The Mail I Get

The Single Greatest Idea for a TV Series EVER!

by

I got this email from Dan yesterday:

Lee, I just came across your blog.  I know you are a busy person so I will keep
this short and sweet…

IDEA: GOOGLE GAMESHOW (I own this
domain)

1. Perhpas it wouldn’t be with google, but google is so hot, you
would think they would be interested in this
2. Essentially, this idea would
be an interactive tv gameshow/reality gameshow
3. People can play along
online for prizes
4. We would add a reality portion to this game show with
contests extending weeks at a time

(I would hope to create a little
craze like Millionaire/Reality TV Shows…even though they are on the down
slide)

These points don’t explain much…but from what you heard, does
this sound intriguing?

That is a brilliant idea for a show, Dan.  So innovative, fresh and unique. It’s got incredible potential.  It’s even better than my great TV show idea:

IDEA: MURDER COPS  (I registered the idea with the WGA).

1) It’s about two homicide detectives who are very different from each other.  (This could be in any city…though NY and Las Vegas are getting kind of overdone).
2) They solve really puzzling murders ala CSI and BLUE’S CLUES.
3) The stories are very twisty and clever.
4) It’s shot in a cool and innovative way with lots of style.
4) I see a big TV star like David Duchovny in one of the parts, maybe Beyonce, too.

(I would hope to turn it into a successful franchise like CSI or LAW & ORDER…even though there are, like, three each of those shows already).

Dan goes on to ask:

Any quick ideas on how a treatment should be written for a show like this?

Yes, Dan, I have a few. In general, it’s nice to actually have a series concept in mind before writing a treatment. Unfortunately, you don’t have a concept. You barely even have an idea.  You’d like to do a game show that people at home can play along with and that is tied in some way to Google. Come to think of it, that’s not even substantial enough to qualify as a notion.

Secondly, you may own the domain "Google Gameshow," but I suspect you don’t own Google. It’s not wise to try and sell an idea that’s based on an underlying property or trademark you don’t actually own.

Third, you obviously have no experience as a TV writer or producer,  so I doubt anyone would be interested in seriously considering your idea.

Fourth, why are you asking me about a gameshow treatment? I have never written or produced a gameshow. How would I know the answer to your question?

Fifth, if  you have an idea for a TV show, it’s probably not wise to email other writers about it, especially those with blogs who regularly ridicule complete strangers who email them their ideas for TV shows.

Greetings from the Cell Block

by

Now I’m getting mail from convicts and I don’t even have hooters. This particular convict is looking for an agent for his autobiography. I’m a writer, not an agent, so I’m not sure why he picked me for his two, lengthy email. Here’s an excerpt:

The Last Hardrock is an insightful
chronicle of one man’s journeys from the streets of East New
York, Brooklyn to behind the walls of New
York State Correctional Facilities with a candid and compelling look at prison
life in the form of letters from one convict to another. It takes you on a trip into the minds of our
street warriors while simplifying the brutal truths about prison life with
stories filled with personal struggles, gossip, love and rage…

I have for the past 10 years served
a sentence for a felony conviction…my experiences include a tour in Germany, with the US Army where I served as a combat medic, New York City Golden Gloves Boxer,
connoisseur of the Hip-Hop culture and student of life…

My manuscript will only be available
to one agent at a time, so if you are interested, please contact me
immediately.

If you’re interested, the line forms to the left.

 

Screenwrite My Book

by

I got this email today. I’ve edited out the title of his book to protect his identity:

Hello Lee!

Would you be available to screenwrite a book that I had
written and published in Australia.  Title: XYZ. This is a true story based on my work with
the Australian Federal Police, Computer Crime. I’ll be honest, I have
no idea what is involved, especially from script to production. 

He certainly doesn’t.  You have to wonder why people don’t even bother to do a minimal amount of research before sending out emails like this. They simply don’t want to invest the effort, as slight as it may be, and instead hope someone else will do it for them. 

"Screenwriting" a book, as you call it,  is a complicated process with many variables. No two paths to feature film adaptation are necessarily the same.

But for starters, let’s look at your email.

First, I would have done some research on the person I’m sending the email to. I would have started the note with something that reflects my knowledge and appreciation of his work and why I think that he, in particular, would respond to the book. 

Then I would have enthusiastically pitched the book as something exciting and packed with screen potential that the person might be interested in reading with an eye towards developing as a movie or TV show. 

You haven’t done any of that.

All you’ve given me is the title. You’ve made no attempt to actually spark my interest. You haven’t told me anything about your book, what makes it special, or even why I should want to read it. What’s the story? Who are the characters? Did the book get good reviews? Did it sell well? Why would I, an American TV producer, be interested in a book about Australian computer crime?  (I’m also not clear, from the way you worded your note, whether you  actually wrote the book or hired someone else to do it and whether the book was published or you paid to have it published yourself.  Were you the investigating officer, the victim, a consultant, or the criminal who was written about?)

The first  steps towards getting someone to adapt your book is to research who you want to approach and then do a much better job selling the book as something with theatrical potential.

Can You Introduce Me to a Showrunner?

by

I got this email today:

I have a
friend who’s pitching a show to NBC and they want him to deliver a sitcom
writer/show runner.  Do you know of any looking for
shows?

The sitcom writers I know are interested in pitching shows of their own — besides, I would never pass along their names and contact information to a stranger.
 
I suspect the reason why NBC wants your friend to bring in a showrunner is
because they have no faith in him to deliver a series. The network needs someone
they can trust…and your friend doesn’t have the experience or skill yet.

Showrunners work hard to earn that trust — it takes years of work on sitcoms to get it. Naturally, writers who have reached that point in their careers are reluctant to let someone ride on their hard-earned coat-tails — unless it’s someone who
brings something worthwhile to the table like a star with an enormous following or
a successful stand-up comic with a development deal.

Most showrunners can get pitch meetings on their own. They don’t need your friend, or his series ideas, for that.

Trolling for Suckers

by

I got this email today:

Dear Lee,
      My name is Tracey Rosengrave, Marketing Manager
for Xlibris Corporation, a Print-On-Demand Self-Publishing company. We are
sending you this email because we have either learned about your passion for
writing or we have had the pleasure of coming across some of your work…

I guess she’s never read my blog, where I indulge "my passion for writing" by criticizing print-on-demand self-publishing scams. Or maybe she’s read my books, and thinks I’m ready to make the switch from being paid by publishers to paying to be published. I don’t know. So I asked her.

Tracey,
 
What a nice surprise to hear from you. Where did you learn about my passion
for writing? Which of my books did you read? I’d love to know how you discovered
me (I’ve been waiting so long to be discovered) and why you think xlibris would
be the right publisher for me.
Lee

I’ll let you know how she replies…

How Do You Host a Signing For Someone Who Doesn’t Exist?

by

I got this email today:

I have a question regarding your entry on authors changing names. Don’t
authors need to do tours and talks to publicize their books? I’ve heard that
much of a book’s success depends on the author’s own initiative to do
publicity. But if they’re using a pseudonym, isn’t this impossible? It would
only take one person to reveal him/her.

A good question…with lots of answers.

In many cases, the pseudonyms are an open secret (for instance, Jeremiah Healy makes no secret that he’s "Terry Devane" nor does Gar Haywood hide that he’s "Ray Shannon") and the authors go on the signing circuit anyway. The only ones who are "fooled" are the computers at the chain stores.

Other authors turn their pseudonym into a marketing tool, creating some mystery and buzz around the book. They require booksellers to drop shop books to a third party for signing so that the mystery of who they are remains intact. "Boston Teran" and "John Twelve Hawks" are recent examples, "Trevanian" is an older one. Stephen King, Nora Roberts, and Robert Ludlum also wrote books under other names as well as their own. So have pulp authors like Marvin H. Albert (aka Albert Conroy, Ian McAlister, Nick Quarry, Tony Rome, etc.) and  Harry Whittington (aka Whit Harrison, Blaine Stevens, Ashley Carter, etc.)

Others just avoid the signing/promotion circuit and hope for the best…which, of course, could work against them and undermine the chances of their new identity increasing their sales or, in the case of already famous authors, matching the success they enjoy as themselves.

Finally, there are writers who make their living as ghostwriters…writing books for celebrities, politicians, other authors, or house names (names created by the publisher so that several writers can contribute to a series of books without the readers ever knowing). Don Pendleton hasn’t written an EXECUTIONER/MACK BOLAN novel in decades.

James Reasoner, for example, has been writing westerns under other authors’ names and house names for years. Donald Bain writes the MURDER SHE WROTE books under his own name as well as a NY Times bestselling series under someone else’s name (a someone who widely promotes the books he or she doesn’t write). Reportedly,  Robert Tanenbaum doesn’t write his legal thrillers (Michael Gruber did for many years)…but that doesn’t stop him from going on booksigning tours anyway.

In short, there are lots of reasons for writing under other names and lots of ways to promote your books despite the illusion.

Mid-Season Replacements

by

I got this email today:

I was hoping you could answer a few really quick questions about mid-season
replacements for me…

How do the networks regard these shows? Are they
second string that didn’t make the first cut? Or pinch hitters that the network
has been waiting to air? If the latter, why do they hold onto them until
mid-season? What is the strategy behind this?

The fact is, most shows fail. The networks go into the fall season
knowing that it’s very likely that virtually all their new series will not
survive. They need replacements to immediately fill the slots vacated by
low-performing shows that they are forced to cancel. That doesn’t mean
mid-season shows are lesser, second string programming… but, in some cases,
they are riskier/specialized/quirky fare that need special promotional and
scheduling attention that isn’t possible while launching & advertising an
entire fall schedule.  Remember, many hit shows began as midseason programs…
SEINFELD and GREY’S ANATOMY, for example.

Beware of Russian Mail Order Brides

by

I got this email today:

Lee,       11-2-05
I have a ‘must’ write book for you of my life.I am going through  CONSTANT TERRORISM with the following:
Burglary of my home, office, apartment, storage units.
ID theft of my personal identity, business- hostile take over.
I think I know the people doing this.
I have had to move approximately 10 times this year due to stalking, theft
and invasion of home while I was locked in a bathroom for 2-3 hours.
My office has been like a revolving door for these thieves where they have
made my medical business their own office.  They have taken over the patient
accounts, ID"s, prepared records for billing, forged Dr’s signatures by using a
stamp, bank embezzlement, entered into contracts with vendors using my
signature, opened up a bank account using my forged signature without
authorization, credit card fraud,  inventory theft and personal item
theft, stolen my web business,  followed me and now attempting to enter my
friend’s home( where I have been sleeping at night for the last couple of
weeks).  My former employees would not drink or eat anything left in my office
due to possible poisoning.  They have also constantly been in and out of my car
looking for things.  Last night they left in a cup holder  a 357 magnum bullet
for me to find.
I am very serious about all of this.  The police have done nothing.  I am
in fear of my life.
Hopefully, if you are interested you can write a book to show how
vulnerable we are.  Maybe this will help someone else.
I am not trying to be dramatic but I hope I will be around for a while. 
Let me know if you wish to talk.
Every form of communication is compromised including my living space.
E mail from someone else’s computer is my only secure way of communication
at this point.

Within minutes of receiving that message, I got this follow-up:

Lee,

I need money and that is why I need this book
written besides trying to help someone else.
I am very sincere.  This is urgent.  If you
can’t or find you are not interested, please give me another name to
contact.

If you have ever lived in Virginia Beach since you
were in the Navy, you know the incompetent police we have here.  They are living
in the 19th century rather than the 21st.  They have not realized that high tech
crime in here to stay. 

I am a test victim for the theives that I am having to
deal with now.  I am not sure why I was picked other than a 100 percent female
owned web medical business and a Durable Medical Equipment  Medical business
with no family here. Also,  I was a millionaire last year and now trying to
figure out how to pay my bills now.

The people that have targeted me are professionals.  I believe the woman of the team was trained.  She was a Russian mail order bride.

Why do people like this write to me? And what make her think I was in the Navy? If you would like to write a book on this woman’s life, let me know and I will be glad to pass along her email address.

Okay, We Get The Point, You’re Brilliant

by

I got this email over the weekend:

I have a GREAT idea for a movie. Yup that’s just about it. Brilliant idea, concept for a movie, the characters and interaction the hook, great suspenseful WOW outcome.Now what? How can I proceed to make some money with this idea. I’m not in the business, not a writer (should be able to tell that by
now). My brain works in a very strange way with brilliant ideas and concepts. Very detailed plots and sub plots that I know as a patron I would like to see on the screen, but I don’t know how to write….can you help?Or should I buy some Prozac and sleep my idea off?

I told him to take the pills or write the script. What would you tell this modest man who is  brimming over with "brilliant ideas and concepts"?

Rinse. Lather. Die.

by

I got this email from a friend of mine and thought it was so funny, I had to share it with you.

One of the prominent trends in mystery fiction todayis the publication of
what I call "niche mysteries." These are books that, in theory, will appeal
to a small niche of readers due to their unique and charming specialty
content.

As a result, we have suffered through the Mommy mysteries,
the scrapbooking mysteries, the needlepoint mysteries. Mysteries set in the
world of bed and breakfasts, travel agencies, and old age homes. Mysteries
with recipes, patterns, or tips on making candy.

But now they’ve gone
too far.

Today I received in the mail a mystery novel ("first in the
new series," the cover proudly trumpets) that is set in the exciting and
quirky world of…

Soapmaking.

That’s right. Soapmaking. It even
includes soapmaking tips.

The title? Dead Men Don’t Lye.

I
couldn’t make this shit up.

What’s next, Glass-blowing  Mysteries?  Nail Polishing Mysteries? Mohel Mysteries?