My Blog

Computer Generated Romance

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I saw one of those computer-generated movies today. I don’t mean INCREDIBLES or SHARK TALES… I’m talking about HITCH, of course.  It’s the "romantic comedy" starring Wil Smith and Kevin James that may be the first movie written entirely by a computer. It  sticks to all the formula story elements and, of course, has the obligatory expository best friend, the effeminate gay friend, the father figure boss, and, the number one cliche of all, the romantic lead character who is either:

a)  a writer (novelist or journalist)
b) in publishing (books or magazines)
c) in advertising

Can’t screenwriters (or the software that churns out these bland romantic comedies) think of any other careers for their characters? It is possible for people to live in NY or LA and not be in one of those professions. But you wouldn’t know from these movies:

SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE (she’s a writer)
SOMEONE LIKE YOU (she’s a writer)
AMY’S ORGASM (she’s an author)
SOMETHING’S GOT TO GIVE (she’s a writer)
AS GOOD AS IT GETS (he’s a writer)
YOU”VE GOT MAIL (they are both booksellers)
NOTTING HILL (he owns a bookstore)
WE LOVE TROUBLE (they are both writers)
NEVER BEEN KISSED (she’s  a writer)
DOWN WITH LOVE (she’s a writer)
13 GOING ON 30 (she’s a magazine editor)
HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN TEN DAYS (they’re both writers)
BRIDGET JONES (she’s an editor)
BRIDGET JONES II (she’s a journalist)
ONE FINE DAY (he’s a writer)
KISSING JESSICA STEIN (she’s an editor)
ALEX AND EMMA (he’s a writer)

And those are just a few, off the top of my head. I’m willing to bet there are twice as many others that fit the same, tired mold (One or both lead characters are writers, in publishing, or in advertising). Come to think of it, it works like that in TV, too. Remember the spate of simultaneously airing romantic comedy sitcoms… SEX IN THE CITY, SUDDENLY SUSAN, JUST SHOOT ME, NAKED TRUTH… all about women journalists?

Hollywood writers have to get out in the world more…

And the software they are using to "write" romantic comedies needs serious tweaking. Then again, HITCH made $45 million last weekend, so what do I know?

Your Name Has No Value Anymore

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In a response to my previous post about Andrew Coburn, I asked about other writers who are toiling in obscurity…one of whom was Robert Reiss. Sarah Weinman replied.

Robert Reiss is still writing, but he’s had to change his name to Ethan Black for his newer books.

I’ve heard this story so many times before… and it raises another growing (and little discussed) problem in the mystery/thriller field:  writers who can’t get stuff published under their own names any more… and have been forced to adopt pseudonyms to stay in the game.  There are some terrific, highly-praised authors in this predicament, and they include Jeremiah Healy (aka Terry Devane),  Gar Anthony Haywood (Ray Shannon) and Tom Kakonis (Adam Barrow). I could mention a lot more authors in the same jam but they, unlike the three gentlemen I just mentioned, are very secretive about their new nom-de-plumes.   Jerry, Gar and Tom aren’t.

One of those secretive authors told me that their editor said "We’ll be glad to keep publishing your books, but not under your name.  He’s dead. " Apparently, the author had become a fatal victim of his midlist sales figures.  Based on his past, the chains wouldn’t order more (and usually less) than what his previous book sold or give them any better placement… thus dooming him to doing no better than his worst-selling book…except, of course, if he was lucky enough to get rave reviews and generate fantastic word of mouth.

It’s a tragedy when the only way you can keep writing, and getting published, is to do it under another name… to become an unwilling ghostwriter for yourself.

Andrew Coburn

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I just finished reading OFF DUTY by Andrew Coburn, which was strongly recommended to me by Ed Gorman….and for good reason. It’s a great book.

I’d never heard of the guy, and I like to think of myself as fairly plugged in to the mystery/thriller scene.  It turns out that Coburn has written several well-reviewed thrillers and was even nominated for an Edgar a few years back…and yet, he’s  virtually unknown. As far as I know, he doesn’t have any books that are still in print and hasn’t had a new title out in several years.  Which is a damn shame, because he’s as good, or better, than many of the bestselling authors working today.

All of which got me thinking about the shadow class of mystery/thriller writers… solid pros who’ve written fantastic stuff  and yet toil in almost complete obscurity… if they are lucky enough to still be writing, and having their work published, at all.  Robert Sims Reid, Robert Reiss, Gary Disher, James Colbert, Tom Kakonis, William Hoffman, Gaylord Dold, Robert Ray and Clay Reynolds are other authors who come to mind (you might know a few, too).  I would have put Kent Harrington on that list… but, thankfully, his new book has been getting enough attention that he might finally step out into the light. 

So why is it that some authors never show up on the public or critical radar despite writing top-notch mysteries and thrillers?  Are they not marketing themselves enough? Are they victims of poor distribution and promotion? Or are they writing stuff that’s too narrow in appeal?

I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts… and learning about any authors you’d add to the list of the shadow class…

Channel Flipping

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Some assorted TV news from the pages of Variety…

SciFi Channel is renewing BATTLESTAR GALACTICA for another season.

Battlestargalactica_1 The series has averaged more than 3 million total viewers in its Friday at 10 p.m.
timeslot. "Battlestar" has also ranked No. 1 among cable shows in adults 25-54
and men 25-54 for every week the show has been on the air.

"We all really felt there was something special about this show, that the
creators delivered on their promise to take a new approach to space opera. But
we honestly weren’t sure if the show was going to be embraced," said exec VP of
programming Mark
Stern . "The show is dark and gritty and sexy and, first and
foremost, a character drama. Yes, there is a lot of action, but it certainly
wasn’t the typical space opera our viewers expected. Thankfully, they get it and
they keep showing up in big numbers."

… no word yet from the honchos at the  Colonial Fan Force on how this will impact their important campaign to convince the Hollywood suits to do a big-screen version of the original show with the original cast.  Herb Jefferson and Laurette Sprange stand ready to clear their busy schedules to be in the movie.

MGM is desperately trying to raise DEAD LIKE ME from, well, the dead. Showtime cancelled the series,  which doesn’t have enough episodes to syndicate… meaning its worthless. So MGM is trying to strike a deal… somewhere, anywhere… to crank out new episodes so they have
enough to sell the series in reruns.

An MGM spokeswoman declined to comment, but 29 hourlong episodes for Showtime
(including the 75-minute pilot) are too small a number to make the reruns of any
series salable in basic cable or TV syndication. But if a network such as Sci Fi were willing to pony up a license fee to
bring "Dead" back from the beyond, MGM would do a package deal with that network
that would include the reruns.  Time is running out, however, because the options on the services of the
stars Mandy Patinkin and Ellen Muth are close to an expiration date.

The studio tried this some years back when CBS cancelled a new version of  THE TWILIGHT ZONE… MGM took the show up to Canada, churned out 22 episodes on the cheap, and hired Page Fletcher, the star of the erotic thriller anthology THE HITCHHIKER, to be their new Rod Serling.  Maybe they can get Herb Jefferson and Laurette Sprang for DEAD LIKE ME.

MissinglogoopLifetime has cancelled WILD CARD and it looks likely that they will renew MISSING for a third season, which could be good news for yours truly (I have been a writer/producer on the show for two seasons).

Blogging Hell

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Twice today I have tried to publish a post on this blog about the TV development season and the pilots the networks are considering.

This morning, I wrote a long, detailed article full of brilliant observations, interesting TV pilot trivia, and stunningly insightful commentary on the Industry (if I do say so myself)… and through an idiotic computer mishap, lost it all.

I nearly stuck my fist through my computer monitor.  Clicked off and busied myself with other things.

So I sat down tonight and attempted to resurrect the article from memory and, although it wasn’t half as good as the earlier version, I was happy with it… and I was nearly done, about to insert another link and… clicked the wrong window to close,  and lost that !@#$%^  article, too.

So the hell with it. 

I probably shouldn’t have been writing about pilots anyway. I might need a job on one of the shows I was criticizing…

Ankle Biting Pundits

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My new "Diagnosis Murder" novel, THE WAKING NIGHMARE got a rave review from Patrick Hynes at Ankle-Biting Pundits.com, a conservative political website.

If you like mysteries, buy this book. It’s perfect for the beach. It’s perfect
for a rainy day. Perfect if you’re snowbound. And if you’re like me, you’ll
quickly get addicted.

I guess I shouldn’t tell him I voted for John Kerry…

I Must Have Touched a Nerve

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Over the last 24 hours, I’ve been getting a lot of spam comments on the blog promoting self-publishing scams and writing-oriented "Get Rich Quick Schemes"… as well as some fradulent comments under my own name. I’ve deleted them all.

My guess is that its a coordinated, and utterly pointless, campaign by one of the scammers I’ve been trashing here.  If nothing else, it certainly reveals the infantile character, limited intellect, and pitiful desperation of the conmen behind these swindles.   Don’t be surprised if you see more spam and fake comments over the coming days…it’s how they try to silence and bully their critics, but it won’t work with me.

The Whizzinator

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From here on, actor Tom Sizemore’s nick-name should be whizzinator. Why? He failed a court-ordered drug test by trying to use a prosthetic penis, known commercially as "The Whizzinator," instead of his, um, own to fill the cup.Sizemore

Prosecutors told Judge Baretto that
Sizemore failed three drug tests in three days, the first after he was
caught using a fake penis sewn into his boxer shorts and filled with a
clean urine sample kept warm by a heating pack.

Carney said the ruse was revealed when the temperature of the
sample proved too cool to have come from Sizemore’s body, and he was
asked to remove his pants.

According to prosecutors, Sizemore had been caught once before
trying to use a similar device, sold over the Internet under the brand
name the Whizzinator, and had failed drug tests on at least five
occasions.

I wonder where the "clean urine" came from and what else he uses that prosthetic penis for.

 

The Truth About Publishing

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Australian novelist Ian Irvine has written a fantastic article on the life of a book… from selling it to finding it amidst the stack of remainders at Barnes & Noble…and all the steps in-between.

The biggest problem for beginning fiction writers is that no one tells you how the system works. Becoming an author, and even
a successful one, is therefore a series of shocks as your assumptions are punctured one by one. So here, distilled from my
experiences with a dozen publishers all over the world, and conversations with many professional writers over the years, is the
truth about fiction publishing..

He also includes a very handy chart on how the royalties typically break down:

Shocked that the sales on your royalty statement don’t translate into
nearly as much money as you expected? Here’s what you can actually
expect to get, in your hand, for the sale of a single book in various
countries. It’s calculated on the pre-tax retail price, for typical
royalty rates, after your local agent has got her 15%, and your
overseas agent her percentage. If most of your foreign deals have been
done by your publisher, it’ll take around 20% agent’s fee. Sometimes,
eg for sales in Eastern Europe or Asia, there could be a local agent
involved as well, so after they’ve all got their share you’ll only end
up with 50-60% of the advances and the royalties earned. I’ve used the
current exchange rates (June ’04). If you sell enough copies to jump
into the higher royalty rate category, you’ll get more, of course. The
dramatic difference in your share of the overseas mass market editions
is due to lower price and/or royalty rates. In Australia you’ll
generally get 10%, in the UK and US more likely 7.5-8%.

Table 1: What you get in your hand after agents’ cuts, per book

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

COUNTRY   HARDCOVER**   TRADE PAPERBACK**   MASS MARKET PAPERBACK
Pre-tax Price Your share ($A) Pre-taxp Price Your share ($A) Pre-tax Price Your share ($A)
Australia $A40.50 $3.44 $A27.33 2.32 $A18.13 1.54
Britain £17.99 3.21 £12.99 2.32 £7.99* 1.07
USA $US25.95 2.52 US14.95 1.45 $US7.99# 0.62

* Exch. Rate 0.38, royalty 7.5% to 20K, Aust publisher 20%, Aust agent 15%

# Exch. Rate 0.70, royalty 8% to 100K, Aust publisher 20%, Aust agent 15%

** Trade paperback and hardcover royalties 10%

It’s an honest, accurate  and frank account of how the system works.  I heartily recommend it for all aspiring authors. (Thanks to Sarah Weinman for pointing this article out to me!)

Death by Committee II

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After reading my previous post, someone asked me:

I’m curious — without getting into specifics of which publishing house
and such, what were some of the reasons cited for any potential deal
being killed? Were they just nervous about bringing out a book that’s very
pop culture-oriented?

Here’s the jacket copy, describing what THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE is about:

Harvey Mapes is a twenty-nine-year-old security guard who spends his nights in a guard shack outside a gated community in Southern California, reading detective novels, watching TVLand reruns, and waiting for his life to finally start . . . which happens when Cyril Parkus, one of the wealthy residents, asks Harvey to follow his beautiful wife Lauren.

The lowly security guard jumps at the opportunity to fulfill his private eye fantasies and use everything he’s learned from Spenser, Magnum, and Mannix. But things don’t exactly go according to the books . . . or the reruns.

As  Harvey fumbles and stumbles through his first investigation, he discovers that the differences between fiction and reality can be deadly.
With the help of his mortgage-broker neighbor and occasional lover Carol,  Harvey uncovers a
blackmail plot that takes a sudden and unexpectedly tragic turn . . . plunging him into a world of violence, deception, and murder . . . and forcing him to discover what it really takes to be a private eye.

So many editors liked it and were enthusiastic about it. I can’t tell you
how many times I celebrated, certain we’d just sold it… and then, the
committee would weigh in. The biggest problem the "committees" had with the book was
how to categorize it. Is it a mystery? Is it a satire? Is it too dark? Is it too funny? Is it a PI novel or…what, exactly?

Some found it too funny and not dark enough…and humor doesn’t sell. (Let’s not mention Carl Hiaasen or Janet Evanovich, shall we?) Some found it too  dark and not broad enough for a comedy (I found out the hard way how badly broad, comic novels sell… I refer you to MY GUN HAS BULLETS and BEYOND THE BEYOND). Some found it  too much of a private eye novel…and PI novels aren’t selling.  Some found it not enough of a private eye novel… because PI novels are really selling.  And some didn’t think the story was "big" enough, whatever the hell that means.

But ultimately, I guess it wasn’t an easy book to fit into any pre-set genre or category. We came soooo close at a couple of major houses…but, alas,  it was not to be. But the process ate up two years.

That said, I am very happy to be at Five Star.  As you can see from LITTLE GIRL LOST, MEMORIAL DAY and ASK A DEAD MAN,  they are putting out some terrific books (and finally getting the wider notice they deserve).  And they’re not just doing mysteries, either…they also have  robust romance and western lines as well.