My winning streak continues

Not only have I won a BMW and over $2 million this week, now I can have a share of a $19 million fortune just because my last name is Goldberg! I know this is a genuine offer because the situation described in the email sounds completely reasonable, legal, and logical and it came from a lawyer. It feels so good to be rich.

Conyers Dill & Pearman 50 Raffles Place , 18-04 Singapore Land Tower Singapore 048623   Singapore Email: conyersdill212@yahoo.com.hk                              
My names are Barrister Conyers Dill , an attorney at law. A deceased client of mine, who here in after shall be referred to as my client, died as the result of a heart-related condition on the 11 November 2003. His heart condition was due to the death of all the members of his family in the Luxair Fokker-50 turboprop plane – Flight LG9642/LH2420 -Wednesday, 6 November, 2002, 18:54 GMT as reported on:  http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/2409267.stm

  I have contacted you to assist in distributing the money left behind by my client before it is confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this deposit valued at Nineteen million dollars (US$19 million dollars) is lodged. This bank has issued me a notice to contact the next of kin, or the account will be confiscated.   My proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my named client, since you have the same last name, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Then we can share the amount on a mutually agreed-upon percentage. All legal documents to back up your claim as my client’s next-of-kin will be provided. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through.
    This will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from many breach of the law. If this business proposition offends your moral values, do accept my apology. I must use this opportunity to implore you to exercise the utmost indulgence to keep this matter extraordinary confidential, whatever your decision, while I await your prompt response. Please contact me at once to indicate your interest. I will like you to acknowledge the receipt of this e-mail as soon as possible and treat with absolute confidentiality and sincerity. I look forward to your quick reply.   

Best regards,
Conyers Dill

Attorney at Law.

My Favorite Email Scam of the Year

I got this email today. I am so excited. I’ve won a BMW "Saloon car" (I guess it comes with a wet bar) and "a cash of $850,000,00."

The BMW Group UK.
International Awareness Promotion Department.
22 Garden Close, Stamford Lincs, PE9 2YP
London, United Kingdom.

Ref: BMW/2551256003/23
Dear Lucky Email Owner,

We are happy to announce that you are a lucky winner of the BMW International Awareness Promotion. This makes you a proud owner of a brand new BMW 5 Series, M Sport Saloon car and a cash of $850,000.00. The car comes with a special BMW Insurance Cover for one year and a one year warranty and FREE repairs at any BMW Automobile depot or service station worldwide.

For you to collect your prize, kindly contact our Prize Remittance Unit through email stating your receipt of this notification. When sending an email to the office, you are to send the following information which would enable him process your prize.

1. FULL NAME:
2. SEX:
3. AGE:
4. NATIONALITY:
5. FULL RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS:
6. CITY:
7. STATE:
8. ZIP CODE:
9. OCCUPATION:
10. PHONE NUMBER:
11. FAX:
12. ALTERNATIVE EMAIL ADDRESS:

BMW Prize Remittance Unit (Spain) E-mail: alexhooper@bmwpromotion-uk.org
Tel: +34-63- 401-5428

Congratulations once more, and keep trusting BMW Automobile for top quality
automobiles.

Best Regards, Graddon Danny Ray II (Engr.)Online Promotion Manager.

This email was sent from an email account of BMW (UK)  Limited which is a
company registered in England and Wales with Registration Number 1378137 and has its offices at Ellesfield Avenue, Bracknell, Berkshire, RG12 8TA.

Heaps of Ideas

I got an email today from someone with lots ideas that she wants to sell:

I have heaps of story ideas, but I am not good at creating characters. Is there a place out there for people like me? Somebody who buys the basis of a story. So far I have written shorts of a story into a small book with hopes that it will make a good movie. Can you recommend who I could get to publish my little book?

Unfortunately, there really isn’t a place for people with ideas but no ability to execute them. Publishers and studios don’t buy ideas, they buy the execution of the idea by authors and screenwriters. Writers rarely buy ideas, though they might option novels, biographies, etc. But what is a good story without strong characters?

I don’t know a lot about the short story world (that’s more my brother Tod’s area of expertise). I recommend you submit your short stories to some magazines. Once they are published, you might get some attention for them from a screenwriter or a studio, especially if they garner critical acclaim.

Why No One is Watching German TV

I mentioned here that I spoke last week at the Cologne Conference and that my topic was what the German TV industry could learn from the American methods of writing and producing episodic drama. In a comment to that post, Richard Cooper asked:

I was wondering if you could write about how the Germans are doing it, and what the American method would change if adopted over there.

The five highest rated hour-long shows in Germany are DR. HOUSE, CSI MIAMI, MONK, CSI and ALARM FOR COBRA 11. The only German show in the bunch is COBRA 11, which is going into it’s 13th season. COBRA 11, as successful as it is, is still a distant fifth at half the audience of CSI. The nearest German show is ranked eighth, and that is TATORT, which has been on the air there even longer than COBRA 11. The new German shows are simply tanking.

American shows dominate there — and all over Europe — even though they are dubbed, set in different places with different cultures, languages, and political, legal and health care systems. The audiences don’t care about those differences. They love the shows anyway.

I believe the American shows are succeeding not because they have higher budgets and bigger stars or brighter sunshine…it’s because they have instantly identifiable franchises with sharply drawn characters that transcend cultural differences. They work because they are the same show every week, year in and year out, only different. That last part sounds like a contradiction, but it’s not. They are consistent. People know exactly what they are going to get.

What I told them is that they can just continue to sit back and air American shows in German…which would be a tragedy for German writers and audiences… or they can make shows that can compete. How do they do that? I said the key to American success is franchise, consistency, and the showrunner/writers room system. I then went on to explain what franchise is, what I mean by "consistency," and how the showrunner system works.

The problem with cop/drama shows in Germany is that the shows are indistinquishable from one another. They all look and sound the same (it’s like color TV hasn’t been invented here). They aren’t distinct. They also aren’t consistent. And the story telling is insanely dull.

The German viewing audience doesn’t know about franchise and the four act structure, but they have watched enough American TV to internalize it…to feel that it is missing from German shows. And they don’t like it.

The franchise problem aside (and it’s a big one), German shows aren’t run by writers and have no writing staffs…they are run by line producers and network program "editors" and are freelance written. To make matters worse, every week a different director comes in…and he brings his own director of photography, assistant director, and film editor. And the director is free to rewrite the script himself. The director also is in charge of the post-production of his episode…from the cut to the mix. So there’s no one looking out for the show…there is no one maintaining and protecting the franchise…not that there is usually a clear franchise to protect. (I believe that one big reason that COBRA 11 has done so well is that it’s the one German show with a distinct, unmistakeable look and franchise)

American shows kick ass there because of how they are conceived, written and the produced. It’s the way the scripts/stories are structure (the four act structure, conflict, etc.). They don’t the four-act structure…in fact, they have no consistent dramatic structure to how TV stories are told.

The conception and writing part doesn’t cost more money…it’s just a philosophical and creative change in how they approach developing shows and telling stories. That can easily be taught. The producing aspect does cost more money…it means paying writers salaries for their exclusive services for the run of the series (and doing the same for the DPs, ADs and editors)….and it means limiting the power and influence of episodic directors. It means making a major paradigm shift in how episodic dramas are made there…and that can’t be done overnight. They also argue they don’t have writers yet who are capable of running shows and that directors won’t accept giving up the power they now have.

On top off that, there isn’t a big financial incentive to change the way things are done there. It costs the networks $200,000-an-episode to buy an American show and three or four times that much to make an episode of an original German series (they don’t have the unions, residuals, etc that we have here)….so, increasingly, the attitude has become "why bother?"

That said Proseiben, one of the big networks there, is now insisting that German shows develop their episodes in a Writers Room. They aren’t paying for staff writers… but they are bringing the writer of the pilot together with a group of freelancers for a couple of weeks in one room to develop the stories for the first season. They haven’t put writers in charge yet, nor have they limited the power of episodic directors to change everything about the show, but it’s a step in the right direction.

BookWise is BookStupid

Edgar Award-winning author Burl Barer, who also happens to be my Uncle, sent me this note about his encounter with a book biz get-rich-quick huckster:

I received the following email on MYSPACE…no doubt well intentioned, but it irked me. Here  it is.

"While reading your wonderful profile I could not help but notice that you have authored some books. If getting your  words out to a larger audience is something that has some interest to you…"
I continued reading this informative missive, and then the following paragraph hit me between the eyes:
"This is a great opportunity for you as a self-published author to have your book listed and distributed along with some of the greatest books ever written!"
Since when am I self-published? The next paragraph reinforced my "irk factor":
"BookWise is very supportive of the self-published author, and one of the perks of being a member is the Author’s Workshop coming up for all members this Oct 18,and 19th, 2007. And the 20th the first company convention-FREE TO ALL it’s members"
Well, that pushed me over the edge.  I wrote back:
"I am NOT Self-Published, subsidy published, or any other variation on vanity publishing. I am PAID to write by real publishers — I do not pay printers to print up my books and then have the nerve to call myself a published author.  In my opinion, calling yourself an author when you are self-published is like calling yourself a doctor because you purchased a stethoscope."
Okay, that may have been a bit harsh.
I heard back right away informing me that  Bookwise also features real authors published by real publishers. Good for them. I wrote back and wished them the best of luck on their charity endeavors. But why do people assume that we all self-publish? 
When I was recently introduced somewhere, and it was mentioned that I’ve written a dozen books, the first question was "Have any  of your books been published?"
"Yes. That’s why they are called books, not unpublished manuscripts. I also have unpublished manuscripts that are not yet books, or may never become books. And before you ask, I did not pay for the publication of my manuscripts – the publisher paid me."

Burl Barer…self flagellating, self-promoting, self-serving but NOT self-published

I’d never heard of Bookwise, so I visited their site and listened to their come-on. They bill themselves as "the most intelligent home-based business in the world." Basically, it’s a book club that makes their money from the books you buy and the other people you convince to join the club.

It works like this: you pay a $40 enrollment fee and $35-a-month to buy their books at a 40%discount. Most of the books are from name-brand authors from name-brand publishers, but I gather from the email my Uncle got that they will soon be opening their doors to the self-published, probably for a price.

You make your millions by either selling the books you buy directly to your friends and neighbors out of the trunk of your car…or by making a commission off the other suckers, er, people you convince to join the book club and become salesmen themselves.

But they also want you to feel like you are saving the world, one book and one commission at a time. One dollar of every book they sell and 10% of their corporate earnings will go to literary programs for children. Makes you all tear-eyed, doesn’t it?

So you aren’t just paying Bookwise $460 for the opportunity to buy their books…you are, as they proclaim, helping to "stop the dumbing down of America."

But that strikes me as a self-defeating goal for Bookwise…if we stop the dumbing down of America, who will be stupid enough to sign up for this scheme?

The Mail I Get

I get lots of emails every week asking me about the benefits of self-publishing (quick answer: there are none). Here is a typical one that I received this week:

I am in the process of finishing my book. While I have some interest from publishers, I am interested in exploring self-publishing to make more profit off the sales. A friend and fellow writer mentioned in passing about a company that will take your manuscript and upload it into a database. Then, when your book is ordered by someone, it is then printed and shipped…and a royalty check is then sent. Do you know anything about these companies, such as who they are? Also, as a writer who has been involved with actual publishers through the mainstream means of publishing, what are your opinions on going with a “regular” publisher vs. self-publishing?

No offense, but I don’t buy thatyou’re motivated by making more money…because there is no money to be made in print-on-demand self-publishing…unless you are the publishing company. My guess is that you’re afraid of rejection from mainstream publishers and are looking for an "easy" way into print. There is no profit to be made from going to a vanity press…it’s a blatant swindle. The vanity press industry feeds off the desperation and ignorance of aspiring authors. Don’t become one of the suckers. Save your money.

Publicists Who Can’t Publicize Themselves

I got this spam email not long ago from Brian Feinblum at Planned Television Arts, a PR firm (the typos are his):

I saw you and your books listed in a directory at this past weekend’s
Book Expo. The only mystery for mystery authors to solve is: How can you secure
effective publicity for your books? I am happy to say we have a solution. Planned Television Arts is the nation’s largest and oldest book promoters. As such we invite you to send info about your most recent or
upcoming book and we can customized a plan that world for you.

If their "customized plan" and PR savvy is anything like their customized emails, it’s a wonder they are still in business. Milton Kahn is another one. I got a spam email  from him recently. Here’s the first line:

I would
like to make you aware of my public relations company as I feel I could be a
perfect fit in helping you promote and publicize your current or upcoming book
on a national level.

What a grabber, huh? If that’s his idea of a compelling lead, imagine what he could do for me! My check is in the mail, Milt.

The Mailbag

Reynaldo would like a shortcut to getting published that doesn’t involve getting  rejection letters:

I am aspiring writer and just beginning to venture out in the world […]but I don’t want to face mounds of rejection letters. What can I do? Is there some honest publishing houses I can trust other than Traditional? What about companies like "Lulu"?

If you really want to be a writer, you have to learn to deal with rejection. That’s part of the job. If you can’t handle that, then you should forget about being a writer. But if flushing your money down the toilet is what you really want to do, Lulu is a good option. At least Lulu doesn’t pretend to be anything but what they are: a vanity press.

Jeff wants to know how he can get a book or TV show written about his hilarious life without writing it himself.

I have a very funny life and my friends and family think my stories are hilarious. They think I should do something with them, like a novel or a TV show, because my stories are the funniest  things they have heard in years. But I am not a writer. How can I get a book or TV show with my great stories without writing it myself? How can I find a writer to team up with who can write my stories for me?

Everybody’s lives and relationships are  funny and dramatic and could probably make good novels or movies in the hands of a talented writer. But you need an exceptional story to attract the interest of an established and experiened writer. You could always try contacting screenwriters or novelists that you admire and see  if they would be interested in your story…but, to be honest, I think your chances  of succeeding are very,  very slim. You might want to sign up for some writing courses and take a stab at it yourself instead.

Jeff isn’t the only guy with a hilarious life. Wendy’s life is also hilarious…all she needs is a writer to tell her stories. She’s been a bit more aggressive than Jeff  in trying to make that happen.

Hi. I came across your blog over the internet.  I’m wondering if you can advise me even though you don’t know me. My husband and I are very successful real estate investors. I’m not a writer.  But, that being said, my friends think that the stories I have with my adult children are so hilarious, that they have been jotting down these stories for years.

[…] Anyway, I got inundated with calls and emails from strangers, as well as friends telling me this is the funniest thing they ever read and I should do something with them.  So…not really knowing anyone in the business, I contacted a guy I know who has a son that is a comedy writer in Hollywood.

[…] I didn’t expect much, so you can imagine my shock when he sent me a lengthy email back and telling me that these stories are very funny and he can see them as a tv show very easily. He showed me how to write a Treatment.  Naturally, I got really excited, so I started making a lot of calls.  I called several retired Hollywood writers I could find.  These writers were from TV shows like "According to Jim", "Cheers", etc.  Some were very nice and read my unpolished Treatment.  They all had very positive response and felt it is something that can be marketable.The problem is that I am not a writer and I cannot write a script.  Do you think I should try and find a writer to team up with?  Someone with a good agent?

Wendy, if your story was as  hilarious and marketable as you say it is, one of the comedy writers you’ve already contacted would have asked if he could team up with you or run with it himself.  The fact that one of  those writers didn’t ask should probably tell you something…

One of my all-time favorite emails

I got this email today from someone who read DIAGNOSIS MURDER: THE LAST WORD and wasn’t too fond of it:

The reason why I like reading DM is because I enjoyed the television series.  I, too, did think your recent book was a little "dark".  I personally would prefer no changes and enjoyed reading about the one demensional tv character Dr. Sloan solving cases.  If I wanted to read a novel, I will buy James Patterson.