Every week, my brother Tod hilariously skewers Parade Magazine and the fucktards (and Parade staffers) who pose questions to Walter Scott. This week, though, Tod is at his best. Here’s my favorite part, which had me choking on my morning bagel:
As a child in the 1960s, I loved the novelty songs of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Are they still around?
It’s
hard to answer the question Jon Brown poses because it works on so many
different levels of consciousness. Are the songs still around? No, Jon,
the songs were stuffed into a time capsule and shot into space, which
is why you never hear them around Christmas anymore. And everyone knows
that once a song stops playing, well, it ceases to exist. Why, it’s
amazing the Star Spangled Banner has lasted so long, but I put that in
the hands of the Lord. You know what also no longer exists? Final
Countdown by Europe. Poof! It failed to exist. It’s no longer "around".
Same with Mickey by Toni Basil. The entire Blow Monkeys catalog.
Remember 99 Luftballons by Nena? Gone. No longer "around".And then the larger question: Does Jon actually mean Alvin
and the Chipmunks? Does Jon Brown of Natick, Mass, really think Alvin
and the Chipmunks are no longer "around"? Well, that would indicate
that Alvin and the Chipmunks ever, you know, existed. You see, Jon,
they were a cartoon. Louis Leakey discovered in 1975 that cartoons
weren’t, in fact, part of the hominid line and all the history books
had to be rewritten. C. Owen Lovejoy, in his landmark paper on the
subject, noted that cartoons were actually "[D]rawn by people working
in Burbank, California and have no relation to any known lines of human
evolution. In addition, it appears the Brown family of Natick, Mass. is
part of a forgotten link in the parade of humanity known as fucktardicine americanas."
Wow, I never realized that, you know, actual people wrote those questions. I figured they were where interns go to die.
Actually Europe’s “Final Countdown” still exists. It’s still being played in all of Scandinavia, though mainly for campy and ironic postmodernist purposes.
Juri, if I were a smartass, I’d note that the difference between gone forever and being played in Scandinavia for ironic postmodern purposes is minimal.
Well, the line is very thin. The Scandinavians are so postmodern that the song is being played on radio almost every day (especially now that 80’s pop-heavy is back with Lordi winning the Eurovision song contest). Everyone likes it here, but they wink knowingly at each other: “We’re being ironic here.”