"MarytheFan"  defends her search for masturbation fanfic and is applauded, in later comments on her blog, for being a classy gal ("Just wanted to say that I fangirl you madly at the class you’re showing").  Anyway, MarytheFan writes, in part:

I have zero interest in a discussion with someone who functions on the
middle-school level that equates masturbation with something stupid and pathetic
that only losers do because they can’t get anything better, rather than as one
perfectly valid, healthy and fun sexual option in a smorgasboard of sexual
options. Maybe if my actual masturbatory experiences had consisted solely of
sad, pathetic situations in which I was a loser who was only masturbating
because I couldn’t get anything better, rather than situations in which I was
enjoying my own body because holy good god, that felt good, I’d think it
was a pathetic and loser activity. Guess what? You also don’t go blind or have
hair grow on your palms, in case anyone out there was still functioning
furtively in the shadow of those old myths. Well, unless you poke yourself in
the eye, I suppose, in which case, wow. Bendy, aren’t you?

I have no problem with masturbation, Mary. It’s healthy, feels good, and
keeps Cinemax in business. What I find pathetic are people who
masturbate over fanfiction that portrays TV and movie
characters masturbating, and the people who write fanfiction about fictional characters masturbating, and people who would announce to the world that they are
searching for fanfiction about TV and movie characters  masturbating that they can
masturbate to.

This would also probably be a good time to, once again, mention Lindsay Lohan’s nipples.

15 thoughts on “Masturbation!”

  1. Leaving aside the issues raised in your previous post re: that special sort of Harry Potter fan (and other ‘-isms’ and ‘-ilias’) what do you see as the defining difference between a one-handed viewing of Cinemax, and a one-handed read of a story about, hmmm, Lex and Lana doing the hokey-pokey?

  2. P.M. Rommell,
    Duhhhh. How thick are you? Where’s your funny bone?
    He’s making fun of you morons, can’t you see that? Jerk-offs writing jerk-off fanfiction they can jerk-off to. I think it’s pretty damn funny myself. So does everybody else except the minority of pervs who read and write Real People Slash, Harry Potter Pedo, Boston Legal Mpreg, Kirk/Spock slash and who get boners dreaming about the guys on “Due South” whacking off.
    The fanfiction crowd is a joke to the majority of people. The fact that those same losers scour the net for jerk-off fanfiction they can jerk-off is to damn ironic to ignore. It just makes them an even bigger joke.
    (I remember his hilarious post about the Galactica Fan Force trying to bring back the original “Battlestar Galactica” with the original cast. That was a classic. I almost wet myself laughing. He should re-post it!)

  3. If I really wanted to jack up my hit count, I’d mention Lindsay Lohan’s nipples in every post.
    Oh…wait..I’m doing that.
    Mentioning fanfic doesn’t do anything for my hit count, not that I care about my hits. On the other hand… you’d be stunned how many people are running google searches for Lindsay’s nipples every day (and landing at my blog where they are undoubtably deeply disappointed not to find anything). They are every bit as pathetic, of course, as people who write DUE SOUTH masturbation fanfic…and those who masturbate with it. And almost as funny.

  4. Can someone explain to me what the big deal is? How is this any different from asking for masturbation porno movies?
    Unless you’re some sort of uber prude. Or… you’re running out of ways to attack “t3h ebil fanficcers”.

  5. Why is searching the net for “DUE SOUTH masturbation fanfic” to jerk-off with pathetic???
    It’s this utter cluelessness that is one of the reasons fanfic readers/writers will never understand why Goldberg and the rest of the world laughs at them.
    Judging by your “t3h ebil fanficcers” line, you probably think learning to speak Klingon is a valuable skill and wonder why people laugh at you.
    How is your unicorn collection coming?
    The Insider

  6. “t3h ebil fanficcers”
    Fanspeak. Sort of like jive, but with wurz speling. In fandom communities the presumption is that anybody who isn’t really a fan – they actually refer to it as ‘passing’ – can possibly get it, when they say ‘get it’ they mean ‘fandom in general’.
    In other words, youse either with us or you don’t get it. Sorta like what we used to tell our parents when we were teenagers and they wanted to know the names of the kids we were ‘hanging’ with, and what funny smell emanated from our clothes, or how pretty the plant with five leaves growing on our windowsills was and how nice we’d taken an interest in horticulture.
    At some point, the childish stuff ends. That happens when we grow up. When we just get older and we don’t grow up, we look for fanfic about TV characters masturbating so that we can masturbate to it. We continue to have the hots for David Cassidy in all his 15 year old glory on the Partridge Family. We have intense and heated arguments with others over the characterizations of cartoon characters.
    We keep doing that even after we get degrees and jobs and look perfectly normal to the outside world. Whenever somebody questions our proclivity to invade the sexual privacy of real people, or why we like to write fanfiction about children having sex, we trot out the degrees and the jobs and we call what we do ‘scholarship’ and wonder what sort of pervert the person questioning the action is. That’s called transference.
    The most intense discussion of what happens here on Mr. Goldberg’s blog takes place in LiveJournal land in threads that are largely protected.
    Authors, scholars, whoever, do not make any statements here because who wants their publisher or tenure committee to know that they used to write, and maybe still do write, lies about real people’s sex lives. Heaven forfend they know we get off on writing stories about underage people having sex. How about it coming out that the author of that hot new fantasy series still gets off on Mutant Ninja Turtles slashfic and spends her off hours making fun of people on Fandom Wank under an assumed name then TALKS about it on the journal she keeps under her real name?
    There are academic papers to be had in all of this, but the only ones taking it seriously are the ones with a vested interest in making it appear harmless.

  7. Why spend all that time searching for and writing fanfic when you can cut straight to the chase and unzip the pants? If anything, I object to all this because it strikes me as poor time management and discounts the imaginative impulses of the brain.

  8. Wow, way to miss a point here. (And may I say thank you for the ad hominem)
    First of all, it is called Netspeak and mostly made of either 1337 speech or random typos. Don’t worry, I don’t know it, only the parts I keep seeing from various parts of internet forums. It’s also used in various forms of mocking and sarcasm. I found it appropriate since mister Goldberg and a few of his fellow posters sometimes have about the same logic as some of those who roam the internet. M. Goldberg has tried and tried again to denounce the “evils” of fanfiction with legal statements and failed and is now attacking it by digging up the dirtiest things in fandom in order to prove a point. That was the damn point.
    [i]Why is searching the net for “DUE SOUTH masturbation fanfic” to jerk-off with pathetic???
    It’s this utter cluelessness that is one of the reasons fanfic readers/writers will never understand why Goldberg and the rest of the world laughs at them.[/i]
    And again I ask: “What about porno movies?” Isn’t it… the same thing? Except you actually get to visualise the bad acting and the fake moans? And guess what, isn’t looking for masturbation fanfics on the net the same thing as entering a video store looking for odd porn movies, or scearching the net for that Paris Hilton video?
    And actually, I do get why M. Goldberg and “the rest of the world” laughs at us… You guys have a serious ego trip. Especially Inside Fandom who seems to quote only the most bizarre fans of the internet. I didn’t know being part of a fandom made me wear a “facade” to the outside world so they don’t discover the fact that I write fanfiction. I didn’t know that everything I do, I do to hide that fact behind my education. Good to know I’m only in university so I can later flaunt my diplomas so they won’t ask about if I’m involved in some ways into fandom.


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