Lee Goldberg

“We Are More Emotionally Attached”

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Fan fic writers have no deadlines, networks/producers/actors to please,
and often have a better grasp on the characters and their history than
the tv writers usually because We Are more Emotionally attached.

The incredible stupidity of that blog comment tells you all you need to know about fanfic writers…and the tenor of the "discussion" on NPR’s OPEN SOURCE (the comment above comes from their blog). The radio show did a terrible job yesterday exploring fanfic —  and I’m not
just saying that because it was 45 minutes into a one-hour show before
the bewildered host remembered I was there. 

I think that the guests and listeners on both sides of the fanfic debate would agree that the host was woefully unprepared for the discussion.  He didn’t have a grasp of what fanfic is and seemed to be stumbling around blindly in search of a point or an angle (something his producers should have prepped him on more thoroughly beforehand). He was unfocused and, therefore, so was the discussion, which is why I’m not at all surprised by his baffling "post-game analysis" of the show on the OPEN SOURCE blog:

The poverty of fanfic is its confinement by television and what seem
the limited stock of Star Trek characters—and the bodies of Charley’s
Angels. But the courage of readers who, all along, have been
reimagining outcomes and dialogue and motives is awe-inspiring. I guess
it is just as well that we waltzed right past all those confounding
lit-crit riddles of post-modern textuality. Naomi Novick tried to tempt
us with a sweeping dismissal of authorial intent, and I cheerfully let
it go.

What is he babbling about? I was on the show and I can’t make sense out of it. By the way, I was the only fanfic naysayer invited to participate (and then only included in the discussion as a brief after-thought).  He spent the bulk of the show talking to the two dimwits who felt there’s no difference between a modern retelling of PRIDE AND PREJUDICE and STAR TREK mpreg fic (for one thing, the authors the fanficcers are ripping off are still alive)  So it’s no surprise the host ultimately comes out in favor of fanfic…or at least his blurry notion of it.

Common sense about music makes me wonder why any of it should be
copyrighted. Music is not something human beings own; it something
people love, make and do every hour of the day, socially and alone. So
much of the music I love is recreated: like Brahms’ transcription of
Bach’s Chaconne for left-hand-only at the piano, or Chucho Valdes’
reconception of Chopin’s Preludes as jazz. Up with imitation, then, and
the geniuses who can make it original.

Trekkies and Kiddie Porn

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05Maclean’s Magazine investigates the revelation that a surprising number of pedophiles arrested by the Toronto Police are Trekkies:

The first thing detectives from the Toronto
police sex crimes unit saw when they entered Roderick Cowan’s apartment
was an autographed picture of William Shatner. Along with the photos on
the computer of Scott Faichnie, also busted for possessing child porn,
they found a snapshot of the pediatric nurse and Boy Scout leader
wearing a dress "Federation" uniform. Another suspect had a TV remote
control shaped like a phaser. Yet another had a Star Trek
credit card in his wallet. One was using "Picard" as his screen name.
In the 3 1/2 years since police in Canada’s biggest city established a
special unit to tackle child pornography, investigators have been
through so many dwellings packed with sci-fi books, DVDs, toys and
collectibles like Klingon swords and sashes that it’s become a dark
squadroom joke. "We always say there are two types of pedophiles: Star Trek and Star Wars," says Det. Ian Lamond, the unit’s second-in-command. "But it’s mostly Star Trek."

Neva Chonin at the San Francisco Chronicle isn’t convinced there’s a connection.

"Star Trek" fans get no respect. When they’re not being derided for
living in their mothers’ basements, they’re being mocked for studying the
Klingon alphabet. Life for Trekkies is especially tough these days, with their
television franchise finally fading into retirement after decades of spin-off
series and film adaptations.

And now this. An April 27 Los Angeles Times story on the exploits of the
Toronto Police Service’s Sex Crimes Unit reported on "a dark fact" uncovered
by its Child Exploitation Section: "All but one of the offenders they have
arrested in the last four years," the article revealed, "was a hard-core
Trekkie."

Wha … who … huh? I know that the Vulcan mating ritual of Pon Farr can
arouse some unruly passions, but hey. Kiddie porn? Child exploitation among
those benign nerds who flock to comic conventions in their Federation
uniforms? Say it isn’t so. Or at least present plausible evidence why it is…

…Yeah, right. Color me skeptical, but I require a little more to sell me
on the "dark fact" that "all but one of the offenders they have arrested in
the last four years was a hard-core Trekkie." If there’s empirical evidence,
trot it out. (Hard-core Trekkie membership cards? Salacious action figure
dioramas? What?) If there’s a causal relationship, at least try to explain it.
If you "can’t really explain it," don’t bring it up. Geeks get enough grief as
it is, man; they don’t need to be labeled perverts.

“I Was Hoping You Could Tell Me How to Get An Agent”

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If you thought my experience at the San Francisco Writers Conference was a freak occurence, you should read the encounters my brother Tod had at a  writers conference in Palm Springs…

"Oh, well, yes, I’m working on a novel," she said, "but I was hoping you
could tell me how to get an agent."

"Have you finished your book?" 

"No."

"How far along are you?"

She reached into her purse and pulled out a handful of single-spaced pages.
"I’ve done a detailed treatment of my novel," she said, "but I thought maybe I
could find an agent who would complete it for me."

Writing the Treatment

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Bryon Stedman  asked me this question in a comment to another post:

I have a situation where a broadcast entity claims they want to hear my idea for
a boxing series or made for TV movie. The characters belong to my family from a
comic drawn by my father.

If a narrative is they way to go, what are the key points to include? Do I go as far as dialog and cameas shots and locations or simply text with main characters CAPITALIZED? Advice requested and appreciated.

A series treatment and a TV movie treatment are very different. A series treatment sells the characters and the franchise of the show…the relationships and format that will generate stories week after week. A TV movie treatment sells a story.

If the studio is already familiar with your Dad’s comic, I don’t know why they need you to come up with a series treatment…the strip itself sells that or they wouldn’t be interested in the first place.

A series treatment isn’t about telling a story…it’s about describing the characters, how they interact within the unique format of your show. Who are they? What do they do? And how will who they are and what they do generate 100 interesting stories?

For a TV movie treatment, you’re selling the characters and their story.  At this point, you’re trying to sell the broadstrokes…they can pay you to work out the rest. Write up a punchy over-view of what happens in the story, as if you were writing a review of a great movie (only minus the praise). You want to convey the style and tone of the movie. But don’t go into great detail. Keep it short, tight and punchy.And whatever you do, DON’T include camera shots or dialogue.

Don’t fixate on treatment format, because there isn’t one. Tell your story in the style that works best for you. Don’t worry about whether the character names are in capitals or not (it doesn’t matter). Concentrate on telling a strong story.

Don’t Tell Tod I’m Better Looking Than He Is

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My brother Tod has a brilliant post about the dos-and-don’t of writer’s conferences. Here are a few of his rules:

5. Don’t take a novel writing course from someone whose novel is self-published.

7. Don’t ever say, "Can I buy you a drink and talk some shop with you after the
workshop?" Why? I don’t know. I’ve just never liked the term talk some
shop. Plus, after the workshop I’ve got a standing date with one of my
friends to talk about the craziest person in the class and that might be you.

10. Stop attending writer’s conferences. Really. If you’re one of those people
who travels the world attending writer’s conferences and, yet, you never sell
anything, maybe that’s because you spend too much time going to writer’s
conferences. And only go to conferences where someone is teaching you something,
not where you have to sit in a huge room and listen to a panel of people talking
about themselves for two hours. But really: stop attending writer’s conferences.
Go home and write.

The Perfect PublishAmerica Author

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I got this email today:

Hello Lee!  I just received a contract from PA today!  I was wondering if I sent
you my query if maybe you knew of someone more reputable who would be interested
in my work?

People this dumb deserve PublishAmerica. And Dr. Laura. Here’s how I replied:

You have to be joking, right? If you suspect PublishAmerica isn’t
reputable, why would you bother submitting your book to them? Why would you care
if they sent you a contract or not? It’s junk mail. And why would you ask me to
find a publisher for you?
 
I don’t want to see your query. It’s not up to me to get your book sold,
it’s up to you. Or your agent. I’m an author. My job is selling MY books.
 
Finding a reputable publisher isn’t hard. Walk into a bookstore. Look at
the spines of the books on the shelf. Jot the down the name and address of the
publisher (which you can find on the copyright page).  Look them up in the
Writers Market. Look at their web site. Do a Google search for articles and
discussions about them. C’mon, Alisha! Make an effort!   

UPDATE: I have some doubts about whether the email was "real" or not, but I did get a reply from the author today:

Okay, okay!  Sorry to have bothered you.  Please keep in mind that this is the
first book I have ever written, and, obviously, I am not real knowledgeable on
getting it published.  By the way, I did not submit my manuscript to Publish
America knowing that they were not reputable.  I did, however, have the common
sense to do a search before signing the contract.  Thank you for your time.

Why Me?

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I got this email today:

My name is Brad Burchards, a Publishing Consultant with Xlibris, and I would like to inquire if you have any current manuscript or works in progress where you have plans of publishing it once you have completed it.   Here’s a brief intro of our company and services we offer. Xlibris is one of the original and leading print-on-demand publishing service providers. Print-on-demand means that we can publish a book in  as little as one (copy) to as many as a thousand, depending on you -the author. Our publishing costs are as
follows…

I don’t know what made Brad think I’d be interested in his pitch. What mailing list from hell did they harvest my name from? (I’ve asked him… we’ll see what he says*) Their slogan is "Write your own success," but it should be, "write us a check."

For aspiring writers turned down by every publisher on earth, but still desperate to get their rejected novel into print at any cost,  xLibris will gladly print up your book for $500-1600, depending on what services you’d like. That price doesn’t include the extra charge for their various "marketing" tools like "bookmarks, memo pads, postcards, and business
cards which you can send to friends, family or leave at bookstores, libraries,
etc.."

Yeah, that’s a good idea.  Leave bookmarks for your self-published xlibris novel at libraries. We all know how much librarians appreciate having junk mail left on their counters or handed out to their patrons. And what better place to try to sell your book than a library, where  people go to borrow books without buying them? What incredible marketing savvy!

I don’t think I’ll have xlibris publish my book, but I think I’ll call my buddy Brad for some more of his brilliant marketing tips.

(PS – Brad calls himself a "publishing consultant." What is that? What do publishing consultants do? I’ve never heard of them before. Is that a real job? Are there kids today who dream of one day becoming a "publishing consultant?" Is that like being a "media consultant," "style consultant," or a "tax consultant?" Is he an expert on publishing who lends his astonishing expertise, his wise counsel, to publishing companies and authors? I don’t think so. I think maybe he doesn’t consult about publishing at all. I think…and I’m going out on a limb here…what he does is try to sell you publishing services.  In which case, shouldn’t he call himself a  "publishing salesman?" )

*UPDATE – I heard from Brad. I asked him what mailing list from hell he harvested my name from. Here was his reply:

Dear Mr. Goldberg,

We are sending out e-mails to all authors to advertise our publishing services, basically the e-mail addresses have been generated by our research team. I do apologize it this might have disturbed you in any way.

Tod on Self-Publishing

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My brother Tod has used the letter posted here today from iUniverse CEO Susan Driscoll as a  starting point for his ruminations on self-publishing.

Publication is not a birthright. If you are being rejected by every agent and
publisher in the land, save for those who want you to pay them for your work,
it’s time to take a hard look at what you’ve created. Art for art’s sake is
fine, but if this is the career path you choose, at some point you have to ask if what you’re creating is, indeed,  marketable.

iUniverse CEO Speaks

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I received the email below from Susan Driscoll, CEO of iUniverse.   It is presented here unedited. She has also kindly offered to let me interview her for a Q&A to be posted here in the future. If you have any questions you would like me to ask her (in addition to whatever occurs to me), please share them in the "Comments" to this post. Thanks!

Dear Lee,

I’ve been reading your recent postings regarding iUniverse. Having lived on both sides of the publishing
world-from my experience in traditional publishing and now as CEO of a self-publishing service provider-I have a unique perspective on the publishing business.

One very important correction to your recent posting (and I know that others have pointed this out): the number of iUniverse Star titles is 83 but the number of titles that have sold over 500
copies is many thousands. To qualify for the iUniverse Star program, authors must have sold 500 copies of their book, at least 50% of those through retail channels. If authors are committed to marketing their books and feel that the Star Program will help them enhance those marketing plans and increase book sales, they then apply. When considering titles, we ask
the same key questions that every editor and traditional publisher asks. Is it good? Will it sell? But beyond that we only select the titles that we feel will benefit from the advantages of being in the program. You can see that there are many criteria-promising levels of retail sales, the author application and commitment, and careful consideration by the Star Review Board. That means that there are far fewer books  that reach Star than that sell 500 copies.

The reality of ALL publishing today is that authors are expected to be aggressively involved in marketing.
Traditional publishers will rarely pick up a non-fiction author who doesn’t have
a "platform," and new fiction titles have to be exceptional to even be
considered. By helping authors to self-publish their books, iUniverse gives them
a way to begin building a platform and honing their writing skills. The majority
of authors soon decide that they don’t want to play the marketing game and
that’s fine–they still have the enormous satisfaction of seeing their book in
print. Those authors won’t likely ever get a traditional book contract nor will
many care. It might sound corny, but
there are few accomplishments as great as writing a book and seeing it
published.

Read more

James Bond’s Daughter

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This is an excerpt from a long email I received today from an aspiring writer.

I thought perhaps you may be interested in a project that I am contemplating. Or perhaps give your input on the idea? The idea involves a new Bond movie but not with James, rather "Jane Bond" his estranged daughter? WithAngelina Jolie as "Jane", and Sean Connery as the "Retired" Bond, I really think it could be a blockbuster movie…I would really appreciate your feedback and any information or advice you can give me as to what you think of the idea and how to go about making it happen?

Here’s how I replied: Don’t waste your time on "Jane Bond." For one thing, you don’t own the Bond
character and the people who do are very litigous. For another,
it’s hardly a fresh idea. If you are going to write a screenplay, write
something that is entirely original…not based on any existing characters or
movies. Write something that will showcase your creativity, your ability to
create characters, and your unique story-telling instincts. Don’t write "Daughter of
Bond" or "Sister of Superman" or "Brother-in-Law of Buffy" or a sequel to
"Bullitt." Also don’t think about boxoffice potential or casting possibilities or ad campaigns right
now…just think about telling a terrific story. Good luck!

That was the end of my reply. Bet you thought I’d be snarkier, didn’t you? Must be my sinus medication mellowing me out. Here’s the thing that really struck me, though, about his email: The guy says he’s a film school graduate… you’d think they would have taught him, at some point, that it isn’t a good idea to write a script based on a property you don’t own.