The Elusive Fucktardicine Americanas

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Every week, my brother Tod hilariously skewers Parade Magazine and the fucktards (and Parade staffers) who pose questions to Walter Scott.  This week, though, Tod is at his best. Here’s my favorite part, which had me choking on my morning bagel:

As a child in the 1960s, I loved the novelty songs of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Are they still around?

It’s
hard to answer the question Jon Brown poses because it works on so many
different levels of consciousness. Are the songs still around? No, Jon,
the songs were stuffed into a time capsule and shot into space, which
is why you never hear them around Christmas anymore. And everyone knows
that once a song stops playing, well, it ceases to exist. Why, it’s
amazing the Star Spangled Banner has lasted so long, but I put that in
the hands of the Lord. You know what also no longer exists? Final
Countdown by Europe. Poof! It failed to exist. It’s no longer "around".
Same with Mickey by Toni Basil. The entire Blow Monkeys catalog.
Remember 99 Luftballons by Nena? Gone. No longer "around".

And then the larger question: Does Jon actually mean Alvin
and the Chipmunks? Does Jon Brown of Natick, Mass, really think Alvin
and the Chipmunks are no longer "around"? Well, that would indicate
that Alvin and the Chipmunks ever, you know, existed. You see, Jon,
they were a cartoon. Louis Leakey discovered in 1975 that cartoons
weren’t, in fact, part of the hominid line and all the history books
had to be rewritten. C. Owen Lovejoy, in his landmark paper on the
subject, noted that cartoons were actually "[D]rawn by people working
in Burbank, California and have no relation to any known lines of human
evolution. In addition, it appears the Brown family of Natick, Mass. is
part of a forgotten link in the parade of humanity known as fucktardicine americanas."

Bum Bum Bum-dee Bum Bum…

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I didn’t like MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3…but I absolutely love the soundtrack. I can’t stop listening to it. The score is exhilirating in a way the movie wasn’t. Composer Michael Giacchino did a fantastic reinterpreting Lalo Schifrin’s classic cues and added some great ones of his own. I’m also a huge fan of Giacchino’s THE INCREDIBLES soundtrack, a rousing and fun-loving homage to the John Barry 007 scores of the 60s and 70s (particularly ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE).  I’m hoping the Bond folks pick Giacchino to score CASINO ROYALE…

Why Do Writers Delude Themselves?

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I understand what it’s like to dream of being a writer. I understand how hard it is to achieve that dream. I understand how difficult it is to remain in print. I understand it because I’ve lived it.

What I don’t understand is why some writers delight in deluding themselves — even when they  know that what they are doing is foolish, costly, pointless and pathetic.  I got an email the other day that’s a perfect example of this bizarre phenomenon.  Here’s how it began: 

I’ve been reading you for a while.  I don’t get people who post
their unpublished writing on their blogs or websites.  On the other
hand, I feel somewhat guilty because I have a self-published book out
(pretty pathetic, I know, but 27 years ago my first book was published
commercially and I’ve had books reviewed in the LA & NY Times) and
feel really weird about trying to promote it.  I don’t quite know what
to do.

Okay, he had a book published 27 years ago and has had his work reviewed by the NY Times and LA Times. That’s great. But what does that have to do with self-publishing his book today? Nothing.

He says he feels "weird" trying to promote the book and doesn’t quite know how to do it. Excuse me?  He’s asking himself now how he’s going to promote his self-published novel? Shouldn’t he have thought of that before writing a check to some vanity press? What was he thinking when he went to a vanity press? Clearly, he wasn’t thinking at all. He was deluding himself. But it gets worse…or sadder, depending on your perspective:

I
doubt you’d be interested in my book, but here’s a link to the Kirkus
Discoveries review (yeah, I paid $350 to them so I’d get at least one
review): xyz  and to my stupid website, xyz.

Let’s try to follow the logic of that paragraph, one sentence at a time…

"I doubt you’d be interested in my book, but here’s a link to the Kirkus Discoveries review."

He doesn’t think I’ll care about his book, but he’s going to point me to a review that he paid for anyway, because that might convince me it’s good.  Huh??

"Yeah, I paid $350 to them so I’d get at least one review."

This is a perfect example of what I’m talking about: a writer deluding himself, knowing that he is, and going along with the delusion anyway.  If you paid for a positive review, it’s not really a review, is it? In fact, it’s worthless.  What good is a review that everyone knows you’ve bought and paid for? Does it make you feel better about your work that someone you paid to like it says he likes it? You could have saved $350 by simply writing a rave review of your book yourself.

It’s clear from his email that he knows he made a mistake, he feels foolish about it, and yet he can’t stop himself from compounding his error. He paid to be published without thinking about how he’d promote his book once it was out. He paid for a review just for the pleasure of seeing someone talk about his work.  Then he sends an email to me, of all people, that basically says "look at me, aren’t I pathetic?"

And he thinks this is a winning strategy?

I’m not telling you about this email to humiliate the guy. I feel sad for him…and yet, at the same time, stories like his infuriate me. He’s not some idiot being taken advantage of by the false claims of a vanity press… he knows better. So why does he do it anyway?

I just don’t get it. Someone, please, explain it to me.

iUniverse CEO Gives Aspiring Authors Advice

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Susan Driscoll, the CEO of iUniverse, has a blog.  In her initial post, she says:

I’ve been CEO of iUniverse for almost three years and spent over twenty
years in traditional publishing before that. As such, I have a pretty
broad understanding of the publishing business and of the unique
concerns of self-published authors. Through this blog, I’ll share
relevant facts about the industry and provide perspective and advice to
aspiring authors. And, since there are many smart publishing people
that I’m lucky to call my friends, I’ll regularly call on those experts
to answer questions of general interest.

The last person any aspiring author should turn to for advice is the CEO of a vanity press. If she was really interested in helping aspiring authors, her first piece of advice to them would be not to pay a P.O.D. company $1100 to "publish" your novel.  It’s throwing your money away.  Just look at the stats: In 2004, out of 18,108 titles iUniverse published, only 83 titles sold more than 500 copies and only 14 titles were actually stocked in brick-and-mortar stores.

While I think going to a vanity press with your novel is a huge mistake, I don’t think the same is necessarily true for non-fiction work — especially if you are giving lots of seminars and  speeches and can sell your books at the events or are teaching a class where your book can be assigned as required reading.

I have several books "published" by iUniverse… my UNSOLD TV PILOTS books and my novel MY GUN HAS BULLETS. But I didn’t pay a nickel for it. All of books were previously published, out-of-print titles which were republished through special Authors Guild and Mystery Writers of America "back in print" programs.  I would never have reprinted MY GUN HAS BULLETS through iUniverse if there was a cost involved…nor would I ever recommend that anybody pay to have an original novel "published" by iUniverse. 

You can see for yourself how much … or rather, how little … I’ve made from these books by looking at some of my royalty statements.

Who Am I? The Sequel

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I got another email from Doug Mannington at Point of Impact today:

Greetings – I am looking to purchase 5 text link ads on neilgaiman.com/journal/

Each ad is two to three words in length and can be placed anywhere on your page as long as the ads are visible on the majority of pages on your website. I would be willing to pay for 3 months of advertising up front.

Would you be interested?

Looking forward to your response,

Doug

I replied to Doug that I’ve double checked my birth certificate, driver’s license and passport and I’m still pretty sure that I am not Neil Gaiman.  But I could be Pierce Brosnan.

Writer’s Digest isn’t for Writers Anymore

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I’ve written here before about the unethically close relationship between Writer’s Digest and it’s vanity press advertisers. Now whatever blurry line there might have been between the magazine and the vanity press industry has been completely erased.  The transformation of WD into a shill for the vanity press industry is complete. I got this email from WD today:

The 6th Annual Writer’s Digest Short Short Story Competition Collection. This exclusive collection published by Trafford Publishing contains the top twenty-five winning entries of the 6th Annual Writer’s Digest Short Short Story Competition, including the  First-Place winner "Brown Pride," by Jeff McElroy. Don’t miss your chance to see these shorts! Visit http://www.writersdigest.com/specialoffers.asp?DMshbklt051806
to reserve your copy of the 6th Annual Writer’s Digest Short Short Story Competition Collection today!

Trafford Publishing is a print-on-demand, self-publishing company. WD can’t claim any journalastic integrity, or that they objectively represent the best interests of writers, while at the same time they are in business with (and lend their name to) a vanity press, which preys on the desperation and naivete of aspiring authors.  Clearly, the purpose of the magazine now is to steer writers to these self-publishing companies…and to make the writers think that all it takes to become a successful author is a credit card.

Bruckheimer is Spelling

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CBS has revamped their Sunday schedule, dropping their weekly movie and replacing it with three Jerry Bruckheimer series: AMAZING RACE, COLD CASE and WITHOUT A TRACE. Bruckheimer owns Sunday, which may be the first time a single producer has owned a night of network programming since Aaron Spelling owned ABC’s Saturday with TJ HOOKER, THE LOVE BOAT, FANTASY ISLAND and later with THE LOVE BOAT, FANTASY ISLAND  and FINDERS OF LOST LOVES (though Norman Lear came close with ARCHIE BUNKER’S PLACE, GLORIA, JEFFERSONS, and ONE DAY AT A TIME on CBS Sundays…the last hour going to TRAPPER JOHN MD).

Bouchercon

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I’ve just booked my hotel room for Bouchercon 2006 in Madison, Wisconsin ( if you attending, and haven’t made room reservations yet, you better hurry — the area hotels are selling out fast). I also received my Anthony Award ballot in the mail this week.  The Anthonys are selected by Bouchercon attendees and any mystery novel published in 2005 is eligible for nomination. I hope if you enjoyed THE MAN WITH THE IRON ON BADGE, and are attending Bouchercon this fall, that you will consider nominating the book for Best Novel when you receive your ballot.  My book aside, I can’t honestly remember all the good stuff that I read that was published in 2005. Please jog my memory with any suggestions you might have in the comment below. The categories are Best Novel, Best First Novel, Best Paperback Original, Best Short Story and Best Critical/Non-fiction Work. Thanks!

Everwood Nevermore

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The CW has leaked it’s fall schedule… and it doesn’t include EVERWOOD or REBA.  The sked will reportedly be a mix of old favorites from UPN (VERONICA MARS, AMERICA’S TOP MODEL, ALL OF US, EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS, GIRLFRIENDS) and The WB (GILMORE GIRLS, 7th HEAVEN, ONE TREE HILL, SMALLVILLE, SUPERNATURAL) and the new shows PALM SPRINGS (a soap from Kevin Williamson), RUNAWAY (Donnie Wahlberg is on the run for a crime he didn’t commit), and the GIRLFRIEND’s spin-off THE GAME. The CW didn’t pick-up the WB-developed AQUAMAN, surprising industry pundits who considered it a done deal, since the project was from the folks behind SMALLVILLE.

UPDATE: Les Moonves blinked… and instead of paying 20th Century Fox a $20 million penalty for not picking up REBA (which the late WB had previously renewed for two seasons)… he’s decided to bring back to the show for midseason. Meanwhile, for some reason PALM SPRINGS has been renamed HIDDEN PALMS…which sounds kind of clunky to me.

Welcome Back, Goldberg

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I’ll be teaching the "Beginning Writing for the One-Hour Drama" course at UCLA Extension this summer (taking the baton from my friend Matt Witten). Here’s the info on the course:

Modeled directly on how writers write in the real world of one-hour
dramas, this course focuses on what is most central to creating a
strong script as well as the largest piece (40 percent) of the writer’s
deal with any show: the story and outline. The course goal is for you
to master the process of constructing an airtight story and detailed
outline so that you are ready to write a script for any current show as
quickly and expertly as possible. The steps you take include choosing
the best story for your spec script, mapping it out from beginning to
end, and writing a strong outline in proper script format. In the
process, you learn how to identify and capture the tone, characters,
dialogue, and themes of any one-hour drama series–the key to breaking
and staying in the field. This course also introduces students to the
various genres (police procedurals, medical, legal, etc.) and their
specific rules; what’s popular in the current marketplace; and how to
work within the special requirements of timeslots, outlet, and styles
(for example, single-character drama versus ensemble cast). All student projects must focus on current shows; no pilots.

The enrollment is limited to 20 students, so if you’re interested, act now while there are still some seats left.