How To Be The Saint on a Limited Budget

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Many thanks to the Davy Crockett Almanack for leading me to The Tainted Archive, and their post on "How to Emulate THE SAINT On A Limited Budget." The tips include:

3- You must maintain an air of mystery. To truly emulate the Saint you must create an aura of unpredictability around yourself. Always get up and hour or so before your young lady and sneak out, not returning sometimes for weeks on ends. Never say where you've been and always counter questions with other questions such as, 'has a bald oriental man been around looking for me?' or 'Life's too short. Let's go eat oysters and sip bubbly.' Another way to become an enigma is to jump up, asking if it's the police every-time the doorbell rings. When you do this slip a hand into your suit pocket as if you are reaching for a non existent gun. Whilst it is understood that some of these things will be difficult for a married Saint – it can still be done. Simply carry out the steps listed above but prepare yourself for divorce proceedings. Disappearing for weeks on end has been known to annoy certain wives.

The Girl Who Played with Cliches

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I hated THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO. I thought it was a boring, cliche-ridden, bloated mess. The Lisbeth Salander character was, by far, the best thing about it…unfortunately,  the story centered primarily on Michael Blomkvist, a thinly disguised, idealized version of the author himself and the magazine he founded. It's an awful book.

Girl-who-played-with-fire  The only reason I read the sequel, THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE, is because so many people told me it was a much better book than TATTOO…and that it would make me understand the phenomenon. To some degree, they are right. The first third of the book is centered on Salander and her adventures abroad and back in Sweden…which actually are a lot of fun to read, if you can get past all the cliches (more on that in a minute). Salander is a great character that's stuck, unfortunately,  in two lousy novels.

The instant Michael Blomkvist returns, and even before he takes the spotlight, the book becomes overwhelmed with dull exposition (which is repeated endlessly, telling you the same facts over and over and over again), ridiculous coincidences, and pointless scenes that neither move the story forward nor reveal character. The characters become so thin that calling them "cardboard" would be giving them more substance and depth than they actually have. As if this wasn't punishment enough for the reader, the cliche-count radically increases as the book slogs on until it seems like there's one in every paragraph. Here are just a few of them:

"Nutty as a fruitcake"

"Go jump in a lake."

"he's pulling my leg."

"too many irons in the fire."

"out like a light."

"keep it under our hats."

"like a hot potato."

"you're clutching at straws."

"afraid he'd spill the beans."

"the penny dropped." 

"she's a loose cannon."

"cool as a cucumber."

"fight tooth and nail."

"kept her nose clean."

"fly in the ointment"

And so it goes, on and on, one dusty old cliche after another. By far the most used cliche in the book is "Hung out to dry/hang out to dry." It was used a dozen times before I gave up counting. I doubt these are Swedish cliches, so I blame the translator for being a lazy hack…and his editor for not doing his job.

This is a truly terrible book on just about every level. That said, it's marginally better than TATTOO by virtue of the first third.

The Voices in Our Heads

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There's a terrific interview with my brother Tod over at The Writers Inner Journey. Here's an excerpt:

"That I am able to ruminate on these rather dark issues for great lengths of time is somewhat disturbing in that I think the difference between what is clinically considered insane and what is clinically considered a writer isn’t that different—we both have voices in our head for prolonged periods of time and, occasionally, have intense conversations with them—but I think the only time I’ve been frightened by an idea was when I didn’t think I knew how to write it or wasn’t confident in my ability to do the story justice."

The Ladies Room

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Smallcover  My super-talented and creative sisters Linda Woods and Karen Dinino, authors of the wildly acclaimed, bestselling VISUAL CHRONICLES and JOURNAL REVOLUTION, have just published a new art book, which is sure to please their droves of devoted fans, who seem to idolize "the seesters" (sadly, the brothers, Tod and myself, have no such following). 

The book is called Meeting In The Ladies Room: Reflections Of Women In A Room Of Their Own and its a collaboration of photos and essays by a wide variety of creative women, including Rosie O'Donnell, Jann Arden, Amanda Palmer, Jen Foser and SHeDAISY. Here's the scoop:

What do you see when you look in the mirror?
What do you think about when you are alone?
What's the best ladies room you've ever been in?
Whether you are an idolized celebrity or a struggling single mother, the ladies room is where you create your make believe, and where you face your reality. Join 68 brave women from around the world for an empowering look in the mirror and a meeting in the ladies room.

My sisters' fearless, humorous, no-rules approach to life and art has been featured on THE VIEW, in  magazines and newspapers nationwide, in other people's art books, and at every single one of our family gatherings. They don't go anywhere without their cameras around their necks…not even to go take a pee, as this gorgeous and remarkable book proves. Sisters2  

The publisher is offering a special $10 discount off the cover price until December 31st. To get the savings, enter the code below at check-out.

Orders from the US (using US $):   GREATGIFT
Orders from UK (using UK £):   GREATGIFT2
Orders from EU (using EU €):   GREATGIFT3
Orders from AU (using AUD $):   GREATGIFT4

Be sure to check out the book preview!

Flop Pilot Bonanza

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Warner Brothers is making some hard-to-find busted pilots available for sale on DVD exclusively from their site. The $19.95 titles include Irwin Allen's CITY BENEATH THE SEA, Gene Roddenberry's GENESIS TWO and PLANET EARTH, and  Andy Griffith's two "Sam McNeill" movies – WINTER KILL and DEADLY GAME (the concept was later reworked in two, one hour-long, ADAMS OF EAGLE LAKE flop pilots). They've also got some cool stuff like the pilots for the short-lived series MAN FROM ATLANTIS and THEN CAME BRONSON.  It's a real bonanza for TV geeks like, well, me.

Preying on Dreams

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Author Laura Lippman, who will be MWA president next year, commented on her blog about the reaction among self-published authors to MWA's decision. She wrote:

As the incoming MWA president, I have no voting rights, no role in policy-making. I am the happiest little figurehead you ever did see. But I served two terms on the board and I know how much work board members put into the organization. I also feel genuinely sad that so many self-published writers feel slighted by MWA's policies.No, it's not about merit. It's about professionalism. And while being paid for one's work isn't the only way to be professional, it's an awfully good way to start.

[…]I can't persuade people that MWA's policies are not the equivalent of censorship, that MWA isn't trying to prevent anyone from publishing, much less trying to block their right to self-expression. I'm not sure I can even persuade folks inclined to think differently that self-publishing is not synonymous with vanity publishing. No matter what I say, there are going to be some self-published writers — differently published? — who insist that I belong to MWA because I'm scared of a true free market, in which I would have to compete with all writers, not just those chosen by the — take your pick of adjectives — insular, out-of-touch, arrogant mainstream publishing industry.

This much I can say: MWA didn't change the game. Harlequin did. All the organization did was apply its existing policies to Harlequin's changing business model. And if you can't see how Harlequin's pay-to-publish program is designed to prey on writers and their dreams — well, then I'm not really sure that you're cynical enough to write crime fiction.

Mr. Monk and the Strong Start

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MM_in_Trouble.revised The hardcover of MR. MONK IN TROUBLE and the paperback of MR. MONK AND THE DIRTY COP were both off to very strong starts in sales last week. TROUBLE hit #9 on the Barnes & Noble mystery hardcover list and #35 on the Borders hardcover bestseller list. Meanwhile, DIRTY COP hit #38 on Borders mass market mystery bestseller list,  #3 on the B&N mystery mass market list, and  #31 on B&N's overall mass market bestseller list. Thank you so much, Monk fans!