The Mail I Get

Speccing for an Agent

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I got this email from an aspiring TV writer today:

I’ve written a few solid spec teleplays and one good feature, and moved to LA and tried to make contacts and all the other things you’re supposed to do. I am, however, a teacher and not a PA or writer’s assistant, so making the right contacts is a little difficult for me.

My main interest is in television. A friend who works at a managment firm that rarely deals with TV writers recently told me I should start querying agents with my TV specs. How do I do that? I could write a feature query cold, for all the good it does anybody, but how do you write one for television? You can’t exactly use a logline to generate interest since you didn’t come up with the stories. Is my friend right? Would an agent even be interested in reading teleplays? Thanks for any advice you could give.

I honestly didn’t know how to answer her, so I asked a few TV writer friends of mine for their opinions.  One of them said:

I would tell her to get a list of ALL the agencies (available through
the WGA) and send out a letter of introduction to each one stating her
objective.  I would also include in the letter that she has several
specs available which sends the message she’s serious about this. 
Obviously if there’s anything in her background that can set her apart
(awards, short film produced, Jim Brooks read and liked my script,
etc.) that would be a plus.  If she sends to forty agencies and three
reply she’s ahead of the game.

Another TV writer/producer suggested much the same thing:

My best advice would be to show your TV specs (assuming they’re well-written
and not outdated) to anybody who will read them, including your friend at
the management agency that doesn’t do television.  If the work is really
good, it will be passed along to managers and agents who are looking for TV
clients – especially hungry junior agents.

Also, send out the dreaded cold letters, but target them well.  Find out who
represents the writers who currently work on the shows you like.  The WGA
will tell you if you ask.  Then send a letter to that person’s agent,
describing how you aspire to follow in the path of great writers like
(insert successful client here), and have two fabulous specs which will make
it easy for the agent to sell you.  I did this when I first started looking
for an agent – didn’t work, but I did get some reads.

But another writer/producer friend disagreed:

it’s hard for me to imagine a good agent would read a spec TV script unless s/he
  knew the writer personally or the script was recommended.

As for networking, one of my writer/producer buddies suggested:

Start attending WGA events, stay for the reception
afterwards and mingle your heart out.  Ask other writers who represents them
and how they got signed.  And don’t overlook my favorite: UCLA Extension
classes. 

Believe it or not, hanging out with other aspiring writers is actually a good way to make contacts in the business. Many of my producer-friends today are people I hung out with at TV show tapings and Museum of Broadcasting events twenty years ago. I’ll give you another example, One of the writers we hired on MISSING, who had no previous produced credits or script sales (but a killer spec and a great personality) was part of a screenwriting group at a Barnes & Noble.  When she got on staff of our show, all those people in the group suddenly had a "friend in the business," someone who could tell them, from first-hand experience, what the dynamics of a writers room were like, what kinds of specs the producers were reading, etc.

If you’re interested in attending a UCLA Extension class, my friend Matt Witten, a writer/producer on HOUSE, is teaching an introductory TV writing class this spring and I’ll be teaching one this summer.

Coincidence…or an in-joke?

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Someone wrote to me today:

Last night on GREY’S ANATOMY, Dr. McDreamy’s former best friend, the plastic surgeon who had an affair with McDreamy’s wife, showed up. Guess what his name  is? Dr. Mark Sloan.

I wonder if he solves crimes, too, and has a 40 year old son who still hasn’t left home. I haven’t seen the episode yet — it’s waiting on my Tivo.

How NOT To Get a Freelance Assignment, II

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I got this follow-up email from the guy who wanted me to pass along his "15 page episode" to the producers of MONK.

At great risk to her own life Queen Esther sought an audience with the king. He could have easily had her head chopped off but decided to listen to her. Not only did the king have Mordecai, enemy of the Jews, killed, but in doing so, he probably prevented his own murder. Esther’s actions were not based on her own ego but on the compassion she held for her people, the Jewish nation.

Although I could not hope to touch her majestic slippers, I tried to approach the network towers to suggest a new episodic teleplay, only to be told that I was arogant (sic). It was out of my compassion for my five kids and wife that I would even dare to dream. Not interested in becoming a network writer, I only wanted to make a little money to pay some of my mortgage and groceries. Now, how egotistical is that. As far as distinguishing between reruns and newly aired shows, I was at fault. But shouldn’t they be of the same caliber? I am a consumer. Don’t I have a right to voice my opinion? Not all the episodic teleplays can be stellar.
I just thought mine could be considered. But in order to do that, I would have to be talking with one would needed to be more like the king who was willing to listen.

How NOT To Get a Freelance Assignment

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I got this email today:

I know Tom Scarpling wrote the last episode of Monk, Mr. Monk and the Kid, which aired on Friday last. I was well dissapointed in it. It failed to show any real cleverness on Mr. Monk’s part. I don’t mean to be critical. I don’t watch the show all that much, only when I can come home from working 69 hours a week!
The acting was great, the human experience intriguing and endearing. But the sagacity and creativity was wanting.

I still have the 15 page episode which might shed  new light on Monk’s abilities. I have written two novels already. I am not a  professional but I can’t believe that true talent and creativity are relegated  only to the experienced.

I’ll alert the MONK writing staff to stop whatever they are doing until your "15 page episode" arrives. I’m sure there’s a lot they can learn from it.

"True talent and creativity" are not relegated only to the experienced — but experience, and a smidgen of knowledge, might have taught you that there’s no such thing as a "15 page episode." Hour-long, episodic teleplays are roughly 58 pages. Experience might also have taught you that telling the creators, producers, and writers of a show that you,  whose only connection to the program is infrequent viewing, can "shed new light" on their characters is outrageously arrogrant and probably not likely to win their favor.   Oh, one other thing…the episode you saw last Friday was a rerun from last season. A little research  doesn’t hurt, either.

UPDATE:  After I posted this message, something he wrote still nagged at me:  "I still have the 15 page episode," as if it was something I should be familiar with.  So I did a quick scan of the emails I’ve received over the last year to see if I have heard from this man before. Sure enough, I got an email from him last month:

Read more

Mr. Monk and the Fan Letter

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I got the following email about my book MR. MONK GOES TO THE FIREHOUSE:

Dear Mr. Goldberg,

I have finished reading your book. I was really excited to read it since I enjoy reading mysteries as much as watching them. I was disappointed to discover that despite the number of people who read it for you before you published it, there are still mistakes in the book.  For example, I read this on page two:

"If that’s the price of genius, them I’m glad I’m not one of them."

I winced when I read that. I believe the "them" should be a "then" instead.  Then, on page ninety-two:

"Mr. Monk came out of the kitchen with a glass of milk."

Reality check. Monk would not be with a glass of milk. He’s afraid of milk. One of his top 10 phobias if I remember correctly. What would he be doing with a glass of milk? The milk is never gone into further detail to explain why he would be with a glass of milk and not  freaking out at the same time.

That’s it for technical errors. On page one-eighty-eight Monk starts going through confidential case files for homicide, and lists the  culprits as if reading from a shopping list. Even for Monk, that is just too much. That embarasses the police department. It sounded cheap and tactless. It wasn’t necessary to stick that in there.  Otherwise, I thought your book was good. I’m looking forward to the
next one.  I hope there won’t be any mistakes in it.

Best Regards,

XYZ

P.S. My mother also read your book. She thought it could do without Natalie going on and on about Firefighter Joe as if it were a tacky romance paperback novel. In addition, Julie was a real brat.

I’m assuming the author of the note is a kid, so I went easy on her. I wrote back that the milk error escaped both me and MONK creator Andy Breckman and that occasionally some typographical errors slip by even the sharpest of authors and copyeditors. I didn’t comment on her other objections. I warned her that since I am human and so are my editors, there will probably be some mistakes in the next book, too, but that I’m hoping she will remain vigilant and catch them for us.

POD: Prey On Dimwits?

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I got this email today. I have deleted the name of the book and the author:

I read something you
wrote about AuthorHouse and its too-good-to-be-true (because it is) package and
stuff, ending with “whoever signs up for this ‘publishing package’
is a dimwit who deserves to be taken for every last cent he has”.

Guess what….You’re
looking at one. Wish I’d read this missive before dealing with
AuthorHouse. POD means “Preys On Dimwits”. If that fits, pass it
around. Just don’t tell AH I said that. (groan)

My long-awaited (by me and my friends anyway)book XYZ went live in October 2004.
Blood, sweat and tears went into that damn thing. I was placing my “baby”
in the hands of people I trusted. (BTW, my contract with AH runs out in Oct.
2006) Really a shot in the arm to get my 30 free books (which I mostly GAVE
AWAY, thinking nobody would actually pay the $11.95 AH wanted for it. I get
like 80 cents per book). I went through the finished product and proofread it
after the fact….why? Because I couldn’t afford the proofreading
services like everything else they tacked onto the bill. Typos fixed at $10 a
word (or close to it). A typo on the back cover took $30 to fix. Punctuation
problems blamed on me. Because they print, word for word, everything you give
them, typos or not. If that is not a red flag my friend, it should be on fire. I’ve
made a whopping $17.98 or so. They sent me my W-2 form for the tax returns. Oh,
break out the bubbly!

I sunk more than $1000 into the PRINTING, not publication, of my book (a trade-sized
paperback) that is in the middle of being rewritten (typos removed, new characters, new crises and fleshing out of the story; it’s called “author’s remorse”  [you could’ve done better before it went to print]. I want to send this to a REAL publisher…. “Traditional” means nothing nowadays).

Long story short, I like what you write about this POD stuff. Just sorry I didn’t read it
sooner. Think I have any hope?

You’ve learned an important and  expensive lesson. Now, if I were you, I’d focus less on getting published and more on just writing a good book. Because in addition to going to Authorhouse, you made another serious error — you sent in a deeply flawed manuscript. The punctuation problems are your fault.  And by your own admission, the manuscript still needed work. So here’s another lesson you can glean from this experience — don’t submit a manuscript to agents or editors that’s riddled with typos, punctuation errors and has a lackluster story that needs new characters, new crises, and fleshing out.   

Out of Options?

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I got this email while I was away. The subject heading was "What to do after you’ve exhausted every resource in writing?"

Greetings.  First off, I am a potential author.  I say potential cause I’ve yet to get anything published.  Have about four finished manuscripts under my belt and I’ve exhausted
agents, publishers, some even overseas.  I’ve found nobody willing to take a chance on rookies (and I’ve got so many rejections that I’m thinking about wallpapering the bathroom).

You discourage the use of POD’s, but what’s a person to do when no other options are available?  Self publishing, perhaps, but cost of DIY is astronomical for some of us.

Could you give some insight that would light the darkness?  Any help will be appreciated.

I have some insight, but I don’t think you’re going to like it. You haven’t "exhausted every resource in writing," you’ve received some rejections. Big deal.  If you can’t handle rejection, you aren’t cut out to be a writer. It’s part of the job and certainly doesn’t end once you are published or produced.

The painful truth is that your rejections probably have nothing to do with people being unwilling to take a chance on a rookie. More likely, your novels aren’t marketable, they weren’t right for that publisher or agent, or they simply suck. What do you do? If you have confidence in the manuscripts, keep sending them out and start writing something new. POD self-publishing isn’t really an option, it’s just a way to spend hundreds of dollars printing your rejected manuscript in book form for your relatives to buy (if you nag them hard enough).  But if you have the money to waste and your goal is only to see your manuscript in something resembling a book, then go for it. You won’t have to work so hard and you certainly won’t get any more rejection letters. 

The Easy Way to Become a Professional Writer

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I have a confession to make. I’m a moron. I worked so hard to become a professional writer — spending years slogging away as a journalist, freelance magazine writer, non-fiction author, freelance TV writer, novelist, and writer-producer — when all I really had to do was join FanStory.com.  Now, thanks to those helpful folks at Writers Digest, who shared with me this moving letter from Jason Parker, I have  learned the error of my ways and can save you from making the same, horrible mistake:

"If it weren’t for FanStory.com, I wouldn’t be a tenth of the writer I am today. For three years I’ve been a Premier Author at FanStory – posting stories, novels, articles, poetry; giving reviews and rating material; remaining in personal contact with published novelists; and enjoying the hell out of growing as a writer.  Not only does the community of writers at FanStory support and help one another, they compete in a yearly ranking system. At the end of each year, the top five authors in four categories receive trophies in the mail. Related to competing, each month FanStory holds many writing contests in which the winner receives $100. To top that, there is a Seal Committee that brands top-notch work with a Seal of Quality, the author gaining the status of professional."

Jeepers. If only I’d known that FanStory had the awesome power, respect and prestige to grant writers The Status of Professional, I could have saved myself years of pointless effort and experience trying to establish my reputation among newspapers, magazines, publishers, editors, producers, studios and networks.

What a fool I’ve been! 

I realize now that what has been missing from my career, and from my life, is the FanStory Seal of Quality, my entree to the exciting world of publishing.   Think of it. Someday, if I really apply myself, I can attain the highest honor in the field. And all it will cost me is $2.80-a-month.

My new goal in life is to become a Premier Author at Fanstory (even if it takes years) and maybe, someday, becoming a true professional. Thank you, Writers Digest, for sharing this important information with me from one of your wonderful marketing partners. You’re doing an amazing service for aspiring writers everywhere.

UPDATE 4-11-06: A blogger disagrees with me. She compares fanstory.com to participating in any competition:

We won the grand final last year and we each got a big trophy. Are the
Hockeyroos scoffing at me because it’s not an Olympic gold medal? Are they
annoyed because I’m just excited about it as they are about their Olympic gold
medal? It’s like gaining particular status just for being a part of a particular
university society. You can’t say that it means "nothing".

It’s about
status. Lee Goldberg sometimes feels like his status means nothing.

It’s
sad, and I don’t why he feels like that. But that, folks, is what it’s all
about.

I don’t think contributing to fanstory.com and winning their competitions is akin to, say,  my daughter playing in a junior soccer league and getting a trophy if her team wins the championship. For one thing, the league doesn’t doesn’t grant her the status of professional soccer player. They give her a trophy for winning the local championship.

What fanstory is selling (and let’s be clear, it’s a business) is the false impression that their granting of status means something (it doesn’t) and that the honor carries some meaning in the writing profession (it doesn’t).

My status does mean something to me. But it wasn’t "granted" by a cheesy website. It was earned.

The Pot of Gold

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I got this email today:

love your blog.  could you give me a rough ballpark range of how much money a show creator makes when the successful show hits 100 episodes and goes into
syndication.   5 mil?  25 mil?  50 mil? is it based on a percentage of what they pay for the rights?

It all depends on how good a deal the creator’s agent managed to strike for his client when they did the pilot.  It also depends on how big a hit the show is and how much it sells for in syndication. What a creator makes could be any of those figures you mention…or much, much more…or much, much less. 

For instance, the creator of  TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT probably didn’t make as much as Larry David did on SEINFELD, though both sitcoms reached 100 episodes and went into syndication, . JAKE AND THE FATMAN ran for five years…but has never been in syndication.  IT TAKES A THIEF ran only three seasons but has been rerunning for decades.

When to Go POD

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I got this email the other day:

Hi. I’ve been enjoying your blog. Can you give me an opinion here? I’ve written a book for a local businessman here in XYZ. He
wants to get 500-1000 copies published to give to customers, relatives, etc. I notice you say NEVER to pay anyone to publish your book. Does that apply
in a case like this, where we’re really not concerned with selling through
bookstores, publicity, etc.–just want the copies?

This is actually the perfect use of print-on-demand self-publishing.  While I think it’s a mistake to use POD to self-publish your novels, going to a company like iUniverse to print your annual reports, classroom materials, family memoirs and other non-fiction work in trade paperback form to give your students, relatives, employees, investors, etc. makes a lot of sense.  It’s also great if you’re a lecturer, motivational speaker, instructor, etc. who wants to sell your work at your seminars.

For instance, if my book SUCCESSFUL TELEVISION WRITING ever falls out of print, I could see making it available on iUniverse through their Author’s Guild/Back-In-Print program (so it would cost me nothing at all). Would I print out 1000 copies and try to sell it/distribute it myself to bookstores? Hell no.  But there’s  no financial downside for me in offering a new edition for anyone who wants to buy it — as I have done with my UNSOLD TELEVISION PILOTS book.