My Blog

Chernuchin’s Book & Pilot Deal

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Variety reports that former LAW & ORDER producer Michael Chernuchin has struck an unusual pilot deal at ABC. Not only has he landed a script order for “Expert Witness,” but a publishing contract, too.

“Expert Witness” is a sort of legal “CSI” that revolves around Roger Cleary, a thirtysomething coroner-turned-professional freelance forensic witness who works for both prosecution and defense cases. Cleary’s dad is in jail for killing his mom, and that crime inspires his career.

Interestingly, even before ABC decides whether to greenlightgreenlight the project to pilot, Chernuchin has already sealed a deal with book packager Alloy to write a series of novels based on the lead character in “Expert Witness.” Indeed, the book deal predated the ABC pactpact.

“We sold the project to TV faster than we thought,” he quipped.

This may be the first time where the “TV tie-in” novel was sold before the TV series. Chernuchin is also adapting the hit BBC series “Judge Deed” for NBC.

“Deed” focuses on a federal court justice in Washington, D.C., who is “totally moral in the courtroom by not so moral on the outside,” Chernuchin said.

“We’ve seen legal stories through almost everyone’s point of view but the judge’s,” he said. “When you see a judge on TV they’re usually just saying ‘sustained’ and ‘overruled.’ This gives me a whole different way to think about cases.”

I guess he doesn’t watch JUDGING AMY, either. And he missed THE COURT, FIRST MONDAY, and QUEENS SUPREME… just like most of America.

Boston Legal

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I loved the last season of THE PRACTICE, which pitted amoral lawyer Alan Shore (James Spader) up against the dull, self-righteous, sanctimonious regular characters who survived David E. Kelley’s big cast purge. The last few episodes introduced William Shatner as pompous, egotistical, and perhaps demented lawyer Denny Crane. The episodes were funny, sharp and surprising. I wish I could say the same about the spin-off, BOSTON LEGAL. What made it work last season was the contrast/conflict between the deadly-serious old PRACTICE characters and Spader, who undercut them at every turn. But in this series, everybody is wacky and broad… there’s no one left for Spader to play off of. And without those “serious” characters to ground things, Shatner’s Denny Crane also loses most, if not all, of his comic punch. That said, I thought critic Robert Lloyd summed up the pleasures of watching Spader & Shatner at work…

Spader’s Alan Shore is a kind of happy, unflappable sociopath — perfect qualities for a trial lawyer, one might say — given to dumb smiles, soft-spoken barbs and an unhurried, deliberate way of moving. Whereas most television characters are constructed and played so that you know exactly what they’re thinking as they think it, and what they’re going to do before they do it, Shore (though you can at least expect him to do the right thing in the wrong way) remains enigmatic. By giving up so little, Spader makes him that much more interesting.

Spader’s appeal is peculiarly nonsexual; his real chemistry here is with Shatner. Indeed, there’s something sort of Kirk and Spock about them — Shatner puffed up like a blowfish, Spader deadpan and not quite of this Earth.

Aged an unbelievable 73, Shatner delivers a typically big performance, but one perfectly appropriate to a character who conceives of himself as larger than life. Yet at the same time, it’s his most modest work ever. Shatner has an unusual ability to play off his own pompousness, which makes him extremely likable, and for all kinds of reasons, not the least of them having to do with one’s memories of earlier Shatners, he is a joy to watch — that certain joy of watching the actor and the character at the same time.

West Hollywood Book Fair

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I spent the day yesterday at the West Hollywood Book Fair and had a great time talking shop with my friends Steve Cannell, Gar Haywood, Ian Ogilvy, Nathan Walpow, Michael Mallory, John Morgan Wilson, Denise Hamilton, Gregg Hurwitz, Bill Fitzhugh, Jerrilyn Farmer, Bob Levinson, Barbara Seranella, Lee Lankford, Gary Phillips, Randy & Jean-Marc Lofficier and Peter Lefcourt.

I also ate a couple of Joanne Fluke’s cookies and talked with lots of mystery fans.

That said, I think I sold a grand total of four books. Most of the other authors I talked to did about as well…or worse. It was strange…the fair was packed, but people just weren’t buying books. Several of the booksellers I talked to were also disappointed.

The only only authors who seemed to draw crowds were Clive Barker and Pamela Anderson’s breasts.

Bouchercon

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I’m gonna be scarce around these parts next week… I’m heading off to Bouchercon , the world mystery convention, in Toronto on Wednesday morning and will be staying up there until the 12th. Toronto is also where we shoot “Missing.”

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If you’re attending, I’ll be on the Page & Screen Panel at 3-4 pm on Friday, Oct 8th I’ll also be attending the Mystery Writers of America reception at 5:30 pm. And I will be keynote speaker at the Sisters in Crime Breakfast benefitting Metro Toronto Literacy project at 7:30 am on Saturday, Oct. 9th, in room 107. Sara Paretsky will be the host.

Pre-Published

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Back when I was president of the SoCal chapter of the Mystery Writers of America, some aspiring writers got upset with me for refusing to refer to them as “pre-published” instead. I think it’s a ridiculous term, a lame attempt at empowerment that makes me want to “pre-vomit.” Should we also calling aspiring screenwriters “pre-produced?” Midlist authors “pre-bestselling authors?” Are horny guys “pre-laid?”

I recently expressed that view again on Dorothyl, the mailing list for mystery fans and authors. I’m sure I’m about to get slammed again, accused of being a heart-less, successful author who is unsympathetic to the plight of struggling, unpublished writers.

And to them I say, “Hey, I was an aspiring writer for a lot of years…I wasn’t born with a book contract and a TV gig.”

The term “pre-published” is bullshit, a silly empowerment exercise that only makes whoever is using it look even more amateurish and desperate.

Writing doesn’t guarantee publication. And just because you write, that doesn’t mean you are any good at it. And as hard as it is for struggling writers to accept, you aren’t a professional writer until you’re published and paid for your work (or, in the case of screenwriters, until you’ve actually sold a screenplay).

Granted, there are a lot of professional writers who aren’t any good. I may be one of them. But the fact remains, they are authors. Those who aren’t published and paid for their work are not. They are aspiring authors/aspiring writers.

Someone who needs to call themselves “pre-published” for their self-esteem is more likely to become “self-published” than anything else…

“ER” Needs Medical Attention

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I know one reason why ER is slipping in the ratings…

It’s new episodes all feel like reruns. After nine years, or however long the show has been on, every single doctor in the E.R. has been a trauma patient. It’s become ridiculous. This week, they wheeled in not one, but two, critically injured doctors. How often can they play the “oh my god, the patient is Dr. Schmeckle!” beat? It’s bad enough when they play the “oh my god, the patient is Dr. Schmeckle’s brother!” (or mother, or girlfriend, or sister, etc. etc.)

But if that wasn’t bad enough, how many times can they do the “doctors trapped in rising water” bit? Ever since that terrific George Clooney episode in season one or two, they keep rehashing that plot, and variations of it, every season.

It’s time for E.R. to go in for an Extreme Make-Over. It’s become a tired, maudlin, uninspired soap opera… no wonder people are changing the channel.

Anne Rice Bares Her Fangs

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the blog Something Positive reports that Anne Rice wasn’t too pleased by the reader reviews of BLOOD CANTICLE on Amazon… so she fired back with spirited defense of her own work. I had to check this out for myself. And it’s true… (I’m assuming, perhaps stupidly, that Amazon has confirmed its actually Rice)…

Here’s some of what she wrote…

Seldom do I really answer those who criticize my work. In fact, the entire development of my career has been fueled by my ability to ignore denigrating and trivializing criticism as I realize my dreams and my goals. However there is something compelling about Amazon’s willingness to publish just about anything, and the sheer outrageous stupidity of many things you’ve said here that actually touches my proletarian and Democratic soul. Also I use and enjoy Amazon and I do read the reviews of other people’s books in many fields. In sum, I believe in what happens here. And so, I speak.

She also is anything but modest when it comes to her own work…

Every word is in perfect place. The short chapter in which Lestat describes his love for Rowan Mayfair was for me a totally realized poem…

I leave it to readers to discover how this complex and intricate novel establishes itself within a unique, if not unrivalled series of books…

And she doesn’t take kindly to people who differ with her high regard for her own work.

Now, if it doesn’t appeal to you, fine. You don’t enjoy it? Read somebody else. But your stupid arrogant assumptions about me and what I am doing are slander. And you have used this site as if it were a public urinal to publish falsehood and lies. I’ll never challenge your democratic freedom to do so, and yes, I’m answering you, but for what it’s worth, be assured of the utter contempt I feel for you, especially those of you.

If you don’t think every word is in perfect place, or that her writing is great art, she’s willing to offer you a refund.

If any of you want to say anything about all this by all means Email me at Anneobrienrice@mac.com. And if you want your money back for the book, send it to 1239 First Street, New Orleans, La, 70130. I’m not a coward about my real name or where I live.

While I think it’s gutsy to offer a personal refund to any unsatisfied reader, I don’t think she did herself any favors by responding to her critics. If anything, she paints a rather unflattering picture of herself that’s more damaging than any negative review.

Diagnosis Murder Fanfic

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I know there are people writing Diagnosis Murder Fanfic out there, and I thought I’d heard every possible permutation (Hurt/Comfort, Slash, etc.), but this… well, this one is the champ. An anonymous poster alerted me to "Nesting", a Diagnosis Murder story by Sarah Saint Ives, at this fanfic site…

"He’s a brilliant doctor." Dr. Mark Sloan was saying as Steve entered the office. "His work with invitro fertilization is incredible. He’s helped a lot of childless couples conceive and deliver normal, healthy babies."

"So, what do you think? Should I go through with it? Dr. Jesse Travis asked. The younger doctor looked up to Mark as a mentor, even as a father figure.

"That’s up to you, Jesse. It’s your body."

Steve glanced curiously at his father, then his best friend. "What’s up?" he asked. "What about his body? You thinking about giving someone a kidney, Jess?"

Jesse looked down, then met his eyes a little shyly. Steve mused that it was an engaging flaw in his character to be occasionally reticent. Although Jesse Travis was gifted with an impressive IQ and an insatiable curiosity, he was laden with personal insecurities, which, to Steve, made him even more adorable. "Dr. Homer Penrose. He asked me to be a guinea pig for an experiment."

"Well, tell me about it." Steve said. "Judging by the looks on both your faces, if you asked me right now, I’d say the answer is not just ‘no’, but *hell*, no! What does he want to do to you?"

There was a long pause, then Jesse said, "Make me pregnant."

Hey, it could happen. All Jesse needs, the story goes on to say, is a proper "birthing orifice," and everything will be fine. Steve is all too happy to start looking for the orifice because, ladies and gentleman, this is also slash fanfic.

Once the "birthing orifice" issue is resolved, there’s just one hitch.

"Very minor ones."

"He would like an answer to the question, Penrose." Steve said, not so nicely.

Penrose was irked by the policeman’s presence. "He will be unable to perform sexually with a woman during the pregnancy." he directed the statement at Steve. "It’s necessary for the sake of the baby."

Hey, the doc didn’t say anything about sex with a man, so no problem! Everything works out and Jesse gets knocked up, though Jesse has some jitters…

She’s going to be perfect in every way, Jesse.” Placing his hands on either side of his friend’s face, Steve forced calming eye contact. “She’s going to be beautiful and smart just like you. She’ll have your big blue eyes, your cute little nose, your sweet personality and your radiant smile. It doesn’t matter who the biological parents are, Jess. She’s yours, and she’ll be the way you raise her.”

Jesse laid a hand on his chest. “I’m so glad you’re here with me, Steve. What would I do without you?”

“You’ll never know because I’ll be here forever, my love.” After placing a soft kiss on the younger man’s button nose, Steve started the car and drove toward Jesse’s apartment. Conversationally, he asked, “Would you feel safer if your own sperm cells had been used to fertilize the egg?”

“Nothing makes me feel very safe except being this close to you.” Jesse was still attached to his arm.

Excuse me, I have to wipe the tears from my eyes… and the vomit off my keyboard.

The Mail I Get

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Dick Van Dyke, you might have noticed, is on the cover of my Diagnosis Murder novels. He was also the star of the show. He’s also the central characters in my Diagnosis Murder novels. Seems to me that makes sense, right?
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Well, today I got an email from a fan who is very upset with me for not “putting Steve front-and-center.” She’s referring to the character played by Dick’s real-life son, Barry Van Dyke. She said she was “sick and tired” of me “making it very clear which character I prefer.” She also went on to say that if the next book didn’t feature Steve on equal footing with Mark, then she’d stop reading the books.

I sent her a note back, saying she could stop reading now…what she wanted wasn’t going to happen.

“Diagnosis Murder” wouldn’t have existed without Dick Van Dyke as Dr. Mark Sloan… everyone else was a supporting character. The same is true in my books. Dr. Mark Sloan is the central character… and always will be.

I got another email this week from a fan who believes that Steve should be as much of a deductive genius as his father… at the very least, they should be a team. Here is what I wrote to her:

Thank you for your thoughtful note. Steve is a good cop in his own right. But Mark Sloan has a gift… a natural affinity for solving mysteries… that Steve doesn’t have. Steve loves and respects his father… and recognizes his father’s gift. In some ways, the characters mirror the actors who played them… Dick Van Dyke is a living legend, a brilliant actor, comedian, singer and dancer. His son Barry is a fine actor… competent and professional… who nonetheless doesn’t match the amazing talents his father has.