Lee Goldberg

Fanfic Survivor

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Novelist Lorraine Bartlett writes on her blog about her early experiences in fanfic.

I’ve never been ashamed of my writing roots.  I started out writing
classic Star Trek stories when I was a teenager.  These days fanfic has
a seedy reputation and, sad to say, rightly so. […] Back in my day, distribution of these stories was small.  A big
print run was 200 copies.  Now millions of people worldwide can peek at
badly written fan stories from franchises that are still hot.  I can’t
say I blame the writers/producers for objecting. 

It was while she was a fanficcer that she discovered what it feels like to have your work stolen though, ironically, her work was also copyright infringement.

A "fannish" person removed the names of the authors
from the stories in one of my zines (and my story as well) and sold
hundreds, possibly a thousand copies of that fanzine at professionally
run SF/Fantasy conferences.

That was my first taste of what copyright infringement feels like.
I complained to the conference organizers, but since our stories were
quite blatantly copyright infringement themselves, we didn’t have a leg
to stand on.  Still, I hated the fact my work was stolen.

Run Away Screaming from Hilliard & Harris

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I got this email today:

I am thinking about submitting my mystery/romance/thriller to Hilliard & Harris. What can you tell me about them?

In my opinion, Hilliard & Harris are essentially a Print-On-Demand vanity press that gets you to pay on the backend rather than upfront (if you don’t include what you pay to buy copies of your own books). Here’s how they do it:  they load their contract with an enormous number of egregious charges against royalties so that in the highly unlikely event that your book does make money, you won’t see much of it.

For example, they deduct from your sales the cost of returns, cost of printing, cost of shipping, sales transaction costs, cost of insurance, commissions, discounts, cost of promotion, collection costs, taxes, as well as "other reasonable costs,"  just in case they left anything out, like maybe their electric bill and the pizzas they had for lunch.

None of their listed costs, with the exception of returns, are "reasonable" charges against royalties. But since they are primarily a POD publisher, the cost of returns is a moot point anyway. No reputable, legitimate publisher charges authors for printing, shipping, insurance, collections, promotion, commissions, taxes and "sales transaction costs" (whatever the hell those are)…but vanity presses do.

That’s only one example of the many objectionable terms in their loathsome contract, which an author would have to be insane to sign. Run away screaming.

My Brother Gets BURNED

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Today, my brother Tod talks about his new, three-book deal to write original novels based on the USA Network series BURN NOTICE:

How this came about is how many things come about when you’re not
expecting them — your brother calls you from a scratchy phone in
Germany and says, "Hey, do you like the show Burn Notice?" You reply,
"Yeah, I love it. It’s like an Elmore Leonard novel crossed with Steven
Soderbergh’s direction and a dash of Albert Brooks’ mother issues for
good measure. Why?" And then twenty minutes later you’re on the phone
with your agent, 36 hours later you’re making demands of the publisher,
72 hours later you’re sitting down with Matt Nix […]and you’re discussing the show he created, Burn Notice, and then, about
100 hours later, you’re figuring out just how on Earth you’re going to
meet your first deadline — February — without getting hooked on crank
(again)

The Flight from Hell on Air India

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I flew to Germany on Halloween night and, perhaps fittingly, it was a nightmare. Never, ever, EVER fly on Air India. When I got on the plane, the first thing I saw were the torn carpets. Not a good sign. When I got into business class, the first thing I saw were two broken seats. Again, not a good sign.

The overhead luggage bins were full of dirt and crumbs. The walls were stained and, in many places, held together with masking tape. The seats were torn and stained.  The two big televisions hanging from the ceiling were cracked and held together with duct tape. My assigned seat turned out to be broken, so they moved me to another one.I thought about running out of the plane but they’d already sealed the doors and my luggage was in the hold.

I settled in for the long haul. The individual entertainment units are broken, so you have to watch movies on the two TV’s hanging from the ceiling, one of which shows everything in yellow.  If Bollywood musicals are your thing, you’ll love Air India. Luckily, I had my video iPod and it was full of shows to watch.

The snacks and meals are Indian, which is to be expected, but your silverware comes wrapped in a dirty napkin, which is not. I had to request a clean napkin. Amazingly, they had one.

Midway through the flight, my seat collapsed on to the woman behind me. It went completely flat, smacking into her lap. I climbed out of my seat. I tried to lift the seat, but it just fell back onto the poor passenger. The stewardess came over to help…and kept pressing the volume control button on my armrest. Clearly, she had no idea how the seats worked. But we finally managed to get the seat up and folded completely forward (that’s how broken it was). I was moved to yet another seat…my third one of  the flight.

I asked the stewardess why they don’t repair the seats…she said it’s because the plane is so old, they don’t have replacement parts. It made me wonder what condition the rest of the plane was in…particular the parts that make the damn thing fly.

We landed in Frankfurt (and my old seat smacked into the poor passenger again) and then I switched over to a Lufthansa flight to Munich. As soon as I got on the clean, beautiful, new plane…my stomach started doing somersaults. The instant we were at cruising altitude I ran into the restroom and stayed there for the rest of the flight. It was a much better seat than I had on Air India…the airline that had poisoned me.  I spent my first night in Munich in the bathroom of my wonderful hotel.

Aside from the travel hell, the rest of my trip has been great. I had the day to myself on Friday to explore Munich. I have been here many times before, but usually only for the day…and this was the first time I’ve visited when it wasn’t pouring rain or snowing. It was the first time i’d seen the city in the sunshine, thought it was still very cold out (at least for this Southern Californian).

I’ve been consulting with the head writer, producers, and network execs who are working on a new show. I’ve been helping them to find and refine their franchise by teaching them about the different kinds of conflict, the four-act structure and how to use all of that to generate stories that could only be told on their series. I’m essentially teaching an advanced TV writing class and it’s been a lot of fun. Today the writers join us  and I will begin walking  them all through how a writer’s room is run…and the relationship between writers, the studio and the network (at least how it is in the U.S.)

The only downside to this trip is that I haven’t been able to lick my jet lag. I fall asleep around 9:30-10 pm each night and wake up at 3:30-4am each morning. Hopefully that will pass in another day or two…

I’m Boldly Going

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I am heading to Munich this afternoon for ten days to do some consulting for one of the German TV networks, so I may not be posting very often until I return.  I’ve just figured out how to update my blog using my Crackberry, so you may be seeing some  posts with a  Blackberry tag on them. Forgive me if they are awkwardly formatted or typo-ridden.

My winning streak continues

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Not only have I won a BMW and over $2 million this week, now I can have a share of a $19 million fortune just because my last name is Goldberg! I know this is a genuine offer because the situation described in the email sounds completely reasonable, legal, and logical and it came from a lawyer. It feels so good to be rich.

Conyers Dill & Pearman 50 Raffles Place , 18-04 Singapore Land Tower Singapore 048623   Singapore Email: conyersdill212@yahoo.com.hk                              
My names are Barrister Conyers Dill , an attorney at law. A deceased client of mine, who here in after shall be referred to as my client, died as the result of a heart-related condition on the 11 November 2003. His heart condition was due to the death of all the members of his family in the Luxair Fokker-50 turboprop plane – Flight LG9642/LH2420 -Wednesday, 6 November, 2002, 18:54 GMT as reported on:  http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/2409267.stm

  I have contacted you to assist in distributing the money left behind by my client before it is confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this deposit valued at Nineteen million dollars (US$19 million dollars) is lodged. This bank has issued me a notice to contact the next of kin, or the account will be confiscated.   My proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my named client, since you have the same last name, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Then we can share the amount on a mutually agreed-upon percentage. All legal documents to back up your claim as my client’s next-of-kin will be provided. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through.
    This will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from many breach of the law. If this business proposition offends your moral values, do accept my apology. I must use this opportunity to implore you to exercise the utmost indulgence to keep this matter extraordinary confidential, whatever your decision, while I await your prompt response. Please contact me at once to indicate your interest. I will like you to acknowledge the receipt of this e-mail as soon as possible and treat with absolute confidentiality and sincerity. I look forward to your quick reply.   

Best regards,
Conyers Dill

Attorney at Law.

My Favorite Email Scam of the Year

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I got this email today. I am so excited. I’ve won a BMW "Saloon car" (I guess it comes with a wet bar) and "a cash of $850,000,00."

The BMW Group UK.
International Awareness Promotion Department.
22 Garden Close, Stamford Lincs, PE9 2YP
London, United Kingdom.

Ref: BMW/2551256003/23
Dear Lucky Email Owner,

We are happy to announce that you are a lucky winner of the BMW International Awareness Promotion. This makes you a proud owner of a brand new BMW 5 Series, M Sport Saloon car and a cash of $850,000.00. The car comes with a special BMW Insurance Cover for one year and a one year warranty and FREE repairs at any BMW Automobile depot or service station worldwide.

For you to collect your prize, kindly contact our Prize Remittance Unit through email stating your receipt of this notification. When sending an email to the office, you are to send the following information which would enable him process your prize.

1. FULL NAME:
2. SEX:
3. AGE:
4. NATIONALITY:
5. FULL RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS:
6. CITY:
7. STATE:
8. ZIP CODE:
9. OCCUPATION:
10. PHONE NUMBER:
11. FAX:
12. ALTERNATIVE EMAIL ADDRESS:

BMW Prize Remittance Unit (Spain) E-mail: alexhooper@bmwpromotion-uk.org
Tel: +34-63- 401-5428

Congratulations once more, and keep trusting BMW Automobile for top quality
automobiles.

Best Regards, Graddon Danny Ray II (Engr.)Online Promotion Manager.

This email was sent from an email account of BMW (UK)  Limited which is a
company registered in England and Wales with Registration Number 1378137 and has its offices at Ellesfield Avenue, Bracknell, Berkshire, RG12 8TA.

Hollywood and Crime

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Hcsigning
Bob Levinson, the dashing fellow on the far left in the photo (he’s always the dashing fellow at the far left, we call that "The Levinson Pose"), sent me this souvenir of the first HOLLYWOOD AND CRIME signing at Mystery Bookstore. The other suave gents are bookseller Bobby McCue, myself, and fellow anthology contributors Ken Kuhlken and Gar Anthony Haywood (also known as "Ray Shannon"). We’ll be gathering again at Men of Mystery in Irvine next month and at Mysteries to Die For in Thousand Oaks….where we will be joined by Dick Lochte and Gary Phillips.

Going After Airleaf

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Over seventy authors who were screwed out of thousands of dollars by the Airleaf Publishing scam are banding together in the hopes of exposing "a company founded on fraud" and putting the owners in jail. The effort is spearheaded by Bonnie Kaye, a relationship counselor who paid Airleaf $1800 to publish her book on "straight/gay" marraiges.

My book came out the same week that former Governor James McGreevey’s book “The Confession” was released. I launched my own media campaign, and I was interviewed Paula Zahn on CNN and the national FOX news. Sales were booming. Airleaf kept telling me that I was their most successful author.

I was feeling so good about Airleaf at that point of time that I volunteered to talk to prospective authors who were on the fence. I now live with the guilt of convincing them to follow me down the road of doom.

But Airleaf didn’t cough up her royalties and she’s since learned of authors who have lost as much as $20,000 on the scam.

Author Frederick Martin-Del-Campo – Chronicles Of War And A Wanderer. Airleaf royally diddled me: I invested over $10,000.00 to have my one book turned into a best seller, and another taken to Hollywood and turned into a movie. They utterly made a fool of me, let alone the countless other authors they defrauded. The Airleaf agents gave me a runaround of answers when I tried to inquire about my investments and publication of books. Now, no one has deigned to reply. They have totally screwed me!"

Her many quotes from her fellow Airleaf suckers is doubly infuriating:  you’re pissed at the Airleaf conmen for preying on the desperation and ignorance of these wanna-be authors…but, at the same time,  these people were so stupid and painfully gullible that it’s hard to feel any sympathy for them.

This Will Cause a Fanfic Frenzy…

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The Associated Press reports that JK Rowling made a surprise revelation in New York this week when asked by a fan at a signing if Dumbledore every finds "true
love."

"Dumbledore is gay," the author responded to gasps and
applause.

She then explained that Dumbledore was smitten with rival
Gellert Grindelwald, whom he defeated long ago in a battle between
good and bad wizards. "Falling in love can blind us to an
extent," Rowling said of Dumbledore’s feelings, adding that
Dumbledore was "horribly, terribly let down."

Dumbledore’s love, she observed, was his "great tragedy."

"Oh, my god," Rowling concluded with a laugh, "the fan
fiction."