Me Me Me

Who Needs Tums? Read My Books Instead

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Today I was on a panel with Steve Cannell, Harley Jane Kozak, Dr. D.P. Lyle and my brother Tod at the spectacular Cerritos Library for their annual "Mystery on the Menu" program. It was my first time there and I was stunned by the library — it looks like Rick Caruso (developer of The Grove) and the Disney Imagineers teamed up to design the place. I have never seen anything like it, so rather than describe it, you can look at it for yourself here in 360 degree views. The visit to the library alone was well worth the trip. I had a great time, and caught up with Kirk Russell, Richard Greer, Patricia Smiley, Jerrilyn Farmer and Earlene Fowler, among other authors. 

The "Murder on the Menu" program is a lot like the "Men of Mystery" event…each author is at a table with ten guests and does a "table talk" at lunch, giving the attendees a chance to get up-close-and-personal with the authors. I had some really interesting discussions with a lot of bright and creative people. But I also had more than my share of strange encounters.

"I love your books," one woman said.

"Thank you," I replied.

"They are so relaxing," she said. "And they really help my digestion."

I think I am going to put that on the cover of my next book. It’s the best comment I’ve had since the San Francisco Chronicle called my book UNSOLD TV PILOTS "The best bathroom reading ever."

Another woman picked up one of my books and asked:

"Is this one good?"

"No," I said. "It’s awful. I wrote it while I was trying to kick my heroin addiction."Exterior1

"Really?"

"No."

"Then why did you say that?"

"What did you expect me to say?" I replied. "Of course I think it’s good. I wrote it."

"Well," she said. "I was hoping for your honest opinion."

Not one minute later, another woman (the audience was 99 % women) picked up one of my books and asked me:

"How much did it cost you to publish this?"

"Nothing," I said.

"Really?" she asked. "What about the other authors? What did they pay?"

"Nothing," I said. "We all got paid to write our books."

"Is that something new?"

"No," I said.

"I thought everybody had to pay," she said.

"No," I said. "That’s not the way it works."

"That’s not what I’ve heard," she said.

I quickly educated her in how  the business works. And after my long speech, she nodded and asked.

"How much did it cost you to get an agent?"

A woman at my able bought Doug Lyle’s excellent FORENSICS FOR DUMMIES book and asked me:

"You’re friends with Dr. Lyle, aren’t you?"

"Yes, I am," I said. "He’s also my doctor."

"How did he get away with calling his book FORENSICS FOR DUMMIES without getting sued by the DUMMIES people?"

"They were the ones who hired him to write the book," I said.

"Really?" she said. "So that’s how you do it."

But I think the best question I got asked came from a woman at my table who said she’d been writing novels for years but hadn’t had any luck getting them published and wanted my advice.

"I write them by hand in spiral-bound notebooks," she said. "I have written a dozen novels."

"And then what do you do with them?"

"I put them in a box in my attic," she said.

I looked at her. "You haven’t sent them to any publishers?"

She shook her head.

"You haven’t written any query letters to agents or publishers?"

She shook her head again.

"So how do you expect them to get published?"

She shrugged.

"Did you think someone was just going to knock on your door one day and ask if you have any novels written on spiral notebooks that he can read?"

She shrugged again. "That’s the part I was hoping you could clear up for me."

I haven’t compared notes yet with Tod to see what strange conversations he had, but I’m sure he’ll blog about it if he had any…

Socializing and stuff

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I’ve run into a lot of old friends on the picket line and it has been great catching up with them. It’s made me wonder why it took a strike for me to finally see them again. So one of my new year’s resolutions is to stay in better touch with my friends.

The day before going to NY last week, I had breakfast with actors Erin Cahill and Maurice Roeves from my movie FAST TRACK (not that I had lost touch with them) and then lunch with Javier Grill0-Marxuach, best known for his work on LOST.  I enjoyed hearing about his terrific experience shooting his pilot THE MIDDLEMAN and recalling our time together on SEAQUEST. It’s nice to see that he’s every bit as boyishly enthusiastic about the biz as he was when we first met.

Today I got a 24-hour reprieve from jury duty, so I was able to grab lunch with Terry Winter, best known for his work on THE SOPRANOS, who had me laughing so hard with anecdotes and stories that I nearly choked on my club sandwich more than once.  And tonight I had dinner with Carl Strueck, our stunt coordinator from FAST TRACK, who is visiting L.A. with his lovely wife.

Seeing more of  my friends has nothing to do with "networking" and everything to do with simply staying connected to people whose company I enjoy…especially those who, with the exception of a few email exchanges and occasional phone calls, I haven’t actually seen in a while. 

I’ve also been doing a lot of writing (nothing for studios or networks, of course!). Mostly I have been working on my books. But  I optioned an Edgar-nominated crime novel a year ago and the strike has given me the opportunity (and the time) to finally write the script. I know many other writers who have used the "down time" to write that personal "passion project" that they haven’t had time to get around to….until now.  I’m sure that once the strike is over, Hollywood will probably be flooded with fresh material. I hope mine won’t get lost in the script tsunami.

Things have been hectic at home. My daughter got a 3-month old puppy from the pound and it’s like having a baby in the house again. Our nights are, to put it mildly, a challenge lately. But the puppy is adorable and sweet and learning fast.

Tomorrow I am free from jury duty again…but tomorrow I have to call in again and see if I am needed to bring justice to the lawless west.

 

New York, NY

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My Dell laptop crashed on my first night in NY…this is the second time this has happened, and I had to spend 2 1/2 hours on the phone with Dell before they, too, were convinced that my computer had, indeed, crashed again (this brings my total time spent on the phone to customer support to seven hours since I bought this computer). So they are sending a guy out to my house next week to replace the motherboard and the hard disc, which means I can’t do any writing this weekend (I am posting this on the hotel computer).

I spent Friday walking all over Manhattan, first to The Strand to browse the used books, and then to lunch with my editor, publisher and agent. I am pleased to report that the MONK books are doing very, very well and that there will likely be more to come after my current contract ends this Spring.  They are also very excited about the BURN NOTICE books from my brother Tod and the PSYCH novels from my writing partner Bill Rabkin. This time next year, Tod, Bill and I will be doing lots of signings together to promote our new books.

After the meeting, I went to a few more bookstores…and stumbled into a sale at Taschen, where I bought lots of big, heavy books that I had to lug around to Partners & Crime, which hosted a signing party for all the MWA Board members in town. I caught up with Joseph Finder, Lee Child, Harlan  Coben, Harry Hunsicker, Les Klinger, Louise Ure, Charles Todd and many more folks.  Everyone was very excited about the list of Edgar nominees that was announced yesterday and there was lots of discussion about the WGA strike. I got the latest on Lee, Joseph and Harlan’s pre-strike Hollywood adventures.

The party soon moved to a Chinese restaurant, where we gorged ourselves for a few more hours before Les and I decided to walk the 40 blocks back to our hotel. All in all, a long, fun, and exhausting day.

Today I won’t be getting nearly as much exercise. I’ll be locked in a board meeting all day and then tonight it’s another big dinner with the Board….and then tomorrow I return to L.A.

The Jewless Jew

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My flight to New York was filled with orthodox Jews with the beards, the yamulkes, the hats, the whole deal. If we’d had a horse-drawn cart,  some milk and some cheese we could have staged the opening musical number from FIDDLER ON THE ROOF. 

Midway through the flight, I got up to stretch my legs and use the restroom. When I got out, I bumped into this young boy, maybe 12 years old, who looked at me and asked:

"Are you Jewish?"

"Yes," I replied.

He immediately ran back down the aisle to his father, who stood up, offered me his hand, and then started talking to me in Hebrew. Or at least I think it was Hebrew.

"I’m sorry, I don’t speak Hebrew," I said. "I’m not a practicing Jew."

"But you’re Jewish," he said.

"Yes, I am," I said. "Have a good trip."

I started down the aisle, but he wouldn’t let me pass. He said something else to me in Hebrew.

"I have no idea what you’re saying," I said. "I am a very Jewless Jew."

"Did you have a Bar Mitzvah?"

"Nope," I said. "And I don’t celebrate passover. And I had bacon for breakfast yesterday. I’m watching my carbs."

"Where are you sitting?" he asked.

"Up there,"  I said, gesturing to the front of the plane. And as he turned to look, I used the opportunity to slip past him and return to my seat. 

I settled in, and was starting to watch 30 ROCK on my iPod, when the guy, his kid, and a bearded man in a long, black coat showed up at my seat.

"This is our Rabbi," the guy said.

The Rabbi introduced himself, asked me my name, and the next thing I knew, they stuck a yamulke  on my head and started chanting something in Hebrew.

I began to protest, but then the kid started wrapping my arm with some kind of leather strap and I figured I’d just let them do their thing.  The guy put a card, written in Hebrew in front of me, and told me to repeat after him. I did, if only to get the whole awkward scene over with.

The people sitting next to me looked like they wanted to crawl under their seat and hide. I would have liked to join them but the Jewish kid had me lassooed pretty good.

The three Jews finished up, congratulated me on this very special day in my life, slipped a card in my hand and returned to their seats. The card had a photograph of a rabbi on the front and on the back there were illustrations of the steps  in something called the Mitzvah Campaign. I’m not sure, but judging by the drawing, I think one of the steps, Tefillin, had something to do with what they did to me.  You tell me. What was all that about?

To The Big Apple

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I’ll probably be scarce here over the next few days. I am leaving for New York on Thursday morning to attend the first Mystery Writers of America board meeting for the new year and my annual get-together with my publisher, editor and agent.

I’ll also be doing a booksigning on Friday night, 6-8 pm, at
Partners & Crime. If you happen to be in NY, stop by and say hello.

I’m back on Sunday…and then I have jury duty starting on Tuesday. But with the strike going on, it’s not like jury duty is going to cut deep into my work.

The Flight from Hell on Air India

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I flew to Germany on Halloween night and, perhaps fittingly, it was a nightmare. Never, ever, EVER fly on Air India. When I got on the plane, the first thing I saw were the torn carpets. Not a good sign. When I got into business class, the first thing I saw were two broken seats. Again, not a good sign.

The overhead luggage bins were full of dirt and crumbs. The walls were stained and, in many places, held together with masking tape. The seats were torn and stained.  The two big televisions hanging from the ceiling were cracked and held together with duct tape. My assigned seat turned out to be broken, so they moved me to another one.I thought about running out of the plane but they’d already sealed the doors and my luggage was in the hold.

I settled in for the long haul. The individual entertainment units are broken, so you have to watch movies on the two TV’s hanging from the ceiling, one of which shows everything in yellow.  If Bollywood musicals are your thing, you’ll love Air India. Luckily, I had my video iPod and it was full of shows to watch.

The snacks and meals are Indian, which is to be expected, but your silverware comes wrapped in a dirty napkin, which is not. I had to request a clean napkin. Amazingly, they had one.

Midway through the flight, my seat collapsed on to the woman behind me. It went completely flat, smacking into her lap. I climbed out of my seat. I tried to lift the seat, but it just fell back onto the poor passenger. The stewardess came over to help…and kept pressing the volume control button on my armrest. Clearly, she had no idea how the seats worked. But we finally managed to get the seat up and folded completely forward (that’s how broken it was). I was moved to yet another seat…my third one of  the flight.

I asked the stewardess why they don’t repair the seats…she said it’s because the plane is so old, they don’t have replacement parts. It made me wonder what condition the rest of the plane was in…particular the parts that make the damn thing fly.

We landed in Frankfurt (and my old seat smacked into the poor passenger again) and then I switched over to a Lufthansa flight to Munich. As soon as I got on the clean, beautiful, new plane…my stomach started doing somersaults. The instant we were at cruising altitude I ran into the restroom and stayed there for the rest of the flight. It was a much better seat than I had on Air India…the airline that had poisoned me.  I spent my first night in Munich in the bathroom of my wonderful hotel.

Aside from the travel hell, the rest of my trip has been great. I had the day to myself on Friday to explore Munich. I have been here many times before, but usually only for the day…and this was the first time I’ve visited when it wasn’t pouring rain or snowing. It was the first time i’d seen the city in the sunshine, thought it was still very cold out (at least for this Southern Californian).

I’ve been consulting with the head writer, producers, and network execs who are working on a new show. I’ve been helping them to find and refine their franchise by teaching them about the different kinds of conflict, the four-act structure and how to use all of that to generate stories that could only be told on their series. I’m essentially teaching an advanced TV writing class and it’s been a lot of fun. Today the writers join us  and I will begin walking  them all through how a writer’s room is run…and the relationship between writers, the studio and the network (at least how it is in the U.S.)

The only downside to this trip is that I haven’t been able to lick my jet lag. I fall asleep around 9:30-10 pm each night and wake up at 3:30-4am each morning. Hopefully that will pass in another day or two…

I’m Boldly Going

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I am heading to Munich this afternoon for ten days to do some consulting for one of the German TV networks, so I may not be posting very often until I return.  I’ve just figured out how to update my blog using my Crackberry, so you may be seeing some  posts with a  Blackberry tag on them. Forgive me if they are awkwardly formatted or typo-ridden.

Hollywood and Crime

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Bob Levinson, the dashing fellow on the far left in the photo (he’s always the dashing fellow at the far left, we call that "The Levinson Pose"), sent me this souvenir of the first HOLLYWOOD AND CRIME signing at Mystery Bookstore. The other suave gents are bookseller Bobby McCue, myself, and fellow anthology contributors Ken Kuhlken and Gar Anthony Haywood (also known as "Ray Shannon"). We’ll be gathering again at Men of Mystery in Irvine next month and at Mysteries to Die For in Thousand Oaks….where we will be joined by Dick Lochte and Gary Phillips.

My Dark Past

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Make2bthem2bpay It’s amazing what you find when you’re procrastinating and, pathetically, googling yourself. More than twenty years after I wrote .357 VIGILANTE: MAKE THEM PAY, it has finally been reviewed:

After lengthy consideration, I have come to the conclusion that this series was written completely tongue-in-cheek, and was meant to be a mockery of Vigilante Men’s Action Series such as The Executioner and The Destroyer, with an obvious nod to the Death Wish/Dirty Harry influences as well.

[…]The punchlines delivered by Mr. Jury whenever he exacts justice on a criminal are so over-the-top ludicrous, the are my ultimate proof that the entire series is a joke. Example: he notices an armed robbery taking progress in a convenience store, quickly grabs a steel level from the construction site next door, and just before caving in the criminal’s skull delivers the line "You’re unbalanced, buddy."

He’s right…but I have to wonder why it took him "lengthy consideration" instead of a nanosecond to come to the conclusion that the books were thinly disguised spoofs. 

I also discovered that Chadwick Saxelid reviewed the first book in the .357 VIGILANTE series in August and had a similar take on the, um, quality of the writing and plotting:

.357: Vigilante 1 is an amateurish, albeit modestly entertaining, relic of what appears to be an all but extinct sub-genre: the numbered category Men’s Adventure novel[…] At times .357: Vigilante 1 reads like a high school student’s concept of what a hard boiled man of action story should sound like (not surprising, considering that author "Ian Ludlow" was actually a college student named Lee Goldberg) or an out and out parody of one.

Der Deutsche Fernsehpreis

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The other night I went to the Deutsche Fernsehpreis — the German equivalent of the Emmy Awards. Their awards show is every bit as long as the Emmys and even duller, and I’m not just saying that because I didn’t understand a word that was said. There was no entertainment value to the program. They didn’t have any musical numbers, no clip montages, no actual entertainment at all. Granted, some presenters made some jokes, but the flatness of the show made me appreciate just how good American awards shows are (the orchestra played the same piece of music every time a category was announced and every time someone won…I don’t know why they didn’t just have it on tape).

But I really enjoyed the before-party and after-party. It was odd being in a room full of "celebrities" and not knowing/recognizing 99.9% of them. I couldn’t look into the sea of faces and know who the "stars" were. They all just looked like normal people, which just goes to show how illusory celebrity really is. The guy I chatted with at the buffet could have been the biggest star in Germany or a waiter…I wouldn’t have known the difference.  In a way, though, it made it a lot easier for me to talk with people. I was never nervous or intimidated talking with anyone. 

I spoke to with lots of writers, producers, actors, and executives. I was struck by how many people I knew after only a year of working here off-and-on. I was also surprised by how many people knew me…people I had never met before but had heard about the work I was doing in Germany or who had heard my speech at the Cologne Conference. 

I ended up stay at the party into the wee hours of the morning which, combined with my jet-lag, wiped me out on Sunday. I was so tired that I went to bed at 8:30 pm and awoke at 3 this morning (it’s now 5:25 am).

I am about to watch the half-hour  "The Making of FAST TRACK" documentary (which will go on the DVD) and make my final edit notes before it’s locked. And then at 8 am, I head in to the studio to do the final sound mix on FAST TRACK. Tuesday I am viewing the color-corrected film, and placing the on-screen credits, and then I will finally be done with the movie/pilot. I head back to Los Angeles on Wednesday.