The Mail I Get

What Would You Pay For An Authentic Shelf from Diagnosis Murder?

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Today I received this email:

I was a security guard at the hospital they were
shooting "Diagnose Murder,"  back in 1994 in Denver, Colorado. One night
they threw a bunch of set props away, ex: the gift shop shelves, or some glass
shelving; lamps and paintings. Is there any way to authenticate them? Or, are
they worth anything to anybody? Thank you.

You dug all that crap out of a dumpster and kept it for ten years? Why, man, why? I hate to break it to you, but nobody is going to care about a gift shop shelf from a DIAGNOSIS MURDER episode. Nor would there be any way to authenticate it. ..and even if you could, who would want an authentic shelf from a DIAGNOSIS MURDER episode?

Perhaps if what you’d found was, say, Dr. Mark Sloan’s lab coat, you might be able to sell it to some fan for $20.  But a shelf? A lamp? It’s not like we’re talking about Mr. Spock’s Tricorder, The Batmobile,  or Fonzie’s leather jacket…

Who Writes NAVY NCIS?

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I got this email IN ALL CAPS today, so I know HE’S SERIOUS.

LEE I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHO IS WRITING FOR DONALD
BELISARIO.THE REASON BEING I’VE WATCH THE SHOW SINCE IT FIRST CAME OUT AND I DO
NOT LIKE THE SEASON FINALE OF NAVY NCIS THIS WEEK.WHERE CAITLIN GETS
KILLED.THOSE 6 PEOPLE MAKE THAT SHOW.I’VE TALKED TO OTHERS AND THEY AGREED.WE
ALSO AGREED THAT IF SHE IS OFF THE SHOW THEN WE ARE GOING TO TELL OTHERS STOP
WATCHING AND TURN TO A DIFFERENT CHANNEL AND STOP WATCHING ANYTHING HE
PRODUCES.I HOPE YOU CAN FIND OUT.

I’m not sure what he expects me to do… forward to him the names, addresses, and phone numbers of the writing staff so he can make his demands to them? I don’t know anything about the dynamics behind-the-scenes of NCIS, but maybe the actress who played Caitlin wanted to move on to other things or maybe she wasn’t happy on the show or maybe she was a complete lunatic they couldn’t bear to work with another day. I don’t know.  Cast changes on a TV show are common (ER, LAW AND ORDER, BOSTON LEGAL, BEWITCHED, M*A*S*H, GUNSMOKE, MONK, LA LAW, ALLY McBEAL, THE SHIELD, HILL STREET BLUES, CHICAGO HOPE, NYPD BLUE,  CHEERS, etc.). and a fact of life in this business.  Live with it or, as you say, change the channel.

Snore

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I guess my books and TV shows must put people to sleep. I got this spam email today:

Hi,

I took a look at your site a couple of hours ago…and I want to
tell you that I’d really love to trade links with you. I think your site has
some really good stuff related to my site’s topic of pillows and would be a
great resource for my visitors.

In fact, I went ahead and added your site
to my Pillows HQ Resource Directory at
http://www.pillows-hq.com

Is
that OK with you?

Can I ask a favor? Will you give me a link back on your
site? I’d really appreciate you returning the favor.

Thanks and feel
free to drop me an email if you’d like to chat more about
this.

Best wishes,

Steve

I’ll be emailing Steve right away, because there’s nothing I enjoy more than chatting about pillows.

How Not To Get a Blurb

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A self-published author sent me a generic email asking me to read his book and blurb it. I’ve taken out his name, and the title of the book, as a courtesy:

I am  about to launch the XYZ novels, which are
legal/crime thrillers. I would love to get a blurb from you for the first novel
in this series, XYZ.  I have attached the first few chapters for
your review and will be happy to send the full book upon request.  I
thoroughly believe that you will find this book compelling and will be proud to
have your name associated with it, otherwise I wouldn’t intrude upon your
valuable time.

As compelling as his personal endorsement of his own book is, that’s not a good enough reason for me to read his novel.  In fact, this solicitation is a classic example of how to not to get an author to read your book. For instructions on how to do it right, check out author Gregg Hurwitz’s checklist of dos-and-don’ts for blurb pitching.

TVWriter.com

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Still more mail today:

What do you think of  TVwriter.com? Is that a good place to learn the ins-and-outs of screenwriting?

This is what I wrote a while back in a comment on John August’s blog when someone asked the same question:

To be honest, I think people
would learn a lot more about the craft of writing visiting John August’s site
than tvwriter.com, which seems geared entirely towards publicizing Larry Brody’s
writing workshops and contests where applicants win the opportunity to have
their scripts optioned by “The Cloud Creek Institute For the Arts” and
representation by “the legendary Terry Porter Agency.” I’ve never heard of
either one of them, though Predators and Editors 
recommends against the Porter agency, which they claim charges a fee to read
submissions.

Searching for “Search”

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I don’t what what it is, but Friday seems to be a big day for email. Here’s one I got today, which read, in part:

Television series air and are eventually canceled.  What
happens to them?  Obviously I wouldn’t be asking if I weren’t interested in
a particular series.

"Search," an adventure series that aired in
1972 lasted one season and has never aired since.   Do you
have general knowledge of what might of happened  to a series such as
Search?

Any information that you
might be able to provide that would assist  someone like myself in finding
out more about the disposition of the  series, or how to be able to maybe
have the opportunity to actually view  the episodes once more would be
invaluable.

The simple answer is that cancelled shows end up in a film vault somewhere. Unless the series had enough episodes to syndicate (which SEARCH didn’t), and there’s a real demand to see the reruns (which there isn’t), the show will just stay on the shelf forever.  There are literally thousands of series like that, and not all of them are one-or-two season flops. . There really is no opportunity for fans to get episodes, except bootlegs from collectors. There’s some room for hope…the success of TV show collections on DVD have given some obscure old shows new life. Whoever thought you’d be able to buy the complete DUSTY’S TRAIL (and who would want to?) Whether SEARCH will ever come out on DVD remains to be seen…but there are a lot of other, better known and more successful shows in the Warner Brothers vault that are likely to come out first.  I’m still waiting for SPENSER FOR HIRE…   

Lose Pounds the iUniverse Way

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Today I received this email, which I’m assuming is in response to my post "iUniverse By The Numbers."

Is it bad writing that prevents a POD book from selling or many other factors? I challenge you: an established, tradional,  successful writer to submit something you wrote to a POD and when it doesn’t sell
will it be because of bad writing?

Additionally, everyone allows for the fact even a POD publisher is going to have 2-3 successful books per year. Well, when  you consider there are at least 100 POD outfits that means they are publishing  300 books per year that are worthy of being published. The problem is not with  the concept of POD.  The problem is there are too many PODs with limited ethical and quality standards. Imagine if there was one POD publisher that alone printed the previously mentioned 300 books.

I wonder a hundred years from now, will the reviewers of history look upon the likes of  Monk and Dick Van Dyke as highly as you view your works.
Furthermore, how many bad books gain success simply because of the stature of the author (Clinton,Fisher,Grisham) and the correct  marketing plan. Correctly done, a book with 200 completely blank  pages could become a top seller.

I think we both agree one of us is living in a Dream
World. We simply disagree on who it is.

Sincerely,
John S. Meade

I’m not sure why John is so angry with me. I guess the story told by the iUniverse stats was a very rude awakening for him.  Let’s tackle his points one by one:
 

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Your Great Idea for a TV Series

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I got this email today…then again, it seems like I get it every day:

I have a great idea for a TV cop show but I’m not a writer. How can I sell it?

I can’t remember if I’ve posted this before, but here goes anyway. This is a column I wrote several years ago for Mystery Scene  about an experience I had with a woman who wanted me to sell her Really Great Idea For a TV Series. Parts of it will be familiar to those of you who’ve read my replies to this question before…

I was a guest at Sleuthfest in Florida a few years back and after one of my panels, a woman approached me saying she had a great idea for a television series. Even better, she already had 22
scripts written and a list of actors she felt were perfect for the parts.

All I had to do, she said, was sell it and we’d both be rich.

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Following the Industry

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A commenter here asked:

I’m just curious. How much attention does a TV writer have to pay to
what’s in and what’s out? I mean, other than projects you’re working on? In other words, do schedule changes mean much to you if they don’t affect you directly?

It’s essential for professionals in any industry to keep up with what’s going on in their field.  In the TV biz, the primetime schedule news is extremely important.   

Whether you’re already on a show or not, you still need to know your market.   What’s hot and what’s not? You need to know who the players are this season… who is running the
shows and who is on staff? And you need to know who the players aren’t… who is out of work now and likely to be competing with you for jobs?  Or, if you’re hiring, who is available and who isn’t?

If you want to develop pilots you need to study the schedule (as well as what the networks didn’t buy or renew)  and figure out what the networks might be interested in for next season. The primetime development doors open in eight weeks.

The last thing you want to be is out-of-touch with your business…whether its writing for television or selling shoes.

Round Table Pitching

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Today, I received this email:

Currently, I am writing a mystery novel – my first – and pitched to an executive editor from a film company at a conference late in April. He asked me to formalize the pitch and submit. Being new to the concept, I am at sea.

The idea I pitched had to do with my specific mystery, but for a tv series or film, shouldn’t the pitch be less specific? I have written four sentences that sum up the idea for a series/movie.

I also have written a cover letter to re-introduce myself to the editor. I have the submission packet from the company with standard submission forms to complete, but is there anything else I should
include?

Here’s how I replied: First, some questions for you. What is an executive editor at a film company? I have been in this business a long time and I have never heard of such
a position. If I may ask, what company are we talking about here? Are they reputable? Have they produced any TV shows or movies you’ve actually heard of?

Secondly, most pitches are done verbally in Hollywood, so submitting the pitch on paper seems odd. Even so, when I do a pitch, I usually leave behind a punchy one-or-two page synopsis  — think of it as book-jacket copy meant to entice the reader into buying the book.

Finally, are you pitching a TV series or a movie? They are two very, very different things and require very, very different kinds of pitches. Since I haven’t seen this company’s submission forms, and have no idea what they ask from you, so I don’t know if filling them out is enough.

This sounds to me like one of those round-table-pitching conferences where aspiring writers have five minutes to pitch their stuff to some development exec. I’ve never done one of those things, so I really have no idea how it works.