Other Random Posts

 It's only 12:45 and already I've encountered more incompetence than I can take in one day. First, I went to Office Depot to get a few reams of their brand of copy paper. I had a coupon for 15% off on each ream. So I picked up a box containing three reams of their brand. When I went to the counter, the clerk told me the box didn't qualify because the coupon was only good for reams of paper. 

"The box contains three reams," I said. 

"But they are in a box," she said.

"But it's still three reams," I said. "It says so right here on the side. There's even an illustration."

"You have to go back and bring three reams of paper to the counter."

"It's the same thing," I said. "Can't you just ring me up for three reams?"

"No, because the box is cheaper than getting three individual reams."

It turns out that, with my discount coupon, the difference in cost between the box of three reams and three individual reams was a wash.

"So, in other words, the discount coupon doesn't offer any discount at all," I said.

"It does if you were going to buy three reams separately instead of in a box."

"Why would you want to do that?"

"To get the discount," she said.

When I got home, my copy of Adobe InDesign CS4 arrived. I immediately installed it on my desktop computer. Or at least I tried. Midway through the installation, I got the error message:  

Setup has encountered an error and cannot continue. Contact Adobe Customer Support for assistance.

I disabled all my antivirus software, made sure no other applications were running, rebooted the computer, and tried again. Same problem. So I went to the Adobe website to see if they had any articles or FAQs dealing with my installation problem. They didn't. So I called customer support and got a guy in India with an accent so thick that it was nearly impossible to understand a word he said. I made him repeat everything, which seemed to piss him off. On top of that, he couldn't understand anything I was saying, which pissed me off. It took us a half hour  just get through my name, address, phone number, etc. When I finally told him my problem, he made me repeat the error message…which, of course, he got wrong. So we spent another ten minutes going through it, letter by letter, word for word. When that was done, he put me on hold so he could talk to an advisor. When he got back, he suggested that I go to the website for help.

"I did that already," I said. "That's why I called you."

"And that didn't resolve the problem?"

'Oh yes, it did, I just decided to call you for fun."

"I'm glad we could help, sir."

"I'm joking. Of course it didn't resolve my problem. That's why I am calling you."

He put me on hold to talk to an advisor. When he came back, he told me he had a solution. He told me to go to the Adobe website.

"I've already done that," I said.

He gave me a web address. I typed it. It led to an article on the Adobe website that had nothing to do with another piece of software on a different operating system.

"That article doesn't deal with my problem," I said.

"Have you already gone through the steps in the article?"

"No, because it's about a different piece of software on a different operating system."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am," I said. "Do you know what software we are talking about?"

He put me on hold to talk to an advisor. When he came back, he suggested that I go to the Adobe website.

"We just did that," I said.

He gave me a different web address that led to a different article. At least this one dealt with my software…but still on a different operating system.

"Do you personally have any idea how to solve my problem or not?" I asked.

"No, I do not," he said.

"What about your advisor?"

He put me on hold ot talk to an advisor, then came back.

"No, he doesn't know either," he said. "You should try the steps in the article."

"But it's about Windows XP and I am on Windows 7."

"It's the best we can do at this time," he said. "Have I resolved your problem?"

"Oh yes, everything is much better now."

"I'm glad we could help," he said. "Have a nice day."

I gave up. I've managed to install the software on my laptop but not my desktop computer. But what is the point of calling customer support if the support personnel don't know anything about the software they are supporting?

 Tonight's showing in my personal film noir film festival was Sam Fuller's PICKUP ON SOUTH STREET starring Richard Widmark as a two-bit pick-pocket who lifts a billfold from a lady's purse on the subway.  The billfold contains a stolen film-strip containing a top secret government formula that the woman was unknowingly delivering to the Commies for her ex-boyfriend, a Red spy. It's a silly plot device in what is otherwise a down and dirty crime movie. The high point of the film is an amazing performance by Thelma Ritter as an aging street peddler of neckties and information. Ritter is funny, touching, and genuinely moving…and once she is gone, the movie loses much of its edge and its heart. Even so, I really enjoyed it. 

Roy Scheider once complained on SEAQUEST that he was a live actor stuck in an animated cartoon. That's how the cast of GI JOE must have felt… only much, much more strongly. 

At least 90% of the movie –100 % if you include the computer-generated sets — is a cartoon with a few living, breathing people (the actors at least, not their characters) matted in. There wasn't even an attempt to make the animated/CGI portions appear the slightest bit realistic (or the characters, for that matter). 

The best parts of the movie — and I use the terms "best" and "movie" very loosely — are the computer-generated battles. When the CGI action stops for some "emotional" moments, the movie becomes unbearably dull. The backstory flash-backs are so heavy-handed, cliche-ridden and obvious that I found myself longing for the CGI to return. The comedy bits, mostly lame one-liners badly delivered by Marlon Wayons,  portraying a steroid-pumped Stepin Fetchit, were only slightly less painful. Marlon wasn't the only guy playing a caricature, not by far (I kept waiting for the sharpnosed, penny-pinching Jew to show up). With the emphasis on CGI, caricature seems to be all that's left to quicky and effectively convey character…or at least what passes for it. 

CGI is no longer a tool in story-telling — it has become the story-telling. It's the Michael Bayification of cinema. Who needs acting, character, plot or the emotional investment of the audience when you have CGI? Every big movie coming out of Hollywood now is a videogame or a toy commercial masquerading as a film. A movie can be big without being 99% CGI and 1% cardboard characters.

On the way to the theater, my wife and I remembered how we used to go to the movies every week. Now months can go by without us seeing a movie. What changed? Well, watch GI JOE and you'll see.

I'm sure GI JOE will make 100 gazillion dollars…and its a damn shame.

The 2009 Scribe Awards were handed out a ceremony and panel at Comic Con in San Diego on Friday. Participants included James Rollins, Max Allan Collins, Tod Goldberg, Matt Forbeck and Keith R.A. DeCandido, who was honored as this year's Grandmaster for excellence in the field. The winning books are marked with asterisks.

GENERAL FICTION 

BEST NOVEL—ORIGINAL 
**CSI: HEADHUNTER by Greg Cox 

BURN NOTICE: THE FIX by Tod Goldberg
CRIMINAL MINDS: FINISHING SCHOOL by Max Allan Collins

BEST NOVEL—ADAPTED 

**INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL by James Rollins

DEATH DEFYING ACTS by Greg Cox

THE TUDORS: KING TAKES QUEEN by Elizabeth Massie

THE WACKNESS by Dale C. Phillips 
THE X FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE by Max Allan Collins 

SPECULATIVE FICTION 

BEST NOVEL—ORIGINAL 

**STAR TREK TEROK NOR: DAY OF THE VIPERS by James Swallow

GHOST WHISPERER: REVENGE by Doranna Durgin
RAVENLOFT: THE COVENANT, HEAVEN'S BONES by Samantha Henderson 

STARGATE SG-1: HYDRA by Holly Scott20& Jaime Duncan

BEST NOVEL—ADAPTED 

**HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY by Bob Greenberger
THE MUTANT CHRONICLES by Matt Forbeck 

STAR WARS—THE CLONE WARS: WILD SPACE by Karen Miller
UNDERWORLD: RISE OF THE LYCANS by Greg Cox 

YOUNG ADULT—ALL GENRES 

BEST NOVEL—ORIGINAL 

**PRIMEVAL: SHADOW OF THE JAGUAR by Steven Savile

DR. WHO: THE EYELESS by Lance Parkin

DISNEY CLUB PENGUIN: STOWAWAY! ADVENTURES AT SEA by Tracey West 

BEST NOVEL—ADAPTED 

**JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH 3D by Tracey West 

IRON MAN: THE JUNIOR NOVEL by Stephen D. Sullivan
THE DARK KNIGHT: THE JUNIOR NOVEL by Stacia Deutsch and Rhody Cohon

THE GRANDMASTER AWARD 

KEITH R.A. DeCANDIDO

(Pictured above: Max Allan Collins, Matt Forbeck,  James Rollins, Stacia Deutsch, Tod Goldberg, Keith R.A. DeCandido, Robert Greenberger and Nathan Long)