The Whizzinator

From here on, actor Tom Sizemore’s nick-name should be whizzinator. Why? He failed a court-ordered drug test by trying to use a prosthetic penis, known commercially as "The Whizzinator," instead of his, um, own to fill the cup.Sizemore

Prosecutors told Judge Baretto that
Sizemore failed three drug tests in three days, the first after he was
caught using a fake penis sewn into his boxer shorts and filled with a
clean urine sample kept warm by a heating pack.

Carney said the ruse was revealed when the temperature of the
sample proved too cool to have come from Sizemore’s body, and he was
asked to remove his pants.

According to prosecutors, Sizemore had been caught once before
trying to use a similar device, sold over the Internet under the brand
name the Whizzinator, and had failed drug tests on at least five
occasions.

I wonder where the "clean urine" came from and what else he uses that prosthetic penis for.

 

The Truth About Publishing

Australian novelist Ian Irvine has written a fantastic article on the life of a book… from selling it to finding it amidst the stack of remainders at Barnes & Noble…and all the steps in-between.

The biggest problem for beginning fiction writers is that no one tells you how the system works. Becoming an author, and even
a successful one, is therefore a series of shocks as your assumptions are punctured one by one. So here, distilled from my
experiences with a dozen publishers all over the world, and conversations with many professional writers over the years, is the
truth about fiction publishing..

He also includes a very handy chart on how the royalties typically break down:

Shocked that the sales on your royalty statement don’t translate into
nearly as much money as you expected? Here’s what you can actually
expect to get, in your hand, for the sale of a single book in various
countries. It’s calculated on the pre-tax retail price, for typical
royalty rates, after your local agent has got her 15%, and your
overseas agent her percentage. If most of your foreign deals have been
done by your publisher, it’ll take around 20% agent’s fee. Sometimes,
eg for sales in Eastern Europe or Asia, there could be a local agent
involved as well, so after they’ve all got their share you’ll only end
up with 50-60% of the advances and the royalties earned. I’ve used the
current exchange rates (June ’04). If you sell enough copies to jump
into the higher royalty rate category, you’ll get more, of course. The
dramatic difference in your share of the overseas mass market editions
is due to lower price and/or royalty rates. In Australia you’ll
generally get 10%, in the UK and US more likely 7.5-8%.

Table 1: What you get in your hand after agents’ cuts, per book

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

COUNTRY   HARDCOVER**   TRADE PAPERBACK**   MASS MARKET PAPERBACK
Pre-tax Price Your share ($A) Pre-taxp Price Your share ($A) Pre-tax Price Your share ($A)
Australia $A40.50 $3.44 $A27.33 2.32 $A18.13 1.54
Britain £17.99 3.21 £12.99 2.32 £7.99* 1.07
USA $US25.95 2.52 US14.95 1.45 $US7.99# 0.62

* Exch. Rate 0.38, royalty 7.5% to 20K, Aust publisher 20%, Aust agent 15%

# Exch. Rate 0.70, royalty 8% to 100K, Aust publisher 20%, Aust agent 15%

** Trade paperback and hardcover royalties 10%

It’s an honest, accurate  and frank account of how the system works.  I heartily recommend it for all aspiring authors. (Thanks to Sarah Weinman for pointing this article out to me!)

Death by Committee II

After reading my previous post, someone asked me:

I’m curious — without getting into specifics of which publishing house
and such, what were some of the reasons cited for any potential deal
being killed? Were they just nervous about bringing out a book that’s very
pop culture-oriented?

Here’s the jacket copy, describing what THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE is about:

Harvey Mapes is a twenty-nine-year-old security guard who spends his nights in a guard shack outside a gated community in Southern California, reading detective novels, watching TVLand reruns, and waiting for his life to finally start . . . which happens when Cyril Parkus, one of the wealthy residents, asks Harvey to follow his beautiful wife Lauren.

The lowly security guard jumps at the opportunity to fulfill his private eye fantasies and use everything he’s learned from Spenser, Magnum, and Mannix. But things don’t exactly go according to the books . . . or the reruns.

As  Harvey fumbles and stumbles through his first investigation, he discovers that the differences between fiction and reality can be deadly.
With the help of his mortgage-broker neighbor and occasional lover Carol,  Harvey uncovers a
blackmail plot that takes a sudden and unexpectedly tragic turn . . . plunging him into a world of violence, deception, and murder . . . and forcing him to discover what it really takes to be a private eye.

So many editors liked it and were enthusiastic about it. I can’t tell you
how many times I celebrated, certain we’d just sold it… and then, the
committee would weigh in. The biggest problem the "committees" had with the book was
how to categorize it. Is it a mystery? Is it a satire? Is it too dark? Is it too funny? Is it a PI novel or…what, exactly?

Some found it too funny and not dark enough…and humor doesn’t sell. (Let’s not mention Carl Hiaasen or Janet Evanovich, shall we?) Some found it too  dark and not broad enough for a comedy (I found out the hard way how badly broad, comic novels sell… I refer you to MY GUN HAS BULLETS and BEYOND THE BEYOND). Some found it  too much of a private eye novel…and PI novels aren’t selling.  Some found it not enough of a private eye novel… because PI novels are really selling.  And some didn’t think the story was "big" enough, whatever the hell that means.

But ultimately, I guess it wasn’t an easy book to fit into any pre-set genre or category. We came soooo close at a couple of major houses…but, alas,  it was not to be. But the process ate up two years.

That said, I am very happy to be at Five Star.  As you can see from LITTLE GIRL LOST, MEMORIAL DAY and ASK A DEAD MAN,  they are putting out some terrific books (and finally getting the wider notice they deserve).  And they’re not just doing mysteries, either…they also have  robust romance and western lines as well.

Death By Committee

Sarah Weinman is discussing the long road to the bookshelves for Sam Lipsyte’s HOME LAND, which ended up being published in the UK before finally showing up here as a trade paperback.

And furthermore, the growing trend of many
houses to vote by committee — something that can be lethal to a
satirical novel like HOME LAND. One
editor who tried to buy it, only to have his editor in chief kill the
sale, argued that the decision-making by editorial committee at most
major houses around the city "tends to flatten out the aesthetic."

I’ve been there, more times than I’d like to admit.  My upcoming novel THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE made the rounds all over New York. I got excited every time my agent called to tell me that an editor absolutely loved it. Inevitably, the book was killed in committee every time. I finally told her not to tell me anymore if an editor was enthusiastic about the book…I only want to hear about it if it made it out of committee. I never got that call.

After two years of bouncing all over NY,  the book finally ended up at Five Star, which will be publishing it in hard cover in November. Five Star has become known in mystery circles as the home for "published authors’ unpublished manuscripts"…the book gathering dust in the drawer… and I am thankful for them (they also published my novel THE WALK). They’ve picked up quite a few midlist series/authors that have been dumped by their publishers.  Lately, Five Star has been making noise, and raising its profile considerably in the publishing biz, with critically-acclaimed books like Harry Shannon’s MEMORIAL DAY and Bob Levinson‘s ASK A DEAD MAN, which got a starred review in PW and hit the LA Times bestseller list this week.

The imprint is run by famed book packager/editor Marty Greenberg and author/editor  Ed Gorman. They don’t buy books by committee… they do it the old-fashioned way.  Their editors read manuscript and, if they like’em, they buy’em. They also do something else the old-fashioned way — they treat their authors with respect, pay them promptly, publish quickly,  and put out handsome books.

You’d Think Anybody Who Has Read This Blog Would Know Better Than to Send Me This Shit…

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of junkmail solicitations from con artists who prey on aspiring authors.  Here are two of the latest. One is from a guy who is offering to interview me on his radio show… for a price.

ATTN: Lee G – Want to be a radio Star? I can make you a  bestseller by advertising on my radio show Call me 781/860-9548. My name is Stu Taylor. I provide a unique service for publicly traded and private companies.  I am the host of two nationally syndicated, weekly radio shows, both entitled Equity Strategies that are broadcast on Radio America Network and the Business Talk Radio Network. For a modest fee, I will serve as a host and  interview a member of your management team to achieve whichever goals matter to you. Stu Taylor will also assist your company with public relations and media relations. Your success in business is Stu Taylor’s success.

That’s because your money will be going into his pocket. Don’t you just love people who refer to themselves in the third person? Well, let me tell you, Lee Goldberg won’t be calling Stu Taylor any time soon. Lee Goldberg urges you not to, either. If your book is any good, and if have any promotional skills at all, you should be able to score some free radio interviews on your own.

The next piece of junk mail was posted here as a comment (which I deleted because my blog isn’t a bulletin board for Internet scam artists).  It came from Randy Gilbert & Peggy McColl, who run a "get rich quick" scheme for writers called the "Zero Cost Bestseller Formula" (which they are also selling as "The Bestseller Mentoring Program")

Authors & Publishers – Tired of
  fighting for bookstore distribution? Even if you’re a complete computer
  novice and have no marketing expertise, we’ll coach you to follow our
  proven formula
and . . .
We’ll Help You Make Your  Book An Amazon.com Bestseller  in Just 48 Hours … Guaranteed!

They say it’s the same formula that’s turned folks like Robin Sharma, George McKenzie, Rick Frishman, and Andre Lara into household names. What? You’ve never heard of them? How can that be?  The gist of their scheme, which they are offering for "a $385 discount" from their usual price (whatever the hell it is), is:

In short, the formula involves  getting people with big email lists to send out an announcement asking  people to buy your book on a given day at Amazon. This method isn’t “spamming” because only “opt-in” email lists are used.   To motivate people to purchase  the book, you promise them a lot of  digitally-downloadable “bonus gifts” for  when they submitted their Amazon email receipt.  For instance, buy a $20  book and you could get $500 of more of extra bonuses – a tremendous   incentive to buy the book. Even better, because the formula uses email,  it  costs nothing to promote the book!

Their scheme is directed, of course, at self-published authors desperate for a short-cut to becoming the next John Grisham. ..and all too ready to hand their  credit cards  over to people like Randy & Peggy, whose come-on is:

Just think…for the rest of your life, people will hear the phrase “bestselling author” whenever you’re being introduced.

Randy & Peggy have several self-published books to their credit, including the  "Proactive Success – The Amazing New Science of Personal Achievement," "On Being a Dog With A Bone," "Success Bound: Breaking Free of Mediocrity" and "The Eight Proven Secrets to Smart Success." They also have a company called "Bargain Publishing Inc." Hmm.

Randy, who likes to call himself  "Dr. Proactive," also hosts  "The Inside Success Show" Internet radio program and, get this, he actually managed to score an interview with  Peggy! Wow.  On his website, he says he was "priviledged" to interview her and he offers you this fantastic, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity:

Gold  Member Mania!  Click here and learn how to become a Gold Member  so you can hear all our shows, plus
download convenient MP3’s,  plus get discounts on other products,  and  get much much more.  (All shows are now valued at over   $2,000, plus  you get two other Gold Memberships and Mega-Bonuses.)

Such a deal! But I’ve got to wonder…  how good can their advice be if their idea of a brilliant promotional move is  to post their get-rich-quick come-ons on my blog? Here’s my key to success and I’ll give it to you absolutely free (you don’t even have to be a Gold Member) — stay away from get-rich-quick schemers and Internet scammers who say they’ll make you a bestselling author.  Spend your money instead on some good creative writing courses from established authors (like my brother Tod). Work on making your writing better and learning your craft.  You become a bestselling author by writing great books — not by writing checks.

The Quill Awards or the Shill Awards?

The book industry is trying to sex itself up with a new award show called The Quills. As the LA Times described it a few days ago…

the book industry is taking a page, so to speak, from Hollywood, and backing the
Quills, a new national award event that would be a conflation of the Oscars and
the People’s Choice Awards. But instead of movies, TV or pop music, it would be
a "consumer-driven celebration of the written word."

While the Oscars are chosen by members of the Motion Picture Academy, and the Emmy’s by members of the Television Academy of Arts and Sciences, the Quills will be selected by  6,000 booksellers and librarians drawn
from the subscription list of Publishers Weekly, a trade magazine, which is also sponsoring the awards with major NY Publishers. 

In a nod to the People’s Choice Awards, after the booksellers and librarians come up with five finalists in 15
categories from best romance to best religion/spirituality book, winners will be
chosen by regular folks who will vote  online or at Borders and
other selected bookstores.  The awards ceremony will be aired on the NBC owned-and-operated stations.

The San Francisco Chronicle’s David Kipen sees huge ethical problems with the Quill Awards, for obvious reasons.

What NBC Universal gets out of all this isn’t hard to guess. By wrapping itself
in the ermine mantle of literature for a couple of hours a year, it temporarily
inoculates itself against any future Nipplegate-like FCC imbroglios. But NBC U’s
upside is small beer compared with what’s in it for Reed Business International… in co-administering an
annual awards ceremony honoring the very industry PW covers, the magazine’s
conflicts of interest are, not to put too fine a point on it, ripe for the
plucking. For a suitable analogy, just imagine if, instead of the motion picture
academy, Daily Variety gave out the Oscars…. Variety must make easily half its
ad revenue just during Oscar season. If anybody thinks PW doesn’t see the Quill
Awards as a potentially comparable generator of humongous ad revenue from
publishers, I’ve got a short-story collection by a homely writer over 50 I’d
like to sell you."

Even with his reservations, Kipen is glad to see books getting more attention… even if that attention is the equivalent of an infomercial and an excuse  for PW to shill for advertising and subscription sales.

The TV Writers Social Contract

What is it, exactly?

The folks at TVGasm believe it’s this:

We watch their shows and make them
rich. In return, they promise to work hard and prevent that show from
sucking.

But my writing/producing partner William Rabkin is confused.

I thought our social contract with the viewer required us to write
whatever storylines the "real" fans demand… to slavishly adhere to
the "rules" they set down in their fanzines… and to realize that
their fanfic is infinitely better than our produced work, because we’re
just doing it for money and they’re doing it for love. How many damn social contracts do we have with our fans?

So which is it? Hurry up and tell me, okay? Because I need to know before we start writing/producing another TV show.

Straight Guys Don’t Watch Queer As Folk…

…but they’ll watch THE L WORD.  Gee, I wonder why. The show’s creator Ilene Chaiken, in an interview in the NY Times this weekend, makes passing mention about how popular her show is with straight guys who fast-forward pass the yak-yak-yak and the whine-whine-whine to the hot girl-girl action.

LwordBut if everyone agrees that the sex looks good, some have objected
that it looks, well, too good. With classically beautiful actresses
like Jennifer Beals, Pam Grier and Mia Kirschner, Ms. Chaiken
diplomatically said, "There are those viewers who perhaps rightly take
issue with the attractiveness of the cast."

The underlying
accusation is that she is playing to men, a charge she says she finds
mildly annoying since she is, after all, creating a show about sexy
young women in Los Angeles, not a documentary about asthmatic mill
workers in Pittsburgh.

I suspect most guys would watch female asthmatic mill workers getting it on…  if they all looked as good as Jennifer Beals. What’s wrong with playing to men, too? Ratings are ratings.  Of course, Chaikin’s comments imply that lesbians aren’t interested in watching attractive women having sex.  I suspect lesbians would watch female asthmatic mill workers going at it, too, if  Halle Berry was one of them.

(Shockingly, the wide-ranging discussion didn’t make any mention of the strident demands made by the "Save Karina Lombard" campaign  last June.  Could it be because nobody is going to miss her?)