The Mail I Get – Lame Pitches Edition

Direct-Mail1People are always hitting me up with lame pitches. Here’s one:

Hello sir Lee, how are you ? It’s a pleasure to write you and I’d like to ask you something that my future might be depend on.  I have up to 8 scripts.  I have done the pitch and synopsis of all but unfortunately I don’t have enough resource to do the screenplay of all but I did the most important part of the screenplay of one of them called American DictatorsAmerican Dictators is not a political movie.  It’s a comedy I’m which America will be ruled by dictators for the first time, the first lady has a little daughter and her daughter is so important for her up to spend 80 millions of dollars at her daughter’s birthday but one guy will try to overthrow in order to create a new world order.. .  I’d like to submit to centropolis but they told me to find an established agent.  Sir Lee I’d be very glad if you help me.

I wonder what you mean by “I did the most important part of the screenplay for one of them.” I’m assuming you mean the title page. I’m not clear what help you are looking for from me. Do you want me to complete your screenplay? Find you an agent? Whatever it is, the answer is NO…and that wail you hear is me, running away screaming.

Lee, I see that you are a TV Producer.  Would you have an interest in looking at my novel that  I recently self published on Amazon/Kindle?  It’s XYZ.  It has received excellent reviews from Kirkus Reviews.  Might work for a movie or TV Series?  I await your reply.

That’s not much of a pitch, is it? Why would anyone investigate further based on that lame query? I did, but only so I could ridicule you. The first thing I noticed is that the “excellent reviews from Kirkus Reviews” was actually one review from their paid review service, meaning you bought a positive notice. That screams desperation and, frankly, stupidity. And since you only have two reader reviews, both from “An Amazon Customer,” and your book is ranked in the millions, it tells me that no one has actually bought your book except, perhaps, you or two members of your family (a review that says only: “The best book I have ever read. I couldn’t put it down. I loved it” is a dead giveaway). I didn’t look at the sample because, frankly, there’s only so much punishment I’m willing to inflict upon myself for procrastinating. But I can tell you with absolute certainty that no, it won’t work as a TV series. Unless it’s on a network in hell.

3 thoughts on “The Mail I Get – Lame Pitches Edition”

  1. Dear Mister. Lea, I have a best scrnply idae U can produse. It’s about a tv produsr who gives a writer a milyon bucks so she can write a scrnply about whad happens necks, so if U do that 4 me, Ill write Thad scrnply and then we make tha movie. Pls x-suse the crayon, bud they wont lemme use a real pen or penzil, bud when meds kick in ill be all set to go! PS,,, I rely love thos books U wrot with Agatha Christi, they R my #1 FAVS!!!!! Lov & prozac, (name redacted)

  2. Hmmm. Had no idea you were knighted by the Queen or British. When pitching anything with prose I find spelling and grammar helpful. Lame, or otherwise.


    Sir Mark

  3. Hi Lee: Now that I have stopped laughing, I can see that neophyte’s in the writing life need to have a more intelligent game plan besides “make me famous and lots of money.” As a new writer, I am constantly searching for the best advice on developing a real plan. My work is historical fiction and it requires years of research to build a believable scenario at each stage of the story(ies). My WordPress blog led me to discovering your site and it has been enlightening. My blog is We all have to ‘pay our dues’ when pursuing any career. Success is always an option but not until those dues are paid creditably. Thanks so much. Best regards, Susan Thornburg


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