Imagine if a Harlequin Romance Novel Could Vibrate, Too…

Susie Bright went to a Romance Writers convention and came back with this observation:

When a woman buys a traditional Romance, it’s like a hardcore porn fan
buying a XXX video. She wants her money shot. She does not want
distractions. She wants familiarity, to connect with "the childhood
masturbatory feeling," as my friend and offbeat Romanticist Pam Rosenthal
so perfectly described to me. I say this with utmost sympathy, but fans
would probably feel exposed by that description. Still, I believe
romances are stroke books— they are not so much read as used.

I wonder what she’d say about mysteries after going to a Bouchercon or Malice Domestic convention?

Obi-Wan Love Sandwich

Are your erotic fantasies filled with visions of  "an Obi
Wan/Amidala/Qui-Gon intergalactic love sandwich?" If so, then Fleshbot has found the STAR WARS slash for you at the Obi-Wan Torture Oasis.

"There is something so wonderfully demoralizing about sodomy;  takes all the fight out of a man, to be conquered from within." (from Zen & nancy’s "Little Earthquakes")

It’s more than a kink, it’s a biological imperative. We Ladies of Slash must hurt young Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Hurt him bad. Hence this site, and you know the rest. We’re not too inclined these days to wonder just *why* we enjoy Obi-Wan (or Mulder or Bashir or Blair or a host of other icons) displayed in such a visceral state. At least, we wonder no more so than men who question why they enjoy lesbian porn flicks. Just relax and enjoy the rollercoaster.

 

Your Great Idea for a TV Series

I got this email today…then again, it seems like I get it every day:

I have a great idea for a TV cop show but I’m not a writer. How can I sell it?

I can’t remember if I’ve posted this before, but here goes anyway. This is a column I wrote several years ago for Mystery Scene  about an experience I had with a woman who wanted me to sell her Really Great Idea For a TV Series. Parts of it will be familiar to those of you who’ve read my replies to this question before…

I was a guest at Sleuthfest in Florida a few years back and after one of my panels, a woman approached me saying she had a great idea for a television series. Even better, she already had 22
scripts written and a list of actors she felt were perfect for the parts.

All I had to do, she said, was sell it and we’d both be rich.

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The CBS Schedule

CBS has announced their fall schedule. The highlights: The network is jumping on the LOST and MEDIUM-inspired speculative fiction bandwagon with two shows — THE GHOST WHISPERER (Jennifer Love Hewitt talks to dead people and solves crimes) and THRESHOLD (aliens invade from STAR TREK producer Brannon Braga and BLADE screenwriter David Goyer).  Cancelled:  JOAN OF ARCADIA, JUDGING AMY and Jason Alexander 43rd awful sitcom since  SEINFELD.

The schedule, as printed by USA Today, is on the jump.

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Following the Industry

A commenter here asked:

I’m just curious. How much attention does a TV writer have to pay to
what’s in and what’s out? I mean, other than projects you’re working on? In other words, do schedule changes mean much to you if they don’t affect you directly?

It’s essential for professionals in any industry to keep up with what’s going on in their field.  In the TV biz, the primetime schedule news is extremely important.   

Whether you’re already on a show or not, you still need to know your market.   What’s hot and what’s not? You need to know who the players are this season… who is running the
shows and who is on staff? And you need to know who the players aren’t… who is out of work now and likely to be competing with you for jobs?  Or, if you’re hiring, who is available and who isn’t?

If you want to develop pilots you need to study the schedule (as well as what the networks didn’t buy or renew)  and figure out what the networks might be interested in for next season. The primetime development doors open in eight weeks.

The last thing you want to be is out-of-touch with your business…whether its writing for television or selling shoes.

My Secret Addiction

Okay, I admit it. I can’t resist Frank Sinatra as private eye Tony Rome.  He made two movies about the Miami-based private eye,  TONY ROME and THE LADY IN CEMENT, and I love them both. They are based on books by Marvin Albert and owe, at least in the film versions, a large debt to John D. MacDonald’s Travis McGee novels. Rome is an ex-cop who lives on a boat and barely scrapes out a living. I find it impossible to channel surf past either movie, even though I’ve seen them both a hundred times. The stories aren’t all that well-plotted, but there’s something about that Rat Pack take on the hard-boiled  detective that I find irresistable.  Now Hugo Montenegro’s soundtrack to LADY IN CEMENT is out on CD.  I bought it as fast as I could click. Like I said, it’s an addiction.  I’m even easy prey for Sinatra’s other cop movies — THE DETECTIVE, CONTRACT ON CHERRY STREET, and the awful SEVEN DEADLY SINS.  Is there any hope for me?

PS – They tried to turn TONY ROME into a TV series. Twentieth Century Fox did a short demo film/pilot that never aired called NICK QUARRY.  Jerry Goldsmith did the music, which is terrific and has been released as bonus material on his STRIPPER soundtrack  CD.

A sample of the NICK QUARRY theme is posted on the BuySoundtrax site, but you can listen to it here:

Download nickquarry33.ram

The WB Schedule

The WB announced their schedule today. The highlights: Don Johnson returns to primetime as a lawyer in JUST LEGAL and director David Nutter continues his amazing winning streak — his pilot SUPERNATURAL made it on the sked. Out of 11 pilots he’s shot, 11 have sold. Midseason shows include BEDFORD DIARIES, a series about sex educators at a NY college, comes from HOMICIDE & ST. ELSEWHERE writer/producer Tom Fontana.

You can find the complete schedule, as reported by TVTracker, on the jump.

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Forgetable Finales

There have been a lot of final episodes this season — NYPD BLUE, JAG, ENTERPRISE and EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND — and they have all shared several things in common: they were boring, bland, and truly anti-climactic. It was as if the writers were making a conscious effort not to tie things up in a meaningful and emotionally-resonant way. Or simply didn’t want to make the effort.  None of these finales came even close to matching the impact of the last episodes of  shows like THE FUGITIVE,  LARRY SANDERS,  MARY TYLER MOORE, MASH, CHEERS, NEWHART, STAR TREK: TNG,  ST. ELSEWHERE,  THE FUGITIVE, DALLAS, WHO’S THE BOSS,  THIRTYSOMETHING,  BUFFY, HOMICIDE, THE ODD COUPLE, or even FRIENDS.

Granted, there have been stinker finales before (MIAMI VICE, HILL STREET BLUES, MacGYVER, DESIGNING WOMEN, HAWAII FIVE -O, COSBY, MAGNUM PI, SEX AND THE CITY, SEINFELD, QUANTUM LEAP, MURPHY BROWN, NORTHERN EXPOSURE, etc), but at least they made an effort at leaving viewers with something special. 

If  the writer/producers aren’t going to bother doing something really terrific with their final episodes, then how about this: Don’t do one. 

Maybe we should go back to the way things used to be, when most shows didn’t do final episodes, even if they knew the ax was about to fall. 

GUNSMOKE never had one. Neither did BONANZA, STAR TREK, MURDER SHE
WROTE, MARRIED WITH CHILDREN, LOST IN SPACE, THE ROCKFORD FILES,
MAVERICK, THE BRADY BUNCH, MANNIX, I LOVE LUCY, to name a few. 

In a way, not doing a wrap-up episode makes sense. Most series are designed to be open-ended, to go on forever. Isn’t that how we really want to remember our TV characters, living on as we remember them best? 

Do we really need, when the time comes,  "Final Episodes" of  LAW AND ORDER, ER, ACCORDING TO JIM, CSI, GROUNDED FOR LIFE,  CROSSING JORDAN and TWO AND A HALF MEN?

Royalty Reality

For all of you dreaming of becoming the next John Grisham or Alice Sebold with your first novel, here’s a jolt of reality:  UK author Amanda Mann posts the details of her latest royalty statement and it’s sobering. And the performance of her first two books is far more typical than you might think.  (Thanks to Lynn Viehl for the heads-up)