My Family

This Sunday, in a cosmic convergence of such magnitude that it could
create a rip in the space-time continuum right in the center of West
Hollywood, my brother Tod, my sisters Karen Dinino, Linda
Woods and I will be on stage at the West Hollywood Book
Festival.

All four of us are published authors and, as fate would have it, we all
have new books out. We’ll be offering advice about writing, publishing,
and creating searingly hot erotic fiction (which none of us do, but it
seems livelier than talking about what we do write, which are literary
short stories, art books, and novels with 80-year-old TV actors on the
cover).

Yet another writer in my family is blogging. Sam Barer, auto-writer extraordinaire,  launched FOUR WHEEL DRIFT with some new slogans for today’s automakers. Here’s a sampling from the top of the list:

Acura – Buy an Acura, your local car thief will thank you.

Aston Martin – See yourself like James Bond, even if women don’t

Audi –  Because all the people you hate drive BMWs

Bentley –  Phat cars for people with fat wallets

BMW – Even Chris Bangle and I-Drive can’t stop our cars from selling

Buick – Buy a Buick, so we don’t end up like Oldsmobile

Cadillac – Really, you don’t have to be black or Jewish to own one!

Chevrolet – The best vehicles that cost-cutting can create.

But my personal favorite comes towards the end:

Volvo – Safety: you can’t get killed in a car that’s always being serviced at the dealership

I absolutely love my brother Tod’s "Letters to Parade" feature on his blog. I never miss it … even now, while I’m toiling in Berlin (he really has to gather them all together  into a book).  Today’s edition was so funny, I almost wet myself:

Exhibit B: Dan Travers of Cincinnati, Ohio. Mr. Travers,
you insipid fucktard, I ask you:  When was the last time you saw a bunch
of 65 year olds performing A Chorus Line?

When A Chorus Line returns to Broadway next month, will it feature any members of the original 1975 cast?

Yes,
Dan, they are all returning. Even though they are collectively 1239
years old, the entire original cast is planning on stuffing their
sagging appendages into the leotards once again to reprise their roles
from THIRTY ONE FUCKING YEARS AGO. What is wrong with you, Dan? I mean,
really? Where’s the disconnect between reality and whatever it is
you’re living in? Is there anything you did especially well in 1975
that you’d want people to see you doing today? Even the writer of A
Chorus Line, James Kirkwood, is dead. Do you want him to reprise his
role, too?

And that’s just a sample of the fun and frolic awaiting you at Tod’s blog today.

I’m the oldest of four children. My 11 year-old daughter suddenly
realized, in the wake of her "Human Growth and Development Class," what
this meant.

"Grandma had sex four times? I can’t imagine even doing it once!"

So my 11-year-old daughter gets home from her "Human Growth and Development" class at school and has some questions about sex.

"Why does a man’s thingie have to get so big?"  she asked.

"So he can get his sperm inside of  a woman and fertilize the egg," I said.

"Couldn’t he just mail it to the woman so she could put it in herself?"

Author Wesley Britton’s terrific interview with my Uncle Burl Barer is now up on Roger Moore’s official website. Britton is the author of the great book SPY TV and my Uncle Burl is the author of the Edgar Award winning THE SAINT: A COMPLETE HISTORY, CAPTURE THE SAINT, and THE SAINT movie novelization, THE MAKING OF MAVERICK, as well as a slew of true crime books.

I drove my 11-year-old daughter to school this morning. We were just about there when she groaned.

"Oh no, I just remembered. We have ‘Human Growth and Development’ today. And it’s right before recess!"

"So?" I said.

"Dad, I have a snack at recess."

"I don’t see the problem."

"How am I supposed to eat after hearing about people putting their thingies into thingies? It’s disgusting."

I don’t think I need to worry any time soon about her competing with her friends to give the best blowjobs.