Here’s an excerpt from “About Face,” the worst script that William Rabkin and I ever wrote…but before I share it with you, here’s the story behind it (which I originally shared on this blog back in July 2006)
We were working as supervising producers on the third season of SeaQuest, a scifi show about a phallic submarine exploring our oceans in the year 2032. We were a day into writing episode 14 when the series got cancelled. But studio and the network were still obligated to pay us for the script — the catch was that we actually had to write it if we wanted our money.
In other words, we had to write a script we knew would never be shot and that we were pretty certain nobody would ever read. But we weren’t about to walk away from $25,000.
So we wrote it in one day…while we were packing up our office. We amused ourselves by writing the worst scenes that we possibly could, reading them out loud to each other as we wrote. We turned in the script as we walked out the door and we assumed it would never be read.
To our horror, we were wrong.
We discovered years later that bootleg copies of this atrocity were showing up at science fiction conventions as one of the “lost episodes” of the final season. Some have even shown up on the Internet. It even became the basis for a fanfic story.
Okay, now here’s the excerpt. All you need to know to follow along is that Piccolo is a man with gills and Darwin is a talking dolphin (I’m not kidding).
EXT. SEAQUEST – CGI/STOCK
as it cruises through the sea.
INT. SEAQUEST – CAFETERIA
Lucas is at a table eating as Piccolo comes in.
PICCOLO
Hey, Lucas, what’s the blue plate special today? I’m starving.
LUCAS
Grilled trout.
PICCOLO
Nothing else?
LUCAS
Scrod casserole.
PICCOLO
Pass.
LUCAS
Wait – I thought you were starving.
PICCOLO
I just lost my appetite.
(re: Lucas’ plate:)
You’d think the Chef could be a bit more sensitive.
LUCAS
The presentation may not be great, but it tastes pretty good.
He holds out a fork of trout.
LUCAS
Here, have a bite.
Piccolo turns away, disgusted.
PICCOLO
Are you nuts? Why don’t you go offer Darwin some dolphin pate.
Suddenly Lucas understands.
LUCAS
Tony, you aren’t a fish.
PICCOLO
I have gills, Lucas. I may not be a fish, but it still feels like
cannibalism to me.
LUCAS
You’re a human being who happens to have gills, that’s different.
PICCOLO
If you could fly, believe me, chicken wouldn’t look very
appetizing.
LUCAS
Chickens don’t fly.
Piccolo glares at Lucas and walks out. Lucas smiles to himself.