The Wheelman

Wheelman
Duane Swierczynski’s THE WHEELMAN is a fast-moving, darkly humorous cross between PULP FICTION and 24 , a non-stop blur of turnabouts, double-crosses, coincidences, cliff-hangers and switch-backs.  At first the dizzying, relentless pace of the plot is exhilirating, funny and addictive…full of quirky characters and sudden violence… but about 3/4s of the way through, it becomes tiresome and repetitive (it doesn’t help that the characters themselves are going around in circles).  While there’s much to admire in Swierczynski’s tight prose, sharp dialogue and colorful characters, he gets too caught up in his own cleverness, letting his plot spin into nothing.  Ultimately, the book is a ride that doesn’t take you anywhere… a race without a finish line.  But there’s no doubt Swierczynski has got the talent, and the voice, to write a great crime novel. And I wouldn’t be surprised if his next one is it.

Immortalized

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I’ve been immortalized as a hitman in Victor Gischler’s new book SHOTGUN OPERA:

He was born Lee Goldberg in Sydney, Australia, but it had been many years since anyone had called him by that name. His stage name was Jack Sprat. He changed it after meeting the Fat Lady during a boardwalk carnival act in Atlantic City. Mavis was big and soft and beautiful, and Goldberg — now Sprat — fell in love.

They were married three months later and the stage names were a no-brainer. Jack Sprat was five feet five inches tall, all spindly hard muscle and sinew, a bald head and a big nose that gave him the appearance of a vulture.

He’s got my manly nose and sinewy bod down right, but the rest isn’t quite accurate.  I’veDm6a_1
returned the favor in my new book THE DEAD LETTER, where Victor shows up as a hitman, too:


Victor Gischler, known as The Do-er to the underworld of gun monkeys and the casual readers of the classifieds in Soldier of Fortune magazine, drove his growling ’68 Mercury Cougar up to the Monterey Bay
area from his home-base in Fontana, California, where he liked to hang out with his fellow members of the John Birch society, the Aryan Brotherhood, and the Boy Scouts of America.

[…] he’d show them both the glorious American eagle tattooed on his belly, its talons clinging to his hairy navel, and they’d be overcome by patriotism and lust. They might even fight with each other over who got to have him first.

I haven’t seen Victor’s belly but if he doesn’t have an American eagle tattooed on it, he should get one.

KUNG FU returns… again

Variety reports that Warner Brothers is mounting a big screen version of the TV series KUNG FU. This is not the first time the studio has tried to wring more money from the cult hit…they did a KUNG FU returns reunion movie with David Carradine, a busted pilot with Brandon Lee (KUNG FU: THE NEXT GENERATION), and a made-in-Canada syndicated series with Carradine and Chris Potter (KUNG FU: THE LEGEND CONTINUES). What makes this development noteworthy, however, is that they haven’t signed either Owen Wilson or Ben Stiller or Colin Farrell to star in it yet.

Nobody Wants to Read Your Adaptation of CHILDHOOD’S END

I got this email the other day:

Suppose you adapt something that you love (a novel or a comic or short story) and it turns out very good. Would it be ethical to use this as a writing sample? Would it be a good idea? Would it demonstrate to a producer or agent your ability to adapt other materials?

On the one hand this seems to me very much like fanfic in that you’re using characters and a world created by some one to which you have no rights. On the other hand when you spec a TV show, which you do use as a writing sample, you’re doing the exact same thing.

I have to admit that these are questions nobody has ever asked me before.  The answer is no, you should not adapt someone else’s novel for your spec script.  And here’s why:

1) The point of a spec feature is to show off your unique voice and your ability to tell a compelling, original story. No producer is going to be impressed if you adapt THE DAVINCI CODE as your spec.

2) The point of an episodic spec is to show your ability to capture the structure, voice, characters, and tone of an existing TV series.  Basing your spec on a book, comic, or pre-existing movie tells a producer absolutely nothing about your grasp of the four-act structure or your ability to mimick the voice of a TV character.

3) You don’t own the book, comic book, or short story. It’s not yours to adapt. It’s stealing.

4) It’s not even remotely the same thing as writing a spec episode of an existing TV series. It’s accepted practice within the TV industry that it’s okay to write an episode of an existing series for the sole purpose of using it as a writing sample. You’re given a free pass, essentially, to play with characters you don’t own because there’s an understanding you’re not going to publish it, produce it, or sell it. A spec episodic script is a sample of your work, a way for producers to gauge if you can mimic the plotting, voice, structure, and tone of a TV series.

5) It’s an enormous cheat. Let’s be honest, you’re turning to a book, comic book, or other pre-existing property
because you’re too lazy to do the work involved in coming up with an
original story. Or you don’t have the skills to mimic an episode of a TV show. Or you’re so blinded by fanboy love of the material that
you can’t see what a stupid idea it is to send out your own adaptation.
Here are some of the least offensive things agents and producers will
think of you if you send out your unsolicited adaptation of  CATCHER IN
THE RYE or CAPTAIN MARVEL or your reimagining of SEAQUEST DSV:  "Loser,"
"geek," "never been laid," "speaks fluent Klingon," "talentless
amateur," "moron," "loves Real Person Slash Fic," "Collects unicorn
statuettes,"  "Lives with his Mother," "Dimwit," and "Longs for the return
of the original BATTLESTAR GALACTICA."

All that said, I vaguely recall reading somewhere that John Irving gave a young director the rights to one of his books (perhaps A WIDOW FOR ONE YEAR or OWEN MEANY) based on an  screenplay adaptation of the novel that the film-maker wrote on spec to impress the novelist.  But that’s a unique situation and very different from what you’re proposing.

Stunt Casting

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I was looking for a racy and suggestive DIAGNOSIS MURDER shot toPolice
illustrate the previous post and, shockingly, couldn’t find one. But I did Spy_1
stumble on these gallery shots from some of our big stunt casting episodes (MANNIX, MATLOCK, TV Spies, TV Doctors, TV Cops, TV Sf, M*A*S*H).  They brought back some fond memories for me and reveal why TV geeks should never be put in charge of a series. (Click on the pictures for larger images).Mash_1
Dmdrs
Mannix
Dmmatlock

There’s Also a Sex Cult at Leisure World based on DIAGNOSIS MURDER Novels

Police in the UK busted a sex slavery cult who based their S&M lifestyle on a series of 1960s sf novels.

The Kaotians are a splinter group of the Goreans, which according to estimates number 25,000 followers nationwide. Both
groups base their slavery and dominance beliefs on a series of novels
written by John Norman, an American philosophy academic. THE CHRONICLES OF GOR depict a society, called the land of Gor, which is divided into
castes, and where women are kept as slaves.

(thanks to Bookslut for the heads-up)

Harry Potter, PI

Variety reports that the SciFi Channel has ordered 11 episodes of THE DRESDEN FILES, a weekly series starring Paul Blackthorne as a PI with magical powers. The series is based on the books by Jim Butcher and will be produced by Morgan Gendel, Hans Beimler, Robert Wolfe, and Nicholas Cage.

It’s Offensive

I got this email today:

It’s = "It is."
Its = possessive

From your website:

"I’ve written here before about the unethically close relationship between
Writer’s Digest and it’s vanity press advertisers."

"The CW has leaked it’s fall schedule… and it doesn’t include EVERWOOD or
REBA."

Please stop offending your readers with such sloppiness and/or ignorance.

Very Truly Yours,
Pinky

It’s sloppiness. I know the rule, but I make the mistake anyway. It’s one of my many flaws. I also have a hard time spelling "marriage," "villain," "similar," "envelope," and "weird" correctly. But I don’t spend a lot of time proofing my blog posts (okay, none at all), so if you offend that easily, I suggest you visit my brother’s blog instead and make sure he’s using the term "fucktard" correctly.