My friend Javi has been a working TV writer/producer for a dozen years, has an Emmy award on his shelf, and even did a stint as a network executive. Nobody would blame him if he’d become just a little cynical and jaded about the business. But I’m pleased to report that he’s got the same enthusiasm for TV that he had when he was just starting out…and I love it about him. Don’t take my word for it, read this and decide for yourself.
Speaking of Seaquest DSV 2032, who had to fire the talking dolphin? I’ll bet THAT conversation went well…
Talking Dolphin: Squeal, clickety-click, click. What do you mean by “cancelled?”
Roy Scheider: It means you’re going back to jumping through flaming hoops at Sea World, buddy.
Talking Dolphin: Clickety, squeal. Go click yourself, Roy. You were in only three episodes this season–what’s up with that?
Roy Scheider: No, seriously, you’ll have a million happy fans–just look at what the Great White Shark did for the Universal Studios Tour.
Talking Dolphin: Click-click. I’ve been on the Universal tour, Roy, and it bored the squeal out of me. They showed us Robert Wagner’s dressing room and it had more clicking pizazz than the “great white.” Maybe the freakishly tall guy in the Frankenstein suit could give the shark some personality lessons.
Roy Scheider: Well, there will be other shows–I’m reading for a sequel to All That Jazz.
Talking Dolphin: Click-squeal, snort. Other shows? Let’s see… it was only like twenty-five years between Flipper and Seaquest. I’ll be clicking dead, Roy.
Roy Scheider: Oh, I don’t know. I heard of a dolphin that lived to be 48.
Talking Dolphin: Click-k-k-k-k you, Roy. What am I going to do without this Seaquest gig? Join the navy and strap a bomb to my back?
(Beat.)
Didn’t you die in All That Jazz?
Roy Scheider: You’re a talking dolphin, for cripes sake–don’t sell yourself short. Richard Dreyfuss took all his potential and snorted it up his nose when he hit the skids–don’t make the same mistake–your life has a greater porpoise. Porpoise–get it?
Talking Dolphin: Squeakity-click. Mr. Holland’s Opus wasn’t too bad.
Roy Scheider: That was after rehab.
Talking Dolphin: Didn’t you clicking die in All That Jazz?
Roy Scheider: Click you, Flipper.
Talking Dolphin: No, really, click-k-k-k-k you, Roy.
My apologies for that. It was late, the booze was flowing. And I swear it was funnier with tequila…