#1 New York Times Bestselling Author & TV Producer
Reading MONK has become a family affair for the Richardsons of El Segundo, California, who sent me this photo and this nice note: "Sorry to beat you out of book sales but we pass each copy from one generation to the next; Grandma, Mom & Daughter. We are looking forward to Paris! Ellen, Susan, & Robin." They won't have to wait long — I am sending them a galley of MR. MONK IS MISERABLE.
I debated whether to post this email or not with the actual producer's name in it. I decided that I probably shouldn't but I will give you this hint…I have sparred with him here before, which is why I got this email:
Yes, you are getting scammed. No legitimate producer or agent would ask
you for a fee. A producer also doesn't ask for, or get, a commission on sales. He may have been a "real" producer once…but if he is asking you for $600, he's not any more.
This email is so stupid, that I have to wonder if it was sent as a prank:
Although I have my doubts that the email is legit, I answered it as if it was. Here is what I said…
Why on earth would I, the author of the MONK novels, be interested in reading your MONK novel? Would you send a spec Spenser novel to Robert B. Parker? A spec Inspector Rebus novel to Ian Rankin? A Harry Bosch novel to Michael Connelly? Not that I am comparing myself to Parker, Rankin or Connelly, I am not in their league…I am just trying to make a point about how idiotic your request is. I can't imagine how you could have thought that it was a good idea.
Then again, I can't imagine why you would write an entire novel on spec about a character you didn't create and don't own. I didn't create MONK, either…nor did I write a MONK novel on spec. I was hired by the creator of MONK and Penguin/Putnam to write MONK novels for them ..and now I have a multi-book deal that makes me the exclusive author of the books for several years to come.
I recommend that you write original novels that are NOT based on any pre-existing movie or television property. Tie-ins novels are assignments given to established writers by publishers who have licensed the characters from the studios…you don't simply send in a spec HOUSE or THE CLOSER novel to a publisher and hope for a sale.
On top of that, why would you send a novel to another author in the hopes of getting a job (not just any job, but his job)? Authors don't hire authors, publishers and editors do.
Charmi congratulated me on turning in MR. MONK AND THE DIRTY COP and asked:
Out of curiousity, how much work will you still have to do on it? At this point in writing Monk novels, do you get many change requests from the editor? Or, can you pretty much consider this "done"?
A month or two after that, I will receive the typeset galley, also known as the advance proofs, which is basically an unbound version of what the final book will look like. The editor, copyeditor and I read through it for errors (although we inevitably miss two or three big ones, much to my embarrassment) and send it on to production.
At that point, my job on the book is done…if you don't count promotion (like going to book signings, attending conferences, speaking at libraries, etc.)
I got an email today from an author who wanted to convince me that her POD novel was terrific and that I should read it. She wrote:
My book XYZ won a Reviewers Choice in Affaire de
Coeur, five wonderful reviews on Amazon and I’ve
developed a smallish but loyal following who want my next books as soon
as it comes out.
I cringed when I read that. It’s bad enough when an aspiring writer makes the mistake of going to a POD vanity press or having their book published by an amateur POD pseudo-press run by a barely literate, self-published author. But when you promote your book by touting your “five wonderful reviews on Amazon” you only make yourself look like a fool. Those reviews are meaningless.
Don’t get me wrong, they are nice to have, flattering to you personally, and might sway a browsing customer to buy your book. I am grateful for every positive review that I get from readers on Amazon and other online bookselling sites.
But never, ever, EVER use those reader reviews as a selling point to an agent, editor, or reviewer or they will run screaming away from you and write you off forever as a wanna-be.
Nobody in the publishing business cares about five positive reviews on Amazon. Nobody. Getting a 150 positive reviews might attract some attention but even then what really counts are actual sales.
And what, exactly, is a “smallish but loyal following?” Ten people? Fifty? A hundred? Your Mom and her friends around the pool at the retirement home? Again, it’s sales that count, and moving a few dozen books still isn’t going to attract much attention. Nor will a couple of hundred. But a thousand sales will get you noticed. That’s something you can tout…if you can back up the claim.
UPDATE 7-29-08: The author of the email is published by Light Sword Publishing, which is co-owned by the advertising director of Affaire De Coeur. So if all this author has to tout her book is a review from the magazine and “five wonderful reviews” on Amazon (one of which was from *another* Light Sword author), she’d be better off letting her book speak for itself.
Based on the emails I have been getting lately, TV show fans who are aspiring writers seem to have a fundamental mis-understanding about how tie-in novels get written and published. They think that you just send in your fanfiction and the editor picks the best of them to be the official tie-in (I guess we can blame STAR TREK for that…the publishing franchise has occasionally snapped up unsolicited manuscripts). Here’s an excerpt from an email that I got yesterday:
I’m writing because you have authored a number of books for
various series, and I’m in the infant stages of attempting to do the
same thing. A longtime friend and I have both been writing for many
years- and also happen to have a very similar style. We are planning to collaborate on a novel for the USA series Psych. What I’m hoping you’d be willing to share with me are the
requirements for gaining permissions to actually step forward with this
process. […] I am simply looking for the entrance ramp to get me on the
publishing freeway (sorry, that was a horrid analogy).
Don’t waste your time and
effort, Tanya, I’m afraid that you’re too late…there already are PSYCH novels being
written by William Rabkin. He has a contract for three books with
Penguin/Putnam. The first PSYCH novel comes out in January, the second
in July. Even if there weren’t already PSYCH books in the works, I
would have given you the same advice. Studios routinely “shop” their
successful TV series to publishers (if the publishers haven’t already
come to them first). Once a publisher pays for the license, they hire
writers to pen the books. Usually those writers are people the editors either
already know or who are established in the business and who can be
trusted to deliver a book on deadline.The “entrance ramp” into publishing isn’t complicated: write a good ORIGINAL novel, not a tie-in based on other
people’s characters. That’s how I got in, that’s how every author I know got in.
A self-published author sent me this email today. I have removed his name to save him embarrassment.
I, XYZ, author of the book [Really Pretentious Title] am looking for an agent who will work on percentage. I am
planning on publishing two more books in the near future. If you are interested
please feel free to call me at ###-###-####.
I replied that first of all, I am not an agent, so why would I be interested? And even if I was an agent, his pitch has no salesmanship whatsoever. Why would any legitimate agent bother to respond? It’s amazing to me how clueless some people are. It’s no wonder the vanity presses do such good business.
I also got a note from a Monk fan, who is troubled by something on the covers:
In the books, you mention that
everything in Monk’s life must be an even number or it upsets him to much.
However, in the show and on the cover of the books, he is wearing a jacket with
three buttons on it. Is there a reason why? I just happened to notice and would
like to know why.
I replied:
Why? Because Monk isn’t real. the person on the cover is an actor. I mean no offense by that answer, but there are lots of continuity
mistakes in the show….which is bound to happen,
since it’s all make-believe anyway. It’s not always possible,
economical, or reasonable to remain consistent with everything that’s
said and done in 100 hours of tv (and seven books) . The priority for
everyone involved is to make an entertaining, great-looking
show…whether Monk, or rather the actor portraying him, is wearing three buttons on his jacket or not ultimately doesn’t
matter. You could also argue, for instance, that all of his shirts and
his jackets have a pattern on them that isn’t consistent or
symmetrical…so how can he ever wear them, regardless of how many
buttons they have? Bottom line…it looks good and its cheaper for the
wardrobe department. So my advice is to relax, it’s just a TV show!
My favorite email of the weekend (so far) comes from someone who wants my help usurping me as the only author of MONK novels. He wrote, in part:
A friend and I co-wrote a script for
MONK […] I notice that you write books based on the MONK series, and was
hoping you could tell me what my friend and I can do to turn our script
into a book. […] I figure you are the expert
here. Please, what do we need to do? What permissions do we ask for,
and would we have to contact the network? I hope you can help us. We love the show, we’ve grown very close to the characters, and we believe we have a good storyline here.
I congratulated him on completing their spec script and told him that, unfortunately, my publisher isn’t in the
market for other writers for the MONK books since they have me under contract for a few more and I seem to be doing a pretty good job at it. What chutzpah. Did he really think I’d help him take my job? He got right back to me:
My co-writer and I wondered if you would be interested in our script,
in terms of you turning it into a book. (And we both think we’ve seen
at least one other MONK book written by someone else. Is that possible?) It’s awfully hard to let go of this plot. We would love to see
someone turn this into a MONK story, one way or the other.
I informed him that he was mistaken about another author writing MONK novels and I politely passed on his generous offer to use their screenplay as the basis for a book.
I got an email this evening from a woman who was offended by an off-hand opinion expressed by Natalie in MR. MONK IN OUTER SPACE:
There was a part where
Natalie describes listening to NPR, getting a dose of “left-leaning
news” and “liberal commentary.” NPR is a nonpartisan organization that
offers only the facts when delivering news updates. I mean, nothing
personal, but I dont like reading Natalie’s thoughts about anything,
but that was pretty outrageous. I get so frustrated because I really
like Monk but the fact that that was said, I don’t know if I can
continue reading them. Why can’t the book be in the third person?
Of all the things someone could be offended by in the book, I never would have picked the comment about NPR. I thought of a lot of smart-ass replies, but instead I wrote:
I’m a big fan of NPR, too, and I
contribute money each year to my local NPR station, but surely you know
as well as I do that the network is widely perceived as having a
liberal slant. Whether it is true or not, it’s a perception that
Natalie happens to share. It’s a shame that you don’t like hearing Natalie’s thoughts because I intend to continue writing the books in her voice.
I got this email today:
Hi,
Who the hell you are indeed!Happened to come across
your website and couldn’t believe all the crap you have written about
iuniverse. I did publish with them not because I had a choice, but
because none of the so called legitimate publishers would take a look
at anything that is written by a person like me.Why am
I bothering writing to you? Because, indirectly, you are raining on my
parade. And I do not like it!
It’s not my problem that you have a hard time facing the truth. iUniverse is a vanity press, pure and simple. iUniverse isn’t a publisher. They are a printer. They will print anything from anyone as long as the customer has a credit card. You still haven’t been published, you have merely gone to the online equivalent of Kinkos to have your manuscript printed in something resembling a paperback book.
Of course you "had a choice." When genuine publishers declined to publish your manuscript, you chose to pay to have it printed by an online printing company rather than rewrite it, or stick it in a drawer, or move on to something else.
The fact is, you still haven’t been published. You are deluding yourself if you think otherwise. In all likelihood, you will never get anything close to your investment back. That is the reality.
UPDATE: For the heck of it, I looked up the author’s POD book. Not only did she pay iUniverse to print it, she also paid bookreview.com to give her a positive review. How sad.
UPDATE 5-17-08: She wrote to me again. She wrote, in part:
What you are stating is from the point of view of
someone seeking recognition and making a living from writing. However, there are
people like me who do not share your ambitions. As long as my book gets in the
library, on the shelve of a bookstore, or is available through thousands of
retailers all over the world so people who share my concerns on particular
issues can buy my books, I have achieved my goal.
I replied, in part:
That’s the fallacy.
iUniverse books DON’T get into libraries, on the shelves of bookstores, or into
thousands of retailers all over the world. They have no distribution. They are not available in brick-and-mortar stores. Your book
can be found at web sites like iUniverse (and who shops there??) and Amazon, though even that will be ending soon, since they will stop carrying POD
titles that they don’t print themselves. The fact is, 99% of booksellers and libraries won’t touch a
print-on-demand, vanity press title.I am glad you are a happy
customer of iUniverse…that’s great. But that doesn’t negate any of the things
I have said about them or the vanity press industry…or how they prey on the
desperation and gullibility of aspiring authors, whether you want to make a
living as one or not.
She also wrote:
All that speculations about my personal circumstances are nothing more
than a demonstration of pointless arrogance. I did not sent you an email to
seek some sort of validation from you, to ask your advice or to open my eyes to
the "truth". It was the fact that in your obsessive–smart ass attitude
towards iuniverse–you forgot, or failed to make the distinction between the
institution and the people who benefit from its existence. It shows certain lack
of imagination when one can’t separate one from the other. Pissing on people’s
parade (I have been too generous in using the conventional metaphor) is not
the right way to get even with iuniverse or any other ‘vanity press’.Thank Goodness, we do not share the same perception of reality, for I do
not live in your bubble.
Here’s an example of how NOT to promote your book. I got this email today (I’ve removed the name of the book to spare the author justified embarrassment):
Dear Lee,
First I want to thank
you for the opportunity of my book, The XYZ, being reviewed by you.
I would be happy to send a copy of my book via UPS. Please forward a
physical address where I may send it.
My website for the “The XYZ” is www.XYZ.com.
I look forward to both your thoughts and review.
If you have any questions or further information that you require, please contact me.
Does he really think that anyone would ask for a copy of his book after reading this email? The way he has awkwardly worded this email, it appears as if I have agreed to read his book when, in fact, I have never heard of him. With writing and promoting skills like his ("thank you for the opportunity of my book"), it’s no wonder that he’s "published" by Authorhouse, the notorious vanity press…