The Mail I Get

Here’s an example of how NOT to promote your book. I got this email today (I’ve removed the name of the book to spare the author justified embarrassment):

Dear Lee,

 

First I want to thank
you for the opportunity of my book, The XYZ, being reviewed by you.
I would be happy to send a copy of my book via UPS. Please forward a
physical address where I may send it.

 

My website for the “The XYZ” is www.XYZ.com.

 

I look forward to both your thoughts and review.

 

If you have any questions or further information that you require, please contact me.

Does he really think that anyone would ask for a copy of his book after reading this email? The way he has awkwardly worded this email, it appears as if I have agreed to read his book when, in fact, I have never heard of him.  With writing and promoting skills like his ("thank you for the opportunity of my book"), it’s no wonder that he’s "published" by Authorhouse, the notorious vanity press… 

For pointers, he should read this    and this.

The Mail I Get, The Sequel

I got an email the other day from a writer who had come up with a MONK scene he wanted me to read to see if either I, or the producers, would use it in a book or episode. The scene was attached to the email. I deleted the message without reading the scene (for obvious legal reasons). I sent him a note telling him that was what I had done. I also told him that there really isn’t a market for individual scenes. He replied:

If it helps at all, I didn’t
write it with the thought of fiscal renumeration. Would it make any difference
to consider it as a friendly collaboration among writers? You can have it. Tweak
it, rip it up and start over, whatever. Frankly, with my career just getting off
the ground (Some short fiction published, and I have a novel being reviewed by
an imprint of Simon & Schuster), even giving this away is beneficial to
building my ‘name.’

It makes me cringe when aspiring writers think someone is going to be impressed that they sent their manuscript in to a publisher and are waiting to hear from them(ie "under review at Simon & Schuster"). But I let that go and didn’t mention it when I replied:


No offense intended, but I have no interest in seeing the scene or any
other MONK material you may come up with. And if I may give you some
advice, sending unsolicited scenes to authors and producers you don’t
know is unprofessional and is actually harmful to your reputation.  The
best way to build your name is by writing good stories and getting them
published or produced…not sending "scenes" to other writers and hoping they will incorporate them into their own work.

 

The Mail I Get

I got this email the other day:

Have you ever heard of "Writers Book Publishing Agency"? That’s the name. Seemed a bit generic to me, so I am suspicious. Their web page indicates that they are a reletively new lit agency, and are seeking authors. Having tried to obtain an agent for a year now, they sound too good to bet true. Their client list went like this: Joe, who is an electronic engineer wrote his first book…..etc….etc.  Mary, a housewife, is working on her second novel in which she…..etc…..etc. I know the authors need their privacy – but…….does this not sound suspicious to you?

Of course it does. And it should sound suspicious to anyone with an iota of common sense.

They are a well-known scam that has also gone by the the names "Children’s Literary Agency," "The Literary Agency Group, Inc" and "ST Literary Agency,"
among others. Your first tip-off that they aren’t legit should be their name:  "Writers Book Publishing Agency." What reputable agency would call
themselves that? Agents aren’t book publishers.

If the name of the company wasn’t tip-off enough, you’ll notice they don’t list a single author among their clients, only plumbers, housewives and, well, other suckers.

Writer’s Beware lists the "agency" among their top twenty worst agents. You can find out more about them here:

               
   

The Mail I Get

I got this email today:

Why are you so hard on print-on-demand publishers? It’s the wave of the future. You seem to think if a publisher is strictly POD that they are a scam.

You are mixing two different thoughts…publishing and technology. Let’s deal with the "publishing" aspect first.

Being a POD press, in and of itself, doesn’t mean
that they are dishonest. But the likelihood of you selling many books, or
getting any critical notice, when going with a POD press are extraordinarily slim.
POD presses are notoriously
fly-by-night and financially unstable.  Why? Because anybody with a credit card can start a POD press and call
themselves a publisher, whether or not they have any experience at editing, distribution, promotion, or running a business. So the quality of the editing, cover art, and
professionalism is often iffy at best. Most POD presses are launched by
aspiring authors who want to publish their own work and, sadly, many are also started by scammers who prey on the gullibility and desperation of wannabe writers.

As  for the print-on-demand technology, I don’t know whether it is the "wave of the future" but it is being embraced by more and more real publishers for printing galleys and keeping their backlist alive (which presents challenging issues for authors  in dealing with publishers, who can use POD to claim their books are never "out of print" and the rights never revert back). Whether POD will ever replace traditional off-set printing of trade paperbacks…well, that’s yet to be seen.

The Mail I Get

I received this email today from a complete stranger. It’s a good example of how NOT to sell a book. 

Please order my book XYZ at http://www.publishamerica.com
and tell all your friends about it to. I have attached a release letter for you
so you can read what it is about. Please order it and then tell all your reader
friends so they can order it too. Maybe then I can become on my way to wealth.
Thank you for your time.

By "release letter," she means a press release from PublishAmerica that  contains an incoherent, one-paragraph summary of the book’s plot and some lies about the company being a "traditional publisher." I’m trying to imagine how anyone could think that this pitch would sell any books.

The Mail I Get

I received a lengthy email today from a woman in her 50s. It read, in part:

Who are the publishers that PAY “unknowns”
for their work?  How do I contact them? I’m an unknown author, writing a book about tragedy, near death experiences, and years of living with pain and how I learned to cope with
it all; and how God miraculously healed me of a debilitating, incurable disease.
My book is ready to be published. I worked with a literary agent (author coach)
for about three years. He got me a contract with Axiom Press, a subsidiary of
Evergreen Press.  But their cost to publish and market my book was between
$3,800 & $6,500 (depending on what services I chose).  I’m not
rich, do not have a big savings account and can not afford this!

[…]isn’t the biggest part of the money paid to the
publisher for marketing purposes?   That’s the way it seems to
me.[…]if I use a
POD and have to pay for all the marketing, etc.  Isn’t that going to
cost me in the long run, much more time and money that going through someone
like Tate? And who will set up my book signings?

Here’s what I told her: Every publisher buys books from unknown authors every day. You contact them through an agent. If they like your book, they offer you an advance against royalties. Your agent gets 10-15% of that advance, you get the rest. And if you earn your advance back in sales, you will get a royalty from every book that’s sold. You don’t advance the agent, or the publisher, a dime. That’s how publishing works.

An agent, or "author coach," who sets you up with someone who wants to charge you to publish your book is either a fool or a fraud. Either way, it’s a mistake to be in business with him, he doesn’t know what he is doing. 

The money you pay a vanity press isn’t going into marketing. It’s going into their car lease, their house payment, and their kid’s braces. It doesn’t matter whether it’s Tate or Jones Harvest or anybody else. They are all taking advantage of your desperation, gullibility and ignorance. 

But if you are hell-bent on paying to be published, save your money and go with iUniverse or Lulu. You’ll get the same "services" for a lot less.

The fact is that no vanity press is going to do any useful marketing for you — they will just empty your savings account (and that includes iUniverse). No newspapers or magazines are interested in reviewing any books from vanity press publishers. Nobody at a vanity press is going to set up any meaningful booksignings for you, either, because bookstores don’t want to host events for vanity press authors. Why? Because the vast majority of vanity press books are ugly, horrendous crap.

It’s cheaper, and more productive, to approach the bookstores on your own…something even professional authors do (and no one does it better than my friend author Joe Konrath).  Most of the successful authors I know have worked hard to establish strong, PERSONAL relationships with booksellers.

So, fire your useless fraud of an agent/coach and if you are going to self-publish,  go with iUniverse or Lulu and avoid any of their marketing packages.

UPDATE 12/29/07:  I heard back from the woman.

No, I do not want to PAY for publishing my
book.  I’ve always been under the impression that a reputable place
pays YOU for your work…but I was given a bunch of mis-information that
they don’t do that these days.  (That’s just the way it is,
and if you get it published you’ll have to pay a publisher because you
are an “unknown”. ) I’m so glad I came upon your web
site before I sent it to someone like Tate! Thanks again – for saving me from a
horrible mistake!

My winning streak continues

Not only have I won a BMW and over $2 million this week, now I can have a share of a $19 million fortune just because my last name is Goldberg! I know this is a genuine offer because the situation described in the email sounds completely reasonable, legal, and logical and it came from a lawyer. It feels so good to be rich.

Conyers Dill & Pearman 50 Raffles Place , 18-04 Singapore Land Tower Singapore 048623   Singapore Email: conyersdill212@yahoo.com.hk                              
My names are Barrister Conyers Dill , an attorney at law. A deceased client of mine, who here in after shall be referred to as my client, died as the result of a heart-related condition on the 11 November 2003. His heart condition was due to the death of all the members of his family in the Luxair Fokker-50 turboprop plane – Flight LG9642/LH2420 -Wednesday, 6 November, 2002, 18:54 GMT as reported on:  http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/2409267.stm

  I have contacted you to assist in distributing the money left behind by my client before it is confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this deposit valued at Nineteen million dollars (US$19 million dollars) is lodged. This bank has issued me a notice to contact the next of kin, or the account will be confiscated.   My proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my named client, since you have the same last name, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Then we can share the amount on a mutually agreed-upon percentage. All legal documents to back up your claim as my client’s next-of-kin will be provided. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through.
    This will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from many breach of the law. If this business proposition offends your moral values, do accept my apology. I must use this opportunity to implore you to exercise the utmost indulgence to keep this matter extraordinary confidential, whatever your decision, while I await your prompt response. Please contact me at once to indicate your interest. I will like you to acknowledge the receipt of this e-mail as soon as possible and treat with absolute confidentiality and sincerity. I look forward to your quick reply.   

Best regards,
Conyers Dill

Attorney at Law.

My Favorite Email Scam of the Year

I got this email today. I am so excited. I’ve won a BMW "Saloon car" (I guess it comes with a wet bar) and "a cash of $850,000,00."

The BMW Group UK.
International Awareness Promotion Department.
22 Garden Close, Stamford Lincs, PE9 2YP
London, United Kingdom.

Ref: BMW/2551256003/23
Dear Lucky Email Owner,

We are happy to announce that you are a lucky winner of the BMW International Awareness Promotion. This makes you a proud owner of a brand new BMW 5 Series, M Sport Saloon car and a cash of $850,000.00. The car comes with a special BMW Insurance Cover for one year and a one year warranty and FREE repairs at any BMW Automobile depot or service station worldwide.

For you to collect your prize, kindly contact our Prize Remittance Unit through email stating your receipt of this notification. When sending an email to the office, you are to send the following information which would enable him process your prize.

1. FULL NAME:
2. SEX:
3. AGE:
4. NATIONALITY:
5. FULL RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS:
6. CITY:
7. STATE:
8. ZIP CODE:
9. OCCUPATION:
10. PHONE NUMBER:
11. FAX:
12. ALTERNATIVE EMAIL ADDRESS:

BMW Prize Remittance Unit (Spain) E-mail: alexhooper@bmwpromotion-uk.org
Tel: +34-63- 401-5428

Congratulations once more, and keep trusting BMW Automobile for top quality
automobiles.

Best Regards, Graddon Danny Ray II (Engr.)Online Promotion Manager.

This email was sent from an email account of BMW (UK)  Limited which is a
company registered in England and Wales with Registration Number 1378137 and has its offices at Ellesfield Avenue, Bracknell, Berkshire, RG12 8TA.

Heaps of Ideas

I got an email today from someone with lots ideas that she wants to sell:

I have heaps of story ideas, but I am not good at creating characters. Is there a place out there for people like me? Somebody who buys the basis of a story. So far I have written shorts of a story into a small book with hopes that it will make a good movie. Can you recommend who I could get to publish my little book?

Unfortunately, there really isn’t a place for people with ideas but no ability to execute them. Publishers and studios don’t buy ideas, they buy the execution of the idea by authors and screenwriters. Writers rarely buy ideas, though they might option novels, biographies, etc. But what is a good story without strong characters?

I don’t know a lot about the short story world (that’s more my brother Tod’s area of expertise). I recommend you submit your short stories to some magazines. Once they are published, you might get some attention for them from a screenwriter or a studio, especially if they garner critical acclaim.

Why No One is Watching German TV

I mentioned here that I spoke last week at the Cologne Conference and that my topic was what the German TV industry could learn from the American methods of writing and producing episodic drama. In a comment to that post, Richard Cooper asked:

I was wondering if you could write about how the Germans are doing it, and what the American method would change if adopted over there.

The five highest rated hour-long shows in Germany are DR. HOUSE, CSI MIAMI, MONK, CSI and ALARM FOR COBRA 11. The only German show in the bunch is COBRA 11, which is going into it’s 13th season. COBRA 11, as successful as it is, is still a distant fifth at half the audience of CSI. The nearest German show is ranked eighth, and that is TATORT, which has been on the air there even longer than COBRA 11. The new German shows are simply tanking.

American shows dominate there — and all over Europe — even though they are dubbed, set in different places with different cultures, languages, and political, legal and health care systems. The audiences don’t care about those differences. They love the shows anyway.

I believe the American shows are succeeding not because they have higher budgets and bigger stars or brighter sunshine…it’s because they have instantly identifiable franchises with sharply drawn characters that transcend cultural differences. They work because they are the same show every week, year in and year out, only different. That last part sounds like a contradiction, but it’s not. They are consistent. People know exactly what they are going to get.

What I told them is that they can just continue to sit back and air American shows in German…which would be a tragedy for German writers and audiences… or they can make shows that can compete. How do they do that? I said the key to American success is franchise, consistency, and the showrunner/writers room system. I then went on to explain what franchise is, what I mean by "consistency," and how the showrunner system works.

The problem with cop/drama shows in Germany is that the shows are indistinquishable from one another. They all look and sound the same (it’s like color TV hasn’t been invented here). They aren’t distinct. They also aren’t consistent. And the story telling is insanely dull.

The German viewing audience doesn’t know about franchise and the four act structure, but they have watched enough American TV to internalize it…to feel that it is missing from German shows. And they don’t like it.

The franchise problem aside (and it’s a big one), German shows aren’t run by writers and have no writing staffs…they are run by line producers and network program "editors" and are freelance written. To make matters worse, every week a different director comes in…and he brings his own director of photography, assistant director, and film editor. And the director is free to rewrite the script himself. The director also is in charge of the post-production of his episode…from the cut to the mix. So there’s no one looking out for the show…there is no one maintaining and protecting the franchise…not that there is usually a clear franchise to protect. (I believe that one big reason that COBRA 11 has done so well is that it’s the one German show with a distinct, unmistakeable look and franchise)

American shows kick ass there because of how they are conceived, written and the produced. It’s the way the scripts/stories are structure (the four act structure, conflict, etc.). They don’t the four-act structure…in fact, they have no consistent dramatic structure to how TV stories are told.

The conception and writing part doesn’t cost more money…it’s just a philosophical and creative change in how they approach developing shows and telling stories. That can easily be taught. The producing aspect does cost more money…it means paying writers salaries for their exclusive services for the run of the series (and doing the same for the DPs, ADs and editors)….and it means limiting the power and influence of episodic directors. It means making a major paradigm shift in how episodic dramas are made there…and that can’t be done overnight. They also argue they don’t have writers yet who are capable of running shows and that directors won’t accept giving up the power they now have.

On top off that, there isn’t a big financial incentive to change the way things are done there. It costs the networks $200,000-an-episode to buy an American show and three or four times that much to make an episode of an original German series (they don’t have the unions, residuals, etc that we have here)….so, increasingly, the attitude has become "why bother?"

That said Proseiben, one of the big networks there, is now insisting that German shows develop their episodes in a Writers Room. They aren’t paying for staff writers… but they are bringing the writer of the pilot together with a group of freelancers for a couple of weeks in one room to develop the stories for the first season. They haven’t put writers in charge yet, nor have they limited the power of episodic directors to change everything about the show, but it’s a step in the right direction.