The Mail I Get

How Hated Am I?

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I got this email today:

Do you realize that EVERYBODY in fandom hates your fucking guts you asshole?

I think it was from my Mom, but I’m going to answer it anyway. No, I had no idea. So, for fun, I thought I’d take a look at what some people are saying. Here’s a sampling:

From Jocelyn’s Other Desk:

Thy lips rot off, Lee Goldberg!  Thou jarring, fat-kidneyed scullian!  You speak an infinite deal of nothing!  […] Goldbergs one and all, thine sole name blisters our tongues.  Thou hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs.

From Nobody Knows Anything Blog:

I understand the impulse to write and read fanfic—you want to live in
this wonderful world as much as you can, and twenty-four hours a year
or one book every two years or whatever just isn’t cutting it for you.
There are several novel series that I am forever hoping will just happen to have a new installment at the bookstore every time I check. But
fanfic is like a steak dinner made out of meringue—might look the real
thing, but it’s not really going to fill you up.

From Dawn Rivers Baker’s Blog:

You know, it’s all very well to nitpick about the legal shimmies and shakes of fanfic,
but the legal stuff doesn’t cover what it must be like for the author
who feels violated by other people dipping their fingers into the
author’s creation. All you really have to do to "get" the author’s perspective is to ask a victim how it feels to have just been raped.

From Nick Mamatas:

Mystery writer and TV producer Lee Goldberg picks up a stick and whacks a hornet’s nest by taking on fanfic.
I have no dog in the fight; after all, what can I say? NOBODY had
better RIP-OFF my ORiGINAL CHARACTERS like … uh … Jack Kerouac and uhm Cthulhu and William S. Burroughs and and and…
However, I do like a good brawl, especially when everyone is so
obviously speaking past one another. "It’s illegal!" "It’s a hobby!"
"It’s illegal!" "It’s a hobby!" Haven’t these people ever heard of an
illegal hobby before? They sure seem to be acting like they run their
neighborhood meth labs.

Read more

Do I Read Everything?

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I got this email today:

I’ve written several comments on your blog and you’ve never responded to any of them. Do you read all the comments on your blog?

Sadly, no. If a post gets five or six c0mments, I might read them all. But in general, I usually browse the comments on a blog entry of mine for the first day or two after I post it and then I move on. It would take way, way too much of my time to keep up on all the comments posted on all my blog entries… especially when the numbers of comments on the fanfic posts can number in the 100s (there have been 5308 comments posted on my blog in the last 14 months).  Besides, the blog comments often spin off into other topics or become personal squabbles between anonymous strangers who have nothing to do with me.

The Difference Between Tie-Ins and Fanfic

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In a comment to my post "What Stupid About It, someone asked what the difference is between someone who writes tie-ins and someone who writes fanfic… beyond the fact that tie-ins are written with the consent of the author/right’s holder.

There’s a big difference.

I was hired to write DIAGNOSIS MURDER and MONK novels. It’s something I am being paid to do. It’s not like I woke up one morning with a burning desire to write DIAGNOSIS MURDER novels, wrote one up, and sent it off to a publisher (or, as a fanficcer would do, posted it on the web).  The publisher came to me and asked me to write them. 

I would never write a book using someone else’s characters unless I was hired to do so. It would never even occur to me because the characters aren’t mine. 

Given a choice, I would only write novels and TV shows of my own creation. But I have to make a living and I take the work that comes my way…and that includes writing-for-hire, whether it’s on someone else’s TV show or original tie-in novels based on characters I didn’t create. Ultimately, however, what motivates me as a writer is to express myself…not the work of someone else.

That’s the big difference between me and a fanficcer.

Given a choice, fanficcers "write" fanfic. 

More Books on UNSOLD PILOTS?

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I got this email today:

I am a television trivia addict from Sydney Australia and a couple years ago I ordered copies of your books Unsold TV Pilots  55 – 76 & Unsold TV Pilots 77 – 89.I thoroughly enjoyed them and read them both from  cover to cover and then read them again. I was wondering when i can expect a third (and  maybe fourth edition) covering the Unsold Pilots from seasons 90 – 05.

I’m glad you enjoyed the books and I appreciate the kind words. I don’t intend to do another volume…nowadays, information on pilots is readily available on a number of industry databases (TVTracker.com is one). Besides, I’m
just too busy!

That said, I still casually collect the data just in case I ever do another Unsold Pilots TV special (I’ve written and produced two over the years —  THE BEST TV SHOWS THAT NEVER WERE last season for ABC and THE GREATEST SHOWS YOU NEVER SAW for CBS).

“What’s Stupid About It?”

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I got this email today:

"Fan fic writers have no deadlines, networks/producers/actors to please,
and often have a better grasp on the characters and their history than
the tv writers usually because We Are more Emotionally attached."

You said that comment is stupid. I don’t get it.  What’s stupid about it?

Okay, the email is probably a fake, but I’ll treat it like it’s not.  I create the characters and the world they live in. I figure out the relationships, what they do, and why they do it. And then I come up with every single thing that happens next.  I also hire the actors,  the directors, the writers,  the set designers, the costume designers, the composer etc. etc…. and they all are charged with interpreting my vision of the  show as I see it. We all spend every waking hour making the show (and even non-waking hours…my dreams are often filled with scenes and characters from the show I’ve spent all day working on).

And somebody who merely watches the show says he has a better grasp on the characters and their history than I do? That he’s  more emotionally involved in the series than I am? The guy who created the characters, who came up with every single thing they have ever said or done or experienced?

Okay, let’s say I’m not the creator. I’m a hired gun, one of the writer/producers. I am working hand-in-hand with the showrunner to articulate his or her creative vision of their show. All I do every day is live with those characters, whether I’m writing a script of my own, rewriting someone else’s script, plotting a story, editing an episode, prepping an episode with a director, or discussing character with one of the actors. I am as emotionally involved as it’s possible to be. The show is all that I do and all I am thinking about for most of the working day…and, because I am a writer, I can’t stop thinking about it once I go home, either (even if I don’t have a script or story to write/work on every night).

And somebody who watches the show thinks he’s more involved than that? Knows more about the  characters than I do?

That’s why it’s a stupid comment.

…but I can see how the fanficcer’s emotional involvement with a show is very different than the one that I have as a TV writer/producer. A TV show is something I write, something I do, it’s not my world, it’s not my religion, it’s not who I am and my reason for breathing. It’s not my obsession.  I don’t dress like the characters, wallpaper my house with their pictures, or fantasize about having sex with them.  Whe the show is cancelled (or I leave it for whatever reason), I stop thinking about the characters and their "lives." I move on creatively and emotionally to something else. There are viewers who are incapable of doing that…who become so emotionally attached to fictional characters and an imaginary world that they can’t ever let go. And in that sense, yeah, a fanficcer is more emotionally attached than I am.  Frighteningly so.

Writing the Treatment

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Bryon Stedman  asked me this question in a comment to another post:

I have a situation where a broadcast entity claims they want to hear my idea for
a boxing series or made for TV movie. The characters belong to my family from a
comic drawn by my father.

If a narrative is they way to go, what are the key points to include? Do I go as far as dialog and cameas shots and locations or simply text with main characters CAPITALIZED? Advice requested and appreciated.

A series treatment and a TV movie treatment are very different. A series treatment sells the characters and the franchise of the show…the relationships and format that will generate stories week after week. A TV movie treatment sells a story.

If the studio is already familiar with your Dad’s comic, I don’t know why they need you to come up with a series treatment…the strip itself sells that or they wouldn’t be interested in the first place.

A series treatment isn’t about telling a story…it’s about describing the characters, how they interact within the unique format of your show. Who are they? What do they do? And how will who they are and what they do generate 100 interesting stories?

For a TV movie treatment, you’re selling the characters and their story.  At this point, you’re trying to sell the broadstrokes…they can pay you to work out the rest. Write up a punchy over-view of what happens in the story, as if you were writing a review of a great movie (only minus the praise). You want to convey the style and tone of the movie. But don’t go into great detail. Keep it short, tight and punchy.And whatever you do, DON’T include camera shots or dialogue.

Don’t fixate on treatment format, because there isn’t one. Tell your story in the style that works best for you. Don’t worry about whether the character names are in capitals or not (it doesn’t matter). Concentrate on telling a strong story.

The Perfect PublishAmerica Author

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I got this email today:

Hello Lee!  I just received a contract from PA today!  I was wondering if I sent
you my query if maybe you knew of someone more reputable who would be interested
in my work?

People this dumb deserve PublishAmerica. And Dr. Laura. Here’s how I replied:

You have to be joking, right? If you suspect PublishAmerica isn’t
reputable, why would you bother submitting your book to them? Why would you care
if they sent you a contract or not? It’s junk mail. And why would you ask me to
find a publisher for you?
 
I don’t want to see your query. It’s not up to me to get your book sold,
it’s up to you. Or your agent. I’m an author. My job is selling MY books.
 
Finding a reputable publisher isn’t hard. Walk into a bookstore. Look at
the spines of the books on the shelf. Jot the down the name and address of the
publisher (which you can find on the copyright page).  Look them up in the
Writers Market. Look at their web site. Do a Google search for articles and
discussions about them. C’mon, Alisha! Make an effort!   

UPDATE: I have some doubts about whether the email was "real" or not, but I did get a reply from the author today:

Okay, okay!  Sorry to have bothered you.  Please keep in mind that this is the
first book I have ever written, and, obviously, I am not real knowledgeable on
getting it published.  By the way, I did not submit my manuscript to Publish
America knowing that they were not reputable.  I did, however, have the common
sense to do a search before signing the contract.  Thank you for your time.

Why Me?

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I got this email today:

My name is Brad Burchards, a Publishing Consultant with Xlibris, and I would like to inquire if you have any current manuscript or works in progress where you have plans of publishing it once you have completed it.   Here’s a brief intro of our company and services we offer. Xlibris is one of the original and leading print-on-demand publishing service providers. Print-on-demand means that we can publish a book in  as little as one (copy) to as many as a thousand, depending on you -the author. Our publishing costs are as
follows…

I don’t know what made Brad think I’d be interested in his pitch. What mailing list from hell did they harvest my name from? (I’ve asked him… we’ll see what he says*) Their slogan is "Write your own success," but it should be, "write us a check."

For aspiring writers turned down by every publisher on earth, but still desperate to get their rejected novel into print at any cost,  xLibris will gladly print up your book for $500-1600, depending on what services you’d like. That price doesn’t include the extra charge for their various "marketing" tools like "bookmarks, memo pads, postcards, and business
cards which you can send to friends, family or leave at bookstores, libraries,
etc.."

Yeah, that’s a good idea.  Leave bookmarks for your self-published xlibris novel at libraries. We all know how much librarians appreciate having junk mail left on their counters or handed out to their patrons. And what better place to try to sell your book than a library, where  people go to borrow books without buying them? What incredible marketing savvy!

I don’t think I’ll have xlibris publish my book, but I think I’ll call my buddy Brad for some more of his brilliant marketing tips.

(PS – Brad calls himself a "publishing consultant." What is that? What do publishing consultants do? I’ve never heard of them before. Is that a real job? Are there kids today who dream of one day becoming a "publishing consultant?" Is that like being a "media consultant," "style consultant," or a "tax consultant?" Is he an expert on publishing who lends his astonishing expertise, his wise counsel, to publishing companies and authors? I don’t think so. I think maybe he doesn’t consult about publishing at all. I think…and I’m going out on a limb here…what he does is try to sell you publishing services.  In which case, shouldn’t he call himself a  "publishing salesman?" )

*UPDATE – I heard from Brad. I asked him what mailing list from hell he harvested my name from. Here was his reply:

Dear Mr. Goldberg,

We are sending out e-mails to all authors to advertise our publishing services, basically the e-mail addresses have been generated by our research team. I do apologize it this might have disturbed you in any way.

iUniverse CEO Speaks

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I received the email below from Susan Driscoll, CEO of iUniverse.   It is presented here unedited. She has also kindly offered to let me interview her for a Q&A to be posted here in the future. If you have any questions you would like me to ask her (in addition to whatever occurs to me), please share them in the "Comments" to this post. Thanks!

Dear Lee,

I’ve been reading your recent postings regarding iUniverse. Having lived on both sides of the publishing
world-from my experience in traditional publishing and now as CEO of a self-publishing service provider-I have a unique perspective on the publishing business.

One very important correction to your recent posting (and I know that others have pointed this out): the number of iUniverse Star titles is 83 but the number of titles that have sold over 500
copies is many thousands. To qualify for the iUniverse Star program, authors must have sold 500 copies of their book, at least 50% of those through retail channels. If authors are committed to marketing their books and feel that the Star Program will help them enhance those marketing plans and increase book sales, they then apply. When considering titles, we ask
the same key questions that every editor and traditional publisher asks. Is it good? Will it sell? But beyond that we only select the titles that we feel will benefit from the advantages of being in the program. You can see that there are many criteria-promising levels of retail sales, the author application and commitment, and careful consideration by the Star Review Board. That means that there are far fewer books  that reach Star than that sell 500 copies.

The reality of ALL publishing today is that authors are expected to be aggressively involved in marketing.
Traditional publishers will rarely pick up a non-fiction author who doesn’t have
a "platform," and new fiction titles have to be exceptional to even be
considered. By helping authors to self-publish their books, iUniverse gives them
a way to begin building a platform and honing their writing skills. The majority
of authors soon decide that they don’t want to play the marketing game and
that’s fine–they still have the enormous satisfaction of seeing their book in
print. Those authors won’t likely ever get a traditional book contract nor will
many care. It might sound corny, but
there are few accomplishments as great as writing a book and seeing it
published.

Read more

James Bond’s Daughter

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This is an excerpt from a long email I received today from an aspiring writer.

I thought perhaps you may be interested in a project that I am contemplating. Or perhaps give your input on the idea? The idea involves a new Bond movie but not with James, rather "Jane Bond" his estranged daughter? WithAngelina Jolie as "Jane", and Sean Connery as the "Retired" Bond, I really think it could be a blockbuster movie…I would really appreciate your feedback and any information or advice you can give me as to what you think of the idea and how to go about making it happen?

Here’s how I replied: Don’t waste your time on "Jane Bond." For one thing, you don’t own the Bond
character and the people who do are very litigous. For another,
it’s hardly a fresh idea. If you are going to write a screenplay, write
something that is entirely original…not based on any existing characters or
movies. Write something that will showcase your creativity, your ability to
create characters, and your unique story-telling instincts. Don’t write "Daughter of
Bond" or "Sister of Superman" or "Brother-in-Law of Buffy" or a sequel to
"Bullitt." Also don’t think about boxoffice potential or casting possibilities or ad campaigns right
now…just think about telling a terrific story. Good luck!

That was the end of my reply. Bet you thought I’d be snarkier, didn’t you? Must be my sinus medication mellowing me out. Here’s the thing that really struck me, though, about his email: The guy says he’s a film school graduate… you’d think they would have taught him, at some point, that it isn’t a good idea to write a script based on a property you don’t own.