#1 New York Times Bestselling Author & TV Producer
A reader sent me a link to a great site called Think Geek, which is filled with all kinds of useful and ridiculous gadgets, from a CD/DVD shredder to a Zippo Lighter Spy Camera. Other goodies include USB Lava Lamps, a Swiss Army Knife with a USB flash drive, a USB Microscope, and a wristwatch with a built-in universal remote. Truly a site for the Maxwell Smart in all of us.
…they just have nicer places to sit than you do.
"MarytheFan" defends her search for masturbation fanfic and is applauded, in later comments on her blog, for being a classy gal ("Just wanted to say that I fangirl you madly at the class you’re showing"). Anyway, MarytheFan writes, in part:
I have zero interest in a discussion with someone who functions on the
middle-school level that equates masturbation with something stupid and pathetic
that only losers do because they can’t get anything better, rather than as one
perfectly valid, healthy and fun sexual option in a smorgasboard of sexual
options. Maybe if my actual masturbatory experiences had consisted solely of
sad, pathetic situations in which I was a loser who was only masturbating
because I couldn’t get anything better, rather than situations in which I was
enjoying my own body because holy good god, that felt good, I’d think it
was a pathetic and loser activity. Guess what? You also don’t go blind or have
hair grow on your palms, in case anyone out there was still functioning
furtively in the shadow of those old myths. Well, unless you poke yourself in
the eye, I suppose, in which case, wow. Bendy, aren’t you?
I have no problem with masturbation, Mary. It’s healthy, feels good, and
keeps Cinemax in business. What I find pathetic are people who
masturbate over fanfiction that portrays TV and movie
characters masturbating, and the people who write fanfiction about fictional characters masturbating, and people who would announce to the world that they are
searching for fanfiction about TV and movie characters masturbating that they can
masturbate to.
This would also probably be a good time to, once again, mention Lindsay Lohan’s nipples.
Fanficcers think authors should be flattered by their work. Using their inane logic, JK Rowling should be overjoyed by "We Are the Women Who Love The Boys of Harry Potter," a LiveJournal community "created for the sole purpose of discussing the beauty of the Harry Potter boys."
If
you are of legal age (18 years old or more) and feel more than just a
little attraction to the lovely boys of the Wizarding World, then
WELCOME! š You will find your kind here.We do conceed that
this community does show that we are, to some small extent, pedophiles.
Well you would be too, if you just looked at the boys! š We just
enjoy beautiful things. We can’t help that! š
Between Real Person Slash, DUE SOUTH Masturbation stories, and Harry Potter Pedophilia, what isn’t there to love about fanfic?
(Thanks to "Maggie Thatcher," who provided the link in her comments on my Wank Fic post)
Writer/Producer Ken Levine has a very funny post on his blog about show jackets — the typical Christmas gift from a production company to the staff of a series. My closet is full of show-wear. I’ve got jackets, hats, fleeces, visors, vests, sweatshirts and t-shirts representing just about every show I’ve ever worked on.
I used to wear my show clothes a lot when I was first starting out — it was pride and it made me feel like a member of a special club. I could dress from head to toe in stuff that had a show logo on it. I don’t wear any of it very often now (except my MISSING, MARTIAL LAW, DIAGNOSIS MURDER and COBRA fleeces, which are all super-warm on chily days).
I never wear the BAYWATCH jacket because I’m afraid someone will ask me to give them mouth-to-mouth. I don’t wear my SEAQUEST jacket because it makes me look like the ultimate sf fanboy geek. If I wear the other stuff, I run the very real risk of my waiter or waitress handing me their headshot or the guy at 7-11 slipping me his spec script along with my Big Gulp.
But you don’t always get show clothing. You also get binders, book-bags, paperweights, belt buckles, pens, flashlights, key-chains, even candles. Ken has received some weird stuff, too:
One year on CHEERS we received lovely dart boards. At the time everyone
had young children. I donāt think anyone even took them out of the box.
(Iām sure thereās still one or two floating around ebay). On MASH one
year the cast gave us all engraved watches. It was a beautiful gift,
one I still have. The next season the new writer on the staff was
counting the days until the big gift. It turned out to be a custom 33
rpm album of all the scenes in which the cast sang on the show. He was
livid. āYou guys get watches and I get a fucking album of Loretta Swit
singing?!ā (I donāt even think ebay has that one).A few years ago an actor on a show I was producing gave me a large
heavy rock with the word ārememberā carved into it. I put it on the
front porch and am still looking for a companion rock that says āPearl
Harborā or āthe Alamoā or āto wipe your feetā. Iād tell you who the
actor was but canāt seem to recall……Oh well, I still have my memories. And my ITāS ALL RELATIVE fleece, BIG
WAVE DAVEāS cap, ALMOST PERFECT sweatshirt, LATELINE jacket, KIRSTIN
fleece, CONRAD BLOOM bowling shirt, ASK HARRIETT t-shirt, and GEORGE
& LEO beltbuckleā¦which I would all gladly trade for one FAMILY GUY
handkerchief.
When you’re a producer on a series, the studio and network also send you gifts. From wine and wallets to alarm clocks and dishwear. I got a bathrobe from Les Moonves once. I have it hermetically sealed in case he calls me to a meeting in a sauna some day.
The folks over at InnerTube noted the uncanny similarity between the real-life conflict between attorney-turned-pseudonovelist Robert Tanenbaum and his ghostwriter cousin Michael Gruber and a classic episode of COLUMBO.
Had this been a plot for a Television show, Tanenbaum would have shot and killed
Gruber before he had the chance to reveal the secret to a reporter from The
Romantic Times. (Okay, so maybe it wouldn’t have been much fun for the
victim….)Sound
familiar? It’s the plotline for the first episode of ‘Columbo’ as a series
(third ‘Columbo’ outing overall if you count the two pilots). "Murder By The
Book" starred Jack Cassidy, who would have been the Tanenbaum-type character,
and Martin Milner as the Gruber stand-in.Not that he ever had murder in
his heart, but Tanenbaum sounds like he would have made for the perfect
antagonist to Lt. Columbo. He was not only a lawyer and (alleged) author, but
also a teacher and a mayor! It sounds as if his social standing would have been
quite a formidable challenge to the attempts by the shabby, fumbling little
detective trying to investigate him.
Now I’m getting mail from convicts and I don’t even have hooters. This particular convict is looking for an agent for his autobiography. I’m a writer, not an agent, so I’m not sure why he picked me for his two, lengthy email. Here’s an excerpt:
The Last Hardrock is an insightful
chronicle of one manās journeys from the streets of East New
York, Brooklyn to behind the walls of New
York State Correctional Facilities with a candid and compelling look at prison
life in the form of letters from one convict to another. It takes you on a trip into the minds of our
street warriors while simplifying the brutal truths about prison life with
stories filled with personal struggles, gossip, love and rage…
I have for the past 10 years served
a sentence for a felony conviction…my experiences include a tour in Germany, with the US Army where I served as a combat medic, New York City Golden Gloves Boxer,
connoisseur of the Hip-Hop culture and student of life…My manuscript will only be available
to one agent at a time, so if you are interested, please contact me
immediately.
If you’re interested, the line forms to the left.
Paramount has signed CSI Creator Anthony Zuiker to another eight-figure, three-year deal. Is this a surprise to anyone? The only morsel of news in this is the acknowledgement from CBS chief Les Moonves that they aren’t planning to do a fourth version of CSI.
Moonves said he doubts Zuiker will create another edition of "CSI," and instead
will likely focus on creating a new series. "I don’t think we should push the
envelope" with a fourth "CSI," exec said.
That’s a shame, because I was really looking forward to CSI: SPOKANE.
The movie version of CHiPS is speeding along. Variety reports that Wilmer Valderrama has been cast as Ponch, the role immortalized by Erik Estrada, the Brando of the 80s. So far, no one has been cast as Baker, the role played by Larry Wilcox. Paul Kaplan and Mark Torgove are writing the script, which the studio says will be closer to the STARSKY AND HUTCH spoof than TRAFFIC.
Jules Older writes in San Francisco Magazine this month that he was a huge fan of lawyer-turned-novelist Robert Tanenbaum’s thrillers, often re-reading favorite passages again and again. But Older was more than a little shocked to discover the author he admired wasn’t Tanenbaum at all…but his cousin and ghostwriter Michael Gruber (a story I’ve talked about here before). Tanenbaum didn’t write his own books.
Gruber says that though the arrangement was financially rewarding — they split the earnings fifty-fifty — it felt increasingly wrong. Says Gruber, "We started getting very gnarly around 1998 with the 11th book, ACT OF REVENGE." Was it envy that led to the breakup? "No, I wasn’t envious; I was kind of sorry for him. He took total credit for books he did not write."
Gruber says felt his teeth grinding when he heard his cousin telling a radio interviewer how terribly difficult it was to be a hugely successful lawyer, a teacher, a mayor, and a brilliant writers all at the same time. "Especially since he wasn’t."
…Which one is the scoundrel? Tanenbaum for pretending to be the only writers? Or Gruber for spilling the beans?
I think it’s Gruber, who knew going into the deal what being a ghostwriter means. All ghost writers grind their teeth when they hear the person they are ghosting for take all the credit. But that’s the deal and he knew it. Gruber claims in the article that he’s not the one who revealed the secret, that one of those intrepid, hard-driving investigator reporters from Romantic Times broke the story:
"[She said] I understand you are the author of Robert Tanenbaum’s novels’ and I said, ‘Yeah, that’s true.’"
He could have said no, or no comment. Instead, he chose to reveal the truth. But all of this means little to Older, who is more concerned about the quality of their books in the wake of the scandal. Older says the Tanenbaum books now are amateurishly written and bland. Gruber’s solo books are, Older says, hot, wild, smart, sexy and intriguing, but tinged with the supernatural.
Tanenbaum really doesn’t have the chops for first-rate fiction and Gruber’s enchantment with the supernatural isn’t my idea of an asset…if I ran the world, the Beatles would have reunited. Simon and Garfunkel would have reunited. And Gruber and Tanenbaum would still reunite. Lost that clunky dialogue! Cast out those convenient demons!