Melinda and Melinda

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I made the mistake of seeing Woody Allen’s new movie MELINDA AND MELINDA today. Don’t make the same mistake.

The movie takes the story of a woman who crashes a dinner party and follows the ensuing events from two points of view, one dramatic, one comedic. The dramatic storyline isn’t dramatic and the comedic storyline isn’t funny. But both stories are equally dull.

The acting is stagey and artificial. The actors aren’t so much performing their lines as they are simply reading them. The casting sure isn’t what it used to be in a Woody Allen movie, either. Besides the handful of "name" stars (Will Ferrell, Chloe Sevigny, Amanda Peet), the rest of the cast is filled with LAW AND ORDER bit players who aren’t the least bit memorable.  Ferrell, who stars in the "comedic" half, spends his time imitating Woody Allen imitating Bob Hope. It’s excruciating. (Remember the big names Woody Allen used to be able to get for his movies? The way things are going now, Brad Garrett will star in his next one).

The movie looks and feels painfully dated and out-of-step, depicting a New York and New Yorkers that only exist in old, and much better, Woody Allen movies. Everybody is a writer, doctor, or artist who lives in a fabulous apartment, engages  in casual adultery and quotes Chekov in everyday  conversation.

It’s been years now since Woody Allen has made a good movie. I wish he’d take some time off to recharge and reinvent himself…instead of continuing to turn out these listless films.

The Equalizer coming to a multi-plex near you

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EqualizerBob Sassone at TVSquad reports that THE EQUALIZER is the latest TV series up for a big-screen redo.  I always felt THE EQUALIZER, about an ex-spy-turned-vigilante, was an under-appreciated series (with a great theme by Stewart Copeland). It was shot on location in NY and, as I recall, was very well written and produced (by James McAdams and Matthew Rapf, fresh off of KOJAK).   When star Edward Woodward was sidelined by a heart-attack, Robert Mitchum stepped in for a few episodes to take his place. Mitchum was so good, I was almost sorry when Woodward came back. 

You’re Never Too Young to Write a Memoir

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My 9-year-old daughter Maddie ought to start writing her memoirs…because if she waits much longer, she’ll be too old and have too much life experience.

Molly Jong-Fast, 26, has just released her memoirs. It’s about time. She’s the daughter of FEAR OF FLYING author Erica Jong and granddaughter of novelist Howard Fast (I don’t get why her name Jong-Fast if Howard is her grand-father rather than Fast-Jong, maybe there’s a chapter on that).  Her book is called THE SEX DOCTORS IN THE BASEMENT: TRUE STORIES OF A SEMI-CELEBRITY CHILDHOOD. If it was a full celebrity childhood, we would have seen her memoirs in print ten years ago.  The Associated Press reports that:

It’s a tale of growing up amid New York’s wealthy and famous, a tale of nannies, secretaries, potential stepdads and eccentric relatives — including Jong-Fast’s grandfather, novelist Howard Fast, a one-time Communist with a 1,100-page FBI file. In fact, she decided to share her stories with the world not long after 83-year-old Fast married his much younger secretary.

“I thought … this is the time to write about these
people because they are so nuts,” said the young author, dressed in jeans, a black shirt and fuzzy light blue slippers, her long, wavy blond hair hanging loose. Jong-Fast’s tone is irreverent, and she doesn’t shy away from such things as her grandfather’s obsession with his reviews in The New York Times or how her
grandmother’s stomach “looked like a tushy placed slightly higher up on the
wrong side of her body.”

I’m kicking myself. I should have started my memoirs when I was sixteen… when my newly-divorced Mom was named by San Francisco Chronicle as one of the ten sexiest women in the Bay Area and started dating a priest.  I could be on volume four of my memoirs by now…

Erica Jong, 63, is not about to be outdone by her daughter. Her memoirs will be out this fall.

Perpetual Halloween

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There was an interesting article in the LA Times today about how celebrities dress when they go to court or attend other important social functions.

Most lawyers advise their clients to dress for court as they would for church —
a dark suit, a quiet tie, a tidy hairstyle and a minimum of jewelry. But
that’s just not Jacko.

Throughout his child-molestation trial, Michael
Jackson hasn’t been dressed so much as costumed.  And we’re not even talking about the famous pajama bottoms he wore to court at
one point. (Although it should be noted that the "just rolled out of bed" look
favored by so many college students these days didn’t do the child-man any
favors.)W3

Plastic surgery aside, this trial has been about the many faces
of Michael. On his first day of court, Jackson arrived in a white suit with an
embroidered shirt and gold armband. The obvious reading would be one of purity
and innocence, but Jackson looked more like a lounge singer.

If you or I showed up in court, or for a handshake with the President of the United States,  dressed like Captain Crunch, Reaganmichaeljacksonpeople would be horrified…and it would be seen as an overtly offensive and disrespectful act140006270501_sclzzzzzzz__1 (Take that trekkie, for example, who showed up for Jury DutyAar dressed in a Starfleet uniform, Tricorder and all) .  So how come celebs can get away with it?
[Click on Image for a Larger View]

Writers University

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Want to learn how to break into television? Sure you do.  Everybody in L.A. does. Well, I’ve got some good news for you. William Rabkin and I will be teaching our thrill-packed four-week online course "Writing Dramatic Television" again, starting on May 2 (and again on June 6), for Writers University.  What do you get for your hard-earned bucks? Here’s an excerpt from the course description:

You will learn—and practice— the actual process involved in
successfully writing a spec episodic script. You will learn how to analyze a TV show and develop
“franchise”-friendly story ideas. You will develop and write a story
under the direction of the instructors, who will be acting as
showrunners… and then, after incorporating their notes, you will be
sent off to write your outline. Finally, you will develop and refine
your outline with the instructors, leaving you at the end of the course
ready to write your episodic spec script…the first step in getting a
job on a TV series. 

There’s an "early bird" discount of 20% for people who enroll ten days before the course.  For more information, click here.

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A Book No American Should Be Without

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CovernamesxVISUAL CHRONICLES, the new book by my sisters Linda Woods & Karen Dinino, is available for pre-order on Amazon. What  are you waiting for?

My brother Tod, also a novelist, talks on his blog about how cool it is that our sisters are joining us in print:

What are the odds of four siblings actually making it in publishing? All of which is a long way of saying I’m proud of my sisters and,
uh, yeah, people at the Today Show, gimme a call. Let’s book some time.
Or is it too late to be a family on the next Amazing Race?

I’m sure it won’t be long now before Tod’s wife Wendy has a book out, too, tightening the screws on the rest of the Goldberg in-laws to start writing…

LA Times Book Review

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I’ve been pretty hard on the LA Times Book Review here, so it’s only fair I give praise when it’s due. This was the first issue that I’ve read from cover-to-cover in months. I thoroughly enjoyed it. This week’s edition was a perfect mix of non-fiction and fiction reviews, most of which were entertaining and informative. Jonathan Kirsch’s lively review of Seth Greenland’s THE BONES gave me a real feel for the book and the writing… made me want to rush out and buy it. Stephen King’s review of a new book on HP Lovecraft made for entertaining reading… though it would have been nice, since it was supposed to be a review,  if King actually talked about the book instead of himself for even a paragraph or two.  Peter Straub did a much better job talking about a collection of HP Lovecraft stories and managed to do so without injecting himself into the article even once. There were also many other punchy, informative  reviews, including  looks at DISHING, Liz Smith’s new memoir;  IN THE COMPANY OF CHEERFUL LADIES, Alexander McCall Smith’s 18th or 19th new novel so far this year; and BLEEDING THE BLUE AND THE GRAY, which sounds like a fascinating look  how medicine was practices on the battlefields during the civil war. There was even a thoughtful essay on the work of literary translators. I wish the Book Review was this good every week.

Where to Find Me

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If you love books,  the Los Angeles Times Book Festival is the place to be next weekend.  I’ll be there browsing, buying, standing in line, and even signing a few books myself. Here’s my signing schedule:

April 23 
Mystery Bookstore 11-12
Mysterious Galaxy 12-1

April 24
Mystery Bookstore 10-11
Sisters in Crime 12-1

See you there!

Q&A With Chris Abbott

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Chris Abbott is one of the most successful writer-producers in television, with credits like Magnum PI, BL Stryker, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and Diagnosis Murder.  She’s just written a terrific book called "TEN MINUTES TO THE PITCH: Your Last Minute Guide and Check-List for Selling Your Story."  And all proceeds from the book benefit the Writers Guild Foundation.

Tf_pitch_1She’ll be signing her book this weekend at the Los Angeles Times Festival of Books on April 23, 11-12, at the  Writers Guild Booth.

Why did you write this book?

Leonard Stern, from Tallfellow Press, came to me with the
idea. He saw it as the second book in
their “Ten Minutes To Success” series, which began with “Ten Minutes To The
Audition” by Janice . I liked the idea; it seemed to me I had seen
dozens of books about writing, but none about pitching and I believe they are
two distinctly different talents.

 There are a thousand “How To” books for writers on
pitching and selling scripts. What makes
yours different from all the rest?

 A thousand? Really? Honestly, I didn’t think
there was even one book out about pitching as I was writing it. I have noticed, since, one other book. Nevertheless, I’m sure you’re right,
hyperbole aside, there must be several books on pitching. Mine is different insomuch as my professional
experience is different from the other authors. I think it would be valuable to read everyone else’s book as well as
mine. But the value of mine is that it
is very practical; it is very small so you can take it with you; it has stories
from lots of successful writers to amuse or enlighten; it doesn’t take long to
read.

Before you even get into talking about pitching itself,
you pay a lot of attention to the importance of seemingly irrelevant things…
like double-checking the address, arriving very early, going to the bathroom
before the meeteing, bringing a pencil and paper, turning off your cell phone…
but they aren’t irrelevant things, are they?

 When Leonard first talked to me about this idea, it was subtitled “A Parking Lot Primer For
Wrters.” The idea was that you’re in the
parking lot, you’re ready to go pitch
your heart out, what are the things you want to remember before you get into
the office?

 So that accounts for some tips, like “going to the
bathroom”, that you might not see in other pitching books! But there is something that I hope is a bit
more profound behind the seemingly mundane ideas. For example: Are You In The Right Place? This
isn’t just about making sure you have the correct address (although without
that, you are doomed to failure); it is
also about making sure you’ve brought the right kind of pitch to the studio
that is likely to consider buying your story. Each of the ideas has its own Zen-shadow idea I think writers need to
seriously consider before even showing up in the parking lot. 

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A Quinn Martin Production

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Does anybody know who the "announcer" was for all those great ’70s Quinn Martin detective shows?
Barnaby_jones
I can hear him now…

"Barnaby Jones, a Quinn Martin Production. Starring Buddy Ebsen, Also starring Lee Meriweather, Mark Shera. With guest stars Peter Haskell, Burr DeBenning, Joanne Linville, Andrew Duggan,  and with special guest star, Trisha Noble.  Tonight’s episode ‘Mother of Mercy, Child of Death”"

UPDATE:  The mystery is solved. The announcer was Hank Simms aka Henry Fry Simms. Where is his statue at the TV Academy?