Lee Goldberg

How to Blow a Book Contract

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Author John Barlow writes for Slate about the agony of writing a book for 17th Street Productions, the book packager behind Kaavya Viswanathan’s controversial novel and a number of other hit teen novels.

However, having never lived in the United States, I had no idea about what
was permissible in terms of cussing, especially in kids’ fiction. We had agreed,
previously, that I would write the thing as naturally as I could, and the people
at 17th Street would filter out the unacceptable elements. So, I did just that,
leaving in the text a modest fistful of shits, craps, a
bastard, and several fucks. I even told them so when I mailed
the finished text. Did they filter? Did they read? No; they gave the manuscript
straight to the 8-year-old son of the company president. Little Timmy saw a
shit and a fuck. He cried. He read the word bastard
and needed counseling. It was a catastrophe.

My 80,000 words were dead words. A book that I love never got published. Or
even edited. Or read by a single kid (apart from Timmy). I blew it. My chance of
Harry Potterdom, of country homes, of cars that start every time, of book
signings where enough people come to form an actual line … all down the drain.
However, it was a great way to learn that you can’t write a book by committee,
and to be paid 10 grand to learn it. So, thank you Sweet Valley boys. It was
great fun, really.

I know I’m supposed to read this and side with the author…but, I have to say, my sympathies are with the book packager. Maybe because I’ve written so many television shows (where I get input from a thousand people) and work-for-hire tie-in novels. Maybe because I’m a complete sell-out and a talentless hack. Whatever the reason, this guy strikes me as an unprofessional, self-destructive,  whiny putz. He couldn’t bring himself to do some minimal preparation like, oh, actually read some other books from the packager…or other books in the same genre.  He was an artist. He was following his muse instead of doing the job he was hired to do.

Barlow implies in his article that the disasterous experience is all his (then) agent’s fault for getting him into a deal with a bunch of talentless suits. But the truth is that the fault is entirely his own. What killed the deal wasn’t the class between his high, artistic standards and their gutlessness and lack of taste. What killed it was Barlow’s ego, laziness  and astonishing lack of professionalism.

Those Who Can Do Teach

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William Rabkin and I will be teaching another session of our popular "Beginning TV Writing" online course for Writers University in May. There’s still time to sign up and a few open seats are left in our virtual classroom.

In this four week course, two established executive
producers/showrunners will give you an inside look at the world of
episodic television. You will learn—and practice— the actual process
involved in successfully writing a spec episodic script that will open
doors across Hollywood. You will learn how to analyze a TV show and
develop “franchise”-friendly story ideas. You will develop and write a
story under the direction of the instructors, who will be acting as
showrunners… and then, after incorporating their notes, you will be
sent off to write your outline. Finally, you will develop and refine
your outline with the instructors, leaving you at the end of the course
ready to write your episodic spec script…the first step in getting a
job on a TV series.

Series Pick-Ups

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Variety reports that Fox has picked up the new Brad Garrett sitcom TIL DEATH and the serialized drama VANISHED.

"Vanished," from 20th Century Fox TV and
creator Josh Berman, revolves around a senator’s wife who goes missing
as part of a larger conspiracy.

Inspired by the country’s ongoing
fascination with missing women, the story behind "Vanished" will unfold
throughout the season, as told through the eyes of law enforcement,
family members and the media.

Mimi Leder
(who directed the pilot) and Paul Redford exec produce the drama, which
stars John Allen Nelson, John Patrick Amedori, Ming-Na, Chris Egan,
Robert Hoffman, Margarita Levieva, Joanne Kelly, Gale Harold and
Rebecca Gayheart.

"We’ve had success with epic sagas over the
last few years, and this one is delicious in the way that any great
mystery novel is," Erwich said. "There’s also a great franchise at the
center of it."

Edgar Winners

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The Edgar winners were announced today.

BEST NOVEL

Citizen Vince by Jess Walter (Regan Books)

BEST FIRST NOVEL BY AN AMERICAN AUTHOR

Officer Down by Theresa Schwegel (St. Martin’s Minotaur)

BEST PAPERBACK ORIGINAL

Girl in the Glass by Jeffrey Ford (Dark Alley)

BEST FACT CRIME

Rescue Artist: A True Story of Art, Thieves, and the Hunt for a Missing Masterpiece by Edward Dolnick (Harper Collins)

BEST CRITICAL/BIOGRAPHICAL

Girl Sleuth:  Nancy Drew and the Women Who Created Her

by Melanie Rehak (Harcourt)

BEST SHORT STORY

"The Catch" – Greatest Hits by James W. Hall (Carroll & Graf)

BEST CHILDRENS

The Boys of San Joaquin by D. James Smith (Simon & Schuster Children’s Books)

BEST YOUNG ADULT

Last Shot by John Feinstein (Knopf Books for Young Readers)

BEST PLAY

Matter of Intent by Gary Earl Ross (Theater Loft)

BEST TELEVISION EPISODE TELEPLAY

Sea of Souls – "Amulet", Teleplay by Ed Whitmore

BEST MOTION PICTURE SCREENPLAY

Syriana – Screenplay by Stephen Gaghan, based on the book by Robert Baer (Warner Brothers)

Writing Staffs

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Ken Levine has a terrific post today on the importance of "room chemistry" in putting together a writing staff. 

When putting a writing staff together I always think of the great line
from either Bob Schiller or Bob Weiskopf – what six people would you
like to be stuck in a Volkswagon with driving across the country?
Besides talent, so much depends on chemistry because you spend so much
time together in close quarters under enormous pressure. By the end of
the season even the closest staff starts getting on each other’s
nerves. It’s like, take a fifty year marriage and compress it into
eight months.

He is so right. Writing talent is only one part of what gets you hired on staff — just as important is how you will mix with the other writer and whether you’re someone the showrunner will enjoy hanging out with. There’s a freelancer we used a few times who was great at crafting stories and turning in a solid first draft — but in a room he was this incredible blackhole that sucked the soul right out of you. Ten minutes with him felt like ten decades… which is why he’s never ended up getting on a writing staff despite a long list of freelance credits.

Ken catalogs some of the typical writing room personalities (Dr. No, Mr. Let’s-Go-Back, etc.) and he’s spot-on.  He misses a couple, like "Mr. Out-of-Sync," the writer who is never, ever, in step with the flow of the room or the direction of the story — his suggestions, his jokes, his clues, etc. never fit. They aren’t bad suggestions, they just aren’t right for the way the story or scene is flowing. It’s like he’s doing a different episode or, worse, an entirely different series. The problem is, whenever he pitches one of his out-of-sync ideas, it knocks everyone off track (though, to be fair, some times when explaining to Mr. Out-of-Sync why his suggestion is so so  wrong, it does lead us to a clever solution).

Another one is Mr. Cliche — every one of his suggestions is so painfully familiar, so incredibly over-done, so lazy, that you just want to leap across the room and strangle him (which, in itself, is a cliche).

Mr. Cliche’s close cousin in the writing room is  Mr. Steal From the Movie I Saw Last Night.  In one case, Mr. Steal From the Movie I Saw Last Night was the showrunner. He mapped out the season on the wall with index cards. Each index card referenced a recent or classic movie. For instance, let’s say the show was called DEFECATOR. The cards read like this: "Defecator’s Dirty Dozen," "Defecator’s Deliverance," "The Defecator’s Million Dollar Baby," "Brokeback Defecator," etc.

Of course, I’m none of those people. Then again, I’m sure Mr. Out-of-Sync thinks the same thing…and my constant fear is that he is me.

You Stole My Bad Idea

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E! is reporting that a guy named Jack Bunick is suing Jennifer Lopez for allegedly ripping off his idea for the flop UPN series SOUTH BEACH:

The hourlong show
premiered Jan. 11 and lasted eight episodes, proving that there is a
limit to how much tanning, nightclubbing and stereotypically snooty
behavior viewers can stand. Bunick is seeking monetary
damages and an injunction barring any further broadcasting of South
Beach (well, that second part sounds like a given anyway).

The report has amused the folks at MediaBistro:

This shows true savvy: Suing over a cancelled show. Clearly, loads of money to be gotten there.

John August is my Hero

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Screenwriter John August pleads with writers to take a vow to stop having characters crawl around in air vents.  Why? Because it’s stupid, lazy, unrealistic… AND STUPID.  I’ve even seen people in movies crawl through the airvents in a house.  So I applaud John for waging war against this inane cliche:

Here’s what I’m proposing:  The Screenwriter’s Vow of Air Vent Chastity.

I, John August, hereby swear that I shall never place a
character inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism
for a building system designed to move air around.

One day, I’d love to win an Oscar. An Emmy. A Tony Award. But if all
I accomplished in my screenwriting life were reducing the number of
times characters climbed through air vents, I’d consider my work
successful.

Law & Order In Jeopardy

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Fox News is reporting that LAW AND ORDER could be facing the ax…and that there are big shake-ups happening on both sides of the camera. For one thing, Annie Parisse has abruptly quit as the A.D.A. and, according to Fox, Dick Wolf is having trouble recasting when word-on-the-street is that the show maynot be coming back. They also report that S. Epatha Mekerson walked off of a "crossover" episode with L&O:CRIMINAL INTENT in a dispute over how her character was being written.

There’s a significant morale problem, too. Sources say that there
have been "a lot" of firings, including a portion of the camera crew.

"None of the original writer-producers are there anymore," a source
said. "They’ve all been replaced by people from L.A. who don’t get the
show."

[…] If "Law & Order" does get cancelled, or renewed just long enough
to do a finale season, it won’t be a tremendous surprise. Sixteen
years, after all, is twice the length of the run of a regular hit show.
Still, insiders blame the constant reruns on TNT for over-saturating
the brand.

"Even they’re cutting back now," a source said.

NBC declined comment except to say: "It is the producers’ desire to
keep the season finale of ‘Law and Order’ under wraps because of some
surprising developments."

UPDATE 4-28-06: NBC renewed all three LAW & ORDER series today. The jury is still out on CONVICTION.

Dumb Questions and Great Sex

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My brother Tod beat me to posting about some of the dumb questions I got asked at the Palm Springs Book Festival (though I got lots of great questions, too). Here’s one of them (though you’ll notice that Tod remembers it slightly different than I do):

Woman: Did you have to take acting classes to learn how to write dialog?

Me: No, but I’ve also never been a werewolf, a lifeguard, a psychic FBI agent, a 70-year0ld doctor who solves crimes, or the Captain of a submarine in the year 2032. I make stuff up. The dialog comes from the characters. I don’t need to be an actor to know how people talk. I just have to observe and listen.

Woman: Is there a class you can take for that?

The night before the Festival there was a reception for the authors. Only authors were attending (and their spouses, significant others and, in my case, my mother). But there are always one or two clueless idiots at these kind of events who use this as a selling opportunity. A lady came up to me and thrust her apparently self-published book in my face.

Woman:  I’m the author of GREAT SEX AFTER SIXTY. You should read this book.

Me: Do I look sixty to you?

Woman: Well, you will be, won’t you?

Me:  No, I’m planning on using plastic surgery and drugs to remain 44 forever.

Woman: But you’ll still physically be sixty even if you look 44 and you’ll want to have great sex.

Me: There will be a pill for that, too.

Woman: There might not be.

Me: I’ll take my chances.

I couldn’t believe she was still arguing with me. But I was saved by my Mom, who started laughing.

Mom: He’s my son and he looks sixty to you? My God, how old do I look?

At which point the clueless idiot thrust her God-awful book in my Mom’s face and asked her how her sex was… and I dashed across the room to talk to Gregg Hurwitz. Am I good son or what?