The Mail I Get

How Do You Host a Signing For Someone Who Doesn’t Exist?

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I got this email today:

I have a question regarding your entry on authors changing names. Don’t
authors need to do tours and talks to publicize their books? I’ve heard that
much of a book’s success depends on the author’s own initiative to do
publicity. But if they’re using a pseudonym, isn’t this impossible? It would
only take one person to reveal him/her.

A good question…with lots of answers.

In many cases, the pseudonyms are an open secret (for instance, Jeremiah Healy makes no secret that he’s "Terry Devane" nor does Gar Haywood hide that he’s "Ray Shannon") and the authors go on the signing circuit anyway. The only ones who are "fooled" are the computers at the chain stores.

Other authors turn their pseudonym into a marketing tool, creating some mystery and buzz around the book. They require booksellers to drop shop books to a third party for signing so that the mystery of who they are remains intact. "Boston Teran" and "John Twelve Hawks" are recent examples, "Trevanian" is an older one. Stephen King, Nora Roberts, and Robert Ludlum also wrote books under other names as well as their own. So have pulp authors like Marvin H. Albert (aka Albert Conroy, Ian McAlister, Nick Quarry, Tony Rome, etc.) and  Harry Whittington (aka Whit Harrison, Blaine Stevens, Ashley Carter, etc.)

Others just avoid the signing/promotion circuit and hope for the best…which, of course, could work against them and undermine the chances of their new identity increasing their sales or, in the case of already famous authors, matching the success they enjoy as themselves.

Finally, there are writers who make their living as ghostwriters…writing books for celebrities, politicians, other authors, or house names (names created by the publisher so that several writers can contribute to a series of books without the readers ever knowing). Don Pendleton hasn’t written an EXECUTIONER/MACK BOLAN novel in decades.

James Reasoner, for example, has been writing westerns under other authors’ names and house names for years. Donald Bain writes the MURDER SHE WROTE books under his own name as well as a NY Times bestselling series under someone else’s name (a someone who widely promotes the books he or she doesn’t write). Reportedly,  Robert Tanenbaum doesn’t write his legal thrillers (Michael Gruber did for many years)…but that doesn’t stop him from going on booksigning tours anyway.

In short, there are lots of reasons for writing under other names and lots of ways to promote your books despite the illusion.

Mid-Season Replacements

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I got this email today:

I was hoping you could answer a few really quick questions about mid-season
replacements for me…

How do the networks regard these shows? Are they
second string that didn’t make the first cut? Or pinch hitters that the network
has been waiting to air? If the latter, why do they hold onto them until
mid-season? What is the strategy behind this?

The fact is, most shows fail. The networks go into the fall season
knowing that it’s very likely that virtually all their new series will not
survive. They need replacements to immediately fill the slots vacated by
low-performing shows that they are forced to cancel. That doesn’t mean
mid-season shows are lesser, second string programming… but, in some cases,
they are riskier/specialized/quirky fare that need special promotional and
scheduling attention that isn’t possible while launching & advertising an
entire fall schedule.  Remember, many hit shows began as midseason programs…
SEINFELD and GREY’S ANATOMY, for example.

Beware of Russian Mail Order Brides

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I got this email today:

Lee,       11-2-05
I have a ‘must’ write book for you of my life.I am going through  CONSTANT TERRORISM with the following:
Burglary of my home, office, apartment, storage units.
ID theft of my personal identity, business- hostile take over.
I think I know the people doing this.
I have had to move approximately 10 times this year due to stalking, theft
and invasion of home while I was locked in a bathroom for 2-3 hours.
My office has been like a revolving door for these thieves where they have
made my medical business their own office.  They have taken over the patient
accounts, ID"s, prepared records for billing, forged Dr’s signatures by using a
stamp, bank embezzlement, entered into contracts with vendors using my
signature, opened up a bank account using my forged signature without
authorization, credit card fraud,  inventory theft and personal item
theft, stolen my web business,  followed me and now attempting to enter my
friend’s home( where I have been sleeping at night for the last couple of
weeks).  My former employees would not drink or eat anything left in my office
due to possible poisoning.  They have also constantly been in and out of my car
looking for things.  Last night they left in a cup holder  a 357 magnum bullet
for me to find.
I am very serious about all of this.  The police have done nothing.  I am
in fear of my life.
Hopefully, if you are interested you can write a book to show how
vulnerable we are.  Maybe this will help someone else.
I am not trying to be dramatic but I hope I will be around for a while. 
Let me know if you wish to talk.
Every form of communication is compromised including my living space.
E mail from someone else’s computer is my only secure way of communication
at this point.

Within minutes of receiving that message, I got this follow-up:

Lee,

I need money and that is why I need this book
written besides trying to help someone else.
I am very sincere.  This is urgent.  If you
can’t or find you are not interested, please give me another name to
contact.

If you have ever lived in Virginia Beach since you
were in the Navy, you know the incompetent police we have here.  They are living
in the 19th century rather than the 21st.  They have not realized that high tech
crime in here to stay. 

I am a test victim for the theives that I am having to
deal with now.  I am not sure why I was picked other than a 100 percent female
owned web medical business and a Durable Medical Equipment  Medical business
with no family here. Also,  I was a millionaire last year and now trying to
figure out how to pay my bills now.

The people that have targeted me are professionals.  I believe the woman of the team was trained.  She was a Russian mail order bride.

Why do people like this write to me? And what make her think I was in the Navy? If you would like to write a book on this woman’s life, let me know and I will be glad to pass along her email address.

Okay, We Get The Point, You’re Brilliant

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I got this email over the weekend:

I have a GREAT idea for a movie. Yup that’s just about it. Brilliant idea, concept for a movie, the characters and interaction the hook, great suspenseful WOW outcome.Now what? How can I proceed to make some money with this idea. I’m not in the business, not a writer (should be able to tell that by
now). My brain works in a very strange way with brilliant ideas and concepts. Very detailed plots and sub plots that I know as a patron I would like to see on the screen, but I don’t know how to write….can you help?Or should I buy some Prozac and sleep my idea off?

I told him to take the pills or write the script. What would you tell this modest man who is  brimming over with "brilliant ideas and concepts"?

Rinse. Lather. Die.

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I got this email from a friend of mine and thought it was so funny, I had to share it with you.

One of the prominent trends in mystery fiction todayis the publication of
what I call "niche mysteries." These are books that, in theory, will appeal
to a small niche of readers due to their unique and charming specialty
content.

As a result, we have suffered through the Mommy mysteries,
the scrapbooking mysteries, the needlepoint mysteries. Mysteries set in the
world of bed and breakfasts, travel agencies, and old age homes. Mysteries
with recipes, patterns, or tips on making candy.

But now they’ve gone
too far.

Today I received in the mail a mystery novel ("first in the
new series," the cover proudly trumpets) that is set in the exciting and
quirky world of…

Soapmaking.

That’s right. Soapmaking. It even
includes soapmaking tips.

The title? Dead Men Don’t Lye.

I
couldn’t make this shit up.

What’s next, Glass-blowing  Mysteries?  Nail Polishing Mysteries? Mohel Mysteries?

Looking for the Short Cut

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I got this email today:

Hello Lee,
               My name is Mark Coulter, pen name M.W.C. Coulter. I recently
wrote a book and got it published through "Publish America". I have been on one
book signing and have two others upcoming. The book is called "The Folding of
Time", about two astronauts on a first deep space mission, they encounter an
anomaly, wormhole, that takes them on a journey through time and alternate
universes.I would like some advice of how to contact studios’ on making this into a
series or movie. Can you give me some advice on how to do this?
                                                        Sincerely
Mark.

First off, you never should have gone to PublishAmerica. You were looking for a short cut and this one leads to a dead end as you’ve undoubtedly discovered. You could contact various studios and production companies, ask for the names and addresses of their development executives, and send them your book.  Ordinarily, you’d have a one-in-a-million shot of selling the movie or TV rights. But since it’s a self-published, POD book, your odds against  interesting any studio in it have probably become one-in-a-billion.  I don’t know if your book is good or bad, but unfortunately, no one in Hollywood is going to take PublishAmerica title (or any vanity press publication)  seriously. 

On the other hand, if you can sell 10,000 copies, get some great reviews from respected publications, and get a bunch of newspapers and magazines to write profiles about you, that could change. That’s what happened with ERAGON... and the movie is in production now (of course, ERAGON wasn’t a PublishAmerca, iUniverse, or xlibris POD title, either).

UPDATE (10-12-05): I got this reply. My reply follows.

Well how about if I write another manuscript, on a movie idea not associated with the
book, and send it in raw and unpublished? Would I stand a better chance of
getting a read?

Nope.  Studios buy hot novels (ie bestselling and well reviewed) and
they buy scripts. They buy pitches, but only from established screenwriters
which, I assume, you are not. So, if I were you, I’d write a script. Even then,
though, you need an agent to submit it to the studios on your behalf.  They certainly aren’t going to read a raw, unpublished manuscript from an unknown writer…at least not without a powerful agent, producer, director or actor attached to it.

A Touch of Class

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Today, for reasons I will never understand, I got an email offering me the amazing opportunity to buy an I DREAM OF JEANNIE bottle autographed by the cast:

The incomparable magnetism of this 2nd-thru 5th Season Metallic Purple I Dream
of Jeannie Brass Bottle is a must-! YES, Dreams DO come true, as you will
discover upon adding this classic and breathtaking Jeannie Bottle to your
collection.

ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY!
A "SIGNED LIMITED EDITION" SIGNED BY BARBARA
EDEN, LARRY HAGMAN, BILL DAILY, AND THE OFFICIAL BOTTLE ARTIST!
"YES" SIGNED BY THE CAST JUST FOR “YOU”!!!!!!
THIS IS THE OFFICIAL 40TH ANNIVERSARY BOTTLE, METALIC PURLE, BRASS
GALLERY EDITION ‘I DREAM OF JEANNIE’ BOTTLE!

It’s hard to believe, but for the cost of self-publishing your unsaleable book, you can have this amazing bottle! That’s right…you can own this masterpiece for just  $549! But wait, there’s MORE! Foronly $25, you can get a priceless photo of the celebrities signing your bottle! But wait, there’s even more MORE reasons to buy this destined-for-the-Louvre artistic masterpiece of fine art!

MOST IMPORTANTLY, BECAUSE 10% WILL ALSO GO TO VICTIMS OF HURRICANE KATRINA, AND
WHAT A WAY TO HELP SOMEONES WISH COME TRUE, BUT WITH A JEANNIE BOTTLE!

Don’t waste a second.  Think how wonderful this will look next to your STAR TREK salt shakers, Elvis ashtray, and BABYLON 5 nosehair clippers. It’s just the touch of elegance your basement needs. Show your parents that although you never moved out of the house, you’ve got class.

The Long Journey to Publication

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I got this comment here yesterday regarding my new book THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE:

I noticed in the comments on Paul’s site that it two years of wading
through rejections and the like, to the point you wondered that it may
just sit in your drawyer for all of time – I would be most interested
to hear more about this journey from you, what your thoughts were on
why it didn’t find a home in the beginning, what obstacles you faced
with it, etc. I think many have the idea that established, published
writers don’t have to deal with that once they’ve broken in and gotten
published.

Succeeding with a book or two doesn’t  mean everything you write from now on will get published.  The publishing business today is brutal. There are many well-known authors who wrote a book outside their established series or genre and, as a result, either had to fight to get it published, had to switch publishers for the title, or couldn’t get it published at all. And there are many acclaimed, mid-list authors who have had their long-running, successful series dropped and are fighting to get back in print again (often having to resort to using a pseudonym to avoid being damned by sales figures of their last few books).

THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE is about a guy who learns everything he knows about being a PI from reading books and watching TV shows. It’s about the clash between fictional expectations/stereotypes and reality. The book is something of a spoof…and yet, at the same time, a straight-ahead crime novel full of explicit sex and violence. That shifting tone made the book a hard sell…because it didn’t fit into a particular marketing niche. Is it a satire? Is it a PI novel? Is it a thriller?

Most of  the editors who rejected the book praised the writing but didn’t see where it would fit in their publishing line.  There were two editors at major houses who loved it and wanted to acquire it…but  couldn’t convince their superiors. Another wrote a LONG rejection letter, saying how much she loved it, that it was the best PI novel she’d read, and how it pained her not to be able to publish it. (In the mean time, I wrote a screenplay version of the book, which landed me the gig writing the DAME EDNA movie. It never got made, but it was a very big payday for me and my first solo screenwriting job outside of episodes of TV shows I’ve produced).

It was frustrating not being able to sell the book because I felt it was the best novel I’ve ever written. I loved writing it and I very much wanted to write more about Harvey Mapes, the main character. At the same time, I couldn’t whine too much, because I have been doing well with the DIAGNOSIS MURDER books. Of course I approached my DM editors about BADGE…but as much as they like me, and my work, they weren’t willing to take the gamble (I’m hoping they will consider the paperback rights now that the book has been so well reviewed).

Finally, after two years of  shopping the book, we took it to Thomson/Gale/Five Star,  which has  a reputation for putting out fine mysteries…and for being a place  where  published authors can find a home for their "dropped" series and unpublished works.   It’s an imprint run by writers (like founder Ed Gorman) and editors (like legendary book packager Martin Greenberg)  who truly love books and appreciate authors. They produce handsome hard-covers that are respected and reviewed by the major industry publications. I had a great experience with them on THE WALK (another book that was a hard sell)  and I knew they would treat THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE well.

The downsides with Five Star are that they pay a  low advance, they primarily serve the library market and have very limited distribution to bookstores (though they are stocked in most independant mystery bookstores). The only way to get your title in a Barnes & Noble or Borders is to have an event in one of their stores.  Still, it’s possible to win wide acclaim and impressive sales with a Five Star title, as my friend Robert Levinson proved last year with ASK A DEAD MAN, an LA Times Bestseller that won a starred Publishers Weekly review.

The hope with a Five Star title is that it will be well-reviewed, sell big within Five Star’s limited market, perhaps get an Edgar nod (or the equivalent from RWA, WWA, etc), and get enough notice that a larger house will pick-up the mass market paperback or foreign rights.

Success can open a lot of doors, and make the experience smoother, but unless you’re at the Stephen King/Janet Evanovich/Michael Connelly level, it by no means guarantees a free ride.

Dyke Van Dyke

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I got this email today from Bradley. I’ve omitted his last name and the title of his show to protect him from  embarrassment. All the typos and errors are his:

Mr. Goldberg,

I’m an independent film producer in Texas. I recently came across your website through the IMDB. I am writing you to tell you about a television that am working on called "XYZ". The pilot episode is currently in early stages of pre-production, and after seeing other projects that you have worked on in the past, I would be very interested in talking to you about working on this show in some capacity, whether it be as a freelance writer, script consultant, or co-producer.

Dyke VanDyke is probably my favorite actor of all time, and even when creating the television version of the show, one of the reoccurring characters was written specifically for him. I’m not saying we
could get him to play the part, although he would be my first choice.

Let me jump in here. I’m writing to tell you about a television that am working on. Is Bradley repairing a television set or building one from scratch? Dyke VanDyke is probably my favorite actor of all time. I’m not familiar with Dyke Van Dyke, but I’m going to watch the next episode of THE L WORD and catch up with some of his/her work.

Okay, back to that letter.  It rambles on with details about the show he’s producing. He wraps things up with:

I the financing to produce the pilot in place, and I would really love to talk to you further about working with me on this show.

Did you ever actually work with Dick VanDyke? Were you ever on the set of the show, or
did you just work on a freelance basis? Do you know a good casting director that would have a way of presenting my offer to Mr. VanDyke?

If you are interested please let me know and I will send you the pilot script as a
PDF file this evening. I truly thing you will like it!

I the financing to produce the pilot in place… I truly thing you will like it. Bradley ought to get the financing in place to take a basic English course.  I the feeling he really needs it, don’t you thing?

What’s really bizarre about this email is that Bradley would like me to work on his show in just about any capacity I want but, as it turns out, he actually has no idea who I am or what I’ve done.

If he’d taken five minutes to browse my credits or visit my website, he’d know I was an executive producer of DIAGNOSIS MURDER and that yes, I’ve probably met Dick Van Dyke once or twice. (Or was he talking about  Dyke Van Dyke? I don’t think Bradley really wants to give Dyke Van Dyke a job on his pilot…since it’s a show about Christians exploring their faith as opposed to, say, butch lesbians exploring their inner manhood).

Bradley, if you’re reading this post, I’ve got some advice for you.  If you are going to send a professional a job offer/query it’s usually a good idea to:

a) Know something about the person you are writing to like, for instance, who they are and what they’ve done.
b) Don’t ask them stupid questions that reveal that you haven’t bothered to find out who they are and what they’ve done.
c) Don’t offer anyone a job unless you know who they are and what they’ve done.
d) When writing to a professional, it’s a good idea to spell check your letter/email so you don’t make a complete fool of yourself.

Thanks for the tempting offer, Bradley, but I think I’ll pass.