The Mail I Get

The Mail I Get

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James-roday-psych
Based on the emails I have been getting lately, TV show fans who are aspiring writers seem to have a fundamental mis-understanding about how tie-in novels get written and published. They think that you just send in your fanfiction and the editor picks the best of them to be the official tie-in (I guess we can blame STAR TREK for that…the publishing franchise has occasionally snapped up unsolicited manuscripts). Here’s an excerpt from an email that I got yesterday:

I’m writing because you have authored a number of books for
various series, and I’m in the infant stages of attempting to do the
same thing.  A longtime friend and I have both been writing for many
years- and also happen to have a very similar style.  We are planning to collaborate on a novel for the USA series Psych. What I’m hoping you’d be willing to share with me are the
requirements for gaining permissions to actually step forward with this
process. […] I am simply looking for the entrance ramp to get me on the
publishing freeway (sorry, that was a horrid analogy).

I replied:

Don’t waste your time and
effort, Tanya, I’m afraid that you’re too late…there already are PSYCH novels being
written by William Rabkin. He has a contract for three books with
Penguin/Putnam. The first PSYCH novel comes out in January, the second
in July. Even if there weren’t already PSYCH books in the works, I
would have given you the same advice.  Studios routinely “shop” their
successful TV series to publishers (if the publishers haven’t already
come to them first). Once a publisher pays for the license, they hire
writers to pen the books. Usually those writers are people the editors either
already know or who are established in the business and who can be
trusted to deliver a book on deadline.

The “entrance ramp” into publishing isn’t complicated: write a good ORIGINAL novel, not a tie-in based on other
people’s characters. That’s how I got in, that’s how every author I know got in.

The Mail I Get – July 4th Weekend Edition

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A self-published author sent me this email today. I have removed his name to save him embarrassment.

I, XYZ, author of the book [Really Pretentious Title] am looking for an agent who will work on percentage. I am
planning on publishing two more books in the near future. If you are interested
please feel free to call me at ###-###-####.

I replied that first of all, I am not an agent, so why would I be interested? And even if I was an agent, his pitch  has no salesmanship whatsoever. Why would any legitimate agent bother to respond? It’s amazing to me how clueless some people are. It’s no wonder the vanity presses do such good business.

I also got a note from a Monk fan, who is troubled by something on the covers:

In the books, you mention that
everything in Monk’s life must be an even number or it upsets him to much.
However, in the show and on the cover of the books, he is wearing a jacket with
three buttons on it. Is there a reason why? I just happened to notice and would
like to know why.

I replied:

Why? Because Monk isn’t real. the person on the cover is an actor. I mean no offense by that answer, but there are lots of continuity
mistakes in the show….which is bound to happen,
since it’s all make-believe anyway. It’s not always possible,
economical, or reasonable to remain consistent with everything that’s
said and done in 100 hours of tv (and seven books) . The priority for
everyone involved is to make an entertaining, great-looking
show…whether Monk, or rather the actor portraying him, is wearing three buttons on his jacket or not ultimately doesn’t
matter. You could also argue, for instance, that all of his shirts and
his jackets have a pattern on them that isn’t consistent or
symmetrical…so how can he ever wear them, regardless of how many
buttons they have? Bottom line…it looks good and its cheaper for the
wardrobe department. So my advice is to relax, it’s just a TV show!

My favorite email of the weekend (so far) comes from someone who wants my help usurping me as the only author of MONK novels. He wrote, in part:

A friend and I co-wrote a script for
MONK […] I notice that you write books based on the MONK series, and was
hoping you could tell me what my friend and I can do to turn our script
into a book. […] I figure you are the expert
here. Please, what do we need to do? What permissions do we ask for,
and would we have to contact the network? I hope you can help us. We love the show, we’ve grown very close to the characters, and we believe we have a good storyline here.

I congratulated him on completing their spec script and told him that, unfortunately, my publisher isn’t in the
market for other writers for the MONK books since they have me under contract for a few more and I seem to be doing a pretty good job at it. What chutzpah. Did he really think I’d help him take my job? He got right back to me:

My co-writer and I wondered if you would be interested in our script,
in terms of you turning it into a book. (And we both think we’ve seen
at least one other MONK book written by someone else. Is that possible?) It’s awfully hard to let go of this plot. We would love to see
someone turn this into a MONK story, one way or the other.

I informed him that he was mistaken about another author writing MONK novels and I politely passed on his generous offer to use their screenplay as the basis for a book.

The Mail I Get

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I got an email this evening from a woman who was offended by an off-hand opinion expressed by Natalie in MR. MONK IN OUTER SPACE:

There was a part where
Natalie describes listening to NPR, getting a dose of “left-leaning
news” and “liberal commentary.” NPR is a nonpartisan organization that
offers only the facts when delivering news updates. I mean, nothing
personal, but I dont like reading Natalie’s thoughts about anything,
but that was pretty outrageous. I get so frustrated because I really
like Monk but the fact that that was said, I don’t know if I can
continue reading them. Why can’t the book be in the third person?

Of all the things someone could be offended by in the book, I never would have picked the comment about NPR. I thought of a lot of smart-ass replies, but instead I wrote:

I’m a big fan of NPR, too, and I
contribute money each year to my local NPR station, but surely you know
as well as I do that the network is widely perceived as having a
liberal slant. Whether it is true or not, it’s a perception that
Natalie happens to share. It’s a shame that you don’t like hearing Natalie’s thoughts because I intend to continue writing the books in her voice.

 


The Mail I Get

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I got this email today:

Hi,
Who the hell you are indeed!
Happened to come across
your website and couldn’t believe all the crap you have written about
iuniverse. I did publish with them not because I had a choice, but
because none of the so called legitimate publishers would take a look
at anything that is written by a person like me.   
Why am
I bothering writing to you? Because, indirectly, you are raining on my
parade. And I do not like it!

It’s not my problem that you have a hard time facing the truth. iUniverse is a vanity press, pure and simple.  iUniverse isn’t a publisher. They are a printer. They will print anything from anyone as long as the customer has a credit card. You still haven’t been published, you have merely gone to the online equivalent of Kinkos to have your manuscript printed in something resembling a paperback book.

Of course you "had a choice."  When genuine publishers declined to publish your manuscript, you chose to pay to have it printed by an online printing company rather than rewrite it, or stick it in a drawer, or move on to something else. 

The fact is, you still haven’t been published. You are deluding yourself if you think otherwise. In all likelihood, you will never get anything close to your investment back. That is the reality.

UPDATE: For the heck of it, I looked up the author’s POD book. Not only did she pay iUniverse to print it, she also paid bookreview.com to give her a positive review. How sad.

UPDATE 5-17-08: She wrote to me again. She wrote, in part:

What you are stating is from the point of view of
someone seeking recognition and making a living from writing. However, there are
people like me who do not share your ambitions. As long as my book gets in the
library, on the shelve of a bookstore, or is available through thousands of
retailers all over the world so people who share my concerns on particular
issues can buy my books, I have achieved my goal.

I replied, in part:

That’s the fallacy.
iUniverse books DON’T get into libraries, on the shelves of bookstores, or into
thousands of retailers all over the world. They have no distribution. They are not available in brick-and-mortar stores. Your book
can be found at web sites like iUniverse (and who shops there??) and Amazon, though even that will be ending soon, since they will stop carrying POD
titles that they don’t print themselves. The fact is, 99% of booksellers and libraries won’t touch a
print-on-demand, vanity press title.

I am glad you are a happy
customer of iUniverse…that’s great. But that doesn’t negate any of the things
I have said about them or the vanity press industry…or how they prey on the
desperation and gullibility of aspiring authors, whether you want to make a
living as one or not.

She also wrote:

All that speculations about my personal circumstances are nothing more
than a demonstration of pointless arrogance. I did not sent you an email to
seek some sort of validation from you, to ask your advice or to open my eyes to
the "truth". It was the  fact that in your obsessive–smart ass attitude
towards  iuniverse–you forgot, or failed to make the distinction between the
institution and the people who benefit from its existence. It shows certain lack
of imagination when one can’t separate one from the other. Pissing on people’s
parade (I have been too generous in using the conventional metaphor) is not
the right way to get even with iuniverse or any other ‘vanity press’.
 
Thank Goodness, we do not share the same perception of reality, for I do
not live in your bubble.

The Mail I Get

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Here’s an example of how NOT to promote your book. I got this email today (I’ve removed the name of the book to spare the author justified embarrassment):

Dear Lee,

 

First I want to thank
you for the opportunity of my book, The XYZ, being reviewed by you.
I would be happy to send a copy of my book via UPS. Please forward a
physical address where I may send it.

 

My website for the “The XYZ” is www.XYZ.com.

 

I look forward to both your thoughts and review.

 

If you have any questions or further information that you require, please contact me.

Does he really think that anyone would ask for a copy of his book after reading this email? The way he has awkwardly worded this email, it appears as if I have agreed to read his book when, in fact, I have never heard of him.  With writing and promoting skills like his ("thank you for the opportunity of my book"), it’s no wonder that he’s "published" by Authorhouse, the notorious vanity press… 

For pointers, he should read this    and this.

The Mail I Get, The Sequel

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I got an email the other day from a writer who had come up with a MONK scene he wanted me to read to see if either I, or the producers, would use it in a book or episode. The scene was attached to the email. I deleted the message without reading the scene (for obvious legal reasons). I sent him a note telling him that was what I had done. I also told him that there really isn’t a market for individual scenes. He replied:

If it helps at all, I didn’t
write it with the thought of fiscal renumeration. Would it make any difference
to consider it as a friendly collaboration among writers? You can have it. Tweak
it, rip it up and start over, whatever. Frankly, with my career just getting off
the ground (Some short fiction published, and I have a novel being reviewed by
an imprint of Simon & Schuster), even giving this away is beneficial to
building my ‘name.’

It makes me cringe when aspiring writers think someone is going to be impressed that they sent their manuscript in to a publisher and are waiting to hear from them(ie "under review at Simon & Schuster"). But I let that go and didn’t mention it when I replied:


No offense intended, but I have no interest in seeing the scene or any
other MONK material you may come up with. And if I may give you some
advice, sending unsolicited scenes to authors and producers you don’t
know is unprofessional and is actually harmful to your reputation.  The
best way to build your name is by writing good stories and getting them
published or produced…not sending "scenes" to other writers and hoping they will incorporate them into their own work.

 

The Mail I Get

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I got this email the other day:

Have you ever heard of "Writers Book Publishing Agency"? That’s the name. Seemed a bit generic to me, so I am suspicious. Their web page indicates that they are a reletively new lit agency, and are seeking authors. Having tried to obtain an agent for a year now, they sound too good to bet true. Their client list went like this: Joe, who is an electronic engineer wrote his first book…..etc….etc.  Mary, a housewife, is working on her second novel in which she…..etc…..etc. I know the authors need their privacy – but…….does this not sound suspicious to you?

Of course it does. And it should sound suspicious to anyone with an iota of common sense.

They are a well-known scam that has also gone by the the names "Children’s Literary Agency," "The Literary Agency Group, Inc" and "ST Literary Agency,"
among others. Your first tip-off that they aren’t legit should be their name:  "Writers Book Publishing Agency." What reputable agency would call
themselves that? Agents aren’t book publishers.

If the name of the company wasn’t tip-off enough, you’ll notice they don’t list a single author among their clients, only plumbers, housewives and, well, other suckers.

Writer’s Beware lists the "agency" among their top twenty worst agents. You can find out more about them here:

               
   

The Mail I Get

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I got this email today:

Why are you so hard on print-on-demand publishers? It’s the wave of the future. You seem to think if a publisher is strictly POD that they are a scam.

You are mixing two different thoughts…publishing and technology. Let’s deal with the "publishing" aspect first.

Being a POD press, in and of itself, doesn’t mean
that they are dishonest. But the likelihood of you selling many books, or
getting any critical notice, when going with a POD press are extraordinarily slim.
POD presses are notoriously
fly-by-night and financially unstable.  Why? Because anybody with a credit card can start a POD press and call
themselves a publisher, whether or not they have any experience at editing, distribution, promotion, or running a business. So the quality of the editing, cover art, and
professionalism is often iffy at best. Most POD presses are launched by
aspiring authors who want to publish their own work and, sadly, many are also started by scammers who prey on the gullibility and desperation of wannabe writers.

As  for the print-on-demand technology, I don’t know whether it is the "wave of the future" but it is being embraced by more and more real publishers for printing galleys and keeping their backlist alive (which presents challenging issues for authors  in dealing with publishers, who can use POD to claim their books are never "out of print" and the rights never revert back). Whether POD will ever replace traditional off-set printing of trade paperbacks…well, that’s yet to be seen.

The Mail I Get

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I received this email today from a complete stranger. It’s a good example of how NOT to sell a book. 

Please order my book XYZ at http://www.publishamerica.com
and tell all your friends about it to. I have attached a release letter for you
so you can read what it is about. Please order it and then tell all your reader
friends so they can order it too. Maybe then I can become on my way to wealth.
Thank you for your time.

By "release letter," she means a press release from PublishAmerica that  contains an incoherent, one-paragraph summary of the book’s plot and some lies about the company being a "traditional publisher." I’m trying to imagine how anyone could think that this pitch would sell any books.

The Mail I Get

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I received a lengthy email today from a woman in her 50s. It read, in part:

Who are the publishers that PAY “unknowns”
for their work?  How do I contact them? I’m an unknown author, writing a book about tragedy, near death experiences, and years of living with pain and how I learned to cope with
it all; and how God miraculously healed me of a debilitating, incurable disease.
My book is ready to be published. I worked with a literary agent (author coach)
for about three years. He got me a contract with Axiom Press, a subsidiary of
Evergreen Press.  But their cost to publish and market my book was between
$3,800 & $6,500 (depending on what services I chose).  I’m not
rich, do not have a big savings account and can not afford this!

[…]isn’t the biggest part of the money paid to the
publisher for marketing purposes?   That’s the way it seems to
me.[…]if I use a
POD and have to pay for all the marketing, etc.  Isn’t that going to
cost me in the long run, much more time and money that going through someone
like Tate? And who will set up my book signings?

Here’s what I told her: Every publisher buys books from unknown authors every day. You contact them through an agent. If they like your book, they offer you an advance against royalties. Your agent gets 10-15% of that advance, you get the rest. And if you earn your advance back in sales, you will get a royalty from every book that’s sold. You don’t advance the agent, or the publisher, a dime. That’s how publishing works.

An agent, or "author coach," who sets you up with someone who wants to charge you to publish your book is either a fool or a fraud. Either way, it’s a mistake to be in business with him, he doesn’t know what he is doing. 

The money you pay a vanity press isn’t going into marketing. It’s going into their car lease, their house payment, and their kid’s braces. It doesn’t matter whether it’s Tate or Jones Harvest or anybody else. They are all taking advantage of your desperation, gullibility and ignorance. 

But if you are hell-bent on paying to be published, save your money and go with iUniverse or Lulu. You’ll get the same "services" for a lot less.

The fact is that no vanity press is going to do any useful marketing for you — they will just empty your savings account (and that includes iUniverse). No newspapers or magazines are interested in reviewing any books from vanity press publishers. Nobody at a vanity press is going to set up any meaningful booksignings for you, either, because bookstores don’t want to host events for vanity press authors. Why? Because the vast majority of vanity press books are ugly, horrendous crap.

It’s cheaper, and more productive, to approach the bookstores on your own…something even professional authors do (and no one does it better than my friend author Joe Konrath).  Most of the successful authors I know have worked hard to establish strong, PERSONAL relationships with booksellers.

So, fire your useless fraud of an agent/coach and if you are going to self-publish,  go with iUniverse or Lulu and avoid any of their marketing packages.

UPDATE 12/29/07:  I heard back from the woman.

No, I do not want to PAY for publishing my
book.  I’ve always been under the impression that a reputable place
pays YOU for your work…but I was given a bunch of mis-information that
they don’t do that these days.  (That’s just the way it is,
and if you get it published you’ll have to pay a publisher because you
are an “unknown”. ) I’m so glad I came upon your web
site before I sent it to someone like Tate! Thanks again – for saving me from a
horrible mistake!