Because time is not my friend, I quickly followed "Paul Tash's" Important Instructions for securing my surprising and unexpected Pulitzer Prize nomination. He asked me, on his very impressive Columbia University letterhead, to write about the hardships that went into my reporting, why my article is so very important, and a brief bio. There's just one problem. I haven't written any articles lately. So I stole one from the Weekly World News that was written by somebody else and lied about how I came to write it. Since "Paul Tash" isn't the real Paul Tash, I'm sure he won't mind if my article isn't mine. Here's what I wrote to him (note my intentional miss-spelling of his name):
Dear Mr. Nash,
I am so glad to hear from you because I was beginning to suspect that
no one appreciated the global ramifications of my reports simply
because they weren't published in a "major" paper. It's so nice to know
that you were aware of my stories and appreciated their significance
and journalistic merit! I have attached the requested materials and
eagerly await your reply.
The rest of my material follows after the jump:
In April 2008, I
traveled to Fort Myers, Florida on behalf of Weekly World News to investigate reports that an alien assaulted a woman there, consumed her laundry and vomited, leaving behind valuable biological proof of the existence of extra-terrestrial life. Some people thought it was funny, but I took the event very seriously.
Because the Weekly World News doesn’t have a travel
budget, and I am only a freelancer, I had to drive there at my own expense. My
Tercel broke down in Gallop, New Mexico and I had to spend three days there
working at Arby’s and having sex with the morbidly obese manager to earn the
money to do the necessary repairs. But I felt the hardship was worth it because
of the importance of this story to my career and — I hope I don’t sound too
pompous when I say this — humanity. I believe a reporter must sacrifice
some of his finances and virtue to tell the really important stories.
I continued my journey. I didn’t have the money to rent hotel rooms so I slept in my car and bathed in gas station restrooms and took odd jobs along the way. This
inconvenience only strengthened my resolve to find the woman and expose the
truth to the world.
When I finally arrived in Fort Myers, the police and local authorities were unwilling to help me. But I asked around and finally found the woman, Rachel Trainer, who was
still deeply traumatized by her experience. It took some time to convince her
that I was genuinely interested in her story and that she could confide in me.
What she told me shocked me to the core of my being.
Here is her story, as reported by me at great personal expense and hardship, and published by The Weekly World News
At this point, I included a link to the story (which, if he follows it, he will see that someone else wrote the story) and I reproduced it in its entirety in my letter. I urge you to read the article because it's a compelling, frightening and important story that must be told and is every bit as genuine as the Pulitzer letter I received from "Paul Tash." I went on to say:
I secured a sample of the alien vomit and am trying to convince a major university to analyze it. But I fear that they are being intimidated by the government not to help me. The government is afraid of what will happen if the public knows that aliens are among us and have been for years. How many people have lost socks or other garments they hung up to dry with no explanation? People need to know to be on the look-out for alien vomit because it could yield a motherload of scientific information and expose the government conspiracy of silence.
Being nominated for a Pulitzer Prize would not only be a dream-come-true, but it would draw global attention to this story and open some important doors.
I grew up in Loon Lake, Washington, where I was home-schooled by my parents. My father worked two jobs – Deputy Sheriff and manager of the Dairy Queen — to support our family since my mother was never the same after she was raped by aliens when she was sixteen, a trauma that has informed my life and set me on my quest as a journalist. I wrote for the Deerpark Times and eventually hit the big time, landing a gig on The Acorn in Calabasas, California, where my groundbreaking story on rabid squirrels stalking local school children gained the attention of the Weekly World News and thrust me on the national scene.
I eagerly await a reply from "Paul Tash," who I expect will ask me to send him a huge entry fee as fast as possible because time is not my friend.