Mr. Wonka’s head at an awkward angle, or did Mr. Wonka’s act of resting his chin against Mr. Salt’s groin do so?
    In summary, while the author is obviously familiar with the basics of homoerotic narrative, he or she needs to review the fundamentals of fiction. A strong viewpoint needs to be established and maintained. More attention should be paid to how the action affects the characters’ feelings, instead of simply describing a series of stage directions.
    I’d recommend that the author review any of Jack Bickham’s “How To” books for an introduction to the basics.
    I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have read beyond the first page, nor would I have held any desire to engage in a homosexual fantasy after reading this material.
    Not that I’m gay…and not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  2. Bob, I applaud you for dragging out your blue pen without gagging.
    Danny, I never thought it possible for a man to turn me off of chocolate. My jeans thank you.
    Lee. Oh Lee. Where would I find my Willy Wonka slash pron without you? You are a beacon in ‘The Pit’. Yes, even the “good fanficcers” [an oxymoronic term itself] think fanfiction dot net a ‘orrible, ‘orrible place.

  3. Hey –
    Here that whirring sound?
    That’s C.S. Lewis, in his grave, getting warmed up…

    Oh gosh, you had to remind me. Every time I think about Narnia fanfic and remember the movie, a little part of me dies inside.

  4. Well, it’s official. Lee cannot argue about how “evil” fanfics are with copyrights, theft, and weird threats to authors so he tries to attack then by listing the crappiest fanfics he can find.
    Bra-vo, mister Goldberg, great defence.

  5. I will admit that this does not shock me at all. While I only read Heterosexual fanfiction, and am not adverse to a little explicit content (provided it is tastefully done), anyone on knows of the slash stigma. Most of it is badly written drivel that forces two characters into a sexual situation despite justification and sexual orientation, but there are a few valid stories out there. I know of only one off-hand though, but I’m sure there are others. If you’re interested in learning everything there ever was to know about Badfic, Mary Sues, OOC-ness, and grammatical no-nos, check out It’s got to be the best site out there for cruelly mocking the aforementioned articles. No doubt you’ve already come across it if you’re as well-versed as you appear to be, but for those just checking out this blog, it’s an excellent resource.
    The only thing left to say is that the thing was a little off base, though not by much. We don’t claim copyright on the characters, we even put disclaimers on all the stories, but we do claim the plot. It’s original, and as originality is pretty rare online, it’s jealously guarded by those who possess it. Thanks for your time.
    ~Your Worshipfulness

  6. Wow, I thought this was just a blog for rants against badfic, but you’re against fan fiction in general. I must admit, I’ve never come across anyone who expressed that opinion until now. Of course, I frequent fan fiction sites, so that only makes sense. Sorry about the previous post then, I didn’t realize. This one may be more on-topic. After scrolling through the rest of the blog and reading a good deal of the first page, I must respectfully disagree.
    To borrow a previously used metaphor, would you take a busker singing a popular modern song and demand he pay up royalties for daring to spout lyrics that he did not write? Of course not, because he isn’t saying he owns the song, and neither are fan fiction writers. Forget the whole profit question; suppose a random person is singing as they do yard work. They are off-key and a different sex than the artist who wrote and sang the song originally. Thus, they are changing the song and singing lyrics they don’t own, without permission. That isn’t illegal, so why should fan fiction be? Is it because it is written down, and thus seems more permanent (and thus more dangerous) than a pedestrian humming ’Mmm Bop?’ I can accept the validity of some of your arguments, but I think mine also make sense. If I hear a friend humming a catchy tune, I might buy the CD that song is on. Likewise, if I’m reading fan fiction, I am often led into other genres and become interested in them. I begin watching the shows or buying the movies they’re based on. It seems like everybody wins.
    The only thing standing in the way of everybody being happy are the original authors, and really they have every right. They are more invested in their creation than we could ever be. They feel like they should have control over every aspect of their creation, but in reality that is impossible. A singer cannot prevent my friend from singing their song as she‘s driving down the road. Should a writer be able to do the same, and if you think so, why? What’s the difference? And if you can convince me of the illegality of it, can you also convince me that it is morally wrong as well? To me, something that borrows work and says explicitly that it isn’t theirs and isn’t as good as the original, seems okay. I write Willy Wonka fan fiction, not because I think it wasn’t good enough but because I thought it was SO good. I didn’t want the movie to end. Is it so wrong to want the story to continue?
    I know you think so, because you’re a professional writer. If someone wanted you to continue writing more books on a subject that you no longer felt inspired to write on, you wouldn’t feel compelled to do so, correct? But you object when another person says, “this is what he could have written if he’d continued” or “this is what I wish had happened.” When you look at fan fiction that way, it doesn’t look like it could hurt anyone. Why should the author’s feelings get hurt when we write about what we wanted to happen? I guess what it all comes down to is intent. We don’t intend to offend, but when you finally find a hobby you enjoy, it seems like such a waste to give it up unless there’s a really good reason. You haven’t given me one yet.

  7. “We don’t intend to offend, but when you finally find a hobby you enjoy, it seems like such a waste to give it up unless there’s a really good reason. You haven’t given me one yet.”
    That right there sums up the ethics of fan fiction in a neat little package.


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